One of my favorite songs is Imagine by John Lennon. I was belting it out in the car the other morning after dropping the girls off and heading to drop off Brayden, then on to Max's swimming. As I was singing, I was blogging in my head. I wonder if that will be a new habit of mine, blogging in my mind until I can get somewhere to type out my thoughts. Anyway, I was thinking about the words and message behind Imagine. And for the first time after hearing it a hundred times, I starting applying it to my own life. Previously I had always listened to it on a global level, applying it to our world and my beloved passion, Africa. But on this particular morning I thought about me, my ex and the fact that if we can't get along, even when there are four beautiful children involved, how are we as a community, a state, a country, ect... supposed to get along? A good friend (you know who you are) warned me when I first started going through everything, that you don't really get to know your (ex) spouse until you get divorced. She was right. When you are together, when I was with my ex, I would do things to try and smooth things over, get over a fight. When you are split up, that is no longer an option. Control is lost. And what control is left is often used to hurt, even if it means keeping children from their parents. In the days following the separation, before the divorce was even final, several people gave me some good advice. They said take the high road, if I insult my little one's dad then I am insulting half of them. I am going to pat my back and say that I have bit my tongue so hard that it bled. However, I don't want this blog to turn into my defending myself or claiming that I have done nothing wrong. Trust me, I am a Catholic who bleeds guilt. I am just saying, I have taken this advice to heart. This is where the song comes in. I love my kids. I wish I could see them everyday. I pray for that all the time. But until their dad and I can come to some sort of agreement, it is going to be a constant battle. Which is where my friends, family and therapist have come in. They're constantly reminding me of the simple truth; if things were all hunky dory between us we wouldn't be divorced. So to hope for the perfect scenario where everyone lives happily ever after post divorce, probably isn't realistic, but it is still something I can "Imagine."
On a lighter note, my Sage was chosen today as a "Terrific Kid" at her school. The award is set up as a surprise, so I tried to hide in the back so she wouldn't see me before her name was announced. However Max decided to blow our cover. In a rare quiet moment, he squealed out and his adoring sister, who would know his cry anywhere, immediately spotted us and grinned. My sweet, terrific kid!