A hodge-podge of thoughts.

I am frustrated with myself for letting so many days go by without writing.  Today I have been adding little posts to try and catch up... and provide an online diary of sorts.  As I have said, it is my goal to somehow use words to capture and freeze a moment or moments in time so when I am older I can go back and re-visit my life as it was.  I think any parent with small children, or children in general understands how fast time goes.  Max went from attempting to walk not even a month ago to now solely tottle-ing around the house.  He looks like a little wind up doll with his arms flared out trying to hold his balance.  We all cringe and hold our breath each time he falls and hope he comes up smiling.  The few small bruises on his head re-mind us of the times he needed hugs and kisses to make the fall go away. 

The girls are home!  They arrived safe and sound late on Tuesday night the 23rd.  I didn't realize that I was holding my breath until shortly after we pulled away from the airport and I realized I was letting out a huge exhale.  It was a bittersweet happiness though because I felt like I was leaving something behind.  I caught myself looking behind Sage and Saxton expecting a miracle, expecting to see Savannah and Sam.  I miss them so much.  This past Friday Kendra (Jerry's sister-in-law) came to pick up Tyler, my future nephew.  He had spent the night Thursday, we took him to Wild Waves.  I like having him around... he is between Savannah and Sam in age and it makes me smile to have his energy.  Anyway, Kendra brought me some stuff we had left at the lake (Minnesota) and in the bag were Savannah's hair clips.  I could hardly make it into the house before I burst into tears.  Jerry and I were heading to the store with the kids and I held her little clip in my hand the whole way.  We thankfully caught her on the phone and I was able to hear her sweet voice.  Yesterday I could hear our neighbor Ty playing basketball.  I had to go inside because I knew that if Sam was here he would probably be down there playing... these little thoughts happen at least once a day and I have to swallow down my tears.

I was able to talk to Savannah and Sam today.  Sam sounded so cute describing his new shoes and talking in his little ten year old way.  He is so sweet and I love how simple life sounds through his eyes.  I know he is happy to be near his cousins and get to play with them.  They are all boys and his age.  This makes me happy, as does the kind things my ex's family says to the kids about me.  Sage and Saxton came home with kind messages from several of my ex's family.  I really appreciated that.  They were there in the final weeks of our relationship and I think they knew how hard things were.  I am thankful for any positive things they bring to my children.  I can't battle what comes out of my ex's mouth, but kids don't need to hear negativity, especially about their parents.  I remember learning in my divorce classes the simple lesson that your kids are half you and half of them and if you insult each other, you are insulting part of your child. 

It's stressful enough being away from them.  I constantly think and worry about them and the thing I miss the most is the simple act of hugging them, kissing them and having them physically near.  Jerry and I are getting married Thanksgiving weekend and I am hoping we can have a civilized conversation concerning the kids being here for it.  Savannah and Sam are both excited and I know they want to be here.  In fact Savannah wrote a beautiful not to Jerry for his birthday, I want to share it with you.  It shows what a wonderful daughter I have and a wonderful fiance:

     "Ha.  Your 40 Jerry!  Anyway Happy Birthday (:  I wanted to tell you that you are the best person for my mom... and I'm very happy you guys are engaged!  :D  I also wanted to say thank you for everything you  do for our family and my mom (:  you treat my mommy so well... and to me that makes me very happy (: cause she's my best friend and seeing her as happy as she is shows me that your the perfect guy (:  you are so kind to me and my brothers and my sisters!  I love that! (:  Thanks for everything Jerry and I'm overly excited for you and my mom to get married!  Happy Birthday (: Love Savy (:"

 It is horrible and painful to go through a divorce, for the adults, but also the children.  The most important thing is to not project your anger and hurt on the most beautiful things to come from that broken relationship, your children.  They thrive from positive energy and love, not negativity and hate.  My daughter wrote these beautiful words of love and they keep me going.  Just as we want nothing more than to see them happy, they need to see us happy as well.  It allows them a model to follow and learn from.  Am I perfect? NO!  Absolutely not. If I thought so, that would be a problem.  In fact the point of this blog is to file and examine my life.  What makes it good, what makes it bad.  One thing that makes it wonderful is my babies... and I only hope my path to them, my path through my ex can get better.