Mother's Day, a bicycle, the beach and the struggle of a mom.

There are dishes in the sink and clothes piled up and ready to march out of the laundry room, but it's okay, it'll be there tomorrow, today is Mother's Day.  My day was wonderful, not perfect, but I am a realist and expecting perfection is setting yourself up for a let down. 

Savannah started my day off with a smile and a happy heart, she called before I was even out of bed and we were able to talk for awhile.  It is amazing how just the sound of her and Sam's voice can calm me and instantly make my heart happy.  I can imagine her smiling as she talks and I love how Sam's husky voice says, "hi mom, it's me Sam."  There are days like today that are close to perfect, the one thing that always makes them bittersweet is Savannah and Sam's physical absence, but as all mothers out there know, your children are always carried in your heart. 

Jerry had told me that it was my choice to do whatever I wanted, surprisingly this was difficult.  The idea of having a day where I could do whatever I wanted was almost overwhelming... what to do, what to do?  While I was in the shower, the place where I do some of my best thinking, I decided to go to Alki Beach and go bike riding. 

An hour and a half later, after loading bikes, helmets, Max's buggie and supplies, Jerry, Sage, Saxton, Max and I were on our way.  Our drive to Seattle was the reality part of the day, Max was cranky, battling falling asleep and the girls were cranky with one another.  Finally,  just as we were entering the city, Jerry and I reminded the girls what today was, Mother's Day.  I imagine that there are hundreds of moms out there telling their children the same thing I told mine, "It's Mother's Day, I don't want anything, just happy children and a nice day, that's all I ask."  God gave me two gifts today, gorgeous weather and two little girls who behaved like angels the rest of the day. 

We parked just off the exit of the West Seattle Bridge, got our bikes ready and were on our way.  The path to  and along Alki Beach is just breathtaking, taking you first along a panoramic view of Seattle and all the boats on the Sound and ending with a phenomenal view of the Olympic mountains and islands back dropping Puget Sound.  Today the weather was perfect and the slight breeze caused some waves, which entertained Max and provided a relaxing back ground noise.

Most of the day was spent on the beach hanging out, chasing Max and enjoying watching the littles play.  We spent some part at a rockier area and then moved later to a sandier part where the girls made a chair and buried themselves.  Max was funny and at one point made himself at home on a little boy's toy car.  He sort of snuck up on it and smiled as he took his spot behind the wheel. The boy's dad said it was fine and we laughed as for several minutes, he pretended to drive.

We ended the day with a Pizza and Salad picnic and a beautiful bike ride back to Jerry's Truck. 

Throughout the day, in honor of the holiday,  I contemplated motherhood.  It is true that babies don't come with an instruction manual and that the day I found out I was pregnant with Savannah and the day I took her home were two of the most terrifying days of my life.  I was no longer responsible for just me, I was now also responsible for someone else, this tiny little person. 

Today wasn't really about me, it rarely is when you are a mom, because the bottom line is, if your children aren't happy, you aren't happy.   Today was awesome, and a big part of that was my happy children.  Have I made selfish choices? absolutely.  I am not trying to claim that I am a perfect person, I am far from it and I am definitely not saying I am a perfect mother, but I do try and do the best that I can, with what I have.

I think the hardest part of my day to day life is dealing with the fact that two of my children are hundreds of miles away.  I can't kiss them good-night, hug them everyday or just handle the day to day with them.  The bottom line is, I wish I could.  I wish for that on every first star I see and I pray for that every night before I go to bed.  When I moved from Colorado I was at my very bottom.  I was broken and in a very bad place.  At that point I needed to difuse a very volitile situation and bring some sort of calm to the lives of my four children.  Before I left, I was sleeping on my neighbor's couch, I was not the strong mother my children needed me to be, not until I said no more and left my Ex.  I will prove and say with all the truth in my soul, I left my Ex and all the pain that had come crashing down, I did not leave my Savannah and Sam, they have a home here and I would take them full time in less than a heartbeat.

On that note, one conversation that Jerry and I had early on was concerning the fact that I had four children when we met.  One of the most endearing things about Jerry is the fact that together we have six children and he is fully supportive of my love for Savannah and Sam and all that dealing with them being away entails.  As a mother I needed to find someone who loved me, but also loved my children, all of them and I am blessed to have a man that does.

As I fumble through this amazing journey of motherhood, as I try my hardest to make good choices, one person who I am truly blessed to have, is my own mother.  As I grew up, I watched her struggle to deal with my father, his poor choices and his alcholism.  Often times we had to team up in order to get through each day.  Sometimes my mom, sometimes my friend, she has done her best to be there for me and when she couldn't, she admitted her mistakes with a humble heart.  No mother is perfect, but what I love and respect the most about my mom is that she loves with her whole heart, her whole soul.  She has stood by me and taught me that I am worthy of love, respect and happiness.  It's funny, she often says to me now that, "she has her daughter back."  She tells me that slow but sure while I was with my Ex I became lost and sometimes only a shadow of myself.  This comment rings true to me and over the last few years as I have struggled to fix my broken self, her positive guidance and love have helped me to get back to my true self. 

My mom knows me better than anyone and loves me unconditionally and her legasy is that I will swear everyday of my life to do the same for my children.  No matter what they do, what they say to me, what choices they make, I will love them.  To me they are perfect and beautiful and wonderfully made and I am blessed to be their mother.  Just as I have a place in my mother's heart, so too will they forever have a place in mine, no matter where they are, what they are doing, my love will find them. 

happy mothers day! I love you Savannah, Sam, Sage, Saxton, Brayden and Max!

And I sure do love you mom!  Thanks for being you and for all the love you have given to me!!!