Pandora Radio's Box.

My blogs come to me in funny ways sometimes.  Today it was while listening to Dave Matthews Band on Pandora Internet Radio.  My two favorite stations are DMB and Michael Buble'.  They tend to have a variety of songs that I just love and also tend to elicit all kinds of memories, sort of like opening Pandora's Box.

I am a music person.  This might be a cliche' phrase, but I truly live by the soundtrack of all kinds of music.  I run to it, bike, do laundry, work in the yard, paint benches, pack, move and unpack to music.  I started all of my little ones young, Savannah being the first, with all kinds of music.  For example I used to dance with her to DMB during the evening when she was fussy.  When I was pregnant with Saxton, I frequently listened to , Time to Say Goodbye, by Andrea Bocelli (which is probably one of my top five favorite songs of all time.)  After she was born, if she got fussy in the car, I would blast it and she'd quiet right down.  I remember once while we lived in Albuquerque, blaring it in grocery parking lot because she was fussing and I was trying to get Sage, Sam and Savannah in the van (at one point I had four in carseats) and the groceries loaded up.  People were driving by giving me strange looks, but I didn't care, music was saving my sanity.

I actually found Pandora while I was a student at Colorado State. I would put on classical and listen to it on my library days (Mon, Wed, Friday I would spend the entire day studying/researching while the kids were in school.)  I swear I should give the station credit for my grades and degree, after how much the music helped me to relax, concentrate and block out all distractions.

One of my favorite things about it is that I never know what song is going to come next.  It may be a Dave song from a decade ago, or something new that I haven't heard yet (often I hear songs on Pandora even before they hit the radio, sometimes months in advance.)  However, at times this experience can be bittersweet.  Songs are similar to photographs for me and often carry a memory with them.  They often transport me back to certain times in my life wether I want to go there or not.  I remember my counselor telling me once that memories and hurt from the past can be likened to bus stops on a regular route.  You may choose not to get off, but eventually you will circle back around again and the same "stop" will be waiting for you.  I still haven't quite mastered dealing with this concept, i'll let you know when I do.

As I approach the anniversary of a series of pinnacle moments in my life, I am back to many of those stops on a particularly painful route.   This morning a song stopped me dead in my tracks (I was working, typing orders on my computer).  It reminded me that I need to get off and confront some demons that I have been avoiding.  You might think that I see certain music as a negative for reminding me of such things.  Instead, I view it as a positive example that no matter what painful things you might have dealt with in the past, you are always offered a second chance to make the next memory beautiful.  Ironically, as I finish typing this, Dave Matthews' "Baby" is playing and it think his lyrics are strangely appropriate to end this blog...

Nothing is here to stay

Everything has to begin and end

A ship in a bottle won't sail

All we can do is dream that the

wind will blow us 

across the water

A ship in a bottle set sail

8.01 miles for Childhood Cancer.

Children are a blessing and a spirit that lights up a household.  I remember one night when Max was literally bouncing off things, he was pile driving his dad and I, jumping on the couch, wanting to play catch with the football and kick the soccer ball. "Past the defense," he said and "into the net." He was full of vim and vigor as my grandma would say.

Then he went with his dad to pick up his brother and the house went quiet. No more giggles and gumption. I was sad. The time he was gone was a quiet I didn't like. I was truly greatful for his return and his exuberant hug and "hi mommy!"  Not having him and his siblings in my life is unimaginable and this memory brings me to a cause that has become deeply imbedded in my heart, the fight against childhood cancer.

Back in February,  I joined a Facebook group that are participating in a virtual Run to the White House.  The purpose of this, is to bring awareness to the epidemic of childhood cancer and hopefully turn the White House yellow for September in honor of childhood cancer awareness month. Maybe, if we're lucky, we can get some football players to wear yellow shoes and gloves!

Each day on the Run for the White House for Childhood Cancer Facebook page there are children who are struggling with treatment and parents who are dealing with a sick baby or possibly the tragic loss of a beautiful child.  As a parent, the idea of any of my little ones being sick, is my worse nightmare.   Even though I have read posts and blogs from parents who been affected my childhood cancer, I can hardly imagine what they are all going through.

While I, like many, have always been concerned about and donated towards childhood cancer, my passion really jumpstarted last fall when my husband turned me onto Taylor Swift's song Ronan, about the loss of a little boy to cancer.  Since then, I have been following Ronan's Mom's Blog, Rockstar Ronan and following her struggles with dealing with the loss of her baby boy.  Ronan's story, as well as the many other little ones who I have come to know, have really opened my eyes concerning the epidemic of childhood cancer, as well as re-emphasized the fragility of life.  We truly don't know what is around the corner.

So today, in honor of all these little ones battling for there lives, I ran 8.01 miles.  Brian Jones, the head of Run for the Whitehouse, challenged us to run 7 on the 7th "for the average of 7 children who will not survive cancer today, April 7."  I haven't run this far since the 90's due to old track injuries and birthing five babies, so when my Map My Run link came on my iPhone and informed me I had reached 7 miles, I loudly whooped several times.  As silly as it may sound, I literally was telling myself out loud, "You got this!" More importantly, I was willing my support for all the little ones battling cancer to know that we are here, we are supporting them, loving them, praying for them, cheering for them from all over the country and telling them, "You Got This!"

Walking home from school for miles!

When I arrived back in my neighborhood, my eight year old son was waiting to finish my run with me.  He had ran a few blocks with me as I started and helped to support me as I looped around an extra cul-de-sac to reach my 8 miles.  My family knows of my quest and has been very supportive, even helping to add a few miles of their own.  My mom and a few of my friends have joined Brian's cause and now I am hoping that some of my beloved readers will join it too! It's free and is as simple as liking Run for the White House for Childhood Cancer  on Facebook.  Then you write a message and post how far you have Run (or walked, biked or even swam.)  Brian keeps track of all the miles.

Life is a blessing and children are our greatest gift, we owe it to them to support any obstacle they may encounter, big or small.  If you can't join us and even if you can, please consider making a donation to fight childhood cancer.  

 

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

A post regarding my biological father.

On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the God and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

John Mayer-Daughters

The hardest part of being at a wedding, or watching one on television is the father-daughter dance.  Every time my chest tightens and I bite my lip and struggle to fight back the tears, to no avail, they always come.  I wanted that.  I wanted to have the opportunity to dance in the arms of my father while listening to the lyrics of a song exemplifying a daddy's love for his little girl and to have those words mean something.  I imagine every daughter wants that.  

The prompt for this blog was a phone call I received a few days ago from my sister Kathleen.  She had gotten a letter in response to her Christmas Card, from our biological father.  I am not going to share the details, only that it was hurtful and ultimately a sign to not only her, but all of my siblings and I that he really had no intentions of having a relationship with us.  Not only that, but that he must really be in a negative space to feel the need to respond in such a condescending way.

What he doesn't realize is that there is nothing he can say to us that we haven't already thought of.  One thing we all learned very young, was how to break ourselves down.  We are all our toughest critic.  Knowing this, my response to the letter was that of a protective big sister.  Initially I was angry at the hurt he caused my beautiful, kind, sweet Kathleen, at the hurt he has caused all of my sisters, my brother, my mother and myself. Then that anger turned to sorrow, I felt sorry for him, for all of us.  What a loss in his life to not have a relationship with all five of his biological children, as well as our families.  

I told Kathleen that she should share the letter with my siblings.  Since he had cut off communication with all of us a little over three years ago, we had all attempted to contact him; a call on his birthday, a message to announce a wedding, the birth of a new baby and received no response.  Finally, after this letter, we had a tangible grasp at his mental state and could now give up hope that he had any intention of deciding to be in our lives.  In a way this letter was a blessing, the old adage:

"Waiting is worse than knowing. 

 Grief rends the heart cleanly; 

that it may begin to heal; 

waiting shreds the spirt."   

Morgan Llywelyn

The ironic thing is that we all wanted him to come around, all wished for a return phone call or a surprise visit.  My siblings and I are not perfect, but one characteristic that we all manifest, almost to fault at times, is our impressive ability to forgive and love.  I often imagined my father showing up on my doorstep and me inviting him in and introducing him to his youngest grandson, showing him how he walks just like his grandpa.  I even had a dream the other night that I looked up and there he was sitting on a bench.  At first we looked at each-other, like strangers, but tentatively we began to speak to one another.  I woke up as I was introducing him to his grandchildren.

My parent's are divorced and my mom has since re-married (they celebrated their thirteenth wedding anniversary this past August).  We all love him and have embraced him as our "dad."  However, I believe this is a hard concept for my biological father. But, what he doesn't realize, is that there is enough love for everyone.  I too am divorced and have remarried.  My Ex and I had three gorgeous daughters and a handsome son together.  Over the past few years my new husband and I have navigated our way through the uncharted territory of our roles as step-parents (he has a son from a previous relationship).  Ultimately, we emphasize the fact that they have the benefit of two sets of parents that love them and that there is always enough love to go around.  Both my husband and I have no desire to replace the biological parent in our children's lives, just to add more love and support.

http://picturesquotes.com/why-a-daughter-needs-a-dad/

One thing I have learned from growing up in a dysfunctional home and dealing with the emotional heartache of not having my dad there when I needed him, is the effect it had on me when making life choices.  I am not here to blame my father for my mistakes.  However, I do wonder sometimes where I would be if I wasn't always running away from the painful memories and events of my childhood and looking for love in all the wrong places?  I greatly take this into consideration when dealing with my own children, especially my oldest daughter who has begun to navigate the world of romantic relationships and love.  The most important thing I want her to know is that she is always loved.  No matter what happens, no matter what choices she makes or mistakes, she and all her siblings are always welcome to come home and I will be waiting with open arms.  My love is unconditional.  It is the one promise that I will never break.

There is a special relationship meant to be between a father and daughter.  He is meant to be her first love, to show her how she deserves to be treated.  I also believe that the relationship example set by parents, forever imprints on a child.  One of the main reasons that I am divorced, is that I wanted to break the cycle of disfunction.  I wanted to put an end to the unsuitable environment that my Ex and I were providing for our four children.  When I was young, I prayed for peace in my home.  I hated the fact that my friends were scared to come over and I had to walk on eggshells in order to survive.  This environment is unacceptable.  Children deserve better, a loving home is a parent's ultimate responsibility. 

As I finish this post I wonder if given the opportunity, would I forgive my father, would I allow him into my life again?  I am not sure.  I think for now I will concentrate on all the good in my life, all those that I love and love me back.  As I attempt to raise my own children I will try to learn from my parent's.  I know that I have made mistakes and will continue to do so, but I hope that as long as my children know that I love them, we can make it through anything.  I will do my best and most importantly, I will never give up on my babies, no matter what.  That is a pain that I have lived with in my own life, and it is one that pray my children will never have to feel.

I love you Savannah, Sam, Sage, Saxton, Brayden and Max to the moon and stars and back.