As I was heading through the woods this evening on a bike ride, I saw a huge Great Dane. He was in the middle of the path and because there were people everywhere, I assumed he was with someone. However, on my way home, he was there again, this time all by himself. So I stopped, tried to get him to follow me and he did for a minute, but then he just seemed nervous. Two young girls came riding along and with their help, we got him to trust us enough to read the number on his tag. I called it and as I waited for his owners to come, my mind went back to my Great Dane, Athena. When they came to pick him up and we chatted about Danes, I had to leave because I became choked up. I missed my sweet girl.
This wasn't the first time I've had this reaction, it's happened several times before. A few weeks ago while at the Puyallup Farmer's Market with the girls and Max, I wrote on twitter, "Just saw a Great Dane that looked like my old Athena and it brought me to tears. The past can really hurt. #love #lost #divorce #sucks" These words are so true and raw. Divorce sucks and the casualties that come of it are truly heartbreaking.
Growing up I had always wanted a Great Dane and finally when we moved to Colorado, my dream became reality when we brought home a five month old gangly black puppy. She was awesome from the beginning, very loving towards the kids and my best friend. It used to crack me up how she'd follow me around, sit on the tiny rug while I brushed my teeth and even wiggle herself in with me in our tiny toilet room off our bathroom and always found a way to gracefully snuggle herself next to me on my bed. She didn't leave my side. One of our things was to go for late night walks, they were what kept me sane and she was my faithful partner and loved me like dogs do, unconditionally. I cried with her, told her things that were bothering me and counted on her for protection as I walked for hours along dark paths and streets, sometimes even after midnight. I loved her, she was my guardian angel in the form of a big, wonderful dog.
As the move date grew closer, even though I struggled to find a place that would allow me to keep her, I had hope that something would come through. Unfortunately I never got that chance. One night, just after I had headed over to my neighbors to go to bed, someone called to inform me that Athena was running around out front in the snow. I went out and saw her and all her things out on the front porch. My ex had kicked her out. I lost it. Things had gotten to the point that I no longer was able to sleep in my own house and I was sleeping at my neighbor's on their couch in the basement. There are certain people who come into your lives and save you and two true examples, are my friends Liz and Brad. Brad was kind enough to go get her things in order to avoid an episode in front of the kids (who were already very upset at what was happening.) I was just besides myself and Brad knew I was in no condition to face my ex.
Unfortunately, She couldn't stay with me at my neighbors, although they strongly considered it, but she was too big and they had a new baby and small toddler and I was leaving for a flight the next day. So, left with no other options, I had to let her go. With a very heavy heart, I called Great Dane Rescue and a little while later, after one last walk, they came and picked her up. Honestly, I've only taken Xanax once in my life, and it was that night. My neighbor had a fear of flying and gave me one like a mother might give a child medicine in hopes to make them feel better. My heart was broken. The reality of what was happening to my life was so heavy and heart wrenching, that even the memory of that moment still brings me to tears. I believe it was a culmination of the loss of my beloved companion and the realization that this was just the first of many casualties of my divorce that finally hit me that fateful night.
Athena was well trained (we went to puppy and dog class at Petsmart and she was even trained enough for me to take her to a local retirement home.) and such a lover that she was able to find a home almost immediately. Even knowing this, my heart still hasn't healed from losing her. Maybe she was symbolic to all that I would lose from my divorce and was a foreshadowing of the difficult days, weeks, months and now years of being away from my two oldest babies. What a do know, is that any memory or reminder of her still haunts me to the point where I break down on a sunny Saturday at a farmer's market or a Sunday evening in the woods. I will always love her and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting her down, after all, she was nothing but good to me. For this reason, after a strange meeting with a similar old soul tonight, just reminded me that sometimes a heart truly doesn't heal. Yes, the pain might fade a little, but eventually, when you least expect it, you round a curve and it's there, right in the middle of your path, waiting for you.This post is dedicated to two people who also loved me unconditionally and opened their home, more than once, to a lost and scared soul. I love you guys!!! And to my Athena Momma, I hope one day we can meet again and I can say both I love you, I am sorry and thank you.
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