"Stop this train" John Mayer

I love music.  I recently reacquainted myself with some of my old purchases on itunes.  You know those songs that when you were going through something, you played them over and over almost like an anthem or a soundtrack of your life.  I remember when I was going through the end of my marriage I would go hiking, walking, biking and roller blading and I would listen to music, sometimes I would get sad, angry, happy, but mostly I would feel empowered, inspired by what I was listening to.  I wonder if artists truly understand the impact their lyrics make on people.  Do they realize that their words give us strength and then sometimes bring us to tears?  I wonder.   

When I was home for my mom's surprise 60th birthday weekend I talked to her about life and how fast that time was flying by.  She told me that the older you get, the faster it goes.  Drawing on the old adage, time flys when you're having fun, does that mean it gets better as you get older?   It made me think of the song by John Mayer, "Stop this train."*  This song makes me reflect on my own life and the rate at which it is going. 

I have been through a lot in my 35 years here on this earth.  My journey has been long and painful at some points and absolutely beautiful and wonderful during others.  Like most people, I experience days that fly by and moments that seem to drag on for hours.  Unfortunately I find that when I am happiest I can hardly hang on to the swiftness of the moment.  I remember last week walking down the stairs with Max.  He was holding my hand and we were going step by step.  I stopped myself about half way down and made sure to enjoy each of the remaining steps, to enjoy the feeling of his little hand in mine, his deliberate steps and his pride at walking down the steps like big boy.  I savored this blink of time because I knew that in no time he would be bounding down the stairs needing no help at all. 

One of my biggest blessings, as well as my greatest curse is the fact that I have a photographic memory.  I can replay events and memories as if I am watching movies in my mind.  It's funny, when Savannah and I were on the phone a few days ago,  she told me about a picture of her and I when she was a baby.  We were both wearing overalls and white shirts.  Twins.  She was my date to a Bishop Dwenger football game at Concordia Stadium.  I remember walking around with her, running into old friends and holding her tight as I walked up the bleacher steps.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  That is what is scary.  Now she is almost as tall as me and probably wouldn't be caught dead dressing like my twin.

Yesterday Sage asked if we could ride our bikes to school like we had done a few weeks ago.  I was worried about the rain, it was drizzling a bit, but there was a greater chance in the afternoon so I suggested we walk instead.  Walking was nice, especially once you entered the forest part of the path where the big trees  provided us with a nature made umbrella.  The girls were excited as they waved to their friends on the bus and by the fact that they were walking instead of riding.  We ran a little so that they wouldn't be late, but still stopped long enough for them to pick their first raspberry of the season.  I won't forget the sound of the birds, the rain on the leaves, their laughter and Max making his funny noise that means dog or animal, almost like an over-exaggerated gulping noise.  One thing I love about Facebook is my ability to log these memories.  I can record for one second where we were and what we were doing so that in the years ahead I can trigger that video in my mind.

Anyone who has ever had a little one knows how fast they seem to grow up.  Jerry and I were watching old videos of Max and it took my breath away to realize that something that seemed to happen yesterday, happened a year or more ago.  It reminded me that I need to get a video of one of Max's favorite words, "guys."  He is so funny how he calls the kids, "guys."  He sees them outside or knows they are up/downstairs and he wants to be with them or wants to show them something while we are driving in the car, he tries to get their attention, with "guys, guys."   Or how he says "beep beep" or "vroom" for trucks and cars.  Or his almost Boston/NY accent for how he says mom, "maamm, maamm."  This baby/toddler train I am on is one of the fastest there is and I would do anything to slow it down. 

Max's first real ride

Right now our days are filled with school, homework, housework, meals and errands, soccer on Saturdays and outings on Sundays.  Wild Waves is now open and we have spent our last two Sundays there riding rides (I realized on my first roller-coaster ride of the season with Saxton that my ability to handle the up and down and and upside down has faded.)  and playing in the water.  Last weekend Jerry and I wound up by ourselves in the lazy river with Max.  He was too little to go in, but I bragged about his swimming skills and they let us take him.  As we floated around and around he slowly became so relaxed he almost fell asleep, I did my best to take one of my mental videos and enjoy every moment.  Later Auntie Kendra held him as he slept for a while (she had forgotten her suit) and Jerry and I were able to ride some water rides with the kids.  I loved it.  I remember racing up the stairs with our rafts and our screams as we shot down the slides.  No cameras allowed, but that's okay, I have it stashed away in my mental album.  Sometimes old memories pop up of when my Ex and I would take the kids to Water World in Denver and I let them play.  After all, losing those would mean losing their childhood.

Life is flying by, but maybe that it isn't so bad.  That means I am happy.  I love my husband and our quiet moments together, doing things as simple as watching TV, playing Words with Friends, checking on the kids before we go to bed, going to Chambers and taking Puppy to the dog park and then the kids to the beach  or enjoying a meal at our favorite restaurant on the water and watching the boats go by.  Life is simple sometimes, but that doesn't mean the moments aren't still special.  Like last Sunday Brayden must have given me a dozen bear hugs in a row, for no reason.  He'll probably never know how much something as little as a quick hug, could mean so much. 

Monday I watched Sage sing the Star Spangled Banner at the AAA Rainier's game and giggled with her as we danced like crazy people on the jumbo tron and then waited after the game for autographs.  Memorial weekend Sage was at an overnight and Saxton and I went to the farmers market on a little date.  We walked around and had a wonderful day.  Today when we went back I smiled as she reported to Sage all that we had done and how much fun she had.  She is building her own video file to play back someday. 

In a few weeks I will be building new memories with my Savannah and Sam.  As we talk on the phone and get more excited to see each other we build the anticipation of those moments.  However I know my time with them will be my fastest train of all and I will be doing everything to slow it down. 

Music is funny, as I listen to the Dave Matthews song that is currently playing, my mind is remembering all sorts of things and I allow it to do so.  After all my memories are my journey and I respect the path I have been on and will enjoy the path that I continue to walk.  I just can't forget to attempt to slow down the train that might carry me and walk step by step instead. 


*"Stop This Train"
John Mayer

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

(think I got 'em now)