Finding Contentment in the Heartland.

My beautiful cousin Christi and I. 

My cousin's youngest Madeline and Ginger

I have been periodically going for walks with a friend of mine who I will identify as my "Spiritual Leader."  He might shy away from such a title, but I think it fits him.  He has been helping me to find God again.  Not necessarily in a way that my traditional Catholic ways encouraged, but more in the way I needed.  A way that led to me praying with more flourish and trust.  Isn't that what God wants of us?  To trust him with the issues and people closest to our hearts and heaviest on our minds?  I believe so. 

My baby driving me around for the first time!

My sweet Tameca.

Today my SL (Spiritual Leader)  used the analogy of a pounding surf and either allowing the problems and stresses of our life to slowly erode away our shore, or stand strong and hold our position.  To become Rocks in a Jetty of sorts.  I took to the analogy.  Anything to do with the sea and the magic of the boundary between land and water, the edge of the earth, the end of a journey or the beginning, speaks to me.  I have loved this blog, now over three years old.  I respect it and the freedom of speech that I am entitled to.   I want to be honest and sometimes that's scary and I would rather stay silent then to write empty paragraphs.

My brother Matt and sister Colleen

Lately I have been feeling the effects of the heaviness of life. I have been unable at times to shake the exhaustion that comes from carrying too much for too long.  For trying too hard to fix everything, defend my actions, make right the world.  I have to hand over the responsibility to others.   An analogy my SL gave me was how often times others will throw their anger, nastiness, issues, hatred and negativity at you like a ball in hopes you will catch it and maybe even throw it back bringing you down to their level.  I have to learn to allow the ball to drop.  Sometimes it's okay to just let the ball fall and walk away.  One of my husband's favorite sayings is, "Just because they say it, doesn't make it true."  Just because they throw it at you, doesn't mean you have to catch it, carry it or keep it.  Just let it drop.

Loving on my niece Alannah.

Sam and his Uncle Jed.

Love at first sight.

I went back to Indiana a few weeks ago to see my two oldest babies.  (I know they are no longer "babies" but I use that term of endearment because I like what it means to me.) 
            There I go defending... I even do it in my writing.  That's another thing that I wish I could free everyone from, the need to defend themselves.  It's a trap I fall into, the need to explain, defend, instead of letting the ball drop.  Getting to see my babies meant seeing my Ex, driving with him the few miles to surprise my Savannah at school.  We proved we could be civil for more than a moment for the sake of our beautiful children.  It was worth every ounce of anxiety that I previously felt to see the look on her face when she realized I was the one in the passenger seat.  To watch her drop her back pack and run screaming and crying into my arms.  It was a perfect moment.
Later I was even able to sit across from him when we went to lunch with Savannah and her friend.  I wish we could have extended the civility to the drop off, but we still have a long way to go in the healing process.  And unfortunately sometimes the situation just is what it is.

Loving on Grandma. My Angel in My Life.

Girlfriends!

Love is giving your friend a much needed pedicure

!

While I was in Indiana, I had this moment of pure contentment.  My girlfriend Leslie decided I needed a pedicure and with the help of her two oldest (who were doll babies and even gave Savannah, Sam and I their rooms for two nights), set it up right there on her back patio.  Sam was there with a grin and Savannah too, as well as another one of my dearest friends and I was just happy.  The anxiousness of traveling, flying to Chicago, driving to Indy and the stress of the unknown with my Ex just melted away.  I was surrounded by love and friendship.  I allowed myself to be happy.  I absorbed all the love I received from that trip, from my cousin in Chicago, my siblings, my family, my grandma, my beloved friends and their children and from my sweet babies and allowed myself to let go.  Take the best and leave the rest. 

A whole bunch of littles and even missing three!

I also realized yet again how incredibly blessed I am to have people envelope me in their arms, no matter how long its been.  One example is my friend Tameca.  We hadn't seen one another in years, but it may as well have been only a moment.  The love and friendship still there, still strong and she literally stood arm and arm with me as my Ex pulled up.  That feeling of solidarity that never left no matter the length of time that had passed.  Each and every hug I received, from my Best Friend Leslie's husband's famous bear hugs to my delicate embrace with my Grandma reminded me that no matter what you can count on love.  Moments such as holding my beautiful new baby niece for the first time and a middle of the night giggle fest with Savannah as we enjoyed a priceless slumber party at Leslie's, prompted me to enjoy the simple moments of contentment.  They are not something you can buy or even plan, they just happen.

My loves... Leslie, Lauri and Jen

It's ironic, as I type this the rain comes and goes, as does the sunshine and for a few moments I am able to enjoy them both.  I say this because I have learned to embrace the rain, the clouds, the storms along with the sun.  I appreciate the sound of the rain on the trees, the shade of the clouds and the way the trees sound in a storm.  These are not things to curse, but to embrace.  The rain cleans my soul and the stale air that sometimes surrounds us.  It's funny because earlier today after my SL and I said our good-byes the rain really started to fall.  I initially ran, trying to beat the drops.  But then I stopped, walked and as the rain poured over me, I prayed for the it to wash away my worries.  I have felt better since.  

Leslie's Littles!

Lauri's Littles with mine!

My wonderful Cara!  She drove with me 27 hours to help move me to Washington!

My Sam!

My tendency is to feel anxiety, to worry, to feel fearful and count on the worst.  This is what a person's past can do to them.  However, my pledge to myself is to give all that to God.  I can't foresee the future, but I have to trust that I am on the right path.  If I am, then I have to have faith that God will help me along it.  To me that is my secret to contentment, knowing in my heart that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing and trusting God with the rest.  I guess I should take a lesson from my first real driving experience with my daughter Savannah, as terrifying as it is, sometimes you just have to let go and just trust someone else to take the wheel.   

Beautifully Sad Secrets

What is the conversation between two broken souls?

Even if we heard every word,

the meaning would still be illusive.*

I have been missing from writing, but not do to lack of life moments.  When I fall off the writing wagon I get frustrated with myself.  Especially when things are happening that I want to hold onto with words.  Since I last wrote, my husband and I shared a quiet, yet sweet Christmas Eve with family and friends and our littlest Max.  Christmas morning was bittersweet because it lacked our five oldest, yet was filled with the magic of Santa Claus.  Max didn't quite understand at first that all the presents were his, and insisted on distributing them to his siblings and us.  This warmed our hearts that he wanted to do such a thing.  My husband and I stole away Christmas night to Vegas for a few days, putting Christmas on hold until the twenty ninth when we were able to have all six of our babies under one roof.   The "quiet" time together was wonderful. 

Wild Waves December 30th 2013

The visit with all of the littles was like medicine to the soul.  The ability to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight was probably my favorite of all.  It allowed me to quietly let them know how very much they mean to me and how desperately I miss them when they are gone.  We had a blast at Wild Waves, our New Year's Eve Blast and in Seattle (a few times).  Just hearing all their voices through the house was like heaven.  I was blessed by mother nature and was able to keep Savannah and Sam three extra days.  We took advantage of this (and grandma and papa's kindness to keep Max) and took another day trip into the city.  I called it a photography adventure, where I captured my two oldest at a variety of locations.  At the end of the day we got caught in a monsoon and as we ran through the rain, I'm sure all of Seattle could hear us laughing and screaming.  I loved it.

Just before we went home, we stopped at a pier and I captured a few more photos.  They are of Savannah, the city and the waterfront.  Seattle has won my heart and become the home I have searched much of my life for.  To capture my first born in my beloved hometown was priceless.

*I love the picture of Savannah and Sam under the umbrella.  It portrays my life perfectly.  The umbrella is in focus and represents the happiness in my life that I share openly... my babies, my husband, my family and friends, my wonderful home and my beloved Seahawks (who won the Super Bowl in case you didn't know.) However the unfocused portion is how my quote under the photograph came to me while looking at it for the first time.  It might be a photo you'd erase because it's out of focus, but it's meant to be that way.  We're not meant to see the emotion, hear the conversation that is going on.  The nighttime tears that are shed and the desperate truths that are told.  It's a secret that is carried by those who have felt true heartache and even truer love.  I've poured out my heart here many times trying to express the feeling of being away from my babies, but ultimately it is so deep, so intense, so personal, that I'll never be able to clearly explain it.  And maybe that's okay, maybe that's the way it's meant to be.

Our little, big Max.

Whoever knew the nearly proper pronounciation of the word elephant would make the kids and I so sad today. Max can say "el-phant" versus "ela-fa-nent." He even properly said truck... versus the explicative version he's only ever said before.  As the kids quizzed him on other words, we all realized that our little Max is growing up. 

Today I signed him up for big boy swim lessons.  After almost three years of parent child classes I'm sad to be seeing my little guy moving on.  But he was ready, proudly swimming the whole length of the pool by himself last Wednesday, with only the aid of a puddle hopper.  Way to go Max!

Tonight after soccer, Sage was telling me how she was sad about her baby brother becoming a big boy.  When we arrived home, she raced upstairs to see if he was awake.  He was in bed, but not sleeping, so she snuck in his room.  We could hear the two of them giggling, sharing little secrets all their own.   

A little later, after she headed to bed and he called for me, I had my own snuggle time.  I rocked and sang him a few lullabies, including "sister Savannah's song." Yes, he might be growing up, but like his older siblings, he'll always be my baby. 

Good-night to all my babies.  I love you to the moon and stars and back.  

Hit the Target and Found Footies For Savannah

You could probably hear our laughter all through Target's dressing area.  Jerry said he could hear me across the whole store.  The funny thing is, that one of the people laughing was literally hundreds of miles away.  Thanks to technology, my daughter Savannah and I were both hootin' and hollering at the selfie I had just sent her of me posing in footie pajamas.

My Savannah has homecoming next weekend and as part of the festivities, they have a Throwback Thursday during spirit week.  So yesterday she asked me if I could get her some footie pajamas and send them to her.  Having sadly missed out on getting her a homecoming dress, I was grateful to be able to participate in some way, even if it meant purchasing giant size footies.

So via snapchat, we narrowed it down to a couple different styles and I decided to surprise her and put them on to check sizes as well as model them for her.  I tried on a small because that was the closest that was going to fit her and I wanted to see if the pjs were going to even be close.  They fit snug, but my gosh they were the most comfy things I think I've worn since I was a toddler and actually wore footies on a regular basis.  I was so jealous of Max that he got to sport such comfort every night and later told my husband I want a pair.  (If you want a pair visit Target.com)

Anyway, that's where the giggles and uncontrollable laughter cues in.  I called her and told her I sent a snapchat of them on me and the second that Savannah saw the picture, she lost it.  However, I knew I was in trouble when I saw she took a screen shot.  It was only a matter of seconds and she had shared it with her best friend and boyfriend.  What I have to admit, is that I loved every minute of it.  I loved being able to feel like we were actually together, school shopping of sorts, bonding over homecoming attire and laughing the whole time.  I say it frequently, but I am going to say it again... I miss her and Sam like crazy.  Maybe that's why I found myself, in Target's fitting room, in Max's pajamas, taking dreaded selfies.

I hope you like them Savannah Banana.  Maybe I will get another pair for me and we can be twins the next time we're together.

Good-night, I love you both, to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back!

Update:  My Savannah in her Snuggies!!!

"You are missing from me"

Savannah tweeted this picture today and reading it literally brought tears to my eyes.  The words speaking volumes.  

I'm not sure who wrote this, but I thank them for describing a feeling that sometimes is too immense that even I have a hard time expressing. 

"You are missing from me."

Savannah and Sam, when you are not here that is how I feel.  A part of my heart, my soul is gone.  

The other day Saxton and I had a conversation about how each of your children hold a special place in your heart.  One can't replace another.  The only time I truly feel whole is when they're all with me, under one roof.  

That's heaven.  

Some days are harder than others, but most days the wishes are simple, to see Savannah smile in the way that truly lights up her whole face and brings sunshine to a room and to my life.  To have Sam there to just hug and share a quiet moment.  He's always been a momma's boy and I miss him like crazy!  They're my babies and my heart truly aches every second they're gone.  

I love you my sweet Savannah and Sam to the moon and stars and back...

Between the Raindrops

Between the Raindrops

My sister Colleen actually had this as her wedding song and we were listening it on the way home from Seattle tonight.  Considering the weather the last few days and my feelings as I write this blog, I felt this title was appropriate.  

If you consider the symbolism of moving "between the raindrops" that is how I have felt these last few days and hours of having my four oldest together.  It went way to fast and almost as if it was just a  moment.  The last three summers I have been blessed to have more time, but it just wasn't in the cards this summer.  Unfortunately I had less than a week and for that I am truly sorry.  However, I did my best to enjoy the time and have a couple of days (Sunday and today) where we spent most of the day out and about.  

The other symbolism behind this song is that the last two days we had raindrop moments.  Yesterday it started to just downpour.  Savannah was so funny, not quite used to our swift moving torrential coastal rains.  At one point Savannah, Max and I were running around in the rain and then all stood under an umbrella.  We just stayed there in the curb letting the rain run between our toes, every once in a while Max would puddle jump and even chased his sister around the cul-de-sac.  I loved it.  Stopping time for the rain.

Today, after a bit of a late start, we headed to Seattle to the Pacific Science Center.  After finding parking a few blocks away we walked through a few parks and by the city park water fountain.  Although we had a fun day enjoying the laser show, an IMax movie about planes and just playing around; one of the kids favorite things was the fountain. No matter the weather, we enjoyed it both on the way to and from the PSC.  However on the way out, we stayed for awhile and even as the rain came down I had fun just photographing my littles enjoying themselves, playing and running "between the raindrops."  Life is crazy, busy and full of just doing, but as I heard somewhere, you also have to just be.  I feel like this week happily I was given a few of these moments, including the one that Jerry photographed. Nonetheless, it's only appropriate that we are all a bit wet in the picture that he took, because sadly as we know, eventually luck and time run out and the rain finally reaches us.    

  

Four am and wide awake.

I haven't been able to sleep.  It's almost like having a new baby and that adrenaline that you feel in those first days.  Yesterday morning I woke up at four and actually went and crawled in bed with Savannah (Sam is in a twin bed, she has always won the queen.)  I have just missed them so much and knowing they are here makes each morning feel like Christmas.  But just like Christmas, this too shall end and on Friday, Sage and Saxton head to Indiana to their dad's and I will be left with that empty feeling again.  So today (when I was laying in bed wide awake at 4, again,) I had the idea to all go to Saxton's class for lunch and surprise her.  (Saxton has a summer birthday and never is able to celebrate during school.)  So after we got home from walking the girls to school, we made a Safeway run and bought birthday cup cakes (made special for her at the request of my hubby).   All five of her siblings were there (Sage was even able to come to her room) and she was able to show them off.  It was very sweet (no pun intended) and God bless her teacher who let me and my brood invade his space.

The rest of the day the kids just hung out and after dinner we met their Aunt, Uncle and Cousin at the house to show them it's progress and then came back to our current house for desert.  Even with one child short, the house was still fill buzz with all the kiddos running around.  But I loved it.  The noise reminds me they're here.  (As does the laundry, which has been going pretty much non stop.  It may sound nuts, but it makes me happy to have all the reminders of a full house, which I know soon enough will start to empty.)

Yesterday I was driving in the car with all of them and the reality of having all of my babies in the same place was so overwhelming.  Just the simple act of having them all together, it didn't matter what we were doing, it just felt so wonderful.  Last night I attempted to capture this by taking pictures of all six of them.  (It was one of my last opportunities where I had all six together.)  This was quite humorous and successful in the fact that they all agreed to sit still in the same place for more than sixty seconds.  We bribed Max with Chocolate, tried to include Puppy and then realized that was another complication.  It was quite the undertaking.  I guess that's the joy of taking your own photos, if it doesn't work out, you're not out any money.  For me, they don't have to be perfect, I just love that all their little faces, even if just for a moment, are together.

Silly faces!

Sill faces.  Saxton thought I said serious faces.

Savannah trying to tell Puppy to go to dad.

Puppy comes to mom instead.