Lego Boy

It's often a joke among parents that Legos are our nemesis.  Their pointy little edges feel like knives when you step on them, and they seem to multiply and strategically place themselves in the most precarious of places, especially in the middle of night when you least expect it.  

All of this went through my mind tonight when I literally ran into a pile of them while hurrying to gather my six year old's animals for bedtime.  However, I didn't curse them this time, instead I actually felt sad.  I suddenly realized someday these will be gone, no longer scattered about because in his mind he'll be too old for them and he'll be on to other things.  

So tonight I'll cherish that he loves his animals surrounding him in bed, lullabies and goodnight kisses. I won't mind finding a little person who's crawled in bed beside me in the middle of the night because he's had a bad dream, blanket and pillow forts in the hallway, or foam nerf bullets in my laundry.  Instead tonight I'll rejoice in Legos, match box cars and all the other things that represent my sweet little Max.  I'm very content to let them be, simply because I know they belong to a sweet little boy who won't be little for long... 

My Sam

Today's my Sam's Sweet 16 birthday and I just wanted to shine the light on him for a moment.  Someone once said, having children isn't a right, it's a privilege.  This is so true.  They are a gift and it is our job to do our best to love them and cherish them like one.  They are the purest example of unconditional love.  My Sam is all of this. 

So, on his special day, I would like to share a few stories about him in order to exemplify his kind heart...

The first took place in the summer of 2014.  It was the morning when we were all leaving to go home. Sam was going to Indiana and I was going back to Washington.  We'd been together almost non stop for a month and my heart was so sad that it was time to leave.  I got up early to go for one last swim and Sam who was asleep in my room woke up and said he would come too.  So as the sun came up I swam out to the middle of the lake with my sweet Sam in the kayak next to me.  We talked and just shared a peaceful moment together.  Most teenagers would have chosen sleep over an early wake up call... But not my Sam.  

Fast forward to just this past January and again it was our last day together.  I suggested one last hike the next day before we had to all had to say goodbye and fly home.  Several of the kids said they'd go, but when morning came and it was cold and frozen outside, they all backed out... Except for my Sam.  There he was dressed and ready to go with my mom and I.  It was freezing out and we slipped, slid and actually even a fell a few times throughout our hike that morning, but it was still priceless because we were together.  

Sam, I hope you know that today and everyday I thank my lucky stars that God gave me you.  You're amazing and I love you more than all the stars and moons in the sky... Until I can hug you in person, I'm hugging you with my heart.  Happy Birthday. Love, Mom

Power of Music

I've always had either songs or music as part of my little ones bedtime.  I believe in the power they have in helping to calm the spirit.  One of my favorite examples is how I listened to Andrea Bocelli when I was pregnant with Saxton and after she was born, his music would stop her from crying.  Now it's one of Max's favorites. 

I thought about this at clinical on Tuesday when one of the residents was riding up and down in his scooter listening to Reba.  Everyone really enjoyed it.

So Later, when I was talking to one of my patient's wife, I asked her what type of music her husband liked, as he was a stroke victim and couldn't verbalize well.  She said he liked classical, so I decided to play Max's bedtime playlist him and It was amazing how he responded. You could tell he loved it.  When Andrea Bocelli's Time To Say Goodbye started playing, it looked like he was mouthing the words.  His wife and a guest who was also visiting couldn't believe it.  It was like an awakening.

Later, during his trach care and suctioning, which aren't pleasant, I decided to play the playlist again and he seemed to tolerate the treatment better.   It's inspired me to try and bring more music into the healthcare setting and when possible, play it when I can for my patients.  After all, you never if it might be the magic tool that will help awaken the soul. 

 

Tough Going Today

It actually started a few days ago, that aching feeling when it's getting close to Savannah and Sam leaving.  My heart gets heavy and a knot settles in the back of my throat.  I try not to cry, but eventually mind over matter doesn't work anymore.  The hours feel like they're minutes and before I know it, it's time to say goodbye.  This morning Sam, my mom and I took one last hike.  As we turned to head back home, the emptiness settled in.  

Unfortunately circumstances today made the goodbye even harder and as I stood at the edge of the security line keeping me from two of my loves, the all too familiar heart wrenching feeling settled in.   The rest of the day I sort of felt numb, but as I landed tonight and the reality set in about the distance between us, I lost it all over again.  I just want my babies back.

Life sometimes becomes so hectic and our concerns become distorted by meaningless stresses. But for a few days and especially during particularly sweet moments, life made sense and my heart felt complete.  For now it's those memories I treasure and cling to as the rest of my world feels torn apart.  

I love you Savannah and Sam to the moon and stars and back.  

I miss you so much it hurts.

I wish you were here.