I said good-bye to the kids four days ago, but it feels like much longer than that.  I have been able to talk to them, although it sounds like my ex is not too happy about that.  What he doesn't realize is that they are still little, Saxton is just short of eight and Sage is nine and they are used to being with their mom.  I remember when I was their age I had a hard time going for an overnight, let alone being away from my mom for five weeks.  It is an eternity for me, I imagine it is hard for them as well.

Slowly but surely I have been puting the house back together.  Like I wrote in a previous post, I knew this day would come and it is here.  Instead of running the dishwasher twice a day, now it is once twice a week.  The laundry isn't going around the clock and the sheets are in the same spot they were left almost three weeks ago.  I still can't make their beds because I like that the last time they were used was from them.  I am sad because Sam really sad he liked the new sheets he got on his new bed.  I told him he could bring home his pillow and pillow case and in the hustle and bustle of leaving, we forgot.  Now I wonder if he wants me to send it to him.

Savannah's bed is the hardest.  I have been able to shut the other two bedroom doors and go in occassionally, but she shared a room with Max so I see her bed all the time.  And it makes me sad that she is not sleeping in it.  Jerry told me to give it a few days, don't go in their rooms if it makes me really sad.  He also took the day off on Wednesday and ended up taking me out of the house for several hours so I wouldn't be so sad everytime I walked into an empty room.  He understands how I miss them and wants to make it better.

We hardly ever eat out when the kids are here because we really try to feed them a homecooked (mostly by Jerry) meal and leave plenty of time for homework, ect... but we have eaten out the last few nights.  Getting out of the house has been good for me.  Brayden has been with his mom, so it has just been Max and us.  It's funny how quiet dinner is even with an eleven month old when you are used to having five older siblings along.  I remember going to IHOP with the kids shortly before we left.  We had gone to Chamber's one last time and it was late when we left so we decided on breakfast for dinner.  The kids were so cute, entertaining themselves and Max.  Now I believe he looks for them, wondering where they all went.

Jerry has been wonderful and patient.  He knows the hardest thing in the world for me is to be apart from the kids.  Last night we went for a date.  We had Kate come watch Max and we went down to the waterfront to Katy Downs, a 21 and over restraunt.  Our dinner was awesome and we had a relaxing evening.  However, he didn't say a word when Sage called and my attention turned to her, he even joined along in our conversation.   I know he misses them too.

I was talking with an old friend today who is also recently divorced.  She has a new friend in her life and she started explaining about it... I told her I understood.  I too have a history and story that on paper to those who don't know me looks questionable.  But for those who do know me, who know what I have been through and am still going through, they don't question or judge.  How could I stand to be apart from my littles? I can't.  I miss them every minute of every day.  I can't wash their sheets or make their bed because I don't want to lose that weird connection with them.  But I know that because of the choices I made that when they come home it will be to a happy mom.  They will come home to love and patience and a constant hum of stability.  They'll come home to a tearful mom who will be hugging them so hard and telling them she missed them... until then... I'm waiting.