Jerry and I through my daughter's eyes...

"So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

John Mayer

Jerry giving Sage some one on one time.

On Sunday we were at Chamber's Bay down on the beach with the kids.  Sage had a sleepover the night before (Saturday) and was tired and emotional.  Jerry took it upon himself to take her aside and talk to her and calm her down.  Watching this, I fell in love with him all over again.  After all, I am not a single engaged woman, but one who has children who are a very important part of me.  For anyone who is engaged in a relationship with children, It is so important to find someone special who not only loves you, but them as well. 

This one is cute,
little Max always smiles
and loves it when we smooch.

After their talk, Sage came over to me and asked for my camera, she had been watching me take pictures and wanted to take some of her own.  I had the flash turned off because I was trying to catch the full sunset, so the pictures became blurry,  but you can see what she saw and decided to capture.

I realized as I later looked at these photos that our children are always watching us.  After all, we are their first teachers and they learn what they live and see.  I know that when my ex and I would fight we thought it was just us in the argument, but what I have realized after listening to the kids had to say, they were part of every fight.  They felt all the pain and sadness that we did. 

We all make mistakes, "to err is human" or so they say.  However the great tragedy is to not learn from those mistakes, to not try and do better, be better.

Over the last several months I have learned that I can't erase what my children saw during the rough times of my previous marriage and they will always be affected by it.

However, I have given them the gift of watching me deal with my heartache and try to grow from it.  You can't change the past, but we are all the captains of our future.  Both my ex and I are moving on and we not only have the ability, but also an obligation to exemplify what a healthy and positive relationship is. 

After looking at these pictures, I felt proud at what they represented.  I was happy that is how my daughter saw me.  As John Mayer said in the song I quoted, Mothers be good to your daughters too.  I do owe it to my daughters from this day forward to be a yardstick for what is expected in a relationship; love, respect, honesty, trust and friendship.  In two and a half weeks I will be getting re-married and I have a second chance to show my children that marriage can be beautiful.  I am going to view this as my gift to them and hope that I can be a beacon for when they are older and begin to chose someone special to spend the rest of their life with.   

I cheered so loud I peed my pants!

Sage, Saxton and Brayden all play soccer at the YMCA.  Games are on Saturdays and practice for the girls is on Wednesday night and Thursday night for Brayden.  Simple enough.  However I am such an emotional wreck during the games.  Brayden plays inside in the gym and there are a ton of people in a tight space watching, so I am pretty quiet and resort to clapping and an occasional "good job" or "nice pass" at a reasonable level.  Mr. Brayden is really good, he has been playing for several seasons now and scoring goals for him is second nature. 

However the girls are new to the sport.  This is Only Sage's second season indoors and Saxton's first (both played one season of outdoor soccer in the spring.)  They are going against other third and fourth graders many like Brayden who have been playing since pre-kindergarten.  But they haven't given up or allowed this advantage to deter them.  Each week they get better and learn something new.  And when Sage scored her first goal on October 22nd, I think they could hear me inside the YMCA.  (The girls play outside in the sports complex on the full field and voices are very much amplified, including mine.) 

Jerry and the littlest
cheerleader, Max!

In fact, I laughed at myself a few games ago while cheering for the girls, I was my mother's daughter and was probably going to blow out my vocal chords too by the time they graduated from high-school.  Proudly I am a positive cheer leader and I don't get down on them for anything... even a missed goal.  Their confidence is fragile enough and they need all the encouragement they can get.  For example I cheer for anything, even a protected ball that Saxton, as a defender successfully kicks up to a forward.  Jerry and I remind the girls that a blocked goal is just important as one that is scored.

Yesterday, Sage and Saxton were both playing forwards with another little girl.  They play 20 minute halves and there was only six minutes or so left in the first half.  The three of them had been working for fourteen minutes now trying for a goal.  Several times they got so close and I was a basket case because I knew how bad they wanted it.  Both Sage and the other forward continued to try and set Saxton up for her first goal, but she was up against a very good goalie and it wasn't happening.  But, then it did, sort of. Sage passed the ball to Saxton, but she didn't have the shot so she passed it to Sage on our left and Sage scored!  I was so excited and cheered so loud I piddled in my pants.  I cheered for Sage, but I cheered just as loud if not louder for Saxton and her assist, it was beautiful. 

The girls all came out then and a sad Saxton came off the field.  She hadn't scored the goal, Sage had.  Jerry and I went to her and explained how proud we were of her and emphasised the point that if she hadn't given Sage such a perfect pass she wouldn't have scored, the point was it was her goal too!  She thought about that and after some more encouragement from other parents, her coach and other teammate she smiled a proud smile.  I think Jerry said it best, he reminded her that it was a team, each goal was a team effort and she had helped her team make that goal.

They won their game and I smiled all the way to the car.  I was so proud of my girls, not just because they scored a goal, but they learned a valuable lesson on not giving up and that we can't do it alone.  We all need help achieving our goals and it isn't just important to score, but to support those who do. 

Sage running through our parent tunnel!

You are my sunshine

Every night before the girls go to bed we sing songs, I have been doing this since Savannah was a baby.  It is one of the sweet memories I have with my dad, singing Irish tunes before bed.  We sing Danny Boy and several others, but there is one I don't hardly ever sing, "You are my Sunshine", that is because it's Savannah's song.  But the other night we were talking about her before bed as we often do and included them in our prayers.  The girls asked how long I had been singing and I said since Savannah was first born and that "You are my Sunshine" is her song. 

As I sang it for them I remembered how when she was tiny I would rock her and sing. As she got older and I attempted to get her to sleep all night in her own bed, I would go into her room in the middle of the night when she cried and with my head leaning on her crib, I would fight falling asleep, my hand through the rails on her little back, singing her to her dreams.  One of the songs I would sing would be You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine.... even singing it in my mind causes tears to well up in my eyes.  I miss her and Sam so much. 

Yesterday Max climbed up on the kitchen table.  The day before he had mastered the kitchen chair and so yesterday he made it to the summit.  I laughed and groaned at the same time.  My mind flashed back to little Savannah, also just a small one year old and her grin as she mastered the same skill.  I almost called Savannah to tell her until I remembered she was in school, I wanted to share with her the skill her baby brother had inherited... one that keeps a mom on her toes.

Early this morning, just after one, Max woke up and no matter what we did he wouldn't fall back to sleep.  He wasn't feeling well and even allowing him to lay on me and give me snotty nuzzles couldn't get him asleep.  Finally just after four am I put him in his crib and sang to him, just like I did for his older sisters and brother.  It took me laying on the bed in his room, talking to him until he finally relented to sleep.  I fell asleep thinking of all my babies.

My children are my sunshine, the fact that I can't always be with them all is my rain, my clouds.  It is funny, even though Savannah and Sam are older now, when they are here they still let me sing them to sleep.  They don't tease me about my voice, or say they are too old, they just let me rub their heads and do what I long to do every night, tuck all my babies in, sing to them and kiss them good-night.

Savannah and Sam, when you are not here and you are laying in bed in the still of the night, listen real hard because I am still singing to you and telling you sweet dreams.  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back.

free paperclips and five minute friends.

Jerry and I were at some governmental building (I can't remember the name) applying for our marriage license today and we met a very unique man.  I am not sure why he was there, but somehow we all got to talking... yes I engaged in a conversation with a stranger, I confess.  Anyway he was so funny, he overheard Jerry and I joking that we couldn't follow directions and we had to do our forms over several times.  He jumped in, apologizing for eavesdropping, I eavesdrop too so I didn't mind, and gave Jerry a forewarning about marriage.  He said that it was trouble, that many marriages end in divorce, and that possibly I had already been married several times.  Well once before, but not several. 

Somehow he went on to talk about the Raccoons he feeds and those he fed this morning, something about how they know he is good and don't bite him.  Then he finished saying that he was excited to be stopping by Mc Donald's later, not to eat, but to pick up their pickle buckets that he finds in their trash.  Come to find out, they are perfect to plant things in and free!  But he was most excited about the paperclip tray on the counter, and that they were free!  He grabbed several like they were candy.

This got me to thinking.  How many of us are grabbing free paperclips, feeding raccoons and sorting through trash for pickle buckets at Mc Donald's?  No one I know.  Jerry and I decided after we saw him again in the parking lot and he smiled and waved that he probably lived alone and possibly was lonely.  He admitted to us that he wasn't married.  In fact, that is how that's how our conversation began, him asking us if he needed to have someone specific in mind to fill out a marriage form.  Then he wondered out loud where he might find someone to marry.  I offered to help him... and that is where our five minute friendship began. 

I commented to Jerry later on that I wished I told him we would never forget him, that he would always be a part of our special day.  He made me smile and literally appreciate the small things, like paperclips.  His personality and warmth was contagious and made me smile and it made the process of filling out forms memorable. 

If I can pass on one thing to my children it would be the trait of talking to strangers, not yet maybe, but later on when they are old enough.  I want them to open their mouths and then open their ears and listen to what someone else has to say.  Learn what is important to them and learn the important lesson of where to find things like good ol' free pickle buckets. 

Mean

"Mean" by Taylor Swift

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/mean-lyrics.html |]
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?


Have you heard this song?  If not, go find it and listen.  It's funny, I have to be honest that I was not always the biggest Taylor Swift fan.  But this song changed my ways.  Lately I have had such a case of writers block, not because I don't have anything to say, but because I have to much.  In fact I could just go crazy writing all the thoughts in my head and be at it for days.

Right now I am dealing with an amazing battle in my life between good and evil.  Please pray for me and pray that I can continue to have the courage to fight for what is right. 

Anxiety and miracles.

I am headed to my counselor this morning in hopes that she can further assist me in my hopes for a miracle.  A little over two weeks ago I found out something really upsetting from the girls on the way home from the fair.  The craziest part of it was how they told us, they just sort of blurted it out of no where.  It caught Jerry and I totally off guard and initially we didn't know what to say.  I can't share what they said because I think more harm than good would come of it.  But I am typing this right now in hopes to settle my anxiousness. 

The last two weeks have been spent on the phone trying to seek counsel on how to deal with the situation and what I have realized is that something that seems  like it should be so important to handle, becomes so complicated.  It has to do with all four children, but as two are with me and two are with my ex matters are more complicated. 

When you have children you truly do set your heart in their little bodies... and right now my heart is aching and very anxious.  I feel helpless and frustrated and I am praying like crazy.  It is quite ironic that two years ago I was feeling something quite similar however the subject is quite different, the problem is the same.

I know that none of this quite makes sense, but I pray and pray that one day it will.  I remember going to church every single morning and praying furiously to God that he help me choose the right path and show me the way.  I believe that he brought me here and I surrendered my fate to God then and I am begging for his assistance now.  The crazy thing is that I happened across the prayer card that I used two years ago and I have begun to use again.

I am grateful to have an army of friends and family who are caring enough and willing to do what they can to help, but figuring out how to untie our hands is the tricky part.  Jerry has been amazing.  There is a song and the lyrics go..."your more than a lover... you're my best friend" this is truly the case with us.  He had been my rock over the last few years and very much so the last few weeks.  He listens with an open heart and doesn't pressure me, he is just there.  Last night I had multiple nightmares and I woke up grateful that he was there, grateful and thankful. 

My stomach is in knots and my heart is a mess.  I wish I could call up and fix this.  Have a conversation, one conversation and make it all better.  I am praying for a miracle, an open heart a confession and a pledge to get better... be better.  It is possible.  I believe because I believe in miracles that anything is possible and I pray in the name of my babies that this miracle takes place.  Please God.

Do the Puyallup

The Puyallup Fair continually ranks in the top ten largest fairs in the world and we are lucky because it is just minutes from our house.  Jerry and I took the girls and Max on the 12th of September because it was half price rides and games night... for those of you who don't know me, I am always looking for a bargain. We didn't have set plans, just sort of decided to go... we knew that Brayden was going the next day with his mom and the weather looked like it was going to turn so we decided to head out on a very beautiful night.  Sometimes I think the best times are those that just sort of happen. The bargains continued as we were able to park close and for free at Jerrry's friends house, bonus, and visit his horse.  We arrived and were instantly treated to a very cool show with these two clowns.  Jerry got a big surprise and the smiles began to settle permantly on our faces.

I love this picture!  Jerry had no idea that the lady clown snuck up and put her hand on his shoulder.  He thought at first it was me.  The girls saw her too and just thought it was hilarious how she surprised him. 

Our feet were super tired after walking for several hours so we took a break and had feet massages.  Ahhhhh

The night turned out to be magical.  The sun set and revealed all the lights of the fair and we walked around looking for goodies to eat.  Sage is not a huge fan of rides so we played a lot of games and really had fun doing so.  We even found some that we could win!  When the girls rode the rides I found myself smiling and having just as much fun watching as they had riding.  At one point I told Jerry that I don't think I quit smiling the whole night.  I felt like I was in a movie experience walking around at an old fashion fair.  While we didn't ride the Ferris wheel, too tall for my Sage, it was a very cool backdrop to the night sky.

One of my favorite things that I have been introduced to at the fair are Fisher Scones!  Yummy!  They are so good!  It is funny to watch the long lines grow at the end of the night with people waiting for their scones... there are several different locations to buy them and all have lines.  It is like people are drones called to buy their scones!

In this picture I had just bought our scones and was enjoying my own feet massage.  Max thought this was very funny... Saxton was already busting a move on a scone!
Life is complicated, happy and at times heartbreaking.  You never know what is around the next corner... little did Jerry and I know what Sage and Saxton would talk to us about out of the blue on the way home from the fair that night... but for a little over four hours we were all blissful in the joy of the fair and the night.  There were no worries or stresses weighing down.  Just contentedness. 

Camping!

We went camping twice.  On August 27th we went to a place not too far away, Alder Lake, it is located on the way to Mt. Rainer.  Jerry and I found the campground when we drove up with Max and Brayden to see the mountain.  It is near a lake and we had a fine site... minus the path to the restroom that went through it.  For our first time it went really well.  We headed up after Jerry got off work, set up our tent, made dinner over an open fire, hot-dogs, chicken dogs and ribs, yummy!, went for a walk, did s'mores and got the kids in bed.  Sage, Saxton and Brayden slept all night long!  Max woke up a few times, I nursed him and he went right back to sleep.  Oh and he peed through his jams, actually those new pull up huggies diapers didn't work so well, and I slept on pee the rest of the night, but it was totally fine... it was filtered pee... baby pee, not regular pee.  In the morning we made a big breakfast, packed up and went to the lake to go swimming.  It was a lot of fun.  The kids were super excited that we finally were able to camp and they were ready to go again!  So we did.

The second time, September 10th, we went with Jerry's brother, sister in law and nephew to Orcas Island in northern Washington.  We had to get up and out of the house by 6:15 am in order to meet up and head north and we just made it in line in time to make the earlier ferry.  The ride to the island was beautiful!  It was an hour of gorgeousness!  After we arrived we drove to Moran State park and checked in to our site.  It was a great site, on a little outlet right on a lake (our other site we had a little walk to the lake.)  We set up our tents and ate lunch.  The weather was just beautiful and I think our only complaint were the bees.  After eating we headed to go explore the island.  First we went up to the top of Mt. Constitution and climbed the tower where you can see forever, even to the Canadian Mountains.  Then we drove to a little beach where you had about a .6 mile hike to the water.  The beach was so clean and crystal clear.  It was very cool and full of cool pebbles and rocks.  One of which met my head.  Jerry and the kids were skipping rocks and I bent down at the perfect time and took a rock just above my temple.  I officially partook in a hard core bell ringing.  Poor Jerry and poor Sage.  He felt super bad and she freaked out when my head started to bleed.  Thankfully Jerry's brother, Dave had a first aid kit and cleaned and bandaged me up.  I had a nice ol' headache and Jerry held my hand the whole hike back up to the car because I was dizzy, but after some Tylenol I was much better. 

The rest of the night we hung out at our site and made dinner while the kids played.  We had chili cheese dogs and chicken wings.  Yummy!  The moon was full and after we put the kids to bed we went to watch it dance across the water.   The weather was just perfect and Jerry, the kids and I all slept well.  Max only woke up briefly a few times and went right back to sleep.  When he woke up for good early in the am, I went for a short walk with him and puppy.  Then I went back to camp and all three of our kids were up so I proposed we walk around the lake and one by one they all agreed.  So we went on a 9-11 memorial walk.  It wasn't easy, 3.9 miles up and down the side of the mountain and hillside.  We took Puppy with us and other than her treeing a squirrel and scaring us to death once, she was great.  The kids were awesome!  They didn't complain once and little Max even took a long nap in the pouch.  We brought some waters, Z bars and I had some gummy lifesavers... little treats to keep us going.  We loved it.  It took awhile, but often times we felt like we were on a movie set or in a fairy land.  There were parts of the forest that were covered in a cool moss carpet, tree groves and a beautiful mirror image of the lake.  We only passed a few people, and sometimes just walked in silence enjoying the morning.  It was a piece of heaven.  It was one of those memories where I felt like a child again.  I was back in second grade exploring the woods behind my house in Indiana.  Only now it was with my own children, exploring a remote island in northern Washington.  Life is amazing and wonderful and always a gift when you have children to share it with.  I hope that some day my children will remember our adventures and choose to share them with their children.

After our walk we headed back to camp and had an amazing breakfast.  Jerry even made coffee.  It is funny how amazing coffee tastes when you are drinking it in a super random place.  We also had yummy breakfast burritos with egg, ham and cheese!  Then it was time to pack up and make a mad dash to wait for the ferry.  We thought for a second we missed the 2ish ferry and would have to wait until five-ish

I loved our camping adventure.  The weather and the company was wonderful.  The location was almost dreamlike and I felt very grateful to have the opportunity to experience something so beautiful right in my own backyard.  However, I always knew there was something missing, my  Savannah and Sam.  Its funny, sometimes when I am out somewhere and wishing they were there and missing them, I talk to them in my mind hoping they can feel me thinking about them across the miles.  That ache that I get when they are gone never goes away, it is always there until they come back...

Courage

There have been a lot of things going on and I will address those happy notes in another post.  This post is about my constant battle to do the right thing when often the right thing consists of facing a huge monster or an enormous mountain that seems impossible to climb.  What I realized today is that when I look behind me, look at what I have been through, I see that I have already summited several mountains already.  This realization gives me the courage to face the next Mountain I just arrived at. 

When I was in high-school my mom and I started going to Al anon together.  It is one of the first things I did for myself in order to attempt to deal with the emotional struggles I was going through.  We said a prayer at the beginning of each session, the serenity prayer...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Little did I know that the courage part would be the hardest.  The simple complexity of this poem still gets to me.  Most mornings I am accepting.  I am not changing.  I am simply dealing with what life throws at me on that particular day.  Some days are beautiful, happy and mask the acceptance.  Today is not one of those days.  Last night I became aware of a monster.  I am aware that today and tomorrow I will need courage to deal with that monster.  I can not just accept these facts,  I have no choice but the have the courage to change this situation.  No choice but to climb this Mountain and reach the summit.  Because this monster is not just hurting me anymore, but those dear to me.  And I will not tolerate it!

A hodge-podge of thoughts.

I am frustrated with myself for letting so many days go by without writing.  Today I have been adding little posts to try and catch up... and provide an online diary of sorts.  As I have said, it is my goal to somehow use words to capture and freeze a moment or moments in time so when I am older I can go back and re-visit my life as it was.  I think any parent with small children, or children in general understands how fast time goes.  Max went from attempting to walk not even a month ago to now solely tottle-ing around the house.  He looks like a little wind up doll with his arms flared out trying to hold his balance.  We all cringe and hold our breath each time he falls and hope he comes up smiling.  The few small bruises on his head re-mind us of the times he needed hugs and kisses to make the fall go away. 

The girls are home!  They arrived safe and sound late on Tuesday night the 23rd.  I didn't realize that I was holding my breath until shortly after we pulled away from the airport and I realized I was letting out a huge exhale.  It was a bittersweet happiness though because I felt like I was leaving something behind.  I caught myself looking behind Sage and Saxton expecting a miracle, expecting to see Savannah and Sam.  I miss them so much.  This past Friday Kendra (Jerry's sister-in-law) came to pick up Tyler, my future nephew.  He had spent the night Thursday, we took him to Wild Waves.  I like having him around... he is between Savannah and Sam in age and it makes me smile to have his energy.  Anyway, Kendra brought me some stuff we had left at the lake (Minnesota) and in the bag were Savannah's hair clips.  I could hardly make it into the house before I burst into tears.  Jerry and I were heading to the store with the kids and I held her little clip in my hand the whole way.  We thankfully caught her on the phone and I was able to hear her sweet voice.  Yesterday I could hear our neighbor Ty playing basketball.  I had to go inside because I knew that if Sam was here he would probably be down there playing... these little thoughts happen at least once a day and I have to swallow down my tears.

I was able to talk to Savannah and Sam today.  Sam sounded so cute describing his new shoes and talking in his little ten year old way.  He is so sweet and I love how simple life sounds through his eyes.  I know he is happy to be near his cousins and get to play with them.  They are all boys and his age.  This makes me happy, as does the kind things my ex's family says to the kids about me.  Sage and Saxton came home with kind messages from several of my ex's family.  I really appreciated that.  They were there in the final weeks of our relationship and I think they knew how hard things were.  I am thankful for any positive things they bring to my children.  I can't battle what comes out of my ex's mouth, but kids don't need to hear negativity, especially about their parents.  I remember learning in my divorce classes the simple lesson that your kids are half you and half of them and if you insult each other, you are insulting part of your child. 

It's stressful enough being away from them.  I constantly think and worry about them and the thing I miss the most is the simple act of hugging them, kissing them and having them physically near.  Jerry and I are getting married Thanksgiving weekend and I am hoping we can have a civilized conversation concerning the kids being here for it.  Savannah and Sam are both excited and I know they want to be here.  In fact Savannah wrote a beautiful not to Jerry for his birthday, I want to share it with you.  It shows what a wonderful daughter I have and a wonderful fiance:

     "Ha.  Your 40 Jerry!  Anyway Happy Birthday (:  I wanted to tell you that you are the best person for my mom... and I'm very happy you guys are engaged!  :D  I also wanted to say thank you for everything you  do for our family and my mom (:  you treat my mommy so well... and to me that makes me very happy (: cause she's my best friend and seeing her as happy as she is shows me that your the perfect guy (:  you are so kind to me and my brothers and my sisters!  I love that! (:  Thanks for everything Jerry and I'm overly excited for you and my mom to get married!  Happy Birthday (: Love Savy (:"

 It is horrible and painful to go through a divorce, for the adults, but also the children.  The most important thing is to not project your anger and hurt on the most beautiful things to come from that broken relationship, your children.  They thrive from positive energy and love, not negativity and hate.  My daughter wrote these beautiful words of love and they keep me going.  Just as we want nothing more than to see them happy, they need to see us happy as well.  It allows them a model to follow and learn from.  Am I perfect? NO!  Absolutely not. If I thought so, that would be a problem.  In fact the point of this blog is to file and examine my life.  What makes it good, what makes it bad.  One thing that makes it wonderful is my babies... and I only hope my path to them, my path through my ex can get better.

August third… a walk at Chambers

Brayden drinks... Puppy drinks!

August first 2011… a mini date

Max and I headed to Chambers to walk with puppy and enjoy our beautiful weather.  I love the “Rainy Washington” comments… yes it ALWAYS rains… so don’t move here!  Ha!  I love Chambers… it is my special place to go to think and unwind.  The ironic thing is I fell in love with it on a cold, misty day in November and love it no matter the weather.

Max watching puppy play in the water...

Jerry and I decided on a mini date to ride the water taxi, $3.50 across to seattle, grab some halibut and head back for a walk and ice cream at Alki beach.  It’s funny, but we almost missed our boat back from Seattle, but I guess my sharp sales skills prevailed and they reversed the boat for us…

Max and the gull...

Dad making Max laugh after our Alki beach walk...

We found our location… actually our location found us!

Jerry, Max and I took Puppy to the dog park at Chamber's Bay and for a little walk.  We wandered down to our favorite spot, this bridge that goes out over the railroad tracks and down to the beach.  I stood at the end of the bridge and had an epiphany!  This is where we are going to be wed!  I love this spot, on this particular evening we watched seals play about and the sun set.  Gorgeous and all for a $50 donation to the parks department.  It might be cold that day and even rain on us... but no worries, we'll still wind up married!

‎Tuesday, ‎August ‎16, ‎2011, ‏‎8:16:32 PM

Max says hello to the seals!