Monday, April 30, 2012

I'm always going to pray for miracles. I can't ever allow myself to lose faith and even more importantly, hope.

 This afternoon after getting off the phone with Sam I broke down and was very upset.  I miss him and Savannah terribly and I was just feeling so sad.  I had to take Sage and Saxton to soccer practice and just as we arrived the heavens opened up and it just started pouring.  The girls ran to practice (rain or shine) and were excited to play in the rain.  I sat in the car and sorted through the emotions I was feeling, almost searching for an answer.  All of a sudden the sun started shining through the clouds and even as it was raining, the sun was shining.  This seemed to realavant to what I was feeling.  My life is exactly that, sun shining through the rain.   Everyday that I am not with Savannah and Sam my heart aches.
I wrote a message on my facebook shortly after seeing the sun, almost a message that was whispered in my ear, "I'm always going to pray for miracles. I can't ever allow myself to lose faith and even more importantly, hope."  I truly felt this.  I remember last summer, when Savannah and I were wandering around this little store at the little market in Minnesota and we came across all these messages that spoke to us about prayer and miracles.  I took this picture and everytime I look at it speaks to me in a new light.  I had all my babies with me that day and I remember how wonderful it felt.

"Hope in God"
After the rain stopped, I got Max out and put him in my pouch and we walked around the gravel path that surrounds the soccer feild.  I was feeling the sun's warmth and enjoying watching the girls play, but Savannah and Sam were still on my mind.  All of a sudden I looked down and there were these rocks with messages written on them.  I almost couldn't believe how appropriate they were to me and what I had just written on my facebook, what I had just been feeling in my heart.  

"Have Faith all is well"
All of a sudden this peace came over me.  A peace that I do need to have hope and faith and I do need to continue to pray for miracles.  I tried to call Savannah and Sam to talk with them about what I had found.  It is so important to me for them to know that I was thinking about them, almost willing them to feel my love.   

Tonight when we got home the rain started up again, but again the sun continued to shine.  I could almost hear, like a drum beat, God trying to tell me something.  A few moments later Saxton called out and said there was a double rainbow in the front of the house.  We all ran out  and just looked at them, they were beautiful, one almost a perfect shadow of the other.  Sage, Saxton and I called for Jerry and we showed him and Max these beautiful rainbows, that almost seemed like presents.  The girls and I recalled how we used to see them frequently in Colorado and we would all go and look at them, including Savannah and Sam.  I almost turned to call for them to come see too. 

I'm listening God.  I am not giving up hope.  I will continue to pray for miracles.  I only ask that you watch over my babies, and every night I am not with them, can you promise me that you will send an angel to kiss them good-night and whisper in their ear, momma loves you and always will. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Birthday Surprises and the beautiful, naked truth.

Started Wednesday April 25th

I often write  blogs in my head and they never make it to paper.  It's hard to have the courage sometimes to be vulnerable to others, to be figuratively naked.  Another tendency I have is to wander in my writing similar to what I do when I am speaking.  Jerry, Kathleen and I discussed this when we were wandering around Santa Fe last Thursday, how we jump from one thought to another and give no forewarning.  Knowing this may help you, my reader, understand the way I write.
Thanks Elizabeth for hosting the
awesome surprise birthday dinner!!!
Thanks Kathleen for picking us up
and all your hard work!!!
A week ago I flew to New Mexico and experienced one of the most wonderful moments of my life, surprising my mom for her sixtieth birthday.  It was amazing to feel that loved, that raw of emotions.  I can imagine it, if Savannah or Sam were to surprise me sometime, that feeling of not believing that someone you love to much, miss so much, is actually right there in front of you.  My mom was so shocked that we were there, that at one point she took my hair in her hands and said, "I can't believe that you're here, but I know it's you because this is your hair."  I love you mom, so much!

On Thursday we went to Santa Fe for the day. My parents work there and my grandma lives up there, and she provided me with a beautiful life lesson.  The way my grandma looked at Max, loved him so wonderfully and thought he was so beautiful, made me realize how blessed I am. It also made me realize how short life is and how important it is to just let go and enjoy it.

My visit to New Mexico sent me home with all sorts of  incite.  After spending time with my mom and sisters, I realized that we are all trying hard to hide our feelings, mask our disappointments, look for recognition, feel love.  However, it is hard to just let go our layers that cover how we really feel, it is hard to be naked.  Friday my sisters and I surprised my mom with a massage at the spa.  Before our massages we had the ability to use a ladies only hot tub.  When we walked out to the patio there was a lady, naked.  We all got in the hot tub and I suggested that we all take off our suits, and one by one we did.  It was amazing how nervous we all were initially (I was especially amused by my sister's shyness, they have model like bodies, so does my mom!!!), but after a few minutes we were comfortable in our nakedness.  What if we were able to do this in life?

After our massages we all went in the Sauna.  There were other ladies in there and we all started chatting.  I am not sure if it was because we were all naked, but a pretty personal conversation soon ensued.  After a little while it was just Colleen and I and one other woman.  She too had been through a divorce and had three children.  A true soul sister, she understood the pain I constantly go through having to be away from Savannah and Sam and the girls when they are with their dad.  She gave me some good advice, to live and enjoy each moment, to feel the sadness when it comes but also to allow the myself to feel happiness too.  I think we can all be our harshest critics, but she reminded me to let that go.  Just be.

Friday night we went to dinner and later on Jerry and I were sitting outside talking as well as having moments of silence.  I realized something, that my sisters and I all live very different lives, have very different perspectives on things, but yet we are all very similar.  We are sensitive, emotional and defensive, but we love hard and with all our heart no matter what.  Growing up in dysfunction and walking down all the paths we have chosen have caused us at times to be broken.  But that doesn't mean  we can't fix ourselves.  After everything we have been through we also have a huge gift, each other.  I love my mom, sisters and brothers with my whole heart, we know each other, inside and out and there is a certain comfort in that.  No matter what choices I have made, they know me and still love me.

Saturday morning Jerry, Max and I kidnapped my mom and took her on the tram to the top of the Sandias.  It was a beautiful, perfect day.  As we walked along the narrow path that held views of the edge of the mountain and breathtaking cliffs I realized something, I felt at home.  I could hear my mom declaring in delight at how beautiful everything was and getting excited at each gorgeous picture and I realized again that I am mother's daughter.  I see beauty everywhere and it excites me.  I am comfortable in my own skin, I am happy at how my mom raised me.

The Limo Ladies! 
Saturday was surprise limo and party day.  My mom made every moment that day unforgettable.  Her expressions and gratefulness were heartfelt and awesome.  My biggest wish is that she knows how special she is to all of us, to me, my siblings, my dad Dave, our family and all of her friends.  My mom loves with her whole heart, and brings an excitement and joy to life that many people lack.  If someone doesn't like my mom, then there is something wrong with them.  She is one of a kind.

Saturday night Jerry was walking with Max and showed him the stars.  My parents live out in the desert with very little light pollution, and you can see almost every one.  Max came up to me and pointed up, wanting me to see the wondrous thing he had just discovered.  Later that night, after all the guests had gone, my mom, Jerry and I were all sitting in the hot tub.  All of a sudden, a huge shooting star lit up the night sky, a magical giant wish.  We wondered if it was birthday gift from my late grandpa Ugo.  No matter why it was sent, it made me realize how lucky I am to have the mom I do, the family have and the husband to walk through it all with me. 

I am very thankful for my Jerry.  He was wonderful all weekend, and awesome about helping with Max so that I could spend time with my family.  Jerry, Ben (my brother-in-law) and Jed (my sister Colleen's boyfriend) were rock stars at helping to get the house ready for the party.  They were three men and a baby on more than one occasion.  My mom is a special lady, and it was a team effort pulling her surprise birthday weekend off, but she is more than worth it.  There will never be enough parties or thank yous to show her how much she is loved and that's the truth!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Max, 21 months

April 27th, enjoying frozen yogurt
Today my little Max turned 21 months old!  Wow, the time is flying by and his second birthday is just around the corner.  The funny thing is I love him so much and I miss him after he is in bed at night, I can't wait to see what he learns tomorrow! 

Life with a little one is a full time job.  Max is busy and on the go.  One second he is riding his truck or playing with a ball and the next he is out the dog door and on to his next adventure.  In fact he is the reason that Jerry and I spent days tearing our backyard apart, including taking out the little pond and re-landscaping it.  It made me a nervous wreck knowing that pond was there and Max could possibly fall in. 

New Mexico, April 19th
Max love life.  He loves his family, he loves his puppy and he loves to swim.  We go on Monday and Wednesday mornings to the YMCA and he can now jump to me, go under water, crawl along the wall all by himself and hang onto my back.  He is a hoot and a half in the water.  When we were at my mom's, his favorite thing was her hot tub.  In fact on Friday afternoon I had promised if he took a good nap he could go swimming.  As soon as he woke up, he went outside and headed straight for the hot tub!  He's my little fish!

I have said this many times and I will probably say it many more, the love you feel for your children is like no other.  The day Savannah entered my life I truly knew unconditional love and I have been blessed again and again with this priceless gift.  Tonight when Jerry came home, I was hugging him hello, when out of nowhere I received the biggest bear hug to my leg that a 21 month old could give.  It felt wonderful to be loved like that.  Soon Saxton came out of no where and our bear hug turned ever bigger! 

One other cool thing is that even though Savannah and Sam aren't always here physically, they are still a big part of Max's life.  Everyday we look at their pictures and point out Sam "Nam" and Savannah "Nana or Nan."  We Skype with them and talk to them on the phone.  (I often call them when I am in the car and have everyone there to talk.)  It has gotten to the point that every time we get in the car, Max wants to call them.  I love the fact that Max has five older brothers and sisters who love him like they do.   
Sage kissing Max good-night, April 27th
Sometimes I think all you ever need to know about life you can learn from a little one; life is simple and all it takes is one kiss or hug to make it all better.   Don't forget to drink your milk and brush your teeth (Max loves to brush his teeth!)  Puppies make everyone smile, own one!  Every outing is an adventure and even the landscaping vehicles at Chamber's Bay are exciting.  Trains and simple shows like "Thomas The Train" are awesome!  Patience is necessary, and if you have lost yours, go sit and have a time out until it comes back.  (Although Max isn't quite to time outs yet, thank goodness... this lesson is for parents.)  And at the end of the day, sleep is important and never forget to hug and kiss loved ones good-night.

This blog is dedicated to little Avery and her bucket list.  She was born 11-11-11 and has 18 months or less to live, but she is hitting life full steam and achieving greatness in her little life.  Her story has inspired me to just be a better me!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

A hollar out to all my fellow stay at home parents!

Today was one of those days when if asked, "what did you have to do today?" just because I am a stay at home mom, I would have given them an earful.

Here is what I did with my day:

Awakened shortly after six am by my one year old.  I let him chatter a while, but was up all the same.  Got up and packed bag for Max's YMCA swimming class. 

Woke up the girls and got Max up.  Started a load of laundry.  Got the girls off to school.  Started to clean the kitchen.  Headed to the YMCA.

9:15 am Max's swimming class.  He is doing awesome.  He loves the water and thinks he can swim all by himself.  He jumps to me, goes under water and today he floated on his back really well and creeped along the wall for several feet all by himself.

We headed to Ford after swimming to drop off my car for maintenance.  Max and I walked into town and got a bite to eat and then played at the playground.  He tried to snarf some little guy's car and I had to redirect him to the swings. 

Then back to Ford, with a stop at the train station to see if we could see a "bee" as Max calls them, unfortunately no such luck.

After picking up my car I headed home, and was able to talk with my mom.

12:15 Home.  Put Max to bed (thank goodness he transferred!) laundry and more housework.  (The laundry elves didn't make an appearance at my house unfortunately.)  Then off to pick up dog doo doo, mow the lawn and so some weeding. 

2:45 Come inside, get up Max and head to pick up Saxton and then Brayden from school.  (They go to different schools.)  I also called Savannah and was able to chat with her for the drive.  My heart truly feels so happy each and every time I hear both her and Sam's voice.

Pick up the dry-cleaning. 

4 pm. Home.  Homework, more laundry, sweep and mop the floor.

5 pm go get Sage from school and console her because she didn't make the play she had just tried out for.  It's easy to cheer a child on, it's hard to know how to console them when their spirit is threatened.  Sage is an amazing little lady and I reminded her that I was so very proud of her for trying, you can't achieve anything if you don't at least try.

Head from school to the YMCA.  5:30 Soccer practice.  Load up the stroller with Max, diaper bag, waters, soccer ball and dinosaurs, get girls settled and then attempt to entertain and wrangle Max (he loves, LOVES balls and it was torture for him to see so many and not be able to play with them.) The for the next hour I attempted to watch the girls and chat with Savannah (she had just sent me a homework assignment that was both beautiful and bittersweet.  She is constantly dealing with heartache with the courage of a lion.)

6:30 Align the troops and head to the car.  Brayden had fun, he was able to play with some friends during the girls practice.

Home. Dinner, more homework and showers.  This might sound simple but it involves much coercing and repeating phrases such as, "please eat your dinner, please clear your plates, please go shower, please brush your teeth, please put clothes in the hamper, please color in the lines, please read, please, please, please..." several times.  There were small victories though.  Brayden did a great job on his homework, as did Saxton and Sage was a dear and read to Brayden while I finished helping Saxton. 

7:30 Max's bedtime.  This was earlier than usual, but he was just exhausted from our weekend and busy day.

8 pm attempted bedtime for the other three littles.  8:20 actual bedtime.

8:30 finally shower. 


I am not writing this to defend, nor to complain.  I am writing this to create a historical log of a day in the life of me.  I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, I am fortunate enough to work from home for a small mom and pop company and attempt to make calls and sales when I can.  (Normally I make my work calls during Max's nap time, but we were out of town for my mom's birthday and I was very behind on my household duties.)

Life is busy.  Life is flies by with many days that go by in a blur.  The important thing is to value yourself and your contributions.  For some, those may take place in the workplace, but for those whose workplace is home, their contributions are just as important.