My Ashram, my yard and my Ex.

I started my blog today while listening to music and mowing my lawn.  Today was gorgeous and I realized about a quarter of the way into my backyard how relaxed I had become, simply from the sunshine and the sound of the lawn mower.  At that point my mind began to wander to something my ex once wrote to me, a little incite that I believe still rings true today.

Three weeks before my Ex told me he wanted a divorce we went to a marriage encounter weekend up near Rocky Mountain National Park.  It was sponsored by the Catholic Church and a weekend event.  Funny enough, even though it obviously didn't work for us, I am still a strong proponent of them.  One thing that they really can teach a couple how to do, is to communicate.  Not the slinging shit kind of communication, but the fair kind, where you speak with respect and in lucky cases, love.

One of the letters my Ex and I had to write to each other was about what we like to watch the other do, my Ex wrote that he liked to watch me work in the yard.  This might sound funny, but I actually thought about that comment again today, and it caused a domino effect of past memories. 

I remember as far back as my Ex's and I first house in Indiana.  It was new construction and we had to put a yard in from seed.  What a mess.  I still remember attempting to put socks on my Basset Hound Gus so he wouldn't get mud all over my new house.  I also remember a day after a particularly rough event with my Ex, I remember mowing my yard and how as I went up and down my backyard making neat little rows, I began to feel better.

You might be reading this and chuckling.  I'm smiling.  It seems so simple and in a way it is.  When you are going through something painful it is often life saving to find something to help relax you, bring you back to your center.

My Ex commented in his letter to me how he used to hear me singing.  Yes, I admit that I often get carried away with what I am listening to.  My neighbor recently came over to tell me she could hear me from inside the house.  I apologized, but unfortunately that probably won't be the last time she hears my voice.  I can't tell you how many times that I would listen to a song and it's lyrics would really resonate with me, speak to me to the point where I want to sing along.

I remember when I read Eat Pray Love and she talked of meditating in an Ashram.  For me, my ashram is the outdoors, my yard, flowers and trees.  Outside I am able to quiet the roar in my mind and listen to what my heart is actually trying to tell me.  In all the states that I have lived, in all the climates, pregnant or with small babies watching me work I have enjoyed working outside. 

When your life is chaotic one of the hardest things to do is to relinquish control and have faith that this too shall pass and things will get better.  I don't know how many times I have gone outside upset and come back in feeling better, almost as if nature is my own secret medicine. 

I often get defensive when people assume that yard work is men's work.  For years it is a job that I have taken ownership of.  This is not to say that I haven't coerced help with projects, but it is the week to week maintenance I am proud to call my own.  However the secret is, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I bring up my Ex in this blog because for the most part he allowed me this, and even weeks before our end, he wrote kindly about this personality quirk of mine.  I think as I sort through our relationship and try and make sense of what worked and what didn't in order to become a better person, a better wife to Jerry, I have to let go of the belief that the past is best left there.  Not always.

I have brought a part of me along for this new chapter in my life, a positive part of me that I know works.  Today as the sun warmed me and the neighborhood kids chuckled at me in my yard shoes, large sunglasses and floppy sun hat, I felt happy.  I am comfortable in this role, in this part of the story.  I have had thousands of thoughts in my time working in the yard, I have sang, laughed, cried and even prayed as I have mowed, pruned, plucked, weeded, rocked, mulched and planted.  I have worked in the rain, snow and the desert sun and I have enjoyed just about every minute.

This might be an unusual post, but it is one that makes the most sense to me.  I am still searching for many answers in my life, I am still dealing with much pain, heartache and regret.  However I have found that this one aspect of me works and I have realized that it might have just been my saving grace all along.

A few Sundays ago we got home from a dinner at church and I decided to mow the grass.  I had looked at the weather and there was rain in the forecast for the rest of the week, so I changed out of my dress and into my grungies and headed outside.  The sun was starting to set and by the time I got done it was dark.  I continued to fiddle around outside planting a few things and just messing around.  When I came in I felt better and I hadn't even realized I needed to.  I have been going to Church lately looking for guidance and peace, but just maybe the guidance I have needed has been there all along, and the peace is in the dirt that ends up under my fingernails.