Midnight Momma

My baby is nine months today.  I can't believe how fast it has gone.  When you are young the days creep, but as you get older the months and then the years fly by.  You learn to savor moments even more as you get older.  You slow down more, allow moments to give you goose bumps, even if their small, in the middle of the day and happen during a typical day.  It is so sweet to see how all of the kids are so excited to see him each day.  Every little smile, giggle and pout are adorable or "so tute" as Sage says. This morning Saxton and Sage came in to see Max like they normally do in the morning.  I have been under the weather and Max and I were still laying in bed.  The girls crawled in bed with us and were making Max laugh with some stuffed animals.  Then we realised he was all wet so we stripped him down and put him in the bath.  Something so simple as a bath was made into a laugh, smile and giggle fest.  The girls got such a kick out of Max.  I think Sage called him "tute" a hundred times. She also remembered he was nine months old today and made a big deal about that. Saxton helped wash his hair and laughed at the funny faces he made.  They helped me lotion him and get him dressed and we took a couple pictures.  After all, today was special, Max was nine months old.

I have my own special moments with Max.  One of them is when I sit down to nurse him.  Or if it is in the middle of the night, it is more like lay down.  I know that the goal is to get Max to sleep through the night, but the truth is, I am kinda glad he doesn't.  I love to gather him up, smell and kiss his sweet little head, snuggle with him and nuzzle him as he snuggles back and breastfeeds (one of his favorite things to do is roll a piece of my skin between two of his fingers...funny but cute).  Sometimes I put him back in his bed, but sometimes I wake up an hour or two later and he is peacefully sleeping up against my chest.  I may be tired in the morning, in fact I may be tired all day, but I still love my Midnight wake up call. 

I still remember the first night we put Max in his own bedroom to sleep.  It was Thursday March 3rd.  Jerry has Thursdays off so we went to Babies R Us and bought a monitor.  We were all pumped up to have Max sleep in his big boy crib, that had been assembled and waiting since July.  I was fine all day, ready for this new stage in his life.  But then came bedtime,  I checked on him and got in bed.  I looked over at his empty crib next to my bed and cried.  I felt so sad without him.  He is with me all the time, day and night.  Jerry just hugged me and said it was okay... it was like he was in the room with us with the monitor on.  I think he even got up and went in Max's room to whisper in the monitor, "I love you momma, I am okay," so I could be assured, again, that it was on, working and loud enough for me to hear.  He slept until after two in the morning the night, and when he woke up I jumped out of bed, scooped him up and brought him in bed with me.  One thing I haven't been able to do yet, is put him back in his big crib after his middle of the night feeding.  At that point he's in bed with me or in his pack-n-play in our room.  I sleep better with him near me.  He has slept through the night twice and on both of those mornings I wake up in a panic and full of milk :)  As I said, I'm not ready to give up my job as a midnight momma. 

One thing that I tend to do in the middle of the night when all is quiet and I have time to think, is remember the past and when my other kids were babies.  I loved this time with all of them.  I slept with all the kids as newborns.  I remember I tried with Savannah to put her back in bed right after she was done nursing, but she would just wake up and after a few days of this I was at my wits end.  I called the nurse, Savannah was only a week or so, but already I was overwhelmed with exhaustion.  She gave me instructions on how to nurse her while I was laying down, and told me to try that, and best case scenario, we both get some sleep.  God bless that woman.  From that point forward, we both slept like babies. 

Being a momma is many things, but mostly it's wonderful.  You are blessed with these beautiful little creatures that love and trust you unconditionally.  This last year and a half has been so bittersweet for me.  Two of my babies are not with me most of the time.  I think about them and miss them everyday.  My soul knows that despite the choice that I have made, while we are not always together, we are always in each other's hearts.  They no longer have to deal with the painful drama that they lived with.  As parents we owe our children the best mother and father we can be for them.  Each day I become a better mother.  My children deserve that.