My Saxton

Today is the hardest day that the kids are gone, because today is Saxton's eighth birthday.  I woke up early this morning and started to think about her and the fact that there will be no birthday hugs today and it just broke my heart.  It is hard missing any day with your children, but their birthday is the worst.  Especially if you know me, I love birthdays and try and make a big deal about them.  We were able to celebrate her day at Grandma and Papa's, we even did the night before decorating so she wakes up to balloons and streamers, but today is still hard. 

I think the biggest aspect that makes her birthday so special is the fact that her birth was so scary.  She was born five weeks early due to my having pre-eclamsia.  They were not sure how she would be, but shortly after she was born she showed signs of major destress and they called the NICU to quickly take her.  I still remember how at that point I lost it.  I was such a mess.  They ended up having to intubate her and put her on a ventalator.  When I finally was able to see her, she was covered in tubes and wires.  The feeling of seeing her like that was one of the worst in my life. 

She was in the hospital a little over a week.  Each day she got a little better and I was able to hold her and then nurse her.  I think that was the hardest part, having to wait to do those two things.  I remember the first night they put me in a room with a mom and a her new baby and could hear her nursing the baby and cooing at him.  That was just too much, I wanted so badly to be doing the same thing and at that point I don't think I stopped crying all night.  When finally the time came to get to hold her it was in the middle of the night.  The first nurse I asked said that I would upset her and bother all her tubes and wires.  The head nurse heard this conversation and must have seen the heartache on my face and quickly came over, somewhat scolding her.  Saxton started to fuss at that point and the nurse carefully went through the process to move every thing and place her in my arms.  I will never forget feeling Saxton relax and fall back asleep.  She knew her momma.

So today is hard.  I didn't get to be with and hold Saxton on her "birth"day and it breaks my heart not to be with her today.  I am hopeful to get to talk to her and Skype with her, so I can at least see her today and take a Skype picture.  I know this sounds silly, but to me it will mean the world.  I just want to tell her I love her and miss her and have my sweet Sage give her a hug for me. 

I have been blessed by having several people read and follow my blog.  Some do it quietly and others send me messages of encouragement and friendship.  I blog for me for sure, but I also blog for my children.  I never want them to doubt how much they mean to me.  I stayed in a rocky relationship for a long time in hopes to keep my family together, it took me a long time to figure out that all it did was break us apart.  As I have said, this blog enables me to work through all that and allows me to express my love to my family, friends and my very sweet littles.

So today is rough, but it is also a celebration of my Saxton.  She is a beautiful and smiling soul.  Jerry and I often talk about how agreeable she is, kind and always full of smiles.  He told me the other day he misses her greeting him at his truck when he gets home from work, she hardly waits until his motor is off before popping up to say a smiley hello in his window.  Her heart is filled with gold and goodness.  I remember the night before we left there was a storm.  She came in the room and was standing by the bed.  I was just finished feeding Max and so I put him in his crib and told her to climb into bed with me.  I snuggled with her while the storm blew the power out.  We listened to the thunder and the rain and smiled in the dark, we weren't scared, we had eachother. 

As the summer drags on, parents begin to lose their patience with the fighting and activites and begin to count the days until their kids go back to school.  If you are one of those parents, I remember those days, but today think of Saxton and I.  Think of me and how I will be counting the days for a different reason.  I will instead be counting the days until my littles come home and their beautiful noise fills the house again, and I have 24 more to go...

Happy Birthday Saxton!  I love you, miss you and thank God for you everyday!!!