My sweet Sam

Taken February 10, 2005

Love.  These two photos are priceless to me. I love how peaceful both Sam and Saxton look, sleeping like babies.    They remind me of all the times I found one of my little ones out of their bed and snuggled up with a sibling.  For some reason they woke up scared or lost and somehow found themselves searching for a safe place to sleep, to find comfort in another.  They also remind me of what a sweet boy I have.  My little Sam was a doll baby from the moment he was born.  This kind, soft soul with a heart of gold.  When I was pregnant with Sage he was just one, but already had the notion to treat me with gentleness and loved to kiss and talk to my tummy.  Sam was three when Saxton was born and just as excited, the smile on his face when he saw his new baby sister is an image i'll never forget.  He's an amazing brother and I'm so blessed to have him as my first born son.  I love you Bubbie, to the moon and stars and back!

You are beautiful inside and out!

Despite many people thinking otherwise, I wasn't surprised, but instead truly grateful to find out my first baby was going to be a little girl.  It was January 1998 and my Ex and I were in Indianapolis having our first ultrasound.  Shortly after the tech gave us the good news, she saw something that obviously upset her.  She sent us to the waiting room and even though we thought we were done, we were called back for the Doctor to have another look.  With a long face, the doctor informed us that my cervix might already be shortening and I might go into premature labor.  I was only 21 weeks or so and it was way too early.


I remember going home in tears with a heavy heart and an appointment the next day at the hospital for a high definition ultra sound.  Never will I forget the sick feeling in my stomach and the worry that enveloped me that I might lose my baby.  After all, my prayers had been answered and she was otherwise healthy and beautiful.


The next day I drove by myself to the hospital and after getting undressed, had to lay in this huge, cold room.  I remember how sterile it seemed and how scared I felt.  However, just minutes later the new tech informed me that there must have been some mistake, that everything looked fine and that my tiny one would be okay.  I cried again, but this time they were tears of joy.  I smiled the whole way home.

Now she is almost grown, a beautiful fifteen year old with a sunshine smile that could light up even the darkest room.  I can't imagine my life without her.  She has been my little co-pilot, riding along a sometimes very treacherous journey with me.  She's this gorgeous sprite and I often can't believe that she is mine.  How could I be so lucky to have created something so spectacular, a true gift from God.



Life is hard, growing up is never easy.  The judgement that we sometimes inflict on ourselves is often ten times worse than what anyone else could do.  As a parent, if I can give anything to my children, it would be the knowledge that they are all perfectly made and special because of their individual gifts, personalities and beauty.  You can always compare yourself to others, tell yourself that they are prettier than you, smarter than you, ect... That's not allowed, because they are not you, never could they be you, nor give to the world all the sparkle that only you can give, the love only you can show.  You are a treasure.

 

My little Savannah, you have no idea how wonderful you are, how I miss you when you are gone and pray everyday for your brightness to return.  You are beautiful, inside and out.  I love you to the moon and stars and back!

Solo Swimming in the Big Pool.

A week ago my little Max took a literal leap away from me and into the big pool all by himself.  Yes, there was an instructor catching him, but hopefully you get my point.  As I stood watching him in his very first Super Pike swimming class (he tested right out of Pike, my little fish) I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I looked beyond him and saw the parent-child class that we had been in just a few weeks earlier and I couldn't believe how time has flown by.  Weeks pass like days and my littlest one, after just under three years of lessons with mom, has now flown the aquatic nest.  

I expected tears when I left him with his teacher and I got them, not from him, he was all smiles, no they came from me.  At first I was surprised as the almost subconscious emotions caused my eyes to water and then spill over my cheeks.  However  I soon realized, that this is was the faithful and all too familiar feeling of letting go.   Flashes of the past began to cross my mind; first days of pre-school and then kindergarten that have morphed into sobbing in an airport terminal.  There is nothing quite like the heartbreak of letting your babies go. 

I'm confident the ensuing good-byes won't get any easier, time and experience has proven as much.  None the less, today during swimming when Max's eyes met mine, as his smile grew bigger and he waved a big ol' wave, I realized something... That the sweet moments that lead up to those emotional cross-roads and the love that then is carried beyond them, is what makes this crazy life all worth while.  

Life isn't always how you perceive it.

Life isn't how you perceive it.

A puddle formed by the rain in a muddy field can allow for a perfect reflection of a gorgeous sunset.  

A walk and a three year old's bike ride can turn into a photo shoot.

All of the ugliness can be tossed aside allowing only the perfection of nature's art to remain.  

 

After all, If I can teach my children anything, it is to see beauty in even the muddiest of situations.

Our little, big Max.

Whoever knew the nearly proper pronounciation of the word elephant would make the kids and I so sad today. Max can say "el-phant" versus "ela-fa-nent." He even properly said truck... versus the explicative version he's only ever said before.  As the kids quizzed him on other words, we all realized that our little Max is growing up. 

Today I signed him up for big boy swim lessons.  After almost three years of parent child classes I'm sad to be seeing my little guy moving on.  But he was ready, proudly swimming the whole length of the pool by himself last Wednesday, with only the aid of a puddle hopper.  Way to go Max!

Tonight after soccer, Sage was telling me how she was sad about her baby brother becoming a big boy.  When we arrived home, she raced upstairs to see if he was awake.  He was in bed, but not sleeping, so she snuck in his room.  We could hear the two of them giggling, sharing little secrets all their own.   

A little later, after she headed to bed and he called for me, I had my own snuggle time.  I rocked and sang him a few lullabies, including "sister Savannah's song." Yes, he might be growing up, but like his older siblings, he'll always be my baby. 

Good-night to all my babies.  I love you to the moon and stars and back.  

I heart Twilight

A button says a thousand words.  

Tonight when I was getting out of my car, there on the dashboard was this button.  It had literally appeared out of thin air and I hadn't seen it since Savannah, Sam, Max and I took our super long day trip this summer up to the isolated city of Forks, Washington.  For those of you who don't know, Forks is the backdrop for the Twilight series.  We had decided late on a Sunday night to head out early the next day to Forks, a trip prompted by Sam's desire to see Vampires.  This button is the second sign in two days.  You might laugh and say I could seek out signs all day long and that's true.  However the difference is, these have sought out me.  I don't think they are coincidences, these signs.  Instead they are little gifts to get me through the days until I can see my two oldest babies again.  

 

My little ladybug

My little lady bug…

This afternoon, I was cleaning, taking the recycling out, rushing about my day, when out of the blue, a little lady bug landed on my arm.  It stayed there for just a moment, an unspoken message.

My Savannah and I were on the phone a few days ago and she told me about a ladybug that had made it all the way up into her room.  I laughed and told her that I had sent it, my love had found her.  

So you see, today when I saw my own little visitor

gently landing on my sleeve, I knew she had sent it in return.

Love is amazing.  No matter the distance, the circumstances, no matter what, true love, a mother's love, knows no bounds.  

I love you sweet girl, to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back.

Below is an excerpt from the book Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You 

by Nancy Tillman

And if someday you're lonely, 

or someday you're sad, 

or you strike out at baseball, 

or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of the sea...

in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...

in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved," they all say.