Beautifully Sad Secrets

What is the conversation between two broken souls?

Even if we heard every word,

the meaning would still be illusive.*

I have been missing from writing, but not do to lack of life moments.  When I fall off the writing wagon I get frustrated with myself.  Especially when things are happening that I want to hold onto with words.  Since I last wrote, my husband and I shared a quiet, yet sweet Christmas Eve with family and friends and our littlest Max.  Christmas morning was bittersweet because it lacked our five oldest, yet was filled with the magic of Santa Claus.  Max didn't quite understand at first that all the presents were his, and insisted on distributing them to his siblings and us.  This warmed our hearts that he wanted to do such a thing.  My husband and I stole away Christmas night to Vegas for a few days, putting Christmas on hold until the twenty ninth when we were able to have all six of our babies under one roof.   The "quiet" time together was wonderful. 

Wild Waves December 30th 2013

The visit with all of the littles was like medicine to the soul.  The ability to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight was probably my favorite of all.  It allowed me to quietly let them know how very much they mean to me and how desperately I miss them when they are gone.  We had a blast at Wild Waves, our New Year's Eve Blast and in Seattle (a few times).  Just hearing all their voices through the house was like heaven.  I was blessed by mother nature and was able to keep Savannah and Sam three extra days.  We took advantage of this (and grandma and papa's kindness to keep Max) and took another day trip into the city.  I called it a photography adventure, where I captured my two oldest at a variety of locations.  At the end of the day we got caught in a monsoon and as we ran through the rain, I'm sure all of Seattle could hear us laughing and screaming.  I loved it.

Just before we went home, we stopped at a pier and I captured a few more photos.  They are of Savannah, the city and the waterfront.  Seattle has won my heart and become the home I have searched much of my life for.  To capture my first born in my beloved hometown was priceless.

*I love the picture of Savannah and Sam under the umbrella.  It portrays my life perfectly.  The umbrella is in focus and represents the happiness in my life that I share openly... my babies, my husband, my family and friends, my wonderful home and my beloved Seahawks (who won the Super Bowl in case you didn't know.) However the unfocused portion is how my quote under the photograph came to me while looking at it for the first time.  It might be a photo you'd erase because it's out of focus, but it's meant to be that way.  We're not meant to see the emotion, hear the conversation that is going on.  The nighttime tears that are shed and the desperate truths that are told.  It's a secret that is carried by those who have felt true heartache and even truer love.  I've poured out my heart here many times trying to express the feeling of being away from my babies, but ultimately it is so deep, so intense, so personal, that I'll never be able to clearly explain it.  And maybe that's okay, maybe that's the way it's meant to be.

Something's just can't be rebuilt.

Something's just can't be rebuilt.  This might sound negative, but it's the conclusion I've come to after dealing with everything that's been rattling around in my brain the last few days. Someone commented on my post showing the destruction in Colorado, they pointed out the fact that they'll rebuild the road to Estes and life will go on.  While the point is valid, it just doesn't take into consideration all the damage done in the meantime, the homes lost, the landscape that's been changed and what's happened to innocent people's lives.  All of that can't be perfectly rebuilt.  Something's will never be able to be the same.  

Today I was looking at old pictures, which is always very bittersweet and emotional.  I came across some of the kids at Estes Park (and the morning before we left) when we took my sister, niece and the kid's grandpa who were visting.  The kids all looked so little and unassuming.  Little did they know what was ahead of them, how their life as they've known it would be gone in one fail swoop of a signature on separation papers. A moment of calm before the storm.  

Yes, they'll rebuild, but in a different way.  Hopefully they will take into consideration what has taken place and how they can try to prevent the same thing from happening again.  There will be new homes, new memories made.  However the old ones will still linger, in  photographs and stories, hopefully preventing all the destruction that took place from truly taking everything. 

Hike for Love.

I took this of Savannah hiking in the trees.

There is currently a virtual race on Facebook called a Run for the White House for Childhood Cancer.  I have blogged about it previously, but wanted to bring light to it again tonight, because as I was running this evening, I realized just how much it has become a daily part of my life, even affecting the choices I make.  

A good Samaritan took a picture of all four of us.

This was the case yesterday when instead of heading home, we decided to stay and hike down to one more beach in our spontaneous visit to far Northeastern Washington.  I had found out that in order to get to this particular beach, we had to hike almost a mile through rain forest.  Part of the reason behind my stopping is because I did the math and I knew with all three of us hiking (Max was in a pack on my back), it would add at least four and half miles to our total for the day.  With my oldest two here and having to pack my house for our hopeful move next week, I have not been able to get as many miles in and that has bothered me.  (I joked today that I need to get a pedometer because of how much I'm on my feet and making trips up and down the stairs.)

Sam hiked out to this rock!  He loved it!

 So we decided on the hike and I am so glad we did, the forest was gorgeous and the beach was stunning.  I remember walking through the waves with Savannah and telling her about the virtual walk and it being the deciding factor for doing this hike instead of heading home.  We both stopped and said a little prayer for the little ones we are running/walking/hiking/biking for.  With them as my inspiration, they gave me the gift of an unforgettable memory.

Sam took this of Savannah, Max and I.  He's kissing my cheek!

It is often said to not let the suffering of a child (or anyone for the matter) to be done in vain.  Instead, hold them in your heart as a reminder to not take life for granted and that each day is precious.  My experience at the ocean also taught me to cherish the moments where life surprises you and pauses for a moment of pure joy.  Thank you Brian for being a beacon to so many in your quest to help bring light to the tragedy of Childhood Cancer.  This hike is in honor of you, your son and all the little ones battling cancer.       

Savannah capturing a bit of the sea and sand to remember the day.

Four am and wide awake.

I haven't been able to sleep.  It's almost like having a new baby and that adrenaline that you feel in those first days.  Yesterday morning I woke up at four and actually went and crawled in bed with Savannah (Sam is in a twin bed, she has always won the queen.)  I have just missed them so much and knowing they are here makes each morning feel like Christmas.  But just like Christmas, this too shall end and on Friday, Sage and Saxton head to Indiana to their dad's and I will be left with that empty feeling again.  So today (when I was laying in bed wide awake at 4, again,) I had the idea to all go to Saxton's class for lunch and surprise her.  (Saxton has a summer birthday and never is able to celebrate during school.)  So after we got home from walking the girls to school, we made a Safeway run and bought birthday cup cakes (made special for her at the request of my hubby).   All five of her siblings were there (Sage was even able to come to her room) and she was able to show them off.  It was very sweet (no pun intended) and God bless her teacher who let me and my brood invade his space.

The rest of the day the kids just hung out and after dinner we met their Aunt, Uncle and Cousin at the house to show them it's progress and then came back to our current house for desert.  Even with one child short, the house was still fill buzz with all the kiddos running around.  But I loved it.  The noise reminds me they're here.  (As does the laundry, which has been going pretty much non stop.  It may sound nuts, but it makes me happy to have all the reminders of a full house, which I know soon enough will start to empty.)

Yesterday I was driving in the car with all of them and the reality of having all of my babies in the same place was so overwhelming.  Just the simple act of having them all together, it didn't matter what we were doing, it just felt so wonderful.  Last night I attempted to capture this by taking pictures of all six of them.  (It was one of my last opportunities where I had all six together.)  This was quite humorous and successful in the fact that they all agreed to sit still in the same place for more than sixty seconds.  We bribed Max with Chocolate, tried to include Puppy and then realized that was another complication.  It was quite the undertaking.  I guess that's the joy of taking your own photos, if it doesn't work out, you're not out any money.  For me, they don't have to be perfect, I just love that all their little faces, even if just for a moment, are together.

Silly faces!

Sill faces.  Saxton thought I said serious faces.

Savannah trying to tell Puppy to go to dad.

Puppy comes to mom instead.

This is for all you mommas out there who need a shout out!

I made a goal, a blog a day and so here goes...

First, sorry Savannah, but this is a mom blog, talking about my day, an average day, of a mom.  

Tonight I was reading Facebook and started noticing all the moms who were writing posts about how they were tired, fed up and at their wits end.  It prompted me to think about my day and I was curious if their's was similar to mine.

I woke up with Jerry at six this morning and was off to the races.  We are still in school here, so I had to get three kiddos ready and one two year old dressed so he could come along for the ride.  Then to give you the Reader's Digest version, I took Brayden to school, ran a few errands, went home to get my forgotten phone and headed to the grocery store.  I got done just in time to get the girls from school.  Home.  Made dinner, more cleaning, dishes, Max to bed, laundry.  Some work from home and then off to get Brayden from school.  Back to the grocery for some forgotten items. Check on home construction.  Home.  Get kids organized and ready for soccer, feed dinner to the littles and head to the YMCA for two soccer practices.  I did get a five mile run in while I was there (that was purely on fumes.)  Home.  Shower time, bath time, bed time, dinner time and thanks to my sweet hubby, movie time.  Whew!  And that folks was the Reader's Digest version.

Yes ladies, I know some of you are tired, fed up and probably feeling a bit at your wits end.  However, just know that you are not alone.  You have others out there to vent to and who are willing to give you the empathy that you need.  It is hard.  We do have to be chauffeur, counselor, tutor, personal shopper,  coach, fitness instructor, cook, maid, nurse and teacher.  However, just remember, when the day is done and it's time for good night hugs and kisses, when you feel those little arms wrap you in a tight squeeze, you know it's all worth it.  You are appreciated.  I appreciate you.  All of you who have had a rough day, I am hoping tomorrow is better.  Trust me, I am living, breathing, proof that this to shall pass.

This is dedicated to all of my babies.  You are all the best of me and I love you all to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back!

Savannah, you prompted me today to write about a current issue.  I hope I did you proud.  There is nothing more current then a modern day mom's struggle to just make it through the day.  If she can do that, then she has won, no matter what anyone says.

       

September 10, 2004 When the past becomes present.

I found an old journal of mine and contemplated on what to share.  It was hard to read what I wrote and I contemplated on what to share tonight.  I decided to play it safe and type word for word my recollections of Savannah (6) , Sam (4) , Sage (2) and Saxton (13 months).  This is typed word for word.  The side notes are thoughts I added this evening.  

May 2004 Florida:
First time in the ocean

Sam is an "ultra sensitive child."  He's rather be naked than clothed.  He has been carrying some new underwear and shorts I got him a week or so ago around.  In the am he puts them on the couch in the family room and then takes them to bed with him at night.  He is super picky about what he wears. 

Side note:  I totally remember this.  I think I have a picture somewhere of his neat bed and his little tidy pile of his stuff.  He is still that way, he has little mementos and things from years ago and takes care of them.  Sam has always been organized and conscious of his things and personal hygiene.  I remember he would change his clothes if he got even one drop of water on them.  My cute, sweet, sensitive Sam.

Sage is a sweet girl, but into EVERYTHING!  She loves my contact solution, starting baths and playing with the bath soap.  Oh and toilet paper!  Wednesday (9/8) she peed on the potty and pooped last week on the potty as well.  She loves her Bubby (bear) and now the Halloween cat I got her on 9/7.    She often takes her diaper off and tries to clean her own poop.  Messy! 

Side note:  my little seek and destroy.  She was so quiet in her antics.  All this and she was only two and a half!  i still have her Bubby, as he ended up becoming a part of our family.  It's funny, she just asked about when she became potty trained... now she can read about it.

Saxton is a wonderful baby.  Fussing mostly only when she wants food or drink.  She smiles all the time.   She can stand on her own from sitting (has been doing that for about a month), but gets nervous and drops down when you try and get her to walk.  She sucks her thumb still and likes to suck with fuzzys like Sage and will often suck with left behind fuzz from Sage.  She sleeps well and naps well.  (Now Sam is back in her room.) Sage and Savannah are together in the front room sharing a mattress.

Side note:  Saxton was a good baby.  I was really lucky to have really sweet babies.  They didn't sleep too well until they were about a year, but they were so pleasant that I overlooked that part.  I must note, that little Savannah was a bit of a stinker with bedtime, I think because she was the first and I was only 21-22 years old, so what did I know?)

Savannah is a little "grown" person.  She picks out her own outfits and even reminds me of when she needs to go to the bus.  I got her an outfit today with a pretty "S" on the front in pink because I want her to know I love and think about her.  She told me yesterday she was winning the gold star competition for reading well and quiet.  She can be a bit of a "tattler," but I rely on her a lot to help with the kids.

Side note:  Savannah has been a hoot from a very early age, maybe even birth.  She had a twinkle in her eye out of the gate and sometimes, as a little person, it was hard to tell if she was smirking or smiling, in fact that's still the case.  I tell her that some people sparkle, some shine, but she goes a step further and has an iridescence about her.  She, like all my babies, is special and I love that they all beat to their own drums.

I remember when they were all small, this age in fact and people would see me out.  They often questioned if they were all mine and I would reply yes.  Then they would inevitably say, "you sure have your hands full."  It was almost as if I was holding four pumpkins I was about to drop.  I guess I did have my hands full, but also my heart.  Today as I read my own words and replay the memories in my mind, I would do almost anything to go back and scoop each one of those babies up and snuggle them at that age again.  Then I would get my sh*t together and not subject them for five more years to the fighting and ugliness they had to endure.

Having said that, I guess the blessing is, that at least I am reading these words while finally in a stable and loving relationship.  Additionally, in just a few days, (ten days, 22 hours and 16 seconds to be exact), I can finally hug my two oldest babies close and make some new memories.  Until then, I am grateful to have found this time capsule and still up in the air about what to share.  I had a lot to say back then and shared most of it solely to journal.  Maybe it's time for some of those thoughts to go beyond the pages that up until now have contained them.

May 2004:  Walt Disney World Mickey's Playhouse.

 

Pee Parties and other little Victories of Motherhood...

In honor of Mother's Day, I contemplated what to write about.  It came to me as I thought of myself jumping around, clapping and cheering in the family restroom at Kohl's on Monday. It's the little victories that lead to such things as pee parties, which matter most.  Max and I had walked over to Kohl's while we were waiting for our tire to get fixed at Les Schwab.  I had to use the restroom and decided on going family style so I didn't have to worry about Max crawling under the stall door and escaping.  Oh happy day, sure they had the regular run-of-the-mill toilet, but they also had a very attractive toddler toilet that gained Max's utmost attention.  He hadn't peed on the toilet for me yet, but with his growing excitement for this mini-commode, I thought I'd try.  So I put on a seat cover (of course) and he sat down and peed!  I whooped and hollered in a most animated fashion, which made him excited!  Moments later, just before I was able to get him back in his diaper and clothes; the guy called to tell me our car was ready.  While I was talking to him, Max sat back down and peed more.  I quickly hung up and started the party all over again!  This was a big moment after all.  (Max did get to pick out a prize afterward; the toys were right outside the bathroom and made it too easy.  Although it must be noted, I didn't promise him any such reward prior, he had honestly chosen to pee on his own accord!)

These pee parties and the like are the best part of being a mommy.   They get us through the trials and tribulations of mother-hood.  With this trend of the great roller coaster in mind, I was able to help Sage the other day after her soccer game.  It was the first of the outdoor season and Sage had made not one, not two, but three goals!  She was the only one to score and helped her team win their game.  However, instead of being happy, she was in her "sage mode" and worried her teammates would view her as a ball hog.  I looked at her and told her no, she wasn't a ball hog, just in the right place at the right time.  Going further, I reminded her about the team that she and Saxton were on last spring that didn't win a game, often didn't even have a full 9 person team and were held to just a couple of goals the whole season.  I reminded her that even in such tough conditions, they didn't give up and went to every game and played their hearts out.  As a mom I cheered them on with pride, not because they won or lost, but because of how they played the game.  I told Sage that she deserved those three goals; she earned them by not giving up when things were at there worst.  I told her to celebrate, after all they might be the only ones she makes all season and wouldn't it be a shame if she didn't enjoy it.  She smiled and agreed.  Sage went on to score again this last Saturday and then cheered as two of her teammates scored in a play they had went over in practice.  Her team won again, but I don't think that mattered as much as the lessons she was learning.

With this same concept in mind, Savannah made me proud this spring by going out for track.  However one day, she was unnecessarily tough on herself about how she was performing.  I reminded her of her PRs (personal records) but that more importantly, she was doing something healthy and constructive with her time.  Instead of hanging out after school possibly getting in trouble or making bad choices, she was choosing instead to get in shape and be part of a team.  I was proud of her for that more than anything.  Good for you Savannah, good for you!  

These Mommy moments come in all kinds of ways. Yesterday I was getting the kids ready to take them to school and I asked Brayden where Saxton was.  He told me she was in the car already, never mind it was only 7:54 and we didn't need to leave for at least ten or fifteen minutes.  I laughed with my husband about it later.  It's kind of a joke around the house concerning the fact that she is a drill Sergeant when it comes to leaving for school.  However we will take it, it's much better than the alternative of being late because she doesn't want to go.  I am very proud of the student she has become and how important school is to her.  That's my girl, a nerd like her mom.  So no matter if it is Sergeant Saxton, or other little victories like watching Brayden choose to play cars with his little brother, or Sam getting excited about building villages in X-box Minecraft  (versus more violent games), give me reasons to get excited.

  

So yes, I celebrated my "Mother's Day Weekend" with a wonderful date night on Saturday and a Sunday in Seattle, walking through Pike Place Market, bike riding on Alki Beach and feeling all the love from my little’s.  And true, come Monday, the laundry, dishes, cleaning and driving were back. But that's all okay, because I also was also able to enjoy a Pee Party and that makes it all worthwhile.

Happy Mother's Day (a few days late in fully mommy fashion) to all my fellow mommas out there!  Love you!

Most importantly, thank you to my little’s who give me the title of mom, I love all of you to the moon and stars and back!

A day in my life...

Periodically I like to blog my days.  I think back to when my oldest four were little and some of those days, weeks and even months are a blur because of how busy I was.  I wish I had noted more so I could look back and remember some of that craziness!

Today was one of those crazy days.  I woke up in a start and had the bright idea to mow the lawn and try the mulching function.  Well I didn't know that a frost covered lawn would just clump, not mulch.  Note to self, don't mow at 7:15 am when there is still frost on your grass, all that happens is a messy mow and then your dog tracks it in all over your floor.  So I quit halfway through the backyard and came in to get the girls off to school and Max and I ready for the YMCA.

I was able to get in an hour of mom time and take a circuit (aka kick your butt) class before Max's swim lesson at 9:30.  It was nice to catch up with my circuit friends.  Max did awesome in child care, yeah for him!   Swimming went well and he was excited to even get some time in the toddler pool, his very favorite thing.  Off we headed to the arctic blast locker room to freeze, shower and then freeze again.  I swear they make it super cold so we hurry faster.  He was funny and wanted to sit on a stool, naked and have his snack and then get dressed.  As I noticed all the other naked butts that used the stools for the same thing, I convinced him to stay on his clean and sanitary towel instead.

After we got dressed, we chatted with the sports director about the soccer game schedule (thankfully the girl's games are at the same field in case they have a game at the same time) and then played some soccer in the racquet ball courts for a little while.  Max is hilarious and already a really good dribbler and kicker after watching his older siblings play.

Our next stop was the collision repair.  Our little car that we have had for a whole month got bit in the back yesterday by a bigger car driven by a distracted 16 year old driver.  (We traded in Jerry's beloved truck in order to buy our house.)  He didn't see that everyone was stopped for school busses and rear ended me on the way home from getting the girls.  All were okay and he was super sad and apologetic.  Thankfully he was also insured, but I still have to go through the pain of getting the car fixed.  Max was entertained by an elderly gentleman who lost his voice and spoke through a voice box and sounded like a robot, utterly fascinating to a two year old.

After we got our estimate, we only had a few minutes until the girls got out of school (half day Wednesdays),  we headed to the house and watched as they dug our sewer line.  We have been going over almost everyday and yesterday they finally poured the foundation!  (We wrote in the cement  last night, our own little messages that will be hidden under the floor.)   Max was entertained by the "huge crane."  He loved it and was so cute!

Off to get the girls and then home to get Max to bed.  Nap for him and cleaning and some Garden Critters work for me.

Fast forward two hours and I have to call a customer back (she was super sweet and understanding that I work from home) so the kids and I can go pick up Brayden from school.

We brought our glass recycling, so after we got Brayden, we had glass throwing therapy as we catapulted several dozen bottles and jars into the bins.  The kids love it!  Everyone should try it!

After glass chucking, they talked me into getting donuts (for Max) and apple fritters (for the older three) at the Orting Bakery.  It was buy one get one free fritter day so the kids were happy and we even brought home two for tomorrow (they're huge)!

Car ride = Music time!  Can't hear exact cause of fussing when your listening to the tunes.  Embarrassed Sage at a stop light as I boogied to a tune while we waited for our go sign.  Then I blasted some Opera to embarrass them all as we pulled into our neighborhood.  Love it!

Home.  Crazyness! Wrote a much needed email, finished mowing the grass and then had to get the girls ready for their first YMCA Soccer practice at 6:30 (different teams, same time- my second trip to the Y!)  A quick dinner that dad brought home and then the four kids and I were off!  (Dad had just gotten home and I left him for some P & Q)

Soccer practice was also crazy!  I attempted to watch both girl's practice while wrangling a running two year old.  Brayden came too and was really good (other than teaching Max how to tip a goal, literally!) Side note:  Thank goodness it was gorgeous out (we topped 70 degrees today).  Anyway, we ran around the fields, up the hills, watched the girls and had several trips to the playground to slide down the slide and cause small heart-attacks for me. (I am still a nervous wreck from Max's femur break last year and climbing causes me minor cardiac episodes.)

Practice over!  Find soccer balls then head home to hit the showers.   Dad takes over so I can call a customer back and begin typing up an order. Yeah! Happy to get those!  I am just about finished, but take a break to kiss good-night and finally take a shower (the second of the day, but the only one where I actually cleaned myself... the other was after swimming and I just got more wet while I washed Max.)

Dinner for the parents somewhere around 8:30 (normally we all eat together, but not in the cards today).  Then Survivor.  Ironic, I felt like I was on my own version of the show today.

That was my crazy Wednesday... just a day in my life, but because I typed it out, I'll get to remember this one.

The Boston Attack through the eyes of a child.

Tonight as we were tucking our littles into bed, they talked about being scared by the attack today during the Boston Marathon.  As I heard the somewhat erie sound of planes frequently flying overhead (having been diverted from flying over Seattle's airspace), I too felt uneasy and could only imagine how my children saw these events.  It was then that my Catholic upbringing kicked into high gear and we calmed them the best we could and said our prayers.  After Jerry and I tucked in Brayden and said good-night, we went into the girls room.  I could tell that my wise old Sage was thinking overtime about the events today in Boston.  We told her the best thing to do was to pray tonight for all those affected and then tomorrow, simply spread good into the world.  Kill evil with love.  Find that lonely classmate and talk to them, be extra kind, be the good that is needed right now, all in honor of the victims of this horrendous attack.

Sage and Saxton both asked to pray the Our Father one more time, and as we finished the prayer I emphasized the line, "deliver us from evil."  It is truly senseless evil that was behind these attacks today and trying to explain such horrors to children is very difficult.  Tonight I concurred that unfortunatly things like this do happen, sadly almost everyday, around the world despicable atrocities take place.  However, we can't live in fear, nor turn our backs.  Instead we need to fight back with peaceful and loving acts.  This might sound utopian and idealistic, but as a parent, it is all I can hope for.  The alternative after all, the thought that things are just going to get worse, that this is our new reality and that life is hopeless, isn't an option.  If we allow it to be, then those who commit these acts have won.

Our hearts and prayers are with all those affected today by the Boston attack.  The whole country truly is behind the city of Boston, the marathon runners and their families.

8.01 miles for Childhood Cancer.

Children are a blessing and a spirit that lights up a household.  I remember one night when Max was literally bouncing off things, he was pile driving his dad and I, jumping on the couch, wanting to play catch with the football and kick the soccer ball. "Past the defense," he said and "into the net." He was full of vim and vigor as my grandma would say.

Then he went with his dad to pick up his brother and the house went quiet. No more giggles and gumption. I was sad. The time he was gone was a quiet I didn't like. I was truly greatful for his return and his exuberant hug and "hi mommy!"  Not having him and his siblings in my life is unimaginable and this memory brings me to a cause that has become deeply imbedded in my heart, the fight against childhood cancer.

Back in February,  I joined a Facebook group that are participating in a virtual Run to the White House.  The purpose of this, is to bring awareness to the epidemic of childhood cancer and hopefully turn the White House yellow for September in honor of childhood cancer awareness month. Maybe, if we're lucky, we can get some football players to wear yellow shoes and gloves!

Each day on the Run for the White House for Childhood Cancer Facebook page there are children who are struggling with treatment and parents who are dealing with a sick baby or possibly the tragic loss of a beautiful child.  As a parent, the idea of any of my little ones being sick, is my worse nightmare.   Even though I have read posts and blogs from parents who been affected my childhood cancer, I can hardly imagine what they are all going through.

While I, like many, have always been concerned about and donated towards childhood cancer, my passion really jumpstarted last fall when my husband turned me onto Taylor Swift's song Ronan, about the loss of a little boy to cancer.  Since then, I have been following Ronan's Mom's Blog, Rockstar Ronan and following her struggles with dealing with the loss of her baby boy.  Ronan's story, as well as the many other little ones who I have come to know, have really opened my eyes concerning the epidemic of childhood cancer, as well as re-emphasized the fragility of life.  We truly don't know what is around the corner.

So today, in honor of all these little ones battling for there lives, I ran 8.01 miles.  Brian Jones, the head of Run for the Whitehouse, challenged us to run 7 on the 7th "for the average of 7 children who will not survive cancer today, April 7."  I haven't run this far since the 90's due to old track injuries and birthing five babies, so when my Map My Run link came on my iPhone and informed me I had reached 7 miles, I loudly whooped several times.  As silly as it may sound, I literally was telling myself out loud, "You got this!" More importantly, I was willing my support for all the little ones battling cancer to know that we are here, we are supporting them, loving them, praying for them, cheering for them from all over the country and telling them, "You Got This!"

Walking home from school for miles!

When I arrived back in my neighborhood, my eight year old son was waiting to finish my run with me.  He had ran a few blocks with me as I started and helped to support me as I looped around an extra cul-de-sac to reach my 8 miles.  My family knows of my quest and has been very supportive, even helping to add a few miles of their own.  My mom and a few of my friends have joined Brian's cause and now I am hoping that some of my beloved readers will join it too! It's free and is as simple as liking Run for the White House for Childhood Cancer  on Facebook.  Then you write a message and post how far you have Run (or walked, biked or even swam.)  Brian keeps track of all the miles.

Life is a blessing and children are our greatest gift, we owe it to them to support any obstacle they may encounter, big or small.  If you can't join us and even if you can, please consider making a donation to fight childhood cancer.  

 

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

Holy Cornstarch!

It's spring break and so we were all home this morning hanging out. (We were at the beach all day yesterday enjoying the gorgeous weather and were all a bit tired.)  Jerry and I were upstairs on the computer dealing with Turbo Tax and the frustration that was causing when we heard Saxton yell from downstairs, "Max no!"  We asked her what happened (Max had maybe been downstairs five minutes and the girls were both down with him) and we were told that Max got some flour on the floor.  Thinking it wasn't that big of a deal and the fact that we were on hold with Turbo Tax we didn't go right down.  Our mistake.  A few minutes later her and Max came up and he was covered in what we thought was flour.  We knew we were in trouble.

Before I go any further, you must know, after this happened, Saxton was just walking through the mess, oblivious at the tracking she was doing downstairs, looking for the mail key.  Sage, just inches away from it all, was still staring zombie like at the television.  Jerry likened it to a massacre that had taken place and they were acting as if nothing happened.

Anyhow, after seeing Max, I jumped up and ran to the top of the stairs and saw this!

What you don't see, is the fine film of what I soon discovered was corn starch, not flour, that covered the entire kitchen and surrounding areas.  Max had gotten into Grandma's Costco sized jug of corn starch and tried to "make eggs and coffee" for us, at least that is what Sage recounted his words were.  Corn starch was everywhere!  This is where the mess originated, but Saxton, Max and Puppy traipsed it through the rest of the kitchen, down the hall, out in the garage and up the stairs!  You can tell by the look on Saxton's face that she realized, maybe she should have told us immediately the magnitude of the mess.

One other small fact is that we were supposed to be on vacation, sunning ourselves in California right about now.  However, Jerry and I are proud to announce we have decided to build a new home (so that we can have a new canvas for such messes.)  We have outgrown this one (Jerry bought it when he was single and the father of just one child, instead of the six he now has.)  This was a hard decision to make, we love our neighbors and our neighborhood!  And with big decisions, comes financial responsibility and so it was either Disneyland or a new home, and the kids chose the house!  (Yes, we gave them a choice and they didn't even pause with their answer, not sure what we would have decided if they chose the other way around.

So now we have been preparing our house for it's new renters and  have been working like crazy to clean all the nooks and crannies.  Therefore, you can imagine what such a mess led to... cleaning under ovens and underneath baseboards.  The freezer even found itself completely cleaned out, although I am not sure how that sequence happened.

But all is well again and Max is sitting on my lap giving me kisses and sharing his pretzels. (I just noticed the lid to the pretzels is also covered in a fine white film... )  This is life with a two year old and while he did get a time out and got to hear mommy exclaim a few choice words (to the corn starch of course!)  he was quickly forgiven.  Saxton and I even looked at each other as we began to clean up and giggled.  Hey, don't they say, "life gets messy, so you just have to clean it up!"

Sam's Birth Story

Baby Sam 2000

Preface:  When I was pregnant with Sam, I belonged to Babycenter.com and became pen-pals of sorts with a bunch of awesome ladies who lived all over the place.  I guess you could say this was the beginning of cyber relationships and pre-Facebook posting.  Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was sorting through some old papers and found several "posts" that I wrote to my friends.  One in particular, was very special.  It was my post just after Sam was born recounting the story of his entrance in the world.  I am not going to edit what I typed.  I am leaving it word for word, with even some typos because I was also nursing Sam.

Written March 27, 2000.

Sam is here!  All 7 lbs. 11.7 oz of pure joy!  He was 21 inches long and born at 1:22 am on Friday March 24th.  I had a little nubane that helped with the in between part of a total of three contractions, but the delivery overall was natural.  No episiotomy this time.  And I only needed a few stitches.  It was painful, but an awesome painful.  It was so intense and I will never forget it.  When they put him on my belly, I could not stop touching him and did not want to let him go!  He is beautiful and healthy and really here!  It was love at first sight and for some reason I feel/felt a little more protective about him than I did dd (dear daughter).  Maybe it was because I had a few more problems this pg (pregnancy) with spotting, etc... that I was more worried that he would not make it... anyway... his is wonderful.

About the labor... at about 7:25 I was coming home with dd from the neighbors and she was trying to get away, so I picked her up and had a major contraction, well just before I entered the garage I had this huge gush of fluid run down my leg, through my pants, on my shoes and the driveway.  I was not sure if I peed or if it was my water.  I went inside and took everything off and it did not smell like pee so I called dh (dear husband: these were shortcuts we used to communicate.)  He was at work and I told him I may have broken my water.  I told him to sit tight and I would call him back after I talked to the Dr.  Well after three pages I could not get a hold of him, so I call L & D and they told me to come in.  Dh came home meanwhile, he said that he could not wait and they sent him home.  He smelled my pants and also thought it did not smell like pee.  So we got ready to go.  We called mil and finally got her to agree to come over.  My neighbor came over so we could leave right away.  Dh did give dd a quick bath so that she would be all ready for bed.  

We drove to the hospital, I was having contras, but not real bad and only 5 min. to 8 min. apart.  We checked in and went upstairs.  I got undressed and the nurse checked me and said I was only 3 cm and my water had not broken.  So I guess it was pee, just not smelly pee lol. (side note:  I still think my water broke!!) Anyway she told me they would probably send me home.  Well then the Dr. came in and ripped my insides apart, said I was a good 4, he was going to break my water and we were going to have a baby.  He told us the nurses were busy and just wanted to send someone home, but this was a game and to just act like I was in pain  Well I was after they broke my water.  From 9:30 (when they broke it) until delivery, it was no fun.  Dh was a good coach.  He even had to help me go potty four times in the bed pan.  They would not let me get up in case of the cord prolapsing.  So I was in bed the whole time.  (little man is eatinng so I am typing one handed) The end was no fun because I was sitting at 7 cm and I had the urge to push.  I dilated to ten so fast and was climbing the bed with the urge.  They barely got me in the stir-ups and two big pushes later his head was out and then one more for his body  The placenta was no fun.  But was so worth it.  It was the most intense yet awesome/wonderful pain of my life!  (With dd I did have a local because of the episiotomy so this time was different with no local...)  

He is a good little guy.  He has really taken to nursing and that is going well.  Although I am so huge right now that I could feed five babies.  The hospital stay was nice, but Friday late morning little man gave us a scare.  After his circumcision, he started getting blue in his mouth and his arms and legs.  They ended up putting him in the warmer because his hr was low and his circulation was bad.  But by the end of the day and some major tlc by mom, he was better.  Except for a few short trips to the nursery for  weight and his 48 hour test, I did not let him out of my sight and would go everywhere with him.  I even had them give him his first bath in the room with me.

We got home yesterday afternoon and all is going well.  (Other than the fact that dh went golfing with the neighbor and left me with dd.) Thank you for helping me through this pg and for your friendship.  You are an awesome bunch of ladies and I glad to have you.

Lisa and Sam"the little man"Kenneth.

Postscript:  Re-typing this and re-reading it is very emotional for me.  I can replay all these memories like movies in my mind.  I remember in the middle of the night while we were still in the hospital, being all alone with Sam (My Ex slept at home).  He was sleeping on me and I was so high on adrenaline and love that I couldn't all asleep.  God had given me this perfect "little man" and I remember feeling so blessed, a feeling that has never faded.  Sam and I have a special bond.  He has always been my sweet boy and has always been such a love.  One of my favorite memories from this summer at that lake was during a late night boat ride with just Jerry, Sam and I.  We went out to look at the stars and say good-bye to the lake.  On the way back to the cabin, Sam fell asleep on me.  It felt like when he was just a little guy and would snuggle with me.  I truly felt like I was in heaven.  

I love you my sweet Sam.  You hold a very special place in my heart and I am so happy to be your mom.  Every moment I am away from you I miss you like crazy and pray to be with you again.  Happy Birthday and always remember... I love you to the moon and stars and back!