Anxiety and miracles.

I am headed to my counselor this morning in hopes that she can further assist me in my hopes for a miracle.  A little over two weeks ago I found out something really upsetting from the girls on the way home from the fair.  The craziest part of it was how they told us, they just sort of blurted it out of no where.  It caught Jerry and I totally off guard and initially we didn't know what to say.  I can't share what they said because I think more harm than good would come of it.  But I am typing this right now in hopes to settle my anxiousness. 

The last two weeks have been spent on the phone trying to seek counsel on how to deal with the situation and what I have realized is that something that seems  like it should be so important to handle, becomes so complicated.  It has to do with all four children, but as two are with me and two are with my ex matters are more complicated. 

When you have children you truly do set your heart in their little bodies... and right now my heart is aching and very anxious.  I feel helpless and frustrated and I am praying like crazy.  It is quite ironic that two years ago I was feeling something quite similar however the subject is quite different, the problem is the same.

I know that none of this quite makes sense, but I pray and pray that one day it will.  I remember going to church every single morning and praying furiously to God that he help me choose the right path and show me the way.  I believe that he brought me here and I surrendered my fate to God then and I am begging for his assistance now.  The crazy thing is that I happened across the prayer card that I used two years ago and I have begun to use again.

I am grateful to have an army of friends and family who are caring enough and willing to do what they can to help, but figuring out how to untie our hands is the tricky part.  Jerry has been amazing.  There is a song and the lyrics go..."your more than a lover... you're my best friend" this is truly the case with us.  He had been my rock over the last few years and very much so the last few weeks.  He listens with an open heart and doesn't pressure me, he is just there.  Last night I had multiple nightmares and I woke up grateful that he was there, grateful and thankful. 

My stomach is in knots and my heart is a mess.  I wish I could call up and fix this.  Have a conversation, one conversation and make it all better.  I am praying for a miracle, an open heart a confession and a pledge to get better... be better.  It is possible.  I believe because I believe in miracles that anything is possible and I pray in the name of my babies that this miracle takes place.  Please God.

Do the Puyallup

The Puyallup Fair continually ranks in the top ten largest fairs in the world and we are lucky because it is just minutes from our house.  Jerry and I took the girls and Max on the 12th of September because it was half price rides and games night... for those of you who don't know me, I am always looking for a bargain. We didn't have set plans, just sort of decided to go... we knew that Brayden was going the next day with his mom and the weather looked like it was going to turn so we decided to head out on a very beautiful night.  Sometimes I think the best times are those that just sort of happen. The bargains continued as we were able to park close and for free at Jerrry's friends house, bonus, and visit his horse.  We arrived and were instantly treated to a very cool show with these two clowns.  Jerry got a big surprise and the smiles began to settle permantly on our faces.

I love this picture!  Jerry had no idea that the lady clown snuck up and put her hand on his shoulder.  He thought at first it was me.  The girls saw her too and just thought it was hilarious how she surprised him. 

Our feet were super tired after walking for several hours so we took a break and had feet massages.  Ahhhhh

The night turned out to be magical.  The sun set and revealed all the lights of the fair and we walked around looking for goodies to eat.  Sage is not a huge fan of rides so we played a lot of games and really had fun doing so.  We even found some that we could win!  When the girls rode the rides I found myself smiling and having just as much fun watching as they had riding.  At one point I told Jerry that I don't think I quit smiling the whole night.  I felt like I was in a movie experience walking around at an old fashion fair.  While we didn't ride the Ferris wheel, too tall for my Sage, it was a very cool backdrop to the night sky.

One of my favorite things that I have been introduced to at the fair are Fisher Scones!  Yummy!  They are so good!  It is funny to watch the long lines grow at the end of the night with people waiting for their scones... there are several different locations to buy them and all have lines.  It is like people are drones called to buy their scones!

In this picture I had just bought our scones and was enjoying my own feet massage.  Max thought this was very funny... Saxton was already busting a move on a scone!
Life is complicated, happy and at times heartbreaking.  You never know what is around the next corner... little did Jerry and I know what Sage and Saxton would talk to us about out of the blue on the way home from the fair that night... but for a little over four hours we were all blissful in the joy of the fair and the night.  There were no worries or stresses weighing down.  Just contentedness. 

Camping!

We went camping twice.  On August 27th we went to a place not too far away, Alder Lake, it is located on the way to Mt. Rainer.  Jerry and I found the campground when we drove up with Max and Brayden to see the mountain.  It is near a lake and we had a fine site... minus the path to the restroom that went through it.  For our first time it went really well.  We headed up after Jerry got off work, set up our tent, made dinner over an open fire, hot-dogs, chicken dogs and ribs, yummy!, went for a walk, did s'mores and got the kids in bed.  Sage, Saxton and Brayden slept all night long!  Max woke up a few times, I nursed him and he went right back to sleep.  Oh and he peed through his jams, actually those new pull up huggies diapers didn't work so well, and I slept on pee the rest of the night, but it was totally fine... it was filtered pee... baby pee, not regular pee.  In the morning we made a big breakfast, packed up and went to the lake to go swimming.  It was a lot of fun.  The kids were super excited that we finally were able to camp and they were ready to go again!  So we did.

The second time, September 10th, we went with Jerry's brother, sister in law and nephew to Orcas Island in northern Washington.  We had to get up and out of the house by 6:15 am in order to meet up and head north and we just made it in line in time to make the earlier ferry.  The ride to the island was beautiful!  It was an hour of gorgeousness!  After we arrived we drove to Moran State park and checked in to our site.  It was a great site, on a little outlet right on a lake (our other site we had a little walk to the lake.)  We set up our tents and ate lunch.  The weather was just beautiful and I think our only complaint were the bees.  After eating we headed to go explore the island.  First we went up to the top of Mt. Constitution and climbed the tower where you can see forever, even to the Canadian Mountains.  Then we drove to a little beach where you had about a .6 mile hike to the water.  The beach was so clean and crystal clear.  It was very cool and full of cool pebbles and rocks.  One of which met my head.  Jerry and the kids were skipping rocks and I bent down at the perfect time and took a rock just above my temple.  I officially partook in a hard core bell ringing.  Poor Jerry and poor Sage.  He felt super bad and she freaked out when my head started to bleed.  Thankfully Jerry's brother, Dave had a first aid kit and cleaned and bandaged me up.  I had a nice ol' headache and Jerry held my hand the whole hike back up to the car because I was dizzy, but after some Tylenol I was much better. 

The rest of the night we hung out at our site and made dinner while the kids played.  We had chili cheese dogs and chicken wings.  Yummy!  The moon was full and after we put the kids to bed we went to watch it dance across the water.   The weather was just perfect and Jerry, the kids and I all slept well.  Max only woke up briefly a few times and went right back to sleep.  When he woke up for good early in the am, I went for a short walk with him and puppy.  Then I went back to camp and all three of our kids were up so I proposed we walk around the lake and one by one they all agreed.  So we went on a 9-11 memorial walk.  It wasn't easy, 3.9 miles up and down the side of the mountain and hillside.  We took Puppy with us and other than her treeing a squirrel and scaring us to death once, she was great.  The kids were awesome!  They didn't complain once and little Max even took a long nap in the pouch.  We brought some waters, Z bars and I had some gummy lifesavers... little treats to keep us going.  We loved it.  It took awhile, but often times we felt like we were on a movie set or in a fairy land.  There were parts of the forest that were covered in a cool moss carpet, tree groves and a beautiful mirror image of the lake.  We only passed a few people, and sometimes just walked in silence enjoying the morning.  It was a piece of heaven.  It was one of those memories where I felt like a child again.  I was back in second grade exploring the woods behind my house in Indiana.  Only now it was with my own children, exploring a remote island in northern Washington.  Life is amazing and wonderful and always a gift when you have children to share it with.  I hope that some day my children will remember our adventures and choose to share them with their children.

After our walk we headed back to camp and had an amazing breakfast.  Jerry even made coffee.  It is funny how amazing coffee tastes when you are drinking it in a super random place.  We also had yummy breakfast burritos with egg, ham and cheese!  Then it was time to pack up and make a mad dash to wait for the ferry.  We thought for a second we missed the 2ish ferry and would have to wait until five-ish

I loved our camping adventure.  The weather and the company was wonderful.  The location was almost dreamlike and I felt very grateful to have the opportunity to experience something so beautiful right in my own backyard.  However, I always knew there was something missing, my  Savannah and Sam.  Its funny, sometimes when I am out somewhere and wishing they were there and missing them, I talk to them in my mind hoping they can feel me thinking about them across the miles.  That ache that I get when they are gone never goes away, it is always there until they come back...

Courage

There have been a lot of things going on and I will address those happy notes in another post.  This post is about my constant battle to do the right thing when often the right thing consists of facing a huge monster or an enormous mountain that seems impossible to climb.  What I realized today is that when I look behind me, look at what I have been through, I see that I have already summited several mountains already.  This realization gives me the courage to face the next Mountain I just arrived at. 

When I was in high-school my mom and I started going to Al anon together.  It is one of the first things I did for myself in order to attempt to deal with the emotional struggles I was going through.  We said a prayer at the beginning of each session, the serenity prayer...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Little did I know that the courage part would be the hardest.  The simple complexity of this poem still gets to me.  Most mornings I am accepting.  I am not changing.  I am simply dealing with what life throws at me on that particular day.  Some days are beautiful, happy and mask the acceptance.  Today is not one of those days.  Last night I became aware of a monster.  I am aware that today and tomorrow I will need courage to deal with that monster.  I can not just accept these facts,  I have no choice but the have the courage to change this situation.  No choice but to climb this Mountain and reach the summit.  Because this monster is not just hurting me anymore, but those dear to me.  And I will not tolerate it!

A hodge-podge of thoughts.

I am frustrated with myself for letting so many days go by without writing.  Today I have been adding little posts to try and catch up... and provide an online diary of sorts.  As I have said, it is my goal to somehow use words to capture and freeze a moment or moments in time so when I am older I can go back and re-visit my life as it was.  I think any parent with small children, or children in general understands how fast time goes.  Max went from attempting to walk not even a month ago to now solely tottle-ing around the house.  He looks like a little wind up doll with his arms flared out trying to hold his balance.  We all cringe and hold our breath each time he falls and hope he comes up smiling.  The few small bruises on his head re-mind us of the times he needed hugs and kisses to make the fall go away. 

The girls are home!  They arrived safe and sound late on Tuesday night the 23rd.  I didn't realize that I was holding my breath until shortly after we pulled away from the airport and I realized I was letting out a huge exhale.  It was a bittersweet happiness though because I felt like I was leaving something behind.  I caught myself looking behind Sage and Saxton expecting a miracle, expecting to see Savannah and Sam.  I miss them so much.  This past Friday Kendra (Jerry's sister-in-law) came to pick up Tyler, my future nephew.  He had spent the night Thursday, we took him to Wild Waves.  I like having him around... he is between Savannah and Sam in age and it makes me smile to have his energy.  Anyway, Kendra brought me some stuff we had left at the lake (Minnesota) and in the bag were Savannah's hair clips.  I could hardly make it into the house before I burst into tears.  Jerry and I were heading to the store with the kids and I held her little clip in my hand the whole way.  We thankfully caught her on the phone and I was able to hear her sweet voice.  Yesterday I could hear our neighbor Ty playing basketball.  I had to go inside because I knew that if Sam was here he would probably be down there playing... these little thoughts happen at least once a day and I have to swallow down my tears.

I was able to talk to Savannah and Sam today.  Sam sounded so cute describing his new shoes and talking in his little ten year old way.  He is so sweet and I love how simple life sounds through his eyes.  I know he is happy to be near his cousins and get to play with them.  They are all boys and his age.  This makes me happy, as does the kind things my ex's family says to the kids about me.  Sage and Saxton came home with kind messages from several of my ex's family.  I really appreciated that.  They were there in the final weeks of our relationship and I think they knew how hard things were.  I am thankful for any positive things they bring to my children.  I can't battle what comes out of my ex's mouth, but kids don't need to hear negativity, especially about their parents.  I remember learning in my divorce classes the simple lesson that your kids are half you and half of them and if you insult each other, you are insulting part of your child. 

It's stressful enough being away from them.  I constantly think and worry about them and the thing I miss the most is the simple act of hugging them, kissing them and having them physically near.  Jerry and I are getting married Thanksgiving weekend and I am hoping we can have a civilized conversation concerning the kids being here for it.  Savannah and Sam are both excited and I know they want to be here.  In fact Savannah wrote a beautiful not to Jerry for his birthday, I want to share it with you.  It shows what a wonderful daughter I have and a wonderful fiance:

     "Ha.  Your 40 Jerry!  Anyway Happy Birthday (:  I wanted to tell you that you are the best person for my mom... and I'm very happy you guys are engaged!  :D  I also wanted to say thank you for everything you  do for our family and my mom (:  you treat my mommy so well... and to me that makes me very happy (: cause she's my best friend and seeing her as happy as she is shows me that your the perfect guy (:  you are so kind to me and my brothers and my sisters!  I love that! (:  Thanks for everything Jerry and I'm overly excited for you and my mom to get married!  Happy Birthday (: Love Savy (:"

 It is horrible and painful to go through a divorce, for the adults, but also the children.  The most important thing is to not project your anger and hurt on the most beautiful things to come from that broken relationship, your children.  They thrive from positive energy and love, not negativity and hate.  My daughter wrote these beautiful words of love and they keep me going.  Just as we want nothing more than to see them happy, they need to see us happy as well.  It allows them a model to follow and learn from.  Am I perfect? NO!  Absolutely not. If I thought so, that would be a problem.  In fact the point of this blog is to file and examine my life.  What makes it good, what makes it bad.  One thing that makes it wonderful is my babies... and I only hope my path to them, my path through my ex can get better.

August third… a walk at Chambers

Brayden drinks... Puppy drinks!

August first 2011… a mini date

Max and I headed to Chambers to walk with puppy and enjoy our beautiful weather.  I love the “Rainy Washington” comments… yes it ALWAYS rains… so don’t move here!  Ha!  I love Chambers… it is my special place to go to think and unwind.  The ironic thing is I fell in love with it on a cold, misty day in November and love it no matter the weather.

Max watching puppy play in the water...

Jerry and I decided on a mini date to ride the water taxi, $3.50 across to seattle, grab some halibut and head back for a walk and ice cream at Alki beach.  It’s funny, but we almost missed our boat back from Seattle, but I guess my sharp sales skills prevailed and they reversed the boat for us…

Max and the gull...

Dad making Max laugh after our Alki beach walk...