Today you became a teenager and I became a mom of one. It is hard for me to believe. I laid awake last night and early this morning thinking about what I would write to you. How do you really explain how much you love your child? It is nearly impossible sweet girl. I guess I can only start from the beginning.
I remember the day I found out about you. It was just a few days after my 21st birthday. It was raining that day and I took a break from work to go and take a pregnancy test. When it came out positive I was so shocked I got lost on the way back to work, even though I had driven that route a hundred times. But what I remember most about that drive was the awesome realization that you existed. You were only just a speck just beginning to grow, but I loved you from that moment.
The day you were born my life truly changed. I had never felt such love for anything before in my life. You were beautiful and wonderful. I was scared and nervous, but in awe at what a miracle you were. One thing I remember about being a brand new mom was that I could not stand it if you cried. I would try and do anything to make you happy. I used to dance with you to Dave Matthews. During your bath time I would turn off the lights, light candles and sing to you. Then I would give you baby massages. I used to push you in the stroller to the store to prevent having to put you in the car... you were not a fan. I remember once on the way home from Target you started screaming, you were hungry. So I sat in the middle of the median breastfeeding you, traffic all around, not caring because you were happy. Another time, when you were just three weeks old, I was driving home from a Cubs game and you were very upset. I could hardly drive, I was so sad because you were crying so hard. Then I reached behind my seat and found your hand. Your little fingers found mine and you were quiet. I stayed like that for the rest of the way home, it didn't matter that my arm went tingly and then numb, you were content and I wasn't willing to risk making you upset by letting go.
When you were little we went everywhere together, you even went to work with me. When you were just four weeks old we were full time nannys. You came along as I drove kids to their horse lessons or to the mall. You hung out with me as I did dishes and cleaned their house. When we moved from Chicago to Indiana you continued to come with me as I babysat. I loved that I could take you along. I nursed you and you would not touch a bottle, in fact you would clamp your mouth shut, so it was a blessing that I could keep you close.
If I went out with my friends for dinner, along you came. Your dad worked as a bar tender at night so I was on my own a lot, and I used to joke that you were my date. You were much like you are now, full of smiles and laughs. One of my favorite memories was when you and I were driving by ourselves in my old pick-up. There was no back seat, so your car seat was right next to me. The song, "Girls just wanna have fun" came on and I began belting out the words. You were the best audience, smiling, giggling and bouncing in your seat. You are still my song partner, I still love belting out the words while driving along, the difference is now you can sing along with me.
When your first birthday came around it really hit me, I was a mom. As I decorated the garage with balloons and set up tables and chairs I felt so happy, I was the luckiest mom in the world. Here was this beautiful creature and she was all mine. The best part was when your birthday cake was put in front of you. At first you studied it, then lightly touched it and then slowly started attacking it. I laughed so hard I cried. Everyone was watching, laughing, taking pictures of you. All of your grandparents were there, aunts and uncles and friends. They were all loving you. Celebrating you.
I know this year was a little different. A little quieter maybe. But one thing has not changed, and that is how very much I love you. You have grown into this spirited, funny, bright, intelligent, beautiful young lady. In a way we have grown up, gone through a lot together and I am so grateful that I have had with you by my side, even if sometimes it is only in spirit. Our love knows no boundaries. No matter how many miles are between us, we are locked together, forever in our hearts. My love will never end, and as our book says, wherever you are, my love will find you.
I Love you my sweet, baby girl.
Love, Mom
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