My littlest one turned three today and that simply can't be true. It felt like only yesterday that he was a newborn tiny as can be. Now he's full of thoughts and words, excited about everything. Today we went to Green Lake and walked the whole way around, then let the kids swim and play. Max loved it, but his favorite part of the day was afterward at Lake Union Park watching the sea planes take off and land. He loves planes and trains and gets excited about them each and every time he sees them.
He's such a smiley, sweet boy full of the dickens as my grandma Frisoni would say. It has been fun having my parents in town and watching them get reacquainted with Max and his exuberant personality. Often times the phrases he utters are that of someone ten times his age and at times put us in stitches!
We all feel blessed to have him in our lives, gracing us with his charm and whimsical grin. It's so amazing that the little baby so sick in the NICU three short years ago now runs circles around us.
There is a children's book called The Hello, Goodbye Window that is my inspiration for this blog. I remember reading it some time ago and related to the act of having a symbolic place for both hellos and goodbyes, a sort of entry to a worm hole that takes loved ones away and then re-delivers them. Ironically, the last several times the kids have come out the same door that they later left in. This causes me a sort of PTSD of sorts and I never quite feel just one emotion, but instead several feelings that come in waves. The majority of my drop offs, pick ups have happened in Seattle, but there has been a few others, Albuquerque and Minneapolis where I have also had both joyful greetings and tearful partings. Airports have become my Hello, Goodbye Window.
Tonight, in just minutes under God's watchful eye, the girls come home. Just six days ago I was here sending off Savannah and Sam, so with the feelings of angst still fresh, being at the airport is bittersweet. I have missed the girls like crazy, felt their absence constantly and counted the days for them to come home. However I wish it was all four of them coming out of the gate instead of just two.
People do blog for all kinds of agendas, but my main reason is to express my feelings and organize them in written form. My mind often races on at a million miles an hour and drags my heart along for the ride. If I don't stop sometimes and deal with the onslaught of thoughts and emotions, then they tend to carry me away to places I don't want to go. Relating a children's book to my life is a simple way of conceptualizing a very complicated part of my life. As I sit here at the gate remembering last weeks heartbreaking "goodbye," and anxiously watch the clock slowly creep, my eyes fill with tears. For while I am filled with mixed emotions, I am mostly grateful that thankfully tonight's visit is a happy, "hello."
My ex recently had some lovely things to say concerning my blog. I considered the source and in the end took it as a compliment that he chose to spend his precious time reading what I had to say. In a day and age of racey magazines and internet gossip, I guess I should feel honored that anyone choses to reading about my boring ol' life.
I think all of us (and I assume if you found this blog you participate, if even just a little, in the great and powerful social media network), have to be prepared for what others might say or think. We put our lives out there "on the line" (The Internship reference) and allow almost anyone into them. They know when we break up and make up, get married, divorced, have a baby, get a new job or lose one, who our friends are and what we had to eat at the restaurant we just "checked into." Class reunions are almost obsolete now because they happen every day on Facebook.
I don't have a problem with social media because I don't have a problem talking with complete strangers and chatting with them about basically anything. The other day at Costco I met myself in the form of a man in his late seventies. He talked to my husband and I about vacuums for over a half hour and ended our conversation by telling us how he was the orchestration behind some random couple getting married. What does that have to do with anything? Some might say nothing, but I disagree. To me what was impressive, was his ability to reach out to us and help us make a choice (he talked us into the Electrolux Cordless 2-in-one) via his ability to make a connection. For once, I was pretty quiet during this chat fest (it was the day I sent off Savannah and Sam and I was emotionally and physically spent), but I took the opportunity of seeing myself in someone else, like an out of body experience. I was okay with what I saw. I later told my husband, now I know what's it's like to talk to me... (grin.)
Mom in socks in crocs!
People are going to criticize you. It's inevitable in this thing called life. However I choose to continue on with my life anyway. This may be your first time reading this blog and if it is, you can see I don't post about the latest fashions (in fact my daughter Savannah thinks I need to be on an episode of what not to wear) or a new beauty tip. But, you might get the courage to voice an opinion of your own or learn to not take life too seriously and give yourself a break. After all, if you need to feel better about your life, you can just read about mine.
Side Note: This morning my two year old comes in to my bedroom, quite early and is sporting a chocolate mustache. I ask him (not how he got out of his crib... a new venture of his... he finally has the courage since his leg broke last year) but what he had to eat. He tells me "nothing" with a straight face and asks for a cheese stick. I go downstairs and prepare myself for the worse (he's taken lessons from his older siblings on the ability to "seek and destroy.") However, all I find is a carton of muscle milk and a small glass neatly poured. Nice job Max!
It took me a while to even go upstairs when we came back to the house today. For some reason I think my mind was pretending that maybe they were up there, at some point coming down to give me a much needed hug. I know that sounds crazy, but that is pretty much how I have felt all day any way, crazy. They talk about how if you mess with a mother bear's cub, she will attack and that is an appropriate analogy today. It's like this deep, almost animalistic longing to go after my babies and bring them home. I just miss all of them so terrible.
Tonight I was hanging up a few of the girls shirts in their closet and Max was in the room. I asked him where Sam was and he said that he was on an airplane. And I said, "yeah" and my voice started to crack. I was facing away from him, but he asked, "... are you sad?" I told him I was and he replied, "so am I," and then I lost it (for like the 25th time today.) He let me pick him up and I turned off the light and sat on the bed where Sam had been sleeping and just held him and cried. Truly I am waiting for the tears to run out, almost willing them to, but it's not happening.
In order to feel better, I just keep on trying to think of all the fun things that we did and just the silly little memories... like right now I am sitting on my back patio typing this and dealing with this large strange bug that Savannah and I videoed at our old house. Max had been facinated with it and it seemed to have followed me here. The tiki torches make me smile because Sam and I had a time trying to get them to go in the ground. "Funny the way it is..." how something that once brought you laughter could bring you to tears. It's amazing how in just such a short time of living here, the house has already been filled up with both Savannah and Sam's personality. And while the ensuing emptiness sucks, I am very glad that we did have an opportunity to all be here together. The two of them (and Max) are able to say they slept in the house on the very first night and helped jump start what will hopefully be years of memories here.
I am going to end with some pictures I took at Chamber's Bay on Monday. I have some more to post at a later date, but these are a few that just make me smile. I love you all my sweet babies, to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back.
I almost don't have words today. I truly wouldn't wish the pain I feel on anyone. The love you have for your children is so immense, that it makes saying good-bye nothing short of unbearable.
It's hard to believe that just a few hours ago, Sam and I were laughing our heads off while making snap chat videos. We were joking about our slumber party in Savannah's room and how I fell asleep with my glasses on.
I love you my sweet Savannah and Sam so much more than you'll ever know! Just remember you're never alone, because I always send a piece of my heart with you.
Sam shows how I feel and Savannah and Max show what I'm trying to portray. After crying like crazy once late last night (I ended up falling asleep with Savannah) and a second time this afternoon when my mom called, I'm hopeful the tears are gone, but I'm not counting on it.
The days have flown by at an insane pace and the idea that my babies are leaving tomorrow is almost unbearable. So tonight, after running errands, we've headed out for a good-bye dinner at Dukes. A last opportunity to just hang out, look at the water and enjoy each other's company.
The purpose of a jetty is ultimately to protect a beach or an inlet from the savage waves of the ocean. The rocks are enormous elephant size boulders placed in a jagged line out to sea. On one side the waves break in unending rows and the other they form from nothing into a large breaker which slams itself into the rocks.
I love the Jetty and the peacefulness of the sound of wave upon wave. They aren't easy to navigate and often people don't try. However it's possible. As I was using both my bare feet and hands to scale each one, I had to look around and take my time at certain points in order to decide which way to go. It would have been easy and plenty beautiful to just sit on the beach and admire the massive wall, but then I would've missed the perspective I currently have.
I'm able to watch the kids from the ocean's vantage point and witness them enjoy their day at the beach. My mind is clear and I'm relaxed. In a few days my two oldest leave and my heart will truly be broken. But for today, thanks to our escape to the ocean, I can just be. As I sit and allow the rocks to block the harsh wind, I'll enjoy this moment. For I know, that soon I'll have to stand, feeling it's sharp sting and begin my treacherous journey yet again.
Side Note: Sam came out and met me and we ventured out further. After all, life is more fun with someone you love by your side.
I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be. I cuss, get cranky and worry too much. As I have said, I'm often my own worst enemy.
“If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.”
I don't like negativity nor hate. I might not like what you say or do, but I'm not going to waste my time by hating you because of it.
I'm a mother, therefore I'm protective. After all I have gone through and put my children through, the last thing I want to do is cause them more harm or allow any harm done to them. They are too wonderful and deserve happiness every day of their life.
It's hard to believe that tomorrow if all goes well, we will get the keys to our new home. It still seems unreal to me even though we have been to the house dozens of times and have overseen pretty much every detail.
Today when we signed our life away I thought it would sink in, but still not quite. Tonight as we sleep in our current home for possibly the last time, I'm filled with bittersweet feelings. After all I don't have any unhappy memories here, and the truth is, it's the first house I can honestly say such a thing.
It's here that we made our first real "home," where I went through my pregnancy with Max and brought him home to. It's where we had our wedding dinner and joined our family together. I will always have an attachment to not only this house but to the neighborhood and all our amazing neighbors who have been so kind to us. I feel very blessed that the family that is moving in, are friends of ours, so we can still come visit.
Tomorrow is a big day and a new chapter in our life together. It's Jerry's first brand new house and my first experience of watching one built from nothing. It's our first bought together and I feel blessed that our family will have the opportunity to make memories in our new home.