Feed Just One

At least once a day I hear, "I'm hungry" or "I'm starving" or both.  As a mom it is my job to keep my little one's belly's full and I do.  However, I also remind them that they aren't starving, but there are children who are.  They have become used to hearing me say, "If you lived in a refugee camp in Africa you would be lucky to get one meal a day, so I think you can make it ten more minutes for your third." 

My life changed the day I stepped foot in Uganda.  I had studied Africa, I had seen hundreds of pictures and watched several documentaries and I had read several books.  But nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.  Nothing prepares you for the first time you see an orphan not even two years old wandering about by herself.  Nothing prepares you for talking with a new mom who hadn't eaten in four days even though she just gave birth.  Nothing prepares you for the distended belly's and skinny legs of all the children who are malnourished and battling parasites.

Hunger for these children is a daily occurrence.  They are truly starving.  However we can do something.  How many of you have seen one of those commercials that advertise starving children in Africa?  You wonder where will my money go?  Do these children really benefit from my donation?  Do these children even exist?

They do.  I promise.  And if you want to help I can tell you how.  http://feedjustone.com/ and http://www.thinkhumanity.org/ are partnering to help get meals for the girls in our hostel in Hoima, Uganda.  There are currently 30 girls that live there and go to school and you can help provide them with meals.  I remember the first time I met them.  We were walking to their hostel and were still blocks away but we could already hear them.  They were singing and laughing and running towards us.  I remember they made it to Beth first, enveloping her in hugs and before I knew it I too was surrounded by love.  They didn't know me, but they greeted me as if I was a long lost sister.  They were crying and soon so was I.  It was love at first sight.  I will never forget them.  They are wonderful and beautiful!  They have been to hell and back but still smile. 

$20.  What costs $20 here?  A weeks worth of coffee?  Two movie tickets?  In Uganda $20 will by you thirty meals.  That is like feeding one girl for a month.  You are assuring her that she will eat at least one meal a day.  That is awesome!  That is a blessing and that is what you can provide by purchasing a t-shirt!  Come on!  Let's do this!!!  Let's start by at least feeding one!

Dirty Rocks, pretty pebbles.

Sam, cousin Guiseppe and Savannah
seeing the Atlantic Ocean
for the first time.  FL 2004

I think for me one of the most important parts of the healing process is not forgetting the bad memories, it's letting go of them.  There is a difference.  It is a lot harder to let go of something.  When you forget something, you lose it.  You may happen upon it sometime later, maybe at an inopportune time or you may lose it completely. Yes, you would lose all the negative things associated with that item (I am referring to memories in case you are not following my random train of thought), but you will also lose all the good things as well.

When you let things go, you let go what you want, on your terms.  For instance, think of a dirty rock.  Have you ever picked through rocks at the beach?  They are often covered in slime, maybe sea-weed or dirt and sand, but when you wash the rock off you realize it is a beautiful pebble, round and sometimes colorful.  Although the pebble has been through some storms and tossed around, it still exists and those rough points and sharp edges are now gone. 

As I sort through all my memories from the time I was married with my ex, I take this analogy in mind.  I throw back the rough rocks, they aren't ready, I take the round pebbles however, clean them off and save them.  I store them in a container to occasionally look at and appreciate.

My ex and I were married for twelve years and we had some really rough times, however, I am not going to lie and say that everyday was miserable, because it wasn't.  I am not going to say all my memories are painful, because they aren't.  We raised four beautiful children together and they are my most beautiful pebbles. 

If I let go of everything, then I let go of the time Sam called a full Lobster, Chicken.  We were in Maine and eating fresh lobster, Sam turned to me and said, "mmmm, this Chicken is good."  The lobster, eyes, pincher's and all, was a bit offended, but I smiled.  During this same trip we were driving through the marine layer trying to find this beach.  Sam asked if we were under water, I said yes, we were.  When we found the beach Sam got out and ran through the fog that made it hard to distinguish the sky from the water.  He then yelled to Savannah and said, "Savannah, I can breath under water!" 

That same trip we were at a laundry mat.  We met a blood-worm farmer who the kids and I were just fascinated with.  Saxton, not quite two, also got the biggest kick out of watching her blanket go round and round.  She wouldn't take her eyes off of it for a second. We drove through and saw 22 states that trip and I am not going to throw those memories away. 

I would lose the memory of Savannah's sixth birthday, when we were in Florida with my Ex's family.  Grandma had the little ones and Sam was with his dad.  Just Savannah and I were walking the beach and looking for shells.  I remember finding some tide pools and just being fascinated with her at all the little creatures that lived there.  She was so cute and excited.  Later on in that same trip we went and visited a sea turtle rehabilitation center.  We learned how garbage hurts the sea turtles.  Savannah took this information, stored it away and several days later remembered it.  She saw some garbage on the beach and she put it in her bucket to throw away properly, she didn't want the sea turtles to get hurt.

That same trip we went to Disney World for the day.  Seven adults, a six year old, five year old, four year old,  three two year olds and a nine month old made for a long day.  But I will never forget Sage breaking away from me to go hug the monkey from Lion King.  She was this little minute, and innocent to the fact that you had to wait in line or have a special autograph book.  All she wanted was to hug the monkey.  I won't forget Savannah on Space Mountain, riding in the very first car and me sitting behind her holding her hands up the whole time.  I wouldn't forget those memories ever!

My ex and I took a lot of road trips.  We traveled to over thirty states with our littles.  I have hundreds of precious memories from those trips as my children saw some of our countries most amazing landmarks for the first time.  I don't want to ever forget those memories, so I will just wash off what I need to,  and find something that is beautiful.

True to life resume

Today I was  trying to update my profile on Monster.com.  As I am trying to ponder what to write to sell myself, I couldn't quite find the words to describe, "mom wearing slippers, glasses and pjs with snot (Max's, not mine) all over her face and neck holding a baby while typing."  Maybe "great at multitasking"  or "conservative dresser" or how about "un-phased by bodily fluids."

For those of you who know me well I have been through a lot in the last year years.  I have gotten separated, divorced and re-married.  I have moved from one state to another where I hardly knew a soul.  I have attempted to adjust to the fact that two of my babies are across the country and I don't get to see them on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis.  I have learned to cherish phone calls instead of hugs and skype photos instead of actual ones.  Maybe I could put "great telecommuter" on my resume.

My Sage turned ten on February 22nd.  It's amazing to look at old photos and realize how fast time goes. As I look at Sage's baby pictures I feel a surge of different emotions, happiness and love and even a bit of sadness as I am hit with the fact of how fast life goes. The tiny little baby that I see in the pictures is now a young lady full of opinions, ideas and gumption.  When Sage was just a week old she almost died of RSV.  Her and I spent a week in the PI CU  and I learned what each machine was and what each stat meant. The nurses taught me how to break up mucus and give breathing treatments.  How about "health care giver" as a personal attribute. 

This past Sunday we took the littles to Great Wolf Lodge.  We spent the night and two days there and had a blast swimming, riding water-slides and exploring all the wonders of the hotel.   The older three entertained us by pointing their wands at creatures and making them talk.  Max was fascinated by the talking bear and live story time.  We spent a lot of time in the water juggling three kids and a baby who thinks he can swim.  I'll add, "lifeguard and swimming instructor" to my talents.

Last night I listened to Sam read me these sweet poems from his fourth grade class (He is now in 6th) while watching the girls practice basketball.  Everyone once in a while I had to shout a word of encouragement or remind them to square up when they shoot.  So "coach" and "literature critic" should probably be added to my resume as well.

This past weekend after we got home from our three basketball games in a row marathon, my little Max decided he wanted to practice shooting in his little tykes hoop in our family room.  He must have heard me yell "shoot" several dozen times while cheering on Saxton to her first basket ever, Sage to her 10 points and Brayden, that he picked up the word.  However "shoot" translated through the mouth of a 19 month old turns out to be "shit."  This was just to hilarious not to document so I got out my phone and recorded Max's new word.  Now I have officially earned the term, "videographer" to my long list of certifications.

Everyday I do laundry, the dishes and sweep the floor.  I run errands, drop off kids, pick up kids and feed the dog.  I clean and vacuum and work on my photos.  I even work from home for Garden Critters of New Mexico.  (I am really pushing the multi-tasking quality).  But what I realize is how do you explain this in a cover letter or what box do you check to describe the exact kind of work you do.  There isn't any way.  For some reason, "Stay-at-home-mom" isn't a choice, because often it is looked down upon, not up to. 

So for now I will just continue to be a "great communicator" to my 19 month old as I talk to him like an adult while I push the shopping cart around.  I will add "able to handle criticism" as those who don't know me continue to judge me in a negative light. 

I will allow the fact that I graduated from a University with an A average to be sidelined to the fact that I have over five years experience in "nursing," the breast kind, not the medical.  I will continue to ap"praise" my children's art work, instead of the several thousand dollars of art work I used to sell.  

I am proud of my job and if my qualities as a mother are not as important as my professional ones, then that is the loss of the company who chooses to look past my true to life resume.

A smashed can can become an almost smooth peice of paper.

There is an analogy that really hit home with me and it can be told in a few different ways.  One is to imagine a perfect aluminum can, no creases, perfect.  Now smash that can, beat it up, make dents in it.  Finally, try and make that can perfect again, try and make it even close to how it was originally.  You can't.  Try the same thing with a perfect piece of paper. Crinkle it up, tear it, crinkle it up over and over.  Then try and make it perfect again, use tape or a book to try and make it flat again.  No matter how you try, that piece of paper will never be perfect.

Imagine that a person is that can or that piece of paper and imagine that every time some one says or does something mean to them it causes a crease or a dent.  No matter how hard you try to make that person perfect again, you can't.  No matter how hard you try to fix yourself and make yourself forget what has happened, you can't, not totally.

I was having some trouble dealing with the fact that I wasn't fixed from all that has happened and my counselor told me this story and Jerry told me the other version.  For some reason this was a comfort to me.  It took the pressure off to completely erase my past, it also gave me the inspiration to try and prevent these things from happening to those I love.

My brother is going through a rough time right now and it has sparked emotions that I had buried myself.  I was talking with my sister yesterday and we were discussing the challenge of fixing someone, of fixing yourself.  It is really hard.  You have to want it.  You have to also want to let go what has happened to you.  Just as important, you have to want to let go some of the pain those that have hurt you, have caused.  Because then I believe a miracle can happen, the dents and crinkles can magically disappear. 

Alot has happened since I last blogged.  First and foremost I got married.  On November 26th I married my best friend.  We had a perfect ceremony at the end of pier over the water.  Dresses and tuxes were replaced by sweatshirts and jeans.  Nature was our church and we were surrounded by love.  My brother in law preformed an amazing ceremony and in the end it was a perfect day.

We had a fabulous honeymoon that Jerry planned and it was a gift that he gave me that I will never forget.  We took a cruise to the Bahamas and I found something that I never thought I would, total and complete peace.  I had felt peace before but never to the point where every worry, every sadness disappeared.  It was only for a moment, but it was so wonderful and eye-opening to finally know it was possible.  I remember floating in the water and I truly believed that I had found heaven on earth.  I could feel God all around me and I knew that through everything I had been through he had never left.  He can't protect us from everything, but he can give us the tools to deal with them,.

The holidays came and went and were wonderful.  But my real Christmas present came when Savannah and Sam arrived on the 13th of January.  My heart is made complete when they are here.  We had a special visit and even got snow on our Christmas day. (We kept our tree up and had a second Christmas morning complete with a big breakfast and presents.)  My Savannah who is becoming quite the young lady was a little girl again for a few moments and my sweet Sam was quite the love bug.  I am a blessed momma to have such beautiful children. 

My late resolution is to get back to blogging.  It is a way for me to voice my crinkles and my dents and maybe help get rid of a few.  It's funny I was talking with a friend and he asked why I hadn't blogged in a while.  I told him that I compose plenty of blogs while lying in bed or taking a shower.  My thoughts flow like a broken dam in the silence of night but dry up in the reality of the day.  My Little's and laundry, dishes and basketball practice, cleaning and homework all help too, but I wouldn't change a thing.  I am blessed and I am slowly becoming an almost, but not quite smooth piece of paper.

Jerry and I through my daughter's eyes...

"So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

John Mayer

Jerry giving Sage some one on one time.

On Sunday we were at Chamber's Bay down on the beach with the kids.  Sage had a sleepover the night before (Saturday) and was tired and emotional.  Jerry took it upon himself to take her aside and talk to her and calm her down.  Watching this, I fell in love with him all over again.  After all, I am not a single engaged woman, but one who has children who are a very important part of me.  For anyone who is engaged in a relationship with children, It is so important to find someone special who not only loves you, but them as well. 

This one is cute,
little Max always smiles
and loves it when we smooch.

After their talk, Sage came over to me and asked for my camera, she had been watching me take pictures and wanted to take some of her own.  I had the flash turned off because I was trying to catch the full sunset, so the pictures became blurry,  but you can see what she saw and decided to capture.

I realized as I later looked at these photos that our children are always watching us.  After all, we are their first teachers and they learn what they live and see.  I know that when my ex and I would fight we thought it was just us in the argument, but what I have realized after listening to the kids had to say, they were part of every fight.  They felt all the pain and sadness that we did. 

We all make mistakes, "to err is human" or so they say.  However the great tragedy is to not learn from those mistakes, to not try and do better, be better.

Over the last several months I have learned that I can't erase what my children saw during the rough times of my previous marriage and they will always be affected by it.

However, I have given them the gift of watching me deal with my heartache and try to grow from it.  You can't change the past, but we are all the captains of our future.  Both my ex and I are moving on and we not only have the ability, but also an obligation to exemplify what a healthy and positive relationship is. 

After looking at these pictures, I felt proud at what they represented.  I was happy that is how my daughter saw me.  As John Mayer said in the song I quoted, Mothers be good to your daughters too.  I do owe it to my daughters from this day forward to be a yardstick for what is expected in a relationship; love, respect, honesty, trust and friendship.  In two and a half weeks I will be getting re-married and I have a second chance to show my children that marriage can be beautiful.  I am going to view this as my gift to them and hope that I can be a beacon for when they are older and begin to chose someone special to spend the rest of their life with.   

I cheered so loud I peed my pants!

Sage, Saxton and Brayden all play soccer at the YMCA.  Games are on Saturdays and practice for the girls is on Wednesday night and Thursday night for Brayden.  Simple enough.  However I am such an emotional wreck during the games.  Brayden plays inside in the gym and there are a ton of people in a tight space watching, so I am pretty quiet and resort to clapping and an occasional "good job" or "nice pass" at a reasonable level.  Mr. Brayden is really good, he has been playing for several seasons now and scoring goals for him is second nature. 

However the girls are new to the sport.  This is Only Sage's second season indoors and Saxton's first (both played one season of outdoor soccer in the spring.)  They are going against other third and fourth graders many like Brayden who have been playing since pre-kindergarten.  But they haven't given up or allowed this advantage to deter them.  Each week they get better and learn something new.  And when Sage scored her first goal on October 22nd, I think they could hear me inside the YMCA.  (The girls play outside in the sports complex on the full field and voices are very much amplified, including mine.) 

Jerry and the littlest
cheerleader, Max!

In fact, I laughed at myself a few games ago while cheering for the girls, I was my mother's daughter and was probably going to blow out my vocal chords too by the time they graduated from high-school.  Proudly I am a positive cheer leader and I don't get down on them for anything... even a missed goal.  Their confidence is fragile enough and they need all the encouragement they can get.  For example I cheer for anything, even a protected ball that Saxton, as a defender successfully kicks up to a forward.  Jerry and I remind the girls that a blocked goal is just important as one that is scored.

Yesterday, Sage and Saxton were both playing forwards with another little girl.  They play 20 minute halves and there was only six minutes or so left in the first half.  The three of them had been working for fourteen minutes now trying for a goal.  Several times they got so close and I was a basket case because I knew how bad they wanted it.  Both Sage and the other forward continued to try and set Saxton up for her first goal, but she was up against a very good goalie and it wasn't happening.  But, then it did, sort of. Sage passed the ball to Saxton, but she didn't have the shot so she passed it to Sage on our left and Sage scored!  I was so excited and cheered so loud I piddled in my pants.  I cheered for Sage, but I cheered just as loud if not louder for Saxton and her assist, it was beautiful. 

The girls all came out then and a sad Saxton came off the field.  She hadn't scored the goal, Sage had.  Jerry and I went to her and explained how proud we were of her and emphasised the point that if she hadn't given Sage such a perfect pass she wouldn't have scored, the point was it was her goal too!  She thought about that and after some more encouragement from other parents, her coach and other teammate she smiled a proud smile.  I think Jerry said it best, he reminded her that it was a team, each goal was a team effort and she had helped her team make that goal.

They won their game and I smiled all the way to the car.  I was so proud of my girls, not just because they scored a goal, but they learned a valuable lesson on not giving up and that we can't do it alone.  We all need help achieving our goals and it isn't just important to score, but to support those who do. 

Sage running through our parent tunnel!

You are my sunshine

Every night before the girls go to bed we sing songs, I have been doing this since Savannah was a baby.  It is one of the sweet memories I have with my dad, singing Irish tunes before bed.  We sing Danny Boy and several others, but there is one I don't hardly ever sing, "You are my Sunshine", that is because it's Savannah's song.  But the other night we were talking about her before bed as we often do and included them in our prayers.  The girls asked how long I had been singing and I said since Savannah was first born and that "You are my Sunshine" is her song. 

As I sang it for them I remembered how when she was tiny I would rock her and sing. As she got older and I attempted to get her to sleep all night in her own bed, I would go into her room in the middle of the night when she cried and with my head leaning on her crib, I would fight falling asleep, my hand through the rails on her little back, singing her to her dreams.  One of the songs I would sing would be You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine.... even singing it in my mind causes tears to well up in my eyes.  I miss her and Sam so much. 

Yesterday Max climbed up on the kitchen table.  The day before he had mastered the kitchen chair and so yesterday he made it to the summit.  I laughed and groaned at the same time.  My mind flashed back to little Savannah, also just a small one year old and her grin as she mastered the same skill.  I almost called Savannah to tell her until I remembered she was in school, I wanted to share with her the skill her baby brother had inherited... one that keeps a mom on her toes.

Early this morning, just after one, Max woke up and no matter what we did he wouldn't fall back to sleep.  He wasn't feeling well and even allowing him to lay on me and give me snotty nuzzles couldn't get him asleep.  Finally just after four am I put him in his crib and sang to him, just like I did for his older sisters and brother.  It took me laying on the bed in his room, talking to him until he finally relented to sleep.  I fell asleep thinking of all my babies.

My children are my sunshine, the fact that I can't always be with them all is my rain, my clouds.  It is funny, even though Savannah and Sam are older now, when they are here they still let me sing them to sleep.  They don't tease me about my voice, or say they are too old, they just let me rub their heads and do what I long to do every night, tuck all my babies in, sing to them and kiss them good-night.

Savannah and Sam, when you are not here and you are laying in bed in the still of the night, listen real hard because I am still singing to you and telling you sweet dreams.  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back.