I just lost it.

Snapchat I sent to Savannah!

This morning Max found a school picture of Savannah "sister."  He showed it to me and told me about "sister" as he calls her these days.  He even put her picture to "sleep" and then they watched Thomas together.  Then, out of the blue, he talked about Savannah and Sam coming.  He says "they are going to pick me up."  It made me both happy and sad for Max to talk about them.  I lost it though when I found Max at the front window waiting for them to come, for some reason he thought they would be there.  I too wished more than anything he was right, but knowing in reality they were hundreds of miles away.  Now I am just sitting here crying, missing my two oldest babies like crazy.

Some days are better than others, but it's times like this that I don't know if my heart can take them being gone for so long.  This week is especially hard because Sam's thirteenth birthday is on Sunday.  I can't believe he is going to be a teenager and I wish that I was able to be there with him.  This morning I found some socks of his from his toddler days and felt a sentimental pang when I put them on Max.  The sweatshirt Max is wearing was also Sam's, these are the hand-me-downs I just adore.  

The choice to get divorced in order to bring a healthier life for your children and yourself is a really hard decision and one I did not make lightly.  I believe that our quality of life has improved and we're slowly healing after what we have all gone through. Unfortunately, some of the residual pain and time away from my little ones is something I am sure I will never get over, nor get used to.  They are my heart and soul. 

Love to all of my babies and special hugs and kisses across the miles to my Savannah and Birthday Boy Sam.  I love you to the moon and stars and back!