A post regarding my biological father.

On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the God and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

John Mayer-Daughters

The hardest part of being at a wedding, or watching one on television is the father-daughter dance.  Every time my chest tightens and I bite my lip and struggle to fight back the tears, to no avail, they always come.  I wanted that.  I wanted to have the opportunity to dance in the arms of my father while listening to the lyrics of a song exemplifying a daddy's love for his little girl and to have those words mean something.  I imagine every daughter wants that.  

The prompt for this blog was a phone call I received a few days ago from my sister Kathleen.  She had gotten a letter in response to her Christmas Card, from our biological father.  I am not going to share the details, only that it was hurtful and ultimately a sign to not only her, but all of my siblings and I that he really had no intentions of having a relationship with us.  Not only that, but that he must really be in a negative space to feel the need to respond in such a condescending way.

What he doesn't realize is that there is nothing he can say to us that we haven't already thought of.  One thing we all learned very young, was how to break ourselves down.  We are all our toughest critic.  Knowing this, my response to the letter was that of a protective big sister.  Initially I was angry at the hurt he caused my beautiful, kind, sweet Kathleen, at the hurt he has caused all of my sisters, my brother, my mother and myself. Then that anger turned to sorrow, I felt sorry for him, for all of us.  What a loss in his life to not have a relationship with all five of his biological children, as well as our families.  

I told Kathleen that she should share the letter with my siblings.  Since he had cut off communication with all of us a little over three years ago, we had all attempted to contact him; a call on his birthday, a message to announce a wedding, the birth of a new baby and received no response.  Finally, after this letter, we had a tangible grasp at his mental state and could now give up hope that he had any intention of deciding to be in our lives.  In a way this letter was a blessing, the old adage:

"Waiting is worse than knowing. 

 Grief rends the heart cleanly; 

that it may begin to heal; 

waiting shreds the spirt."   

Morgan Llywelyn

The ironic thing is that we all wanted him to come around, all wished for a return phone call or a surprise visit.  My siblings and I are not perfect, but one characteristic that we all manifest, almost to fault at times, is our impressive ability to forgive and love.  I often imagined my father showing up on my doorstep and me inviting him in and introducing him to his youngest grandson, showing him how he walks just like his grandpa.  I even had a dream the other night that I looked up and there he was sitting on a bench.  At first we looked at each-other, like strangers, but tentatively we began to speak to one another.  I woke up as I was introducing him to his grandchildren.

My parent's are divorced and my mom has since re-married (they celebrated their thirteenth wedding anniversary this past August).  We all love him and have embraced him as our "dad."  However, I believe this is a hard concept for my biological father. But, what he doesn't realize, is that there is enough love for everyone.  I too am divorced and have remarried.  My Ex and I had three gorgeous daughters and a handsome son together.  Over the past few years my new husband and I have navigated our way through the uncharted territory of our roles as step-parents (he has a son from a previous relationship).  Ultimately, we emphasize the fact that they have the benefit of two sets of parents that love them and that there is always enough love to go around.  Both my husband and I have no desire to replace the biological parent in our children's lives, just to add more love and support.

http://picturesquotes.com/why-a-daughter-needs-a-dad/

One thing I have learned from growing up in a dysfunctional home and dealing with the emotional heartache of not having my dad there when I needed him, is the effect it had on me when making life choices.  I am not here to blame my father for my mistakes.  However, I do wonder sometimes where I would be if I wasn't always running away from the painful memories and events of my childhood and looking for love in all the wrong places?  I greatly take this into consideration when dealing with my own children, especially my oldest daughter who has begun to navigate the world of romantic relationships and love.  The most important thing I want her to know is that she is always loved.  No matter what happens, no matter what choices she makes or mistakes, she and all her siblings are always welcome to come home and I will be waiting with open arms.  My love is unconditional.  It is the one promise that I will never break.

There is a special relationship meant to be between a father and daughter.  He is meant to be her first love, to show her how she deserves to be treated.  I also believe that the relationship example set by parents, forever imprints on a child.  One of the main reasons that I am divorced, is that I wanted to break the cycle of disfunction.  I wanted to put an end to the unsuitable environment that my Ex and I were providing for our four children.  When I was young, I prayed for peace in my home.  I hated the fact that my friends were scared to come over and I had to walk on eggshells in order to survive.  This environment is unacceptable.  Children deserve better, a loving home is a parent's ultimate responsibility. 

As I finish this post I wonder if given the opportunity, would I forgive my father, would I allow him into my life again?  I am not sure.  I think for now I will concentrate on all the good in my life, all those that I love and love me back.  As I attempt to raise my own children I will try to learn from my parent's.  I know that I have made mistakes and will continue to do so, but I hope that as long as my children know that I love them, we can make it through anything.  I will do my best and most importantly, I will never give up on my babies, no matter what.  That is a pain that I have lived with in my own life, and it is one that pray my children will never have to feel.

I love you Savannah, Sam, Sage, Saxton, Brayden and Max to the moon and stars and back.