"Danny Boy"

Today my sister-in-law Kendra and I were discussing the "positive" aspects of our fathers.  If you have read my blog in the past, you know that my relationship with him is full of sadness and heartache.  However, in order to come to peace with the negative, I believe you need to remember the positive.

One of my oldest and fondest memories of my father, is of him singing to me as a child.  I was little, maybe three or four and I remember him singing Irish lullabies to as at bedtime.  Sadly, this tradition ended not too long after that, but it is something that has stayed with me all these years and a tradition that started anew when Savannah was born.

Tonight after I had put Max to bed he started to cry.  This is unlike him, he normally giggles as we put him in bed as he welcomes his blankets and his bed.  However, he has been cutting new teeth and has been very uncomfortable.  Last night he was up for quite some time in the middle of the night.  So I went in his room, scooped him out of bed, sat down with him and began to sing "Oh Danny Boy." Immediately he settled on me and I could feel his whole body relax. 

As I gently rocked him back and forth, as I sang to him, I began to reminisce about similar memories with Savannah, Sam, Sage and Saxton.  I remember singing to them as newborns and rocking them sometimes sitting, sometimes standing. There were even times when I was encouraging them to sleep in their own bed, that I would sing leaning over their crib with my hand patting their back or between the crib bars until they fell asleep. In the wee hours of the night when it was all I could do to keep my eyes open, the songs seemed to flow out of me without effort and always with love.

One of the most emotional times that I sang was when Saxton was in the NICU on a ventilator.  Seeing her with a tube down her throat and tubes everywhere was one of the most heartbreaking moments in my life.  I remember she was crying, but because of the tubes there was no noise.  At that point I couldn't hold her, but I could sing to her.  I wondered if she would recognize the songs because I sang them to Savannah, Sam and Sage while I was pregnant, and I believe she did because as I began to sing, she immediately quit crying and calmed down. 

Years later, when my Ex and I were going through the end of our marriage and things were really hard on the kids, I continued to sing.  I would go in each of their rooms and sometimes bring lotion and rub their feet and sing to them.  They each had their favorite songs, Sam really liked "Danny Boy," the girls often requested "Edelweiss," from the Sound of music and "Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra."  (I still remember my dad giving me the words to this song when I was pregnant with Sam.  It was one of the songs along with "Danny Boy" that I remember him singing to me.)  Savannah's song has always been, "You are my Sunshine." 

I have happy memories and sad ones.  I remember singing as tears ran down my face and onto my baby's sweet head.  At times when my heart was sad, I would find as much comfort and peace in singing a lullaby to my children as they may have felt hearing it.  During happy times I would sing sometimes just to slow down life and take time to cherish my little ones.

Tonight as I was singing to Max, Saxton came out of her room in tears.   She couldn't fall asleep.  So I put a sleepy Max in his bed and headed into Sage and Saxton's room.  I took her hand and Sage's and began with the words, "Oh Danny Boy, the pipes the pipes are calling..." Soon Saxton's eyes began to close like her sister's and she was on her way to sleep. 

My dad and I don't talk anymore, he cut off communication with us almost three years ago.  This has been very hard,  but I realized today that he still holds a place in my life each time I sing an Irish lullaby.  I can't fix the wrong that I have done or the wrong that has been done to me, but I can try and take the gifts that I was given and pass them on to my own children. 

And now, just a few weeks away from getting to see my Savannah and Sam, one thing I look forward to the most is singing them to sleep.  In the meantime, I have been known to break out in song via technology, because no matter where they are, my little songs, filled with love, will find them.