Amazing Grace

Today is my baby's birthday.  My Savannah.  She is fourteen. 

I have been composing this blog in my head for days... sometimes while I am laying in bed, in the car and even during Zumba.  This blog is my opportunity to put my heart and my feelings out onto a page for her to read.  The fact that she is hundreds of miles away makes me want to write better, share my feelings in such a way that she can feel them all the way in Indiana.

When we were skyping this morning and she had to say good-bye I lost it, even now typing the tears flow.  I never imagined fourteen years ago that today I would be having her blow her birthday candle out via technology.  I hate it!  That's the truth. 

I am going to back peddle now.  Savannah's story began long before she even existed.  It began on a sidewalk in Fort Wayne Indiana across from an Abortion Clinic.  It began with the song, "Amazing Grace."  I was a senior in high-school, and president of the Pro Life Club.  We were having an all school prayer vigil and there were a few hundred of us quietly praying on the sidewalk.  All of a sudden the abortion doctor arrived.  He was surprised at our numbers that morning, normally there were only a few dozen of us, and he did something unusual, he came over to us.  We all remained quiet, I remember one of my classmates whispering to me, asking me if he could say something.  I told him we needed to remain silent.

The doctor came right up to me, looked me in the eye and said, "I will be here when you need me."  He said a few other things, but that is what I recall.  And I remember looking at him, straight in the eye and saying, "never."*** I then started singing Amazing Grace and soon all of my classmates followed suit.  I vividly remember one other thing that morning.  It was cold and gray, but the moment that we began singing, the sun broke through the clouds and I truly believed shined right down on all of us.

 ***I want to say somthing about my choice, my faith and my strong belief that only God can judge. I made my choice, but I know others that had the same choice and chose differently. I have been unfairly judged so many times in my life that I promise in my heart that I will never judge them, they had to go through their own heartache and do what was right for them. They are beautiful people and their decisions were their choice and is between them and God.

Fast forward a few years.  I was just 21, just days after my birthday and I was looking at a positive pregnancy test.  I wasn't married, living with my boyfriend and going to school.  I was working for minimum wage at a camera store.  I was petrified.  But I knew one thing, that I already loved the tiny little soul that was growing in me.  I wasn't sure what my future held, what the baby's future would look like, but I knew that I was going to keep the baby.

May 5th, 1998

The months that followed were not easy.  I am now a role model for my girls, and I am not going to skirt around the truth and tell them that I lived happily ever after, they know the truth.  They saw what I went through, they went through it with me.   But I will say that I never regret my choice, not for one second of one day.  When I looked at Savannah today, her beautiful, perfect smile, I see a miracle.

Savannah was just five when I had Saxton.  That meant I had four children in a little over five years.  That was a crazy time of my life, between working and raising little ones, days tended to go by in a blur.  But I remember Savannah's fifth birthday, clear as day.  And I remember losing my keys.

Savannah was in school, a little city run pre-school that she went to for a few hours two days a week.  They were going to celebrate her birthday and I went to Target to get a few things.  After getting everything I needed, I headed to the car to drive to her school.  One problem, I had lost my keys.  I went back inside and asked at customer service, no keys.  I began to panic, I was going to miss her little celebration at school... and it was a big deal!  She was five!  That meant she could hold up a whole hand full of fingers to show how old she was.

I began to cry.  For those of you who know me well, I am emotional, but not necessarly in the middle of Target.  If you can picture it, a pregnant lady holding a one year old, a three year old standing near, crying her eyes out because I couldn't miss my daughter's birthday song at school. 

May 5th, 2003

I called her teacher, told her to try and wait and I began searching every isle for my keys.  Soon I had the whole store looking.  I think they partially felt sorry for me and just wanted the blubbering to stop.  Finally and thankfully an employee found the keys and I tearfully thanked them and rushed to Savannah's school.  I made it!  I made it in time for her celebration and to sing her happy birthday with her class.  After all, even though I was about to give birth to my fourth baby, she was still my first and it was important to me that she knew she was important.

Today, she is still my baby and the pain of not being with her feels very much like her fifth birthday, only today I won't find my keys.  I won't be able to see her in person, only through a computer. 

She was so sweet today, I was sad that I couldn't see her and we were skyping and she said, "I'm right here, you're getting to see me."  It's not the same baby girl.  Someday you'll understand. 

Savannah and I have been on a journey.  We have grown up together and continue to do so.  Even as I watch her become this wonderful young lady, I still can't help but still see her as my baby.  I still remember sitting in the wheelchair with her as they were discharging us at the hospital.  There is a video of me somewhere, and I am biting my lip, trying to not cry, scared to death at the prospect of bringing this tiny beautiful creature home.  I was so young and looked like a child myself, but I was a mother now and this little new soul needed me.  I was fighting back the tears because I needed to be strong for her, but today that isn't going so well... the tears keep flowing.

God has a plan for us.  He had a plan for me on that sidewalk all those years ago and he has a plan now.  We just have to have faith in his plan.  My wish is that Savannah has the same faith in me and knows that I am still that mom, holding her close to my heart.  I am still scared, I don't want to hurt her or cause her harm.  I want to protect her with every part of my being. 

I love you sweetheart.  I love you to the moon and stars and back and my love is enveloping you today.  I will be thinking about you and loving you every second today and wishing and hoping that your birthday and everyday is wonderful and magical!  You are a gift to this world and to everyone you meet!  Don't ever forget that!  Happy Birthday!!!