My life, my home, my song.

Brother and Sister

When my brother and I were in high school, my favorite time of the day was our drive to school in the morning.  We would listen to music and sing and just let go of any sadness in our life.  There is an awesome movie that always hits a raw spot in my heart, "Prince of Tides."  In the movie there is a scene where the kids are tired of dealing with their dysfunctional home and they run, holding hands and jump in the water.  They stay under for a few moments, in the quiet peace that they find there and hold hands.  Our drive together to school, our music had this effect on my brother and I.  We would listen to Enya, put our hands out of the window and synchronize moves to "Sail Away."  If I was upset, he might play "Don't Worry, Be Happy," by Bob Marley or "Night Swimming," by REM.  I remember being so sad at times that the tears would silently fall down my cheeks, he never made fun, just made sure to pick the right song, carefully selecting lyrics that might help heal my heart.  I am lucky, my brother is my best friend and loves me with the whole of his heart. 

Last night I was watching American Idol and Phillip Phillips, one the last two contestants remaining sang a song by the name of "Home."  The lyrics grabbed me immediately, I was already a huge fan of Phillip, but he secured me with this song.  I sat listening, and became teary eyed, feeling as if he was singing directly to me.  Last night and today I thought about why the song spoke to me so much.  I realized that I have been on life long search for my "Home." 

I believe that when you grow up in a dysfunctional house, that you never truly are allowed that feeling that you are "home."  Often the house where you sleep, eat your meals becomes a sort of prison instead of a safe place to retreat.  By the time I entered high school, things had gotten much worse in my house and my friends houses became my "homes."  I will be forever grateful for my friends and their parents and the love that they showed me during those rough years.

This search continued as I left one dysfunctional life and entered another.  There were times with my ex when I had the similar feelings that where I lived felt like a prison.  This is horrible to say, especially because during this time I had four babies, but it is the truth.  Especially at the end I felt like the walls of our house were closing in on me.  It felt that there was no place to hide, no quiet space of safety to go in order to feel at home.

This all changed when I first came here to visit.  One thing I noticed, was that I could finally sleep and I could finally feel at peace.  I remember shortly after the girls and I moved here,  looking around our apartment and just feeling so relaxed, as if I could finally exhale.  I felt different, as if some of the weight had been finally lifted from my shoulders.   

Moving here was probably one of the scariest things I have ever done.  Packing up and driving 27 hours in temperatures that reached 30 below and pulling my belongings while tackling snow covered, mountain highways was unbelievable at times.  But I wasn't alone.  My friend Cara and Sage and Saxton were with me.  I remember the girls just being wonderful, it was a crazy drive and they were such troopers.  But my saving grace was Cara.  I drove the whole way with her as my co-pilot and God bless her, she didn't sleep a wink.  We talked and laughed the entire time.  Cara was amazing and I will forever be indebted to her for taking such a journey with me.  When I truly was at my darkest hour, she was there.  I love you Cara! 

Now looking back over the last few years that I have lived here I realize that while I am closer, I am still not completely home.  I believe that much of this has to do with the fact that two of my babies are hundreds of miles away.  When they are here with me I feel complete.  I love the feeling the first night they get here when I feel myself relax, then I sleep so sound knowing that all my babies are under the same roof.  That is a feeling of home for me.  Jerry understands this and joins in my count down for their arrival.

My day to day life is now home for me.  I have these little people that count on me to take them to soccer games and cheer my lungs out, make sure their clothes are clean, food is on the table and homework is done.  Home is watching TV with Jerry at the end of the day after we've tucked the littles in bed.  Home is our yard that we worked on together and rooms that we painted to make the girls feel like they had a space their own and to welcome Max.  Home is being married to someone who respects me, supports me, accepts me and above all is my best friend.   

Life is going to fast and I am ready to stop searching, but instead realize that home is where I am now, where I finally feel safe and loved.  Today at swimming Max was hilarious as he jumped into the pool and became completely submerged and would then pop up out of the water, turn around and want to do it all over again.  He is the youngest one in his little class and one of the gutsiest.  I have drawn analogies before to his letting go and trusting me and just enjoying the moment, just jumping in, but it's true and relevant to my own life.  He is at home in the water, he has been since I first introduced him to a pool at six weeks old.  This little person is teaching his ol' mom a thing or two... and I think the most important lesson that he is showing me over and over is to jump in, let go and trust!

And If I can do anything for my children, give them anything, it would be a place to call home.  I want  them to know that no matter what, no matter the circumstances or how old they are, they can always come home to me.  And I promise to always welcome them with open arms. 

New Mexico May 2009

Last night as I was listening to the lyrics of "Home", I reached for my phone to call my brother and then realized that it was after midnight in Indiana.  I know he has been on his own journey and maybe now he could use a song.  Here you go brother, this is for you, this is for me... maybe we can both finally find our home. 

"Hold on to me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road and although this wave is stringing us along, just know your're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna make this place your home.  Settle down, it'll all be clear.  Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear, trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always get found, just know you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna make this place your home."  Home   Phillip Phillips