A smashed can can become an almost smooth peice of paper.

There is an analogy that really hit home with me and it can be told in a few different ways.  One is to imagine a perfect aluminum can, no creases, perfect.  Now smash that can, beat it up, make dents in it.  Finally, try and make that can perfect again, try and make it even close to how it was originally.  You can't.  Try the same thing with a perfect piece of paper. Crinkle it up, tear it, crinkle it up over and over.  Then try and make it perfect again, use tape or a book to try and make it flat again.  No matter how you try, that piece of paper will never be perfect.

Imagine that a person is that can or that piece of paper and imagine that every time some one says or does something mean to them it causes a crease or a dent.  No matter how hard you try to make that person perfect again, you can't.  No matter how hard you try to fix yourself and make yourself forget what has happened, you can't, not totally.

I was having some trouble dealing with the fact that I wasn't fixed from all that has happened and my counselor told me this story and Jerry told me the other version.  For some reason this was a comfort to me.  It took the pressure off to completely erase my past, it also gave me the inspiration to try and prevent these things from happening to those I love.

My brother is going through a rough time right now and it has sparked emotions that I had buried myself.  I was talking with my sister yesterday and we were discussing the challenge of fixing someone, of fixing yourself.  It is really hard.  You have to want it.  You have to also want to let go what has happened to you.  Just as important, you have to want to let go some of the pain those that have hurt you, have caused.  Because then I believe a miracle can happen, the dents and crinkles can magically disappear. 

Alot has happened since I last blogged.  First and foremost I got married.  On November 26th I married my best friend.  We had a perfect ceremony at the end of pier over the water.  Dresses and tuxes were replaced by sweatshirts and jeans.  Nature was our church and we were surrounded by love.  My brother in law preformed an amazing ceremony and in the end it was a perfect day.

We had a fabulous honeymoon that Jerry planned and it was a gift that he gave me that I will never forget.  We took a cruise to the Bahamas and I found something that I never thought I would, total and complete peace.  I had felt peace before but never to the point where every worry, every sadness disappeared.  It was only for a moment, but it was so wonderful and eye-opening to finally know it was possible.  I remember floating in the water and I truly believed that I had found heaven on earth.  I could feel God all around me and I knew that through everything I had been through he had never left.  He can't protect us from everything, but he can give us the tools to deal with them,.

The holidays came and went and were wonderful.  But my real Christmas present came when Savannah and Sam arrived on the 13th of January.  My heart is made complete when they are here.  We had a special visit and even got snow on our Christmas day. (We kept our tree up and had a second Christmas morning complete with a big breakfast and presents.)  My Savannah who is becoming quite the young lady was a little girl again for a few moments and my sweet Sam was quite the love bug.  I am a blessed momma to have such beautiful children. 

My late resolution is to get back to blogging.  It is a way for me to voice my crinkles and my dents and maybe help get rid of a few.  It's funny I was talking with a friend and he asked why I hadn't blogged in a while.  I told him that I compose plenty of blogs while lying in bed or taking a shower.  My thoughts flow like a broken dam in the silence of night but dry up in the reality of the day.  My Little's and laundry, dishes and basketball practice, cleaning and homework all help too, but I wouldn't change a thing.  I am blessed and I am slowly becoming an almost, but not quite smooth piece of paper.