Gone Gone Gone

"Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you

And long after you're gone, gone, gone...

I love you long after you're gone, gone, gone."

Phillip Phillips

It took me a while to even go upstairs when we came back to the house today.  For some reason I think my mind was pretending that maybe they were up there, at some point coming down to give me a much needed hug.  I know that sounds crazy, but that is pretty much how I have felt all day any way, crazy.  They talk about how if you mess with a mother bear's cub, she will attack and that is an appropriate analogy today. It's like this deep, almost animalistic longing to go after my babies and bring them home.  I just miss all of them so terrible.

Tonight I was hanging up a few of the girls shirts in their closet and Max was in the room.  I asked him where Sam was and he said that he was on an airplane.  And I said, "yeah" and my voice started to crack.  I was facing away from him, but he asked, "... are you sad?"  I told him I was and he replied, "so am I," and then I lost it (for like the 25th time today.)  He let me pick him up and I turned off the light and sat on the bed where Sam had been sleeping and just held him and cried.  Truly I am waiting for the tears to run out, almost willing them to, but it's not happening.

In order to feel better, I just keep on trying to think of all the fun things that we did and just the silly little memories... like right now I am sitting on my back patio typing this and dealing with this large strange bug that Savannah and I videoed at our old house.  Max had been facinated with it and it seemed to have followed me here.  The tiki torches make me smile because Sam and I had a time trying to get them to go in the ground.  "Funny the way it is..." how something that once brought you laughter could bring you to tears.  It's amazing how in just such a short time of living here, the house has already been filled up with both Savannah and Sam's personality.  And while the ensuing emptiness sucks, I am very glad that we did have an opportunity to all be here together. The two of them (and Max) are able to say they slept in the house on the very first night and helped jump start what will hopefully be years of memories here.

I am going to end with some pictures I took at Chamber's Bay on Monday.  I have some more to post at a later date, but these are a few that just make me smile.  I love you all my sweet babies, to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back.