Have you ever smiled and cried at the same time?

A week from today is my Sam's twelfth birthday.  He will be just a year from being a teenager and I can't believe it!  Today when I was talking to Savannah on the phone and she was going through old pictures, I began to look at some too and came across some Cd's of old pictures of when Sam was a baby and Savannah was just two.  As I looked at the pictures I was caught in that web of feeling both happiness and sadness simultaneously. 

I remember each picture like I took it yesterday.  Each memory began to play like a home video in my mind.  I remember having my best friend Lauri over with her two boys and the kids playing in the pool and us trying to get a picture of the babies and them holding hands.  It was a hot Indiana summer day and the kids had a blast swimming in the blow-up pool in my front yard.  I remember how excited Lauri and I were when we found out we were both pregnant with boys, we were determined they were going to be best friends like her and I were.

There are several of Savannah and Sam and I in New Mexico.  I flew there with them and my baby sister Colleen.  I remember on our landing into Albuquerque our landing gear broke and we had to crash land.  I was holding Sam so hard and poor Colleen had Savannah in the seat in front of me.  It was scary and when we got off the plan my mom was having a cardiac arrest.  She saw our plan disappear and thought we were goners, poor mom.

I loved that trip.  My mom, sister's and I went on hikes in the desert and swam in my mom's pool.  I remember loving it when Sam would pass out on me at the end of the day.  Sam shared his first laughs with us and Savannah would crack us up with her two year old antics.  I won't forget the time that I had Savannah on my back in the carrier and Sam on my front.  I have a picture of it, but I was only wearing my nursing bra (when you hike in the desert in the summer, it's hot and you don't often see anyone else.) and I don't think anyone wants to see that. 

Sam was such a beautiful baby and so sweet.  He loved to be loved and eat and smile.  I don't ever remember him being fussy.  It was love at first sight when he was born, something you almost can't describe unless you have felt it yourself.  The fact that he is hundreds of miles away almost kills me sometimes.  I miss him and Savannah so much it hurts.

Savannah as a toddler was an adventure.  She didn't talk much but knew how to scale cabinets at an early age to get her hands on some peanut butter.  I remember the day I let her play in the mud.  She just had a ball and thought it was so much fun to play in the magical sandbox that appeared after a rainstorm. 

Savannah had a little friend that lived down the street and loved to play with her.  We used to go to the park and swing and take walks around the neighborhood to feed the geese and ducks. 

I didn't know what true love was until my children were born.  When Savannah first arrived I was introduced to a love that I never knew existed and then when Sam came I felt it all over again.  I remember a few days after Sam was born I was with him all day by myself.  A girlfriend had taken Savannah to play and I spent the whole day just looking at Sam.  As I was rocking him near the end of the day I took a mental picture, I knew that time would fly and this moment would be gone, but that moment and the immense love I feel for Sam has never left my heart. 

I had a similar moment with Savannah when she was just a few months old.  I was already realizing how fast the time was flying and how days were gone in a blur.  She was asleep on me, like a bug, her little butt up in the air.  I kissed her head and told myself I would never forget this moment.  The fact that she is going to be fourteen just blows me away.  As I sit here with tears in my eyes, how do I tell her how much I love her? How do I pass that on to her? 

My past catches up with me everyday.  Sometimes it is moments like this when I can relive the days of my oldest babies lives.  I could go on and discuss how I got from those moments to where we are today, but this post is not the place.  This post is another love letter to my Savannah and Sam, to let them know that I have never left them, wherever they are my love is there.  They always hold a wonderfully special place in my heart and a huge place in my life.  My heart and my love are always there for them.  I love you both so much.