Dirty Rocks, pretty pebbles.

Sam, cousin Guiseppe and Savannah
seeing the Atlantic Ocean
for the first time.  FL 2004

I think for me one of the most important parts of the healing process is not forgetting the bad memories, it's letting go of them.  There is a difference.  It is a lot harder to let go of something.  When you forget something, you lose it.  You may happen upon it sometime later, maybe at an inopportune time or you may lose it completely. Yes, you would lose all the negative things associated with that item (I am referring to memories in case you are not following my random train of thought), but you will also lose all the good things as well.

When you let things go, you let go what you want, on your terms.  For instance, think of a dirty rock.  Have you ever picked through rocks at the beach?  They are often covered in slime, maybe sea-weed or dirt and sand, but when you wash the rock off you realize it is a beautiful pebble, round and sometimes colorful.  Although the pebble has been through some storms and tossed around, it still exists and those rough points and sharp edges are now gone. 

As I sort through all my memories from the time I was married with my ex, I take this analogy in mind.  I throw back the rough rocks, they aren't ready, I take the round pebbles however, clean them off and save them.  I store them in a container to occasionally look at and appreciate.

My ex and I were married for twelve years and we had some really rough times, however, I am not going to lie and say that everyday was miserable, because it wasn't.  I am not going to say all my memories are painful, because they aren't.  We raised four beautiful children together and they are my most beautiful pebbles. 

If I let go of everything, then I let go of the time Sam called a full Lobster, Chicken.  We were in Maine and eating fresh lobster, Sam turned to me and said, "mmmm, this Chicken is good."  The lobster, eyes, pincher's and all, was a bit offended, but I smiled.  During this same trip we were driving through the marine layer trying to find this beach.  Sam asked if we were under water, I said yes, we were.  When we found the beach Sam got out and ran through the fog that made it hard to distinguish the sky from the water.  He then yelled to Savannah and said, "Savannah, I can breath under water!" 

That same trip we were at a laundry mat.  We met a blood-worm farmer who the kids and I were just fascinated with.  Saxton, not quite two, also got the biggest kick out of watching her blanket go round and round.  She wouldn't take her eyes off of it for a second. We drove through and saw 22 states that trip and I am not going to throw those memories away. 

I would lose the memory of Savannah's sixth birthday, when we were in Florida with my Ex's family.  Grandma had the little ones and Sam was with his dad.  Just Savannah and I were walking the beach and looking for shells.  I remember finding some tide pools and just being fascinated with her at all the little creatures that lived there.  She was so cute and excited.  Later on in that same trip we went and visited a sea turtle rehabilitation center.  We learned how garbage hurts the sea turtles.  Savannah took this information, stored it away and several days later remembered it.  She saw some garbage on the beach and she put it in her bucket to throw away properly, she didn't want the sea turtles to get hurt.

That same trip we went to Disney World for the day.  Seven adults, a six year old, five year old, four year old,  three two year olds and a nine month old made for a long day.  But I will never forget Sage breaking away from me to go hug the monkey from Lion King.  She was this little minute, and innocent to the fact that you had to wait in line or have a special autograph book.  All she wanted was to hug the monkey.  I won't forget Savannah on Space Mountain, riding in the very first car and me sitting behind her holding her hands up the whole time.  I wouldn't forget those memories ever!

My ex and I took a lot of road trips.  We traveled to over thirty states with our littles.  I have hundreds of precious memories from those trips as my children saw some of our countries most amazing landmarks for the first time.  I don't want to ever forget those memories, so I will just wash off what I need to,  and find something that is beautiful.