It's not just another day Sam, It's so much more to me, you're so much more!

Sam on his fifth birthday 3/24/05

Today my oldest son Sam turned 14.  While I was lucky to be able to Facetime with him quite a bit, he did say something that made me sad, he said that today was just another day, downsizing it's importance.  I quickly told him otherwise, that today is one of the best days of my life.  Today marks the birthday of one of my first true loves, my sweet Sam.

 

In honor of my Sam's birthday, I want to tell you a story that exemplifies his kind heart.  This past summer Sam and Savannah we here (with Max) and were our major helpers in our move.  (Sage, Saxton and Brayden were all gone.)  After doing the majority of moving ourselves, we were all exhausted.  A few nights into our new home, I commented how I was so tired that I wished someone would just carry me to bed.  That is just what Sam did.  My almost six foot tall son scooped me up and laughing the whole way, just about made it up the stairs and too my room.  Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.  That's my Sam's heart. 

Sam's a rare breed.  He's a defender, a love with your whole heart and soul, do what you can to make people happy kind of guy.  He's a love bug who has always loved to snuggle.  He's a hard worker and a loyal friend.  He's a diamond in the rough.  He's amazing.  I'm so lucky he's my son.  

To quote Sam's favorite artist, Bob Marley
"Some people feel the rain, others just get wet"

My dear Sam, continue to march to the beat of your own drum.  The world is full of people that can be defined as "popular" "normal" "part of the crowd."  Don't be them, be you.  Be that little boy who wore slacks, a dress shirt and a sweater vest to kindergarten.  Be different, spectacular and most important be yourself.  "Unique" is a compliment.  "Weird" is a badge of honor, because it means you are living your life thinking outside of the box, dancing to the music you love in the soundtrack of your life.  Happiness is feeling the freedom to be who you are no matter what.  As your integrity and sincerity becomes apparent to those around you, you'll shine in a room full of darkness.  Remember the Bob Marley quote and the day that you, Savannah and I ran in the rain, laughing the whole while.  That's the secret to life.

 

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, I love you more than you know, I love you to the moon and stars and back.
Love, Mom

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. - Bob Marley - See more at: http://quotesnsmiles.com/quotes/20-classic-bob-marley-quotes/#sthash.AjOM5xO2.dpuf

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. - Bob Marley - See more at: http://quotesnsmiles.com/quotes/20-classic-bob-marley-quotes/#sthash.AjOM5xO2.dpuf

September 10, 2004 When the past becomes present.

I found an old journal of mine and contemplated on what to share.  It was hard to read what I wrote and I contemplated on what to share tonight.  I decided to play it safe and type word for word my recollections of Savannah (6) , Sam (4) , Sage (2) and Saxton (13 months).  This is typed word for word.  The side notes are thoughts I added this evening.  

May 2004 Florida:
First time in the ocean

Sam is an "ultra sensitive child."  He's rather be naked than clothed.  He has been carrying some new underwear and shorts I got him a week or so ago around.  In the am he puts them on the couch in the family room and then takes them to bed with him at night.  He is super picky about what he wears. 

Side note:  I totally remember this.  I think I have a picture somewhere of his neat bed and his little tidy pile of his stuff.  He is still that way, he has little mementos and things from years ago and takes care of them.  Sam has always been organized and conscious of his things and personal hygiene.  I remember he would change his clothes if he got even one drop of water on them.  My cute, sweet, sensitive Sam.

Sage is a sweet girl, but into EVERYTHING!  She loves my contact solution, starting baths and playing with the bath soap.  Oh and toilet paper!  Wednesday (9/8) she peed on the potty and pooped last week on the potty as well.  She loves her Bubby (bear) and now the Halloween cat I got her on 9/7.    She often takes her diaper off and tries to clean her own poop.  Messy! 

Side note:  my little seek and destroy.  She was so quiet in her antics.  All this and she was only two and a half!  i still have her Bubby, as he ended up becoming a part of our family.  It's funny, she just asked about when she became potty trained... now she can read about it.

Saxton is a wonderful baby.  Fussing mostly only when she wants food or drink.  She smiles all the time.   She can stand on her own from sitting (has been doing that for about a month), but gets nervous and drops down when you try and get her to walk.  She sucks her thumb still and likes to suck with fuzzys like Sage and will often suck with left behind fuzz from Sage.  She sleeps well and naps well.  (Now Sam is back in her room.) Sage and Savannah are together in the front room sharing a mattress.

Side note:  Saxton was a good baby.  I was really lucky to have really sweet babies.  They didn't sleep too well until they were about a year, but they were so pleasant that I overlooked that part.  I must note, that little Savannah was a bit of a stinker with bedtime, I think because she was the first and I was only 21-22 years old, so what did I know?)

Savannah is a little "grown" person.  She picks out her own outfits and even reminds me of when she needs to go to the bus.  I got her an outfit today with a pretty "S" on the front in pink because I want her to know I love and think about her.  She told me yesterday she was winning the gold star competition for reading well and quiet.  She can be a bit of a "tattler," but I rely on her a lot to help with the kids.

Side note:  Savannah has been a hoot from a very early age, maybe even birth.  She had a twinkle in her eye out of the gate and sometimes, as a little person, it was hard to tell if she was smirking or smiling, in fact that's still the case.  I tell her that some people sparkle, some shine, but she goes a step further and has an iridescence about her.  She, like all my babies, is special and I love that they all beat to their own drums.

I remember when they were all small, this age in fact and people would see me out.  They often questioned if they were all mine and I would reply yes.  Then they would inevitably say, "you sure have your hands full."  It was almost as if I was holding four pumpkins I was about to drop.  I guess I did have my hands full, but also my heart.  Today as I read my own words and replay the memories in my mind, I would do almost anything to go back and scoop each one of those babies up and snuggle them at that age again.  Then I would get my sh*t together and not subject them for five more years to the fighting and ugliness they had to endure.

Having said that, I guess the blessing is, that at least I am reading these words while finally in a stable and loving relationship.  Additionally, in just a few days, (ten days, 22 hours and 16 seconds to be exact), I can finally hug my two oldest babies close and make some new memories.  Until then, I am grateful to have found this time capsule and still up in the air about what to share.  I had a lot to say back then and shared most of it solely to journal.  Maybe it's time for some of those thoughts to go beyond the pages that up until now have contained them.

May 2004:  Walt Disney World Mickey's Playhouse.

 

Friendly Strangers

I am making a goal, to write a blog a day for a month.  As those of you who read my blog know, my siblings and I no longer have contact with our biological father.  This honestly isn't our choice, but his.  We all hope deep down to have some sort of communication with him, but as of now that isn't possible.  So my way of coping is to look at the blessings from my father and four of them truly have saved my life at different points.  My siblings.  We may talk daily, weekly or sometimes monthly, but no matter, our hearts are always connected.  I once described the love between my all of us (including my mom)  as a root system that is so gnarled and interconnected that you can't pry it apart, it's unbreakable. 

My siblings are my support system and they have been pressuring me to write more and even publish.  I think they know me better than myself and have helped to plant the seeds of a long time dream of mine to write a book and possibly include some of my photography.  I am not sure when or if that will happen, but in the mean time I need to at least make the commitment to try.  So this goal, a blog a day is for them.  I love you all so much!

This first blog is dedicated to my family and to a new member of the club that we all belong to, called the I don't know a stranger, club.  Personally I can talk to the wall or just about anyone you put in front of me (my husband can attest to this) and apparently, my son Max is following in his momma's footsteps.  

Max and his new friend at the girl's soccer game.

Today we were checking out at Target. Max was just sitting there and out of the blue pointed to the sales lady at the next counter and said, "thats my friend."  She glanced our way, looking surprised at this declaration, but soon played along and acted as if they knew each other well.  As we were leaving they said their good-byes, but he wasn't done making friends.  At his cajoling, we stopped at  Starbucks on our way out to get him a milk.  As we were paying he turned to the couple behind us and said, "those are my friends."  They too looked caught off guard, but also quickly played along and asked him about the car he was holding.  He made sure to inform them it was "an ambulance."  Both of them laughed and asked him how old he was.  "Two," he proudly informed his new "friends."  They commented to me how smart he seemed, I smiled and took the compliment.  

I agree with them, he is smart and not just because he knows his shapes, how to count and that a truck just isn't truck, but an ambulance.  Max is smart because he knows one simple, yet very important thing, life is much better if you are friendly and treat others kindly, no matter who they are.  Unfortunately I, like many, have had to deal with my share of bullies, people just so miserable that they can't be anything but mean and judgmental.  It's been a process to realize I can't change these people, but I can hopefully raise my children to be the opposite of them; friendly, kind and not afraid to call complete strangers, friends.

One additional side comment about my biological father.  He too is a writer, a genius with his words, using them both to eloquently bolster and demolish a person's psyche.  As I have dealt with the negative people in my life who continue to try and damage my spirit, I have been tempted to share this in order to bring light to their true nature.  However, while that day may come, I am a beacon for my children and an example of how to not only act, but also react to the way others treat me.  As my husband has said more than once, just because they say it, doesn't make it true.  I will take my father's love for writing as a blessing and leave his injurious words (as well as other's) behind.  This is my story and only I can truly narrate the path I have taken as well as the journey yet ahead.      

Sam's Socks

Hand me downs are bittersweet I decided today as I put Sam's socks on Max. I could still picture Sam wearing them and his cute little toddler grin. He loved new socks, new anything and would sit them neatly at the foot of his bed. Sometimes he would hold off wearing the new item for days. I smile and think of Sam every single time I see the socks or sweatshirt that were once his and in a way always will be. The time will come when the hand me downs (there are only a few) won't fit Max anymore. However, I won't be able to donate them like the other items that he no longer wears. Instead, they'll find a special place in a drawer or a box so every so often I can pull them out and remember not one, but two little toddlers who once wore them. Until then, I will smile when I pull out Sam's socks and will try to put them on his little brother every chance I get. It's not often in life that you're lucky enough to fill socks not once, but twice, with with such sweet little toddler toes.

Holy Cornstarch!

It's spring break and so we were all home this morning hanging out. (We were at the beach all day yesterday enjoying the gorgeous weather and were all a bit tired.)  Jerry and I were upstairs on the computer dealing with Turbo Tax and the frustration that was causing when we heard Saxton yell from downstairs, "Max no!"  We asked her what happened (Max had maybe been downstairs five minutes and the girls were both down with him) and we were told that Max got some flour on the floor.  Thinking it wasn't that big of a deal and the fact that we were on hold with Turbo Tax we didn't go right down.  Our mistake.  A few minutes later her and Max came up and he was covered in what we thought was flour.  We knew we were in trouble.

Before I go any further, you must know, after this happened, Saxton was just walking through the mess, oblivious at the tracking she was doing downstairs, looking for the mail key.  Sage, just inches away from it all, was still staring zombie like at the television.  Jerry likened it to a massacre that had taken place and they were acting as if nothing happened.

Anyhow, after seeing Max, I jumped up and ran to the top of the stairs and saw this!

What you don't see, is the fine film of what I soon discovered was corn starch, not flour, that covered the entire kitchen and surrounding areas.  Max had gotten into Grandma's Costco sized jug of corn starch and tried to "make eggs and coffee" for us, at least that is what Sage recounted his words were.  Corn starch was everywhere!  This is where the mess originated, but Saxton, Max and Puppy traipsed it through the rest of the kitchen, down the hall, out in the garage and up the stairs!  You can tell by the look on Saxton's face that she realized, maybe she should have told us immediately the magnitude of the mess.

One other small fact is that we were supposed to be on vacation, sunning ourselves in California right about now.  However, Jerry and I are proud to announce we have decided to build a new home (so that we can have a new canvas for such messes.)  We have outgrown this one (Jerry bought it when he was single and the father of just one child, instead of the six he now has.)  This was a hard decision to make, we love our neighbors and our neighborhood!  And with big decisions, comes financial responsibility and so it was either Disneyland or a new home, and the kids chose the house!  (Yes, we gave them a choice and they didn't even pause with their answer, not sure what we would have decided if they chose the other way around.

So now we have been preparing our house for it's new renters and  have been working like crazy to clean all the nooks and crannies.  Therefore, you can imagine what such a mess led to... cleaning under ovens and underneath baseboards.  The freezer even found itself completely cleaned out, although I am not sure how that sequence happened.

But all is well again and Max is sitting on my lap giving me kisses and sharing his pretzels. (I just noticed the lid to the pretzels is also covered in a fine white film... )  This is life with a two year old and while he did get a time out and got to hear mommy exclaim a few choice words (to the corn starch of course!)  he was quickly forgiven.  Saxton and I even looked at each other as we began to clean up and giggled.  Hey, don't they say, "life gets messy, so you just have to clean it up!"

Sam's Birth Story

Baby Sam 2000

Preface:  When I was pregnant with Sam, I belonged to Babycenter.com and became pen-pals of sorts with a bunch of awesome ladies who lived all over the place.  I guess you could say this was the beginning of cyber relationships and pre-Facebook posting.  Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was sorting through some old papers and found several "posts" that I wrote to my friends.  One in particular, was very special.  It was my post just after Sam was born recounting the story of his entrance in the world.  I am not going to edit what I typed.  I am leaving it word for word, with even some typos because I was also nursing Sam.

Written March 27, 2000.

Sam is here!  All 7 lbs. 11.7 oz of pure joy!  He was 21 inches long and born at 1:22 am on Friday March 24th.  I had a little nubane that helped with the in between part of a total of three contractions, but the delivery overall was natural.  No episiotomy this time.  And I only needed a few stitches.  It was painful, but an awesome painful.  It was so intense and I will never forget it.  When they put him on my belly, I could not stop touching him and did not want to let him go!  He is beautiful and healthy and really here!  It was love at first sight and for some reason I feel/felt a little more protective about him than I did dd (dear daughter).  Maybe it was because I had a few more problems this pg (pregnancy) with spotting, etc... that I was more worried that he would not make it... anyway... his is wonderful.

About the labor... at about 7:25 I was coming home with dd from the neighbors and she was trying to get away, so I picked her up and had a major contraction, well just before I entered the garage I had this huge gush of fluid run down my leg, through my pants, on my shoes and the driveway.  I was not sure if I peed or if it was my water.  I went inside and took everything off and it did not smell like pee so I called dh (dear husband: these were shortcuts we used to communicate.)  He was at work and I told him I may have broken my water.  I told him to sit tight and I would call him back after I talked to the Dr.  Well after three pages I could not get a hold of him, so I call L & D and they told me to come in.  Dh came home meanwhile, he said that he could not wait and they sent him home.  He smelled my pants and also thought it did not smell like pee.  So we got ready to go.  We called mil and finally got her to agree to come over.  My neighbor came over so we could leave right away.  Dh did give dd a quick bath so that she would be all ready for bed.  

We drove to the hospital, I was having contras, but not real bad and only 5 min. to 8 min. apart.  We checked in and went upstairs.  I got undressed and the nurse checked me and said I was only 3 cm and my water had not broken.  So I guess it was pee, just not smelly pee lol. (side note:  I still think my water broke!!) Anyway she told me they would probably send me home.  Well then the Dr. came in and ripped my insides apart, said I was a good 4, he was going to break my water and we were going to have a baby.  He told us the nurses were busy and just wanted to send someone home, but this was a game and to just act like I was in pain  Well I was after they broke my water.  From 9:30 (when they broke it) until delivery, it was no fun.  Dh was a good coach.  He even had to help me go potty four times in the bed pan.  They would not let me get up in case of the cord prolapsing.  So I was in bed the whole time.  (little man is eatinng so I am typing one handed) The end was no fun because I was sitting at 7 cm and I had the urge to push.  I dilated to ten so fast and was climbing the bed with the urge.  They barely got me in the stir-ups and two big pushes later his head was out and then one more for his body  The placenta was no fun.  But was so worth it.  It was the most intense yet awesome/wonderful pain of my life!  (With dd I did have a local because of the episiotomy so this time was different with no local...)  

He is a good little guy.  He has really taken to nursing and that is going well.  Although I am so huge right now that I could feed five babies.  The hospital stay was nice, but Friday late morning little man gave us a scare.  After his circumcision, he started getting blue in his mouth and his arms and legs.  They ended up putting him in the warmer because his hr was low and his circulation was bad.  But by the end of the day and some major tlc by mom, he was better.  Except for a few short trips to the nursery for  weight and his 48 hour test, I did not let him out of my sight and would go everywhere with him.  I even had them give him his first bath in the room with me.

We got home yesterday afternoon and all is going well.  (Other than the fact that dh went golfing with the neighbor and left me with dd.) Thank you for helping me through this pg and for your friendship.  You are an awesome bunch of ladies and I glad to have you.

Lisa and Sam"the little man"Kenneth.

Postscript:  Re-typing this and re-reading it is very emotional for me.  I can replay all these memories like movies in my mind.  I remember in the middle of the night while we were still in the hospital, being all alone with Sam (My Ex slept at home).  He was sleeping on me and I was so high on adrenaline and love that I couldn't all asleep.  God had given me this perfect "little man" and I remember feeling so blessed, a feeling that has never faded.  Sam and I have a special bond.  He has always been my sweet boy and has always been such a love.  One of my favorite memories from this summer at that lake was during a late night boat ride with just Jerry, Sam and I.  We went out to look at the stars and say good-bye to the lake.  On the way back to the cabin, Sam fell asleep on me.  It felt like when he was just a little guy and would snuggle with me.  I truly felt like I was in heaven.  

I love you my sweet Sam.  You hold a very special place in my heart and I am so happy to be your mom.  Every moment I am away from you I miss you like crazy and pray to be with you again.  Happy Birthday and always remember... I love you to the moon and stars and back!

Missing my babies.

I remember when savannah was a baby she loved to sleep on my chest, her head pressed against my heart, her little behind in the air.  Sam was the same way, falling asleep as only a baby does.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't miss them and tonight is no different.  When I am at the point it physically hurts,  I often recall moments like these. I imagine their small bodies rising and falling with each breath I took, almost like they're floating on the sea, our hearts in perfect sync.

Tonight when Sam and I were saying good-bye, I couldn't hang up.  I wanted to find just the tight words to express how I feel, that If I could wish for one thing right now it would be that they could feel how much I love them and  how I would love to be holding them right now.

As I type this and cry my eyes out, all I can think is that Life is hard.  I've made so many mistakes.  However, no matter the wrong I have done, I think back to those babies sleeping peacefully on my heart and I know that they're the one thing I've done right.

I love you my sweet babies to the moon and stars and back.

Sam asleep on me summer 2000 at my mom's in NM

Dear Savannah and Sam,

Dear Savannah and Sam,

I almost lost it in Starbucks today. Jerry was joking with me about my big Africa purse and I turned to him and said, "tough crowd, tough crowd." I laughed and thought of you Savannah.  I remembered  you, Sam, Jerry and I on the plane coming home from Albuquerque. It felt so wonderful to be snuggled next to you looking at pictures from the wedding. I don't remember how the "tough crowd" comment came up, I just remember us laughing about it. It became our thing.

Thoughts like this pop in my head several times a day. They are like little movies that I allow myself to play over and over in an attempt not to miss you so much.  However there is often a fine line for me between feeling happy and then possibly being choked up because I miss you so much.  Here are a few other little memories that I would like to replay...

I remember in New Mexico, December 26th, Sam and I decided to go for a walk.  It was brisk, but sunny out and we took turns taking pictures while walking/jogging.  Sam and I just chatted away and both were in awe over the setting sun and beautiful views.  New Mexico is a beautiful place and no matter the time of year, lives up to it's name, Land of Enchantment.  Every time I come back it feels like coming home (I have several "homes" in my life.)  During our walk, we were able to watch the sun set, the moon rise and enjoy the beautiful shadow art on the desert and homes.  I loved this moment because it was just you and I, unfortunately a rare opportunity, which made it even more precious.  

That night was another memory that makes me smile.  We went with your Aunt Kathleen, Uncle Ben and Grandma to the mall where they spoiled both of you by buying you clothes (Savannah) and hats (Sam.)  We enjoyed half price frozen yogurt and laughed our behinds off as Uncle Ben lessoned us in speed walking.  A simple shopping trip turned into a lot of fun because of our goofing off and laughing the whole time.  

I loved every second of your visit over Christmas; Christmas together and a slumber party with good night songs. Hunting for breakfast burritos after 11 a.m. and shopping with Aunt Elizabeth and the cousins.  Picking up Jerry from the airport with Aunt Colleen and then helping her hunt for Wedding stuff at Hobby Lobby.  Dinner out with all the family and the movies with Aunt Colleen & Uncle Jed. Going on a long walk/hike searching for and finding Wild Horses near Grandma and Grandpa's house.  

Savannah, getting our nails done and lunch with all your Aunts and cousins Liberty and Addison. Helping to get ready for Aunt Colleen's Wedding.  Driving to the Jamez Mountains and hiking in the snow along a frozen river and dealing with four wild and crazy dogs.  Having Pizza at Aunt Kathleen's and Uncle Ben's.  Breakfast with Tushar, Becky and TJ where Sam taught TJ how to balance a spoon on his nose.  Aunt Colleen's Wedding and Sam, you showing us your amazing Dance moves as well as slow dancing with me.  Our plane rides to Washington where Savannah defied logic and walked the wrong way on the people movers.

We had an awesome time in Seattle watching the sun set, walking through Pike's place, playing games and having a fabulous dinner at PF Changs. I loved being with all six of my littles together, sometimes doing nothing but just hanging out or searching for Crabs at Chamber's Bay. Sam, you and I helping Savannah and being lessoned on a teenage girl and her shopping, as well as learning what ugly things are actually in some video games. ;-)Watching Life of PI and discussing the meaning of the movie.  Savannah our bike ride, remember how good you did?  Watching the Seahawks together, and they won! Eating all of Grandma's wonderful food and celebrating Christmas together, again. 

Life isn't perfect, but these memories with you two are.  I love you both so much and miss you like crazy.  The hardest part of being away isn't necessarily the big things, but the small ones; kissing you good-night, seeing you smile and hearing you laugh, hugging you.  

Please remember one more thing, I love you to the moon and stars and back. 

Love, Mommy

Colleen and Jed's Wedding December 31st, 2012