Poise and Prayer

I have an angel book that I read out of sometimes to Sage and Saxton.  Tonight's subject was poise.  Not the type that a beauty queen has but that I struggle with.  When you are under a constant barrage of negative comments, you begin to believe them.  Sometimes you would find yourself screaming in your mind, "That's not true, those awful things you are saying, they're not true!"  Sometimes you are screaming for real, out loud, trying to convince this person that the garbage they are spewing is not true!  You are broken. 

Now that I am in a safe environment, I have learned poise.  Through my family, my friends, my boyfriend and my councilor I have learned an inner peace when dealing with the hurtful things that are thrown at me.  Instead of anger, resentment and the need to defend.  I let it go.  "Just because they say it doesn't make it true."  I am reminded of this often.  The screaming inside has dwindled to a whisper.  I listen to the whisper and peacefully reason with it, make peace with it, ignore it.  Smile and hug my family.  After all their opinion is what matters.  Those that I know love and respect me, they are what matters. 

Prayer.  Just before we split up, my ex and I went to a marriage encounter weekend.  That was August.  September, my birthday, that is when it all came crashing down.  When I was faced with choices, I made them and never looked back.  One thing I learned during that weekend was the power of prayer, of listening to that inner voice.  It ended up being an encounter with myself.  I took what I learned and used it in the the months ahead.  When I was faced with tough choices, I made them, trusted my decision, found peace.  I prayed!  Like Crazy!  When I dropped the kids off, I went and prayed in church.  When I hiked, biked, rollerbladed, walked, put my kids to bed I prayed.  When I moved here and found out I was pregnant, I prayed.  My grandpa passed away in January 2009 and just as I was leaving to come home my cousin gave me one of my grandpa's Rosarys.  I slept with the Rosary under my pillow.  When my belly grew and his Rosary fell behind the bed, Jerry would retrieve it.  He built a little barrier with stuffed animals to keep it from falling behind the headboard.  He understood.  Prayer brought me Poise.  Peace.  When I was un-expectantly hospitalised before Max was born, Jerry packed my bag and Rosary.  When Max went to the NICU, the Rosary went with him, grandpa went with him.  Prayer brings miracles.