September 10, 2004 When the past becomes present.

I found an old journal of mine and contemplated on what to share.  It was hard to read what I wrote and I contemplated on what to share tonight.  I decided to play it safe and type word for word my recollections of Savannah (6) , Sam (4) , Sage (2) and Saxton (13 months).  This is typed word for word.  The side notes are thoughts I added this evening.  

May 2004 Florida:
First time in the ocean

Sam is an "ultra sensitive child."  He's rather be naked than clothed.  He has been carrying some new underwear and shorts I got him a week or so ago around.  In the am he puts them on the couch in the family room and then takes them to bed with him at night.  He is super picky about what he wears. 

Side note:  I totally remember this.  I think I have a picture somewhere of his neat bed and his little tidy pile of his stuff.  He is still that way, he has little mementos and things from years ago and takes care of them.  Sam has always been organized and conscious of his things and personal hygiene.  I remember he would change his clothes if he got even one drop of water on them.  My cute, sweet, sensitive Sam.

Sage is a sweet girl, but into EVERYTHING!  She loves my contact solution, starting baths and playing with the bath soap.  Oh and toilet paper!  Wednesday (9/8) she peed on the potty and pooped last week on the potty as well.  She loves her Bubby (bear) and now the Halloween cat I got her on 9/7.    She often takes her diaper off and tries to clean her own poop.  Messy! 

Side note:  my little seek and destroy.  She was so quiet in her antics.  All this and she was only two and a half!  i still have her Bubby, as he ended up becoming a part of our family.  It's funny, she just asked about when she became potty trained... now she can read about it.

Saxton is a wonderful baby.  Fussing mostly only when she wants food or drink.  She smiles all the time.   She can stand on her own from sitting (has been doing that for about a month), but gets nervous and drops down when you try and get her to walk.  She sucks her thumb still and likes to suck with fuzzys like Sage and will often suck with left behind fuzz from Sage.  She sleeps well and naps well.  (Now Sam is back in her room.) Sage and Savannah are together in the front room sharing a mattress.

Side note:  Saxton was a good baby.  I was really lucky to have really sweet babies.  They didn't sleep too well until they were about a year, but they were so pleasant that I overlooked that part.  I must note, that little Savannah was a bit of a stinker with bedtime, I think because she was the first and I was only 21-22 years old, so what did I know?)

Savannah is a little "grown" person.  She picks out her own outfits and even reminds me of when she needs to go to the bus.  I got her an outfit today with a pretty "S" on the front in pink because I want her to know I love and think about her.  She told me yesterday she was winning the gold star competition for reading well and quiet.  She can be a bit of a "tattler," but I rely on her a lot to help with the kids.

Side note:  Savannah has been a hoot from a very early age, maybe even birth.  She had a twinkle in her eye out of the gate and sometimes, as a little person, it was hard to tell if she was smirking or smiling, in fact that's still the case.  I tell her that some people sparkle, some shine, but she goes a step further and has an iridescence about her.  She, like all my babies, is special and I love that they all beat to their own drums.

I remember when they were all small, this age in fact and people would see me out.  They often questioned if they were all mine and I would reply yes.  Then they would inevitably say, "you sure have your hands full."  It was almost as if I was holding four pumpkins I was about to drop.  I guess I did have my hands full, but also my heart.  Today as I read my own words and replay the memories in my mind, I would do almost anything to go back and scoop each one of those babies up and snuggle them at that age again.  Then I would get my sh*t together and not subject them for five more years to the fighting and ugliness they had to endure.

Having said that, I guess the blessing is, that at least I am reading these words while finally in a stable and loving relationship.  Additionally, in just a few days, (ten days, 22 hours and 16 seconds to be exact), I can finally hug my two oldest babies close and make some new memories.  Until then, I am grateful to have found this time capsule and still up in the air about what to share.  I had a lot to say back then and shared most of it solely to journal.  Maybe it's time for some of those thoughts to go beyond the pages that up until now have contained them.

May 2004:  Walt Disney World Mickey's Playhouse.