Twitter My Life.

"I try my hardest to just not let it bother me"

"Ew why is that your twitter picture?"

"I just don't get you sometimes"

"I feel miserable"

"Ha and you think I care"

"the conversations I have with some people >"

"You hide your feelings but end up regretting it...you share your feelings

but somehow the world finds a way to make you regret it even more"

Savannah's Tweets

As I watch my Fifteen year old struggle with this insane world of social media, I become thankful that it wasn't part of my generation.  It was hard enough being a teenager, especially living in a dysfunctional house.  I imagine at times the ability to vent to the virtual world would have been helpful (it is now) but I'm a lot more mature and emotionally capable to deal with any ensuing bull shit.  Sadly I have seen first hand how brutal and heartless cyber bullying has truly gotten.  It isn't just teenagers anymore who throw virtual punches to helpless victims, most of the time without any repercussions.  After all it's easy to hide away in a room and attack someone who is not physically there to defend themselves.  At times a sort of "kick em' while they're down mentality.  I wish I could protect my loved ones from such things, but sadly, short of cutting them off from all forms of technology, there isn't an ability to do so.  All I can do is remind them what wonderful people they are and just because someone says it, doesn't make it true.

As I follow my daughter's tweets and those of her friends, I can visibly see the pain, hurt, happiness and frustration that they are feeling.   However, often her tweets are short, vague and many times it's hard to truly know who they are about.  Is she frustrated with friends, a teacher, family or some boy?  Often times I think she goes between sending out a message and pulling one back.  It's a true art learning how to twitterfy your life.

You might think I am attacking the institute of such social medias, I am not, just those who use it to bully.  In my life, without things such as twitter,  I would have less windows into my daughter's world.  With us being hundreds of miles apart, social media has become invaluable to me while Savannah and even Sam are away.  Between Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram I can usually paint a picture of their world.  These "pictures," tweets and messages are priceless to a mom who misses her two oldest babies like crazy.  Sam doesn't twitter, so only Savannah falls victim to my barrage of tweets.  I had a realization about my own tweets and tweeted this, "As I look back on my #tweets, I realize my #twitter account is basically a #love letter to @savannah... #youaremysunshine!"

The other day my sweet little Savannah told me that hardly any moms are accepted into her friend's twitter world.  This made me happy that she felt comfortable enough to let me into hers.  I imagine she realizes that it helps my aching mommy heart to know when I am missing her, and if she's too busy to call, I can at least catch a glimpse of her via her twittering tweets.

I love you my sweet babies to the moon and stars, the moon and stars, across the twitter world and back!

You can find and follow me at @33connelly on the twitter.


    

Pandora Radio's Box.

My blogs come to me in funny ways sometimes.  Today it was while listening to Dave Matthews Band on Pandora Internet Radio.  My two favorite stations are DMB and Michael Buble'.  They tend to have a variety of songs that I just love and also tend to elicit all kinds of memories, sort of like opening Pandora's Box.

I am a music person.  This might be a cliche' phrase, but I truly live by the soundtrack of all kinds of music.  I run to it, bike, do laundry, work in the yard, paint benches, pack, move and unpack to music.  I started all of my little ones young, Savannah being the first, with all kinds of music.  For example I used to dance with her to DMB during the evening when she was fussy.  When I was pregnant with Saxton, I frequently listened to , Time to Say Goodbye, by Andrea Bocelli (which is probably one of my top five favorite songs of all time.)  After she was born, if she got fussy in the car, I would blast it and she'd quiet right down.  I remember once while we lived in Albuquerque, blaring it in grocery parking lot because she was fussing and I was trying to get Sage, Sam and Savannah in the van (at one point I had four in carseats) and the groceries loaded up.  People were driving by giving me strange looks, but I didn't care, music was saving my sanity.

I actually found Pandora while I was a student at Colorado State. I would put on classical and listen to it on my library days (Mon, Wed, Friday I would spend the entire day studying/researching while the kids were in school.)  I swear I should give the station credit for my grades and degree, after how much the music helped me to relax, concentrate and block out all distractions.

One of my favorite things about it is that I never know what song is going to come next.  It may be a Dave song from a decade ago, or something new that I haven't heard yet (often I hear songs on Pandora even before they hit the radio, sometimes months in advance.)  However, at times this experience can be bittersweet.  Songs are similar to photographs for me and often carry a memory with them.  They often transport me back to certain times in my life wether I want to go there or not.  I remember my counselor telling me once that memories and hurt from the past can be likened to bus stops on a regular route.  You may choose not to get off, but eventually you will circle back around again and the same "stop" will be waiting for you.  I still haven't quite mastered dealing with this concept, i'll let you know when I do.

As I approach the anniversary of a series of pinnacle moments in my life, I am back to many of those stops on a particularly painful route.   This morning a song stopped me dead in my tracks (I was working, typing orders on my computer).  It reminded me that I need to get off and confront some demons that I have been avoiding.  You might think that I see certain music as a negative for reminding me of such things.  Instead, I view it as a positive example that no matter what painful things you might have dealt with in the past, you are always offered a second chance to make the next memory beautiful.  Ironically, as I finish typing this, Dave Matthews' "Baby" is playing and it think his lyrics are strangely appropriate to end this blog...

Nothing is here to stay

Everything has to begin and end

A ship in a bottle won't sail

All we can do is dream that the

wind will blow us 

across the water

A ship in a bottle set sail

Silent Noise

I beleive The sea allows for a peaceful quiet by creating an immortal lull.  

After we arrived last night, we quickly unpacked so we could attempt a long awaited visit to the ocean.  It was just before dark and the marine layer was heavy.  As we came through the dunes, an erie mist prevented a clear view of the water, but the constant crash of the waves told us we had arrived. My heart was happy, my soul was calm.

As I stand here, the tide slowly buries my feet.  The only sound that is playing, is my favorite one of all.  With the hectic pace of life left behind, I literally feel the last remnants of stress being washed away out to sea.  

I love that this summer I have been blessed to bring all my babies to the ocean.  Hear their laughter and witness their smiles.  Life is better by the ocean and I'm grateful for the gift it has given to me. 

deconstructive criticism

My ex recently had some lovely things to say concerning my blog.  I considered the source and in the end took it as a compliment that he chose to spend his precious time reading what I had to say.  In a day and age of racey magazines and internet gossip, I guess I should feel honored that anyone choses to reading about my boring ol' life.

I think all of us (and I assume if you found this blog you participate, if even just a little, in the great and powerful social media network), have to be prepared for what others might say or think.  We put our lives out there "on the line" (The Internship reference) and allow almost anyone into them.  They know when we break up and make up, get married, divorced, have a baby, get a new job or lose one, who our friends are and what we had to eat at the restaurant we just "checked into."  Class reunions are almost obsolete now because they happen every day on Facebook.

I don't have a problem with social media because I don't have a problem talking with complete strangers and chatting with them about basically anything.  The other day at Costco I met myself in the form of a man in his late seventies.  He talked to my husband and I about vacuums for over a half hour and ended our conversation by telling us how he was the orchestration behind some random couple getting married.  What does that have to do with anything? Some might say nothing, but I disagree.  To me what was impressive, was his ability to reach out to us and help us make a choice (he talked us into the Electrolux Cordless 2-in-one) via his ability to make a connection.  For once, I was pretty quiet during this chat fest (it was the day I sent off Savannah and Sam and I was emotionally and physically spent), but I took the opportunity of seeing myself in someone else, like an out of body experience.  I was okay with what I saw.  I later told my husband, now I know what's it's like to talk to me... (grin.)

Mom in socks in crocs!

People are going to criticize you.  It's inevitable in this thing called life.  However I choose to continue on with my life anyway.  This may be your first time reading this blog and if it is, you can see I don't post about the latest fashions (in fact my daughter Savannah thinks I need to be on an episode of what not to wear) or a new beauty tip. But, you might get the courage to voice an opinion of your own or learn to not take life too seriously and give yourself a break.  After all, if you need to feel better about your life, you can just read about mine.

Side Note:  This morning my two year old comes in to my bedroom, quite early and is sporting a chocolate mustache.  I ask him (not how he got out of his crib... a new venture of his... he finally has the courage since his leg broke last year) but what he had to eat.  He tells me "nothing" with a straight face and asks for a cheese stick.  I go downstairs and prepare myself for the worse (he's taken lessons from his older siblings on the ability to "seek and destroy.")  However, all I find is a carton of muscle milk and a small glass neatly poured.  Nice job Max!

Dinner and a movie.

Have you ever needed a break and you didn't realize it until after you received it? That's how I felt tonight at dinner.  It wasn't planned, just last minute because of a meeting with our real estate agent and the fact that most our house is packed in boxes.  So after I took a shower (it had been a couple days and my hair was in a perma bun on top of my head) and a trip to the house, we went to the Ram and had a yummy dinner and actual conversation. Just looking across the table at Savannah and Sam made me smile.  I just love that they're here!  Plus, Max was awesome and entertained himself by eating a massive bowl of Clam Chowder (that I think was originally Savannah's.) This may all sound simple, but the end result was a relaxed momma who was able to spend quality time with my littles and my honey.  

Afterword, at Savannah's request, we watched The Call and I'm not so relaxed anymore. (That was a scary movie, of which I really don't watch anymore and now I remember why.) Although I have to admit, the junk food binge and snuggle time with Savannah and Sam made the terrible nightmares I'm about to have all worth it.

Hike for Love.

I took this of Savannah hiking in the trees.

There is currently a virtual race on Facebook called a Run for the White House for Childhood Cancer.  I have blogged about it previously, but wanted to bring light to it again tonight, because as I was running this evening, I realized just how much it has become a daily part of my life, even affecting the choices I make.  

A good Samaritan took a picture of all four of us.

This was the case yesterday when instead of heading home, we decided to stay and hike down to one more beach in our spontaneous visit to far Northeastern Washington.  I had found out that in order to get to this particular beach, we had to hike almost a mile through rain forest.  Part of the reason behind my stopping is because I did the math and I knew with all three of us hiking (Max was in a pack on my back), it would add at least four and half miles to our total for the day.  With my oldest two here and having to pack my house for our hopeful move next week, I have not been able to get as many miles in and that has bothered me.  (I joked today that I need to get a pedometer because of how much I'm on my feet and making trips up and down the stairs.)

Sam hiked out to this rock!  He loved it!

 So we decided on the hike and I am so glad we did, the forest was gorgeous and the beach was stunning.  I remember walking through the waves with Savannah and telling her about the virtual walk and it being the deciding factor for doing this hike instead of heading home.  We both stopped and said a little prayer for the little ones we are running/walking/hiking/biking for.  With them as my inspiration, they gave me the gift of an unforgettable memory.

Sam took this of Savannah, Max and I.  He's kissing my cheek!

It is often said to not let the suffering of a child (or anyone for the matter) to be done in vain.  Instead, hold them in your heart as a reminder to not take life for granted and that each day is precious.  My experience at the ocean also taught me to cherish the moments where life surprises you and pauses for a moment of pure joy.  Thank you Brian for being a beacon to so many in your quest to help bring light to the tragedy of Childhood Cancer.  This hike is in honor of you, your son and all the little ones battling cancer.       

Savannah capturing a bit of the sea and sand to remember the day.

We went searching for Vampires and found Paradise.

A perfect day, that is what today was.  On a whim, after a suggestion from Sam, we decided to drive to Forks to go see the Vampires.  We literally planned the trip moments before bed last night, woke up and Savannah, Sam, Max and I were on our way.

It is a long trip with no ideal direct root, but with gorgeous scenery none the less.  Truth be told, we loved it!  On the way up, we stopped at some random beach on the Sound and had a picnic and played with the crabs.  Then off to Forks we went to find the Vampires.  They were illusive, but we were able to see some houses, buildings and cars from the Twilight movies and books.  We didn't really have a plan and had never been up to this part of Washington, so we were totally winging it (with the help of the Visitor's center in Forks.)  

After Forks, we headed to LaPush beach, also in the movie.  It was gorgeous and we all had a blast playing in the sand and water.  It was getting late, but we decided to throw caution to the wind and stopped at another beach nearby.  This one required an almost mile hike through the rain forest down to the water.  The whole experience was breathtaking and unforgettable.  The whole day was filled with  "moments" I won't forget, but the last beach was just pure paradise.  The drastic nature of the way land had been carved by the sea was spectacular.  After exploring a bit we were contemplating on leaving, but I decided that we should go barefoot again and explore the beach a little more. This allowed us to play in the water and explore the wonder of sea-life-filled tide pools.  However, I think truthfully, we all just wanted the magic of the day to last just a little bit longer.   

I think Max said it best when out of the blue he declared, "I like this place."   Savannah, Sam and I agreed.  It was an awesome adventure and a new memory of a day exploring uncharted territory. On the way home we went a little different route and found ourselves diving along The Crescent Lake in the Olympic Mountains.  As Sam said, it seemed to go on forever and was a beautiful deep blue.  It almost looked fake with how the hills hit the water and the clouds hung between both.  Just another unexpected visual treat to finalize our day.

All in all,  I think I fell even more in love with Washington and all it has to offer today and I am so grateful that Savannah and Sam were here to share it with me.  Today was another example of when we allowed ourselves to stop doing and instead, just be.

Side note:  I am off to bed, a wee bit tired after quite a day, but promise to post more pictures tomorrow.  

Instagram her life.

My teenage daughter is introducing me into the whole new budding culture of "self-ees"(pictures taken of yourself) and "likes" on Instagram.  She has lessoned me on when you post, how many in a day and how to tell if a picture is "likable" or not.  What are the most popular pictures?  Not artistic shots or landscaping like her ol' mom posts, but pictures of yourself.

Yesterday I took this picture after hanging out at Meeker Days, in a little park on our way to the car.  My beautiful little girl all grown up.  I didn't know how I felt about her putting her picture onto the web to be liked or not.  However, after seeing some of the completely inappropriate pictures that her fellow classmates were posting, I was grateful for what she chose to share. 

Last night she asked me if I would take some pictures of her all dressed up and I was more than happy to. After all, it's not often that your child willingly lets you photograph them.  I'm used to trying to wrangle Max for a picture, which is like trying to keep a wave upon the sand.  However I am still a little unsure about the fact that people are basically voting on how pretty my daughter is.  To me she is this beaming sunshine who is truly one of a kind, she's my love, my life and perfect in every way.  She deserves a million likes as far as I'm concerned.  I don't want her to ever view herself one way or another based on peer "likes."  None the less, while I have to accept this is the culture she is growing up in, I do find some comfort that she is choosing photos her mom not only approves of, but actually took.   

  

 

    

Between the Raindrops

Between the Raindrops

My sister Colleen actually had this as her wedding song and we were listening it on the way home from Seattle tonight.  Considering the weather the last few days and my feelings as I write this blog, I felt this title was appropriate.  

If you consider the symbolism of moving "between the raindrops" that is how I have felt these last few days and hours of having my four oldest together.  It went way to fast and almost as if it was just a  moment.  The last three summers I have been blessed to have more time, but it just wasn't in the cards this summer.  Unfortunately I had less than a week and for that I am truly sorry.  However, I did my best to enjoy the time and have a couple of days (Sunday and today) where we spent most of the day out and about.  

The other symbolism behind this song is that the last two days we had raindrop moments.  Yesterday it started to just downpour.  Savannah was so funny, not quite used to our swift moving torrential coastal rains.  At one point Savannah, Max and I were running around in the rain and then all stood under an umbrella.  We just stayed there in the curb letting the rain run between our toes, every once in a while Max would puddle jump and even chased his sister around the cul-de-sac.  I loved it.  Stopping time for the rain.

Today, after a bit of a late start, we headed to Seattle to the Pacific Science Center.  After finding parking a few blocks away we walked through a few parks and by the city park water fountain.  Although we had a fun day enjoying the laser show, an IMax movie about planes and just playing around; one of the kids favorite things was the fountain. No matter the weather, we enjoyed it both on the way to and from the PSC.  However on the way out, we stayed for awhile and even as the rain came down I had fun just photographing my littles enjoying themselves, playing and running "between the raindrops."  Life is crazy, busy and full of just doing, but as I heard somewhere, you also have to just be.  I feel like this week happily I was given a few of these moments, including the one that Jerry photographed. Nonetheless, it's only appropriate that we are all a bit wet in the picture that he took, because sadly as we know, eventually luck and time run out and the rain finally reaches us.    

  

Change of Perspective

I have been fortunate enough to have traveled through and physically touched 49 of our 50 states.  (I still need Alaska.)  Each and every state has it's own culture, character and soul.  I have actually traveled through each of these states, driving from Albuquerque to Maine, Albuquerque to FL, CO to California, Colorado to WA, Back and forth from NM & CO to the Midwest.  I drove from Indianapolis to Kiawah Island, South Carolina by myself when I was 20.  I took a train by myself (when I was barely 20) from OR to Indiana, sleeping in coach or on the floor of the caboose.  I have driven from OR to CA to NV to AZ to UT to WY to MT to ID and back to OR in a week, all on little to no sleep.


I have canoed/camped in the Boundary waters of Minnesota, woke up to Elk outside my tent in Rocky Mountain National Park and walked around an island while camping in Orcas Island in Washington.  I have driven through the night while crossing our great country, dealt with temperatures ranging from 110 + in AZ, to  -30 when moving here and driving through MT.  I drove from Bloomington, IN to Memphis with my best friend to visit Elvis' house and from IN to WI to live for the summer.  From IN to GA to visit the south.  I have driven solo, with family and with friends.



My four oldest babies have driven literally thousands of miles and have been to over 30 states while traveling with me on many of these journeys.  Starting with Savannah driving from IN to CO when she was just six weeks old.  Saxton also started young traveling at three weeks from NM to AZ and then also at six weeks from NM to IN via CO.  I have even crossed the Canadian border at the Niagara Falls and from AZ and later CA into Mexico.  In 2005 I was in the ocean in Maine and then in California, opposite coasts, all in the same month, while living in New Mexico.    



These are just a sample of my long and sometimes short trips across our great country.  We are blessed to have just about every kind of landscape, from mountains to prairies, rocky coastlines to those laid out like glass.  Each and every state has offered me some sort of perspective, a different way of viewing life.  I have experienced the poorest of cities while helping in West Virginia with Habitat for Humanity, to the wealthiest while working in Los Angeles and visiting NYC.  I have enjoyed Sunrises on the East Coast, to Sunsets on the west, sometimes alone and sometimes with someone I love.




I have now found my home to be a town just south of Seattle, over two thousand miles from my hometown in Indiana.  My heart is content here, my soul finally finding some peace.  One of my favorite places to visit, Pike Place Market, has a personality all its own and is one of my favorite spots to photograph.


The Market has taught me that you don't always have to travel far to discover something new, that even a place you have frequented many times can still show you a fresh point of view, but only if you are able to change your perspective.

Side Note:  These are all my photographs at different perspectives and during different visits to Pike Place Market in Seattle Washington.

    

This is for all you mommas out there who need a shout out!

I made a goal, a blog a day and so here goes...

First, sorry Savannah, but this is a mom blog, talking about my day, an average day, of a mom.  

Tonight I was reading Facebook and started noticing all the moms who were writing posts about how they were tired, fed up and at their wits end.  It prompted me to think about my day and I was curious if their's was similar to mine.

I woke up with Jerry at six this morning and was off to the races.  We are still in school here, so I had to get three kiddos ready and one two year old dressed so he could come along for the ride.  Then to give you the Reader's Digest version, I took Brayden to school, ran a few errands, went home to get my forgotten phone and headed to the grocery store.  I got done just in time to get the girls from school.  Home.  Made dinner, more cleaning, dishes, Max to bed, laundry.  Some work from home and then off to get Brayden from school.  Back to the grocery for some forgotten items. Check on home construction.  Home.  Get kids organized and ready for soccer, feed dinner to the littles and head to the YMCA for two soccer practices.  I did get a five mile run in while I was there (that was purely on fumes.)  Home.  Shower time, bath time, bed time, dinner time and thanks to my sweet hubby, movie time.  Whew!  And that folks was the Reader's Digest version.

Yes ladies, I know some of you are tired, fed up and probably feeling a bit at your wits end.  However, just know that you are not alone.  You have others out there to vent to and who are willing to give you the empathy that you need.  It is hard.  We do have to be chauffeur, counselor, tutor, personal shopper,  coach, fitness instructor, cook, maid, nurse and teacher.  However, just remember, when the day is done and it's time for good night hugs and kisses, when you feel those little arms wrap you in a tight squeeze, you know it's all worth it.  You are appreciated.  I appreciate you.  All of you who have had a rough day, I am hoping tomorrow is better.  Trust me, I am living, breathing, proof that this to shall pass.

This is dedicated to all of my babies.  You are all the best of me and I love you all to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back!

Savannah, you prompted me today to write about a current issue.  I hope I did you proud.  There is nothing more current then a modern day mom's struggle to just make it through the day.  If she can do that, then she has won, no matter what anyone says.

       

Sell me in a garage sale.

Today was garage sale day and to say the least, it was enlightening.  The garage sale culture is one where daughters ask mothers for a $3.00 item for their thirteenth birthday present and mom actually hemmed and hawed over such a request, even after the daughter offered to do chores.  Garage sales are the only place in "sales" if you want to call it that, where someone will actually ask you if you'll take 20 cents for a frame already marked down to a quarter.  This truly happened to me and I profited 40 cents on two frames that probably retailed for a total of $15.  Granted, they were several years old and dinged up, but still... 20 cents.

Max watching his friend drive away.

People literally want something for nothing.  Well not all people... today I was graced by this amazing elderly lady, 82 years old, driven around by her son, in an ancient truck that was barely running.  She was an angel in disguise, who deserved to be pampered, but instead chose to collect the ingredients for terminal patient's care packages.  When I tried to give her items for free, she insisted on paying for them.  (So I dropped my prices 95% and in garage sale speak that means pricing things for mere cents instead of dollars.)  I was in love.  So was Max.  Their friendship was sealed when she gave him a 5 cent tip, a "token in appreciation" as she called it.  She truly put my whole day into perspective.      

Life is somewhat similar to a garage sale, where not just items, but people become old hat and their worth fades to almost nothing in the eyes of others.  Then, just when you least expect it, angels come along and see value, giving an item, or a person, new life.
 

The Little Happy's

Taken while running the other day.
Another "little happy" in my life.

Today as we were on our way home from soccer practice, I looked over at the girls as they joyfully munched on Mc Donald's ice cream cones.  They had enjoyed not only getting the treat, but also the unusually funny character who took our order at the drive through.  He used silly voices and made both of the girls giggle at the unique way he served us.  I realized then, that sometimes life is simply about the little happy's.

Little happy's such as having a heart to heart conversation with those who are far away, like yesterday with my sister Kathleen and then again this morning with my cousin Christi.  Both are dear to me and life sometimes gets in the way of us touching base.  Conversations, that like today, also gave me the ability to study with my daughter Savannah for her World History Final.  We discussed such things as World Wars, Social Darwinism and Enlightenment.  Her knowledge of the terms and desire to do well, really made me proud of what a smart young lady she has grown up to be.  These "phone dates" give the impression that even though we are several hundred miles away physically, our spirits are still there, snuggled right next to one another.

So wether it is an ice cream surprise or hearing the sound of a loved one's voice on the other end of the line, it's the little happy's that get us through the sometimes not-so-happy times.

Side note, an additional "little happy," was the encouragement I received yesterday when I confessed the reasoning behind my blog-a-day goal.  Thank you to all those who take the time to read my thoughts, I truly do appreciate it.

 

Pee Parties and other little Victories of Motherhood...

In honor of Mother's Day, I contemplated what to write about.  It came to me as I thought of myself jumping around, clapping and cheering in the family restroom at Kohl's on Monday. It's the little victories that lead to such things as pee parties, which matter most.  Max and I had walked over to Kohl's while we were waiting for our tire to get fixed at Les Schwab.  I had to use the restroom and decided on going family style so I didn't have to worry about Max crawling under the stall door and escaping.  Oh happy day, sure they had the regular run-of-the-mill toilet, but they also had a very attractive toddler toilet that gained Max's utmost attention.  He hadn't peed on the toilet for me yet, but with his growing excitement for this mini-commode, I thought I'd try.  So I put on a seat cover (of course) and he sat down and peed!  I whooped and hollered in a most animated fashion, which made him excited!  Moments later, just before I was able to get him back in his diaper and clothes; the guy called to tell me our car was ready.  While I was talking to him, Max sat back down and peed more.  I quickly hung up and started the party all over again!  This was a big moment after all.  (Max did get to pick out a prize afterward; the toys were right outside the bathroom and made it too easy.  Although it must be noted, I didn't promise him any such reward prior, he had honestly chosen to pee on his own accord!)

These pee parties and the like are the best part of being a mommy.   They get us through the trials and tribulations of mother-hood.  With this trend of the great roller coaster in mind, I was able to help Sage the other day after her soccer game.  It was the first of the outdoor season and Sage had made not one, not two, but three goals!  She was the only one to score and helped her team win their game.  However, instead of being happy, she was in her "sage mode" and worried her teammates would view her as a ball hog.  I looked at her and told her no, she wasn't a ball hog, just in the right place at the right time.  Going further, I reminded her about the team that she and Saxton were on last spring that didn't win a game, often didn't even have a full 9 person team and were held to just a couple of goals the whole season.  I reminded her that even in such tough conditions, they didn't give up and went to every game and played their hearts out.  As a mom I cheered them on with pride, not because they won or lost, but because of how they played the game.  I told Sage that she deserved those three goals; she earned them by not giving up when things were at there worst.  I told her to celebrate, after all they might be the only ones she makes all season and wouldn't it be a shame if she didn't enjoy it.  She smiled and agreed.  Sage went on to score again this last Saturday and then cheered as two of her teammates scored in a play they had went over in practice.  Her team won again, but I don't think that mattered as much as the lessons she was learning.

With this same concept in mind, Savannah made me proud this spring by going out for track.  However one day, she was unnecessarily tough on herself about how she was performing.  I reminded her of her PRs (personal records) but that more importantly, she was doing something healthy and constructive with her time.  Instead of hanging out after school possibly getting in trouble or making bad choices, she was choosing instead to get in shape and be part of a team.  I was proud of her for that more than anything.  Good for you Savannah, good for you!  

These Mommy moments come in all kinds of ways. Yesterday I was getting the kids ready to take them to school and I asked Brayden where Saxton was.  He told me she was in the car already, never mind it was only 7:54 and we didn't need to leave for at least ten or fifteen minutes.  I laughed with my husband about it later.  It's kind of a joke around the house concerning the fact that she is a drill Sergeant when it comes to leaving for school.  However we will take it, it's much better than the alternative of being late because she doesn't want to go.  I am very proud of the student she has become and how important school is to her.  That's my girl, a nerd like her mom.  So no matter if it is Sergeant Saxton, or other little victories like watching Brayden choose to play cars with his little brother, or Sam getting excited about building villages in X-box Minecraft  (versus more violent games), give me reasons to get excited.

  

So yes, I celebrated my "Mother's Day Weekend" with a wonderful date night on Saturday and a Sunday in Seattle, walking through Pike Place Market, bike riding on Alki Beach and feeling all the love from my little’s.  And true, come Monday, the laundry, dishes, cleaning and driving were back. But that's all okay, because I also was also able to enjoy a Pee Party and that makes it all worthwhile.

Happy Mother's Day (a few days late in fully mommy fashion) to all my fellow mommas out there!  Love you!

Most importantly, thank you to my little’s who give me the title of mom, I love all of you to the moon and stars and back!

Judgement

Judgement, we are all guilty of it. We meet someone, we hear about somebody's crazy story, relationships, choices and we pass on our own set of judgements.

"Walk a mile in my shoes..." Have a conversation with me. Talk to me. Ask me questions. I'll answer. If you have the courage to speak before judgement or in the face of it, I'll give you the promise if an honest reply.

Ask about my past. It doesn't define me, but it helped to create the person I am today. I'm not perfect. Perfection is a lie upon which people stand because they can't be honest with themselves. If you can't be honest with yourself, deal with the rawness of your true self, then no one will be able to know the true you.

Love and then forgive and then move on.

Be yourself. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others define who you are by their twisted and unhealthy perceptions.

Don't tolerate manipulation, it's a form of abuse.

Be grateful for friendship. I have been amazingly blessed by many angels who have walked through my life and literally stood by my side in my darkest hours.

Cherish family. My gorgeous, perfectly imperfect family. I love you and the unconditional love you have given to me time and time again.

My babies. I love you. I promise to never judge you, but instead, appreciate you in your most beautiful light.

Judgement. I won't tolerate it. Life is too short and I'm tired of a mis drawn conclusion without reading the whole story.

Remember... Things aren't always what they seem or how you perceive them to be.

Death by Divorce

Tonight my husband and I were playing around on Google Earth and I decided to show him my bike route from my house in Fort Collins to Colorado State.  My last semester before I graduated, I made a vow not to drive my car to class and to ride instead.  Thinking back over that I time, I remembered how much I loved those rides.  The path was beautiful and it allowed me a fresh start in the morning and a stress-decompression time in the afternoon.  Recalling memories from this time in my life, is almost like recalling a dream.  I haven't been back to Fort Collins since I moved.  This isn't because I didn't like it there, I did.  I think it is more because I needed time to lick my wounds and heal from my divorce and the pain I went through leading up to that point.

Until last June, I also had not been back to the Midwest since my last visit there with my Ex to baptize Sage and Saxton.  It was there and then that he told me he wanted a divorce.  The act of going back and reliving those, as well as other painful memories of the past was not easy.  It was as if I was dealing with the death of part of me, years of my life lost in a void of space and time.

Maybe my experience is unique in the fact that I did move so far away at the very moment that one part of my life ended and another began.  Not only that, I moved to a place where no one knew me.  They didn't know what I had been through, who my friends were, anything about the journey I had been on with my four oldest children.  It was like starting my life completely over, a clean slate.  However, it also meant the near death of my past, both good and bad, including memories of my life with my Ex and our experiences with our four children, family and friends.  You could liken it to the act of getting rid of a tumor, where sometimes you have to lose good tissue and healthy parts of yourself in order to get rid of the bad.

This "death" is hard sometimes.  I often wish to bridge the gap between my two worlds and allow some of the good to come over into my new life.  Most importantly, I don't want my children to lose their memories because of the association with the negative.  They experienced their childhood during those times and deserve to cherish special memories, as well as feel free to talk about them.  As an example, my Ex and I took several cross country road trips, spanning several states.  These unique trips are still priceless to me as I recall introducing my children to the ocean for the first time, the mountains, great cities and spectacular monuments of our country.  These are the moments that deserve to live.

Our bodies and minds are amazing things.  When we are injured, broken, our body knows to shut down and only run the most important functions in order to heal.  People who have grave brain injuries often go into comas in order to allow for this necessary healing.  I think painful emotional experiences result in a similar phenomenon.   We shut down and only deal with what we have to until we are better.  Then, as we "awake" again, we might feel pain, and have to conceptualize our injury, but hopefully we have had enough healing time in order to deal with it.

I still have rough days as a result of what I have been through and continue to go through,  but thankfully the good far outweigh the bad.  I am finally able to begin to look back and bring life to those memories.  I believe this is all part of the healing process and hopefully someday I can permanently bridge the gap between my pre-divorce and after life.  Until then, I'll liken the process to my rides back in Colorado, and I'll remember the joy of the experience instead of the dips in the road.