Hit the Target and Found Footies For Savannah

You could probably hear our laughter all through Target's dressing area.  Jerry said he could hear me across the whole store.  The funny thing is, that one of the people laughing was literally hundreds of miles away.  Thanks to technology, my daughter Savannah and I were both hootin' and hollering at the selfie I had just sent her of me posing in footie pajamas.

My Savannah has homecoming next weekend and as part of the festivities, they have a Throwback Thursday during spirit week.  So yesterday she asked me if I could get her some footie pajamas and send them to her.  Having sadly missed out on getting her a homecoming dress, I was grateful to be able to participate in some way, even if it meant purchasing giant size footies.

So via snapchat, we narrowed it down to a couple different styles and I decided to surprise her and put them on to check sizes as well as model them for her.  I tried on a small because that was the closest that was going to fit her and I wanted to see if the pjs were going to even be close.  They fit snug, but my gosh they were the most comfy things I think I've worn since I was a toddler and actually wore footies on a regular basis.  I was so jealous of Max that he got to sport such comfort every night and later told my husband I want a pair.  (If you want a pair visit Target.com)

Anyway, that's where the giggles and uncontrollable laughter cues in.  I called her and told her I sent a snapchat of them on me and the second that Savannah saw the picture, she lost it.  However, I knew I was in trouble when I saw she took a screen shot.  It was only a matter of seconds and she had shared it with her best friend and boyfriend.  What I have to admit, is that I loved every minute of it.  I loved being able to feel like we were actually together, school shopping of sorts, bonding over homecoming attire and laughing the whole time.  I say it frequently, but I am going to say it again... I miss her and Sam like crazy.  Maybe that's why I found myself, in Target's fitting room, in Max's pajamas, taking dreaded selfies.

I hope you like them Savannah Banana.  Maybe I will get another pair for me and we can be twins the next time we're together.

Good-night, I love you both, to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back!

Update:  My Savannah in her Snuggies!!!

Instagram her life.

My teenage daughter is introducing me into the whole new budding culture of "self-ees"(pictures taken of yourself) and "likes" on Instagram.  She has lessoned me on when you post, how many in a day and how to tell if a picture is "likable" or not.  What are the most popular pictures?  Not artistic shots or landscaping like her ol' mom posts, but pictures of yourself.

Yesterday I took this picture after hanging out at Meeker Days, in a little park on our way to the car.  My beautiful little girl all grown up.  I didn't know how I felt about her putting her picture onto the web to be liked or not.  However, after seeing some of the completely inappropriate pictures that her fellow classmates were posting, I was grateful for what she chose to share. 

Last night she asked me if I would take some pictures of her all dressed up and I was more than happy to. After all, it's not often that your child willingly lets you photograph them.  I'm used to trying to wrangle Max for a picture, which is like trying to keep a wave upon the sand.  However I am still a little unsure about the fact that people are basically voting on how pretty my daughter is.  To me she is this beaming sunshine who is truly one of a kind, she's my love, my life and perfect in every way.  She deserves a million likes as far as I'm concerned.  I don't want her to ever view herself one way or another based on peer "likes."  None the less, while I have to accept this is the culture she is growing up in, I do find some comfort that she is choosing photos her mom not only approves of, but actually took.   

  

 

    

Silly Savannah

My little girl will always be my little girl.  I haven't truly grasped this concept, even though I have heard my mom exclaim it for years, until now.  My Savannah is fifteen.  Wow.  She is a young woman, full of opinions, already making tough decisions, dealing with peer pressure and having had to grow up well before her time.  Referring to my post from a few days ago, at six, she already had a lot of responsibility.  She was just five and had a three year old brother, and both a one year old and new born baby sister.  That's a lot for any child, then add the dysfunction that she had to put up with for several years and that could just about put anyone over the edge.  But not her.  Not my amazing Savannah.  She is smart, funny and full of spunk.  She is a shining star and I am so proud of her.   

So, taking all this into consideration, it is and always will be my favorite sight to witness her act like a kid, to let loose and just be her goofy self.  I found these two pictures, one from Pittsburg, PA (from when we drove from New Mexico to Maine in 2005) and the other of her last summer at my in-laws in MN.  Seven years apart, but still the same silly smile.  I love you my sweet girl and I can't wait to see you in 8 days, 23 hours, 39 minutes and 5 seconds!     

Goodnight my angel

Fifteen years ago today, I was spending my first night as a mother. Much like tonight, I couldn't sleep. I had this new, beautiful, tiny new life to take care of. Savannah was a gorgeous newborn and I couldn't stop looking at her, in awe that I actually made such a perfect little person.

I don't know how to best explain the love a mother has for her child, it's almost unexplainable at times. You're heart truly beats for this other person and the love you feel crosses all boundaries. Savannah being my firstborn, taught me so much about life, love and sacrifice. I truly grew up just days after my twenty first birthday. From that moment, when I first found out I was pregnant, every choice I made, now revolved around her.

Tonight, even though my baby is now hundreds of miles away, her momma is still up, thinking about her, loving her and thanking God for bringing her into this world.

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl.

Savannah's Shoes.

Dear Savannah,

Yesterday while I was cleaning and packing, I came across a pair of your baby shoes. They're little, size five and carry the stains and residues of fabulous toddler adventures.  Looking at those tiny shoes and thinking of the little one who wore them, just about overwhelmed me.  I can't believe in one week you'll be fifteen, my baby girl is growing up.  Our conversations now revolve around  high-school, track, girlfriend sagas and how your boyfriend asked you out (very sweet by the way.)  I realize I could pretend that you're not yet at this stage, but then I would be alienating you and shutting myself out of your world.  As a result of the physical distance between us at times, I believe we have grown closer on an emotional level.  Every little second that I get with you, even if it is via FaceTime or snap-chat is precious to me.  I can't go back in time to when your little feet filled those tiny shoes, but I can remind you of something that will never change... how very much I love you.  You are my sunshine.  I miss you. I love you.  I wish you were here.

Love, Momma

P.S. Kiss and hug your brother and have him kiss and hug you back, (from me!)

You don't remember...

As my oldest baby nears her fifteenth birthday, I have been looking through old photographs and remembering all those sweet, precious baby days. I realize she doesn't remember these moments, but I hope the love I enveloped her in, stays with her forever.

Dear Savannah,

You don't remember, but I loved you at first sight. Nothing prepares you for the first time you see your baby, especially your first born. I say this only because its the first time you feel this kind of love, the kind that is so pure, so true that you didn't even believe it existed.

You don't remember, but I couldn't get you to sleep in your bassinet. I called the nurse after several sleepless nights and told her you'd cry as soon as I'd put you back in your bed after I'd nursed you. She suggested that I sleep with you and explained how to lay with you and nurse you in bed. It worked and you slept with me for weeks! We both slept so much better just because we were near one another. It's always so hard on my heart to be away from you.

I remember when you were three weeks old and we went to the lake with Kevin and Cara. I already felt like the time was flying by and I didn't want to put you down all day, so I carried you in my pouch, close to my heart.

I remember when you were four weeks old and you came to work with me. I was a full time nanny for three kids and had to use your dad's car with no air conditioning because my truck didn't have enough seats to drive them to horse lessons, ect... It was a hot summer, El Niño, and well over 100 degrees for several days. I had my first test as a mother when I had to refuse one day to drive the kids to the mall and elsewhere. It was too hot and you were so little. Thankfully the mom understood and agreed, but the kids moped around all day. I didn't care, I couldn't risk your health.

We were a team, you and I. I took you everywhere and loved to watch you grow and thrive. You were such a smiley baby, absolutely gorgeous and perfect in every way... Just like today.

What I want you to remember and never forget, is that I love you. You are my sunshine and I feel blessed everyday that you are mine.

I miss you! I love you! I wish you were here!

Love,
Momma

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

Missing my babies.

I remember when savannah was a baby she loved to sleep on my chest, her head pressed against my heart, her little behind in the air.  Sam was the same way, falling asleep as only a baby does.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't miss them and tonight is no different.  When I am at the point it physically hurts,  I often recall moments like these. I imagine their small bodies rising and falling with each breath I took, almost like they're floating on the sea, our hearts in perfect sync.

Tonight when Sam and I were saying good-bye, I couldn't hang up.  I wanted to find just the tight words to express how I feel, that If I could wish for one thing right now it would be that they could feel how much I love them and  how I would love to be holding them right now.

As I type this and cry my eyes out, all I can think is that Life is hard.  I've made so many mistakes.  However, no matter the wrong I have done, I think back to those babies sleeping peacefully on my heart and I know that they're the one thing I've done right.

I love you my sweet babies to the moon and stars and back.

Sam asleep on me summer 2000 at my mom's in NM

Reliving Childbirth.

Every year,  before my children's birthdays, I recount the hours (and sometimes the days) leading up to their birth.  I think back to what I was doing, how I felt and what the labor was like.  Today is no different.

Sage, my third born, will be eleven tomorrow.  I know that it is a parental cliche, but I truly can not believe how fast the time has gone.  As I look at Sage's baby pictures I feel a surge of nostalgia, happiness and love.  The tiny little baby that I see in the pictures is now a young lady full of opinions, ideas and gumption.


My pregnancy with Sage was pretty smooth sailing until the end.  The last few weeks were really rough with pre-term labor and even a false alarm trip to the hospital on Febuary 12th (I was four cm for almost two weeks).  I was able to time contractions down to four, five minutes apart for hours in the days before I actually had Sage.  I remember walking the hill by my apartment with my mom trying to bring on full blown labor.

The real deal finally began on on Feburary 21st.  It was a Thursday and I had attended a baby shower at my Ex's work.  When I came home, I felt a little off and I knew this was it.

After several hours of walking and watching Winter Olympics skiing (timing the contractions with the skiers going down the slopes was actually helpful), Sage entered into the world with a bang!  The last part of labor actually happened very fast and one thing I remember in particular, is that the nurse argued with me on wether she was actually coming.  She had just checked me and I was an eight, but with a quick change of position, (I had turned over and was on my knees holding on to the back of the bed for dear life) suddenly, I could feel that it was time.   She said I couldn't be fully dilated and refused to check me.  I have to give my Ex credit for what happened next, he told her I had already given birth to two other children (recently, I might add, my son was only one and my daughter three), and that I was laboring naturally, which meant no drugs, aka I COULD FEEL EVERYTHING!  After encouraging her to listen to me, they called for the Dr., (who by the way didn't have time to put on her glove.)  Moments later, with barely a push, she arrived into the world.  I was even able to help pull her onto my belly.

Sage was beautiful. Perfect.  She had this gorgeous olive skin and these black eyes that just stared into your soul.  There was barely a peep out of her and she nursed right away.  She was born just before two am, so everything was quiet and peaceful and I was left in my dimly lit world to love on my brand new baby girl.

Add caption

Eleven years later, I still remember the peace that I felt just after she was born.  I have always thought that if I had one wish for heaven, it would be the ability to relive the birth of my children (and every second after).  Having the ability to re-experience those moments, when the most amazing love-at-first-sight magically takes place, I'd know I was in heaven for sure.  Happy Birthday sweet Sage!  I love you (and all your brothers and sisters) to the moon and stars and back!  

A post regarding my biological father.

On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the God and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

John Mayer-Daughters

The hardest part of being at a wedding, or watching one on television is the father-daughter dance.  Every time my chest tightens and I bite my lip and struggle to fight back the tears, to no avail, they always come.  I wanted that.  I wanted to have the opportunity to dance in the arms of my father while listening to the lyrics of a song exemplifying a daddy's love for his little girl and to have those words mean something.  I imagine every daughter wants that.  

The prompt for this blog was a phone call I received a few days ago from my sister Kathleen.  She had gotten a letter in response to her Christmas Card, from our biological father.  I am not going to share the details, only that it was hurtful and ultimately a sign to not only her, but all of my siblings and I that he really had no intentions of having a relationship with us.  Not only that, but that he must really be in a negative space to feel the need to respond in such a condescending way.

What he doesn't realize is that there is nothing he can say to us that we haven't already thought of.  One thing we all learned very young, was how to break ourselves down.  We are all our toughest critic.  Knowing this, my response to the letter was that of a protective big sister.  Initially I was angry at the hurt he caused my beautiful, kind, sweet Kathleen, at the hurt he has caused all of my sisters, my brother, my mother and myself. Then that anger turned to sorrow, I felt sorry for him, for all of us.  What a loss in his life to not have a relationship with all five of his biological children, as well as our families.  

I told Kathleen that she should share the letter with my siblings.  Since he had cut off communication with all of us a little over three years ago, we had all attempted to contact him; a call on his birthday, a message to announce a wedding, the birth of a new baby and received no response.  Finally, after this letter, we had a tangible grasp at his mental state and could now give up hope that he had any intention of deciding to be in our lives.  In a way this letter was a blessing, the old adage:

"Waiting is worse than knowing. 

 Grief rends the heart cleanly; 

that it may begin to heal; 

waiting shreds the spirt."   

Morgan Llywelyn

The ironic thing is that we all wanted him to come around, all wished for a return phone call or a surprise visit.  My siblings and I are not perfect, but one characteristic that we all manifest, almost to fault at times, is our impressive ability to forgive and love.  I often imagined my father showing up on my doorstep and me inviting him in and introducing him to his youngest grandson, showing him how he walks just like his grandpa.  I even had a dream the other night that I looked up and there he was sitting on a bench.  At first we looked at each-other, like strangers, but tentatively we began to speak to one another.  I woke up as I was introducing him to his grandchildren.

My parent's are divorced and my mom has since re-married (they celebrated their thirteenth wedding anniversary this past August).  We all love him and have embraced him as our "dad."  However, I believe this is a hard concept for my biological father. But, what he doesn't realize, is that there is enough love for everyone.  I too am divorced and have remarried.  My Ex and I had three gorgeous daughters and a handsome son together.  Over the past few years my new husband and I have navigated our way through the uncharted territory of our roles as step-parents (he has a son from a previous relationship).  Ultimately, we emphasize the fact that they have the benefit of two sets of parents that love them and that there is always enough love to go around.  Both my husband and I have no desire to replace the biological parent in our children's lives, just to add more love and support.

http://picturesquotes.com/why-a-daughter-needs-a-dad/

One thing I have learned from growing up in a dysfunctional home and dealing with the emotional heartache of not having my dad there when I needed him, is the effect it had on me when making life choices.  I am not here to blame my father for my mistakes.  However, I do wonder sometimes where I would be if I wasn't always running away from the painful memories and events of my childhood and looking for love in all the wrong places?  I greatly take this into consideration when dealing with my own children, especially my oldest daughter who has begun to navigate the world of romantic relationships and love.  The most important thing I want her to know is that she is always loved.  No matter what happens, no matter what choices she makes or mistakes, she and all her siblings are always welcome to come home and I will be waiting with open arms.  My love is unconditional.  It is the one promise that I will never break.

There is a special relationship meant to be between a father and daughter.  He is meant to be her first love, to show her how she deserves to be treated.  I also believe that the relationship example set by parents, forever imprints on a child.  One of the main reasons that I am divorced, is that I wanted to break the cycle of disfunction.  I wanted to put an end to the unsuitable environment that my Ex and I were providing for our four children.  When I was young, I prayed for peace in my home.  I hated the fact that my friends were scared to come over and I had to walk on eggshells in order to survive.  This environment is unacceptable.  Children deserve better, a loving home is a parent's ultimate responsibility. 

As I finish this post I wonder if given the opportunity, would I forgive my father, would I allow him into my life again?  I am not sure.  I think for now I will concentrate on all the good in my life, all those that I love and love me back.  As I attempt to raise my own children I will try to learn from my parent's.  I know that I have made mistakes and will continue to do so, but I hope that as long as my children know that I love them, we can make it through anything.  I will do my best and most importantly, I will never give up on my babies, no matter what.  That is a pain that I have lived with in my own life, and it is one that pray my children will never have to feel.

I love you Savannah, Sam, Sage, Saxton, Brayden and Max to the moon and stars and back.    

       

Dear Savannah and Sam,

Dear Savannah and Sam,

I almost lost it in Starbucks today. Jerry was joking with me about my big Africa purse and I turned to him and said, "tough crowd, tough crowd." I laughed and thought of you Savannah.  I remembered  you, Sam, Jerry and I on the plane coming home from Albuquerque. It felt so wonderful to be snuggled next to you looking at pictures from the wedding. I don't remember how the "tough crowd" comment came up, I just remember us laughing about it. It became our thing.

Thoughts like this pop in my head several times a day. They are like little movies that I allow myself to play over and over in an attempt not to miss you so much.  However there is often a fine line for me between feeling happy and then possibly being choked up because I miss you so much.  Here are a few other little memories that I would like to replay...

I remember in New Mexico, December 26th, Sam and I decided to go for a walk.  It was brisk, but sunny out and we took turns taking pictures while walking/jogging.  Sam and I just chatted away and both were in awe over the setting sun and beautiful views.  New Mexico is a beautiful place and no matter the time of year, lives up to it's name, Land of Enchantment.  Every time I come back it feels like coming home (I have several "homes" in my life.)  During our walk, we were able to watch the sun set, the moon rise and enjoy the beautiful shadow art on the desert and homes.  I loved this moment because it was just you and I, unfortunately a rare opportunity, which made it even more precious.  

That night was another memory that makes me smile.  We went with your Aunt Kathleen, Uncle Ben and Grandma to the mall where they spoiled both of you by buying you clothes (Savannah) and hats (Sam.)  We enjoyed half price frozen yogurt and laughed our behinds off as Uncle Ben lessoned us in speed walking.  A simple shopping trip turned into a lot of fun because of our goofing off and laughing the whole time.  

I loved every second of your visit over Christmas; Christmas together and a slumber party with good night songs. Hunting for breakfast burritos after 11 a.m. and shopping with Aunt Elizabeth and the cousins.  Picking up Jerry from the airport with Aunt Colleen and then helping her hunt for Wedding stuff at Hobby Lobby.  Dinner out with all the family and the movies with Aunt Colleen & Uncle Jed. Going on a long walk/hike searching for and finding Wild Horses near Grandma and Grandpa's house.  

Savannah, getting our nails done and lunch with all your Aunts and cousins Liberty and Addison. Helping to get ready for Aunt Colleen's Wedding.  Driving to the Jamez Mountains and hiking in the snow along a frozen river and dealing with four wild and crazy dogs.  Having Pizza at Aunt Kathleen's and Uncle Ben's.  Breakfast with Tushar, Becky and TJ where Sam taught TJ how to balance a spoon on his nose.  Aunt Colleen's Wedding and Sam, you showing us your amazing Dance moves as well as slow dancing with me.  Our plane rides to Washington where Savannah defied logic and walked the wrong way on the people movers.

We had an awesome time in Seattle watching the sun set, walking through Pike's place, playing games and having a fabulous dinner at PF Changs. I loved being with all six of my littles together, sometimes doing nothing but just hanging out or searching for Crabs at Chamber's Bay. Sam, you and I helping Savannah and being lessoned on a teenage girl and her shopping, as well as learning what ugly things are actually in some video games. ;-)Watching Life of PI and discussing the meaning of the movie.  Savannah our bike ride, remember how good you did?  Watching the Seahawks together, and they won! Eating all of Grandma's wonderful food and celebrating Christmas together, again. 

Life isn't perfect, but these memories with you two are.  I love you both so much and miss you like crazy.  The hardest part of being away isn't necessarily the big things, but the small ones; kissing you good-night, seeing you smile and hearing you laugh, hugging you.  

Please remember one more thing, I love you to the moon and stars and back. 

Love, Mommy

Colleen and Jed's Wedding December 31st, 2012