Something's just can't be rebuilt.

Something's just can't be rebuilt.  This might sound negative, but it's the conclusion I've come to after dealing with everything that's been rattling around in my brain the last few days. Someone commented on my post showing the destruction in Colorado, they pointed out the fact that they'll rebuild the road to Estes and life will go on.  While the point is valid, it just doesn't take into consideration all the damage done in the meantime, the homes lost, the landscape that's been changed and what's happened to innocent people's lives.  All of that can't be perfectly rebuilt.  Something's will never be able to be the same.  

Today I was looking at old pictures, which is always very bittersweet and emotional.  I came across some of the kids at Estes Park (and the morning before we left) when we took my sister, niece and the kid's grandpa who were visting.  The kids all looked so little and unassuming.  Little did they know what was ahead of them, how their life as they've known it would be gone in one fail swoop of a signature on separation papers. A moment of calm before the storm.  

Yes, they'll rebuild, but in a different way.  Hopefully they will take into consideration what has taken place and how they can try to prevent the same thing from happening again.  There will be new homes, new memories made.  However the old ones will still linger, in  photographs and stories, hopefully preventing all the destruction that took place from truly taking everything. 

Dave Matthews and a Grey Street to divorce.

"Oh how she wishes it was different

She prays to God most every night

And though she swears He doesn't listen

There's still hope in her He might

She says I pray

But oh that they fall on deaf ears

Am I supposed to take it on myself

To get out of this place"

Dave Matthews - Grey Street

Four years ago today began the first days of the rest of my life.  On Sunday we had arrived back in Colorado from Indiana visiting family and friends, as well as getting Sage and Saxton baptized.  Monday was my wake up call that my Ex wanted a divorce.  He had told me as much in Indiana, however being home the reality had finally set in.  Fast Forward

Last Sunday my baby sister Colleen, her husband Jed, my husband Jerry and I went on a road trip to the Gorge to see my beloved Dave Matthews.  (I have seen him several times before, the first being March 7th, 1995 in Fort Wayne, Indiana.)  As I have mentioned before, he is my favorite, the soundtrack to my life.  As he sang each song, my smile grew larger, the lyrics rolled effortlessly off my tongue and my body danced a silly dance... I was truly content.  (The Head and The Heart and Lord Huron opened and they were both wonderful!!!)

Dave Matthew's Set List for September 1st, 2013 courtesy  of Dave Matthew's Band Website

 1.  One Sweet World 

 2.  Squirm 

 3.  The Best of Whats Around 

 4.  When The World Ends 

 5.  Recently 

 6.  (Water Into Wine) 

 7.  Gravedigger 

 8.  If Only 

 9.  Lie In Our Graves 

10.  Gaucho 

11.  Kashmir 

12.  Digging a Ditch 

13.  Drive In Drive Out 

14.  Lover Lay Down 

15.  Pig 

16.  Crush 

17.  Snow Outside 

18.  Funny The Way It Is 

19.  Pantala Naga Pampa 

20.  Rapunzel 

-------- ENCORE -------- 

21.  Some Devil *

22.  You and Me 

23.  Grey Street 

Show Notes:

* Dave Solo

 (song name) indicates a partial song

  indicates a segue into next song

Dave never disappoints and sang for close to three hours,  ending with a spectacular encore and a song very close to my heart, Grey Street.

Over thirteen years ago I met a special friend on a Mom's Website called Babycenter.  After logging hundreds of hours on the phone and sharing our lives via the internet,  we finally met each other in New York City in 2005 (I still remember braving the streets of NYC with my four littles ones, aged 1, 3, 5 & 7 and her 3 & 5 year old).  Then in 2006, she came out with her two little ones to visit me.  Unfortunately my Ex overstepped his bounds with her and I lost her friendship for several years.  (We have since become friends again, all in part to my getting divorced.)  This re-connection was a positive step for me as she was one of the first people in my life to really encourage me to leave, to quit tolerating what was going on.  Also a huge Dave fan, she brought to my attention how "Grey Street" was almost a mantra to my life, even sent me a bootlegged version she had come across.  Looking back now, I can only thank her for letting me know that I did have a choice to "kick out the windows" and get out. 

After the concert Jerry and I (My sister, who is now almost 13 weeks pregnant and her husband headed home a little before us) walked with the mass of Dave fans who like us, were also camping at the Gorge.  It was so much fun to be with a literal swarm of people who were jovial and happy, some singing at the top of their lungs.  Our campsite was awesome and I fell asleep listening to the hum of the campground and the occasional firework.  As I though back to the final song, I realized that the emotions that flooded me as I listened to the words of Grey Street were endured in my past and it was time to put those feelings to rest.  I chose to instead think back how many of the other songs made me feel... cheerful and at peace, I held on to that, to carry into my future.  

Side Note:  Today begins another 30 days of posts... it's my dream to write and I won't get there if I don't start here.  This post is dedicated to my friend and our mutual love for DMB.  

    

        

Something Wicked is coming this Way

Someone very close to me is currently separated from their spouse with the understanding that they want a divorce.  They believe they are done.

This position sucks any-which way you look at it.  I have discussed divorce before and the bottom line is, you have to be at your rock bottom in order to put yourself through what can only be described as Hell.  As I have also said, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

On the other hand, if there is an up side to the whole process, it's the fact that if you ever doubted the person you were, or maybe lived in a fog, lied to yourself, or just plain ignored what your heart was telling you, that all has to end when going through a divorce.  Personally it was if I was waking up from a self-induced coma.  There was a healing to finally facing the reality of my life and making the choice to do something about it.    

I remember my counselor using the example of a voice inside of you, telling you what you don't necessarily want to hear.  At first it comes in a whisper, then a normal tone, then a shout and then finally it's as if someone is screaming at you to make a change, to do something.  When you finally do make that decision, your confirmation is that feeling of a thousand pounds being taken off your shoulders.  You find peace.

My message to my sweet loved one and those affected is, it does feel like something wicked has come into your life.  A dark cloud.  But I promise you, the sun does shine again.  Life is never perfect, heart ache never absent, but life is better, lighter, happier.  Your heart free and available to love truly, maybe for first time.  

Side Note:  Today was totally hectic, running here and there, literally.  Then tonight I went to Sage's band concert (Jerry was able to meet me at the school, get the boys and pick up Saxton from soccer so I could actually listen to her play.)  Anyway, at one point the stars aligned and everyone was playing on key and in unison, allowing the music to lift you up.  This is a perfect analogy to my post.  Sometimes, you just have to deal with all the chaos in order to finally find a moment of perfect harmony.  

Lost Love

I don't often post about specific details from the days leading up to my move here, but today an old soul prompted me to do so.

As I was heading through the woods this evening on a bike ride, I saw a huge Great Dane.  He was in the middle of the path and because there were people everywhere, I assumed he was with someone.  However, on my way home, he was there again, this time all by himself.  So I stopped, tried to get him to follow me and he did for a minute, but then he just seemed nervous.  Two young girls came riding along and with their help, we got him to trust us enough to read the number on his tag.  I called it and as I waited for his owners to come, my mind went back to my Great Dane, Athena.  When they came to pick him up and we chatted about Danes, I had to leave because I became choked up.  I missed my sweet girl.
 
This wasn't the first time I've had this reaction, it's happened several times before. A few weeks ago while at the Puyallup Farmer's Market with the girls and Max, I wrote on twitter, "Just saw a Great Dane that looked like my old Athena and it brought me to tears.  The past can really hurt.  #love #lost #divorce #sucks"  These words are so true and raw.  Divorce sucks and the casualties that come of it are truly heartbreaking.

Growing up I had always wanted a Great Dane and finally when we moved to Colorado, my dream became reality when we brought home a five month old gangly black puppy.  She was awesome from the beginning, very loving towards the kids and my best friend.  It used to crack me up how she'd follow me around, sit on the tiny rug while I brushed my teeth and even wiggle herself in with me in our tiny toilet room off our bathroom and always found a way to gracefully snuggle herself next to me on my bed.  She didn't leave my side.  One of our things was to go for late night walks, they were what kept me sane and she was my faithful partner and loved me like dogs do, unconditionally.  I cried with her, told her things that were bothering me and counted on her for protection as I walked for hours along dark paths and streets, sometimes even after midnight.  I loved her, she was my guardian angel in the form of a big, wonderful dog.

As the move date grew closer, even though I struggled to find a place that would allow me to keep her, I had hope that something would come through.  Unfortunately I never got that chance.  One night, just after I had headed over to my neighbors to go to bed, someone called to inform me that Athena was running around out front in the snow.  I went out and saw her and all her things out on the front porch.  My ex had kicked her out.  I lost it.

Things had gotten to the point that I no longer was able to sleep in my own house and I was sleeping at my neighbor's on their couch in the basement.  There are certain people who come into your lives and save you and two true examples, are my friends Liz and Brad.  Brad was kind enough to go get her things in order to avoid an episode in front of the kids (who were already very upset at what was happening.)  I was just besides myself and Brad knew I was in no condition to face my ex.

Unfortunately, She couldn't stay with me at my neighbors, although they strongly considered it, but she was too big and they had a new baby and small toddler and I was leaving for a flight the next day.  So, left with no other options, I had to let her go.  With a very heavy heart, I called Great Dane Rescue and a little while later, after one last walk, they came and picked her up.  Honestly, I've only taken Xanax once in my life, and it was that night.  My neighbor had a fear of flying and gave me one like a mother might give a child medicine in hopes to make them feel better.  My heart was broken.  The reality of what was happening to my life was so heavy and heart wrenching, that even the memory of that moment still brings me to tears.  I believe it was a culmination of the loss of my beloved companion and the realization that this was just the first of many casualties of my divorce that finally hit me that fateful night.    

Athena was well trained (we went to puppy and dog class at Petsmart and she was even trained enough for me to take her to a local retirement home.) and such a lover that she was able to find a home almost immediately.  Even knowing this, my heart still hasn't healed from losing her.  Maybe she was symbolic to all that I would lose from my divorce and was a foreshadowing of the difficult days, weeks, months and now years of being away from my two oldest babies.  What a do know, is that any memory or reminder of her still haunts me to the point where I break down on a sunny Saturday at a farmer's market or a Sunday evening in the woods.  I will always love her and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting her down, after all, she was nothing but good to me.  For this reason, after a strange meeting with a similar old soul tonight, just reminded me that sometimes a heart truly doesn't heal. Yes, the pain might fade a little, but eventually, when you least expect it, you round a curve and it's there, right in the middle of your path, waiting for you.
  

This post is dedicated to two people who also loved me unconditionally and opened their home, more than once, to a lost and scared soul. I love you guys!!! And to my Athena Momma, I hope one day we can meet again and I can say both I love you, I am sorry and thank you.  

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

Death by Divorce

Tonight my husband and I were playing around on Google Earth and I decided to show him my bike route from my house in Fort Collins to Colorado State.  My last semester before I graduated, I made a vow not to drive my car to class and to ride instead.  Thinking back over that I time, I remembered how much I loved those rides.  The path was beautiful and it allowed me a fresh start in the morning and a stress-decompression time in the afternoon.  Recalling memories from this time in my life, is almost like recalling a dream.  I haven't been back to Fort Collins since I moved.  This isn't because I didn't like it there, I did.  I think it is more because I needed time to lick my wounds and heal from my divorce and the pain I went through leading up to that point.

Until last June, I also had not been back to the Midwest since my last visit there with my Ex to baptize Sage and Saxton.  It was there and then that he told me he wanted a divorce.  The act of going back and reliving those, as well as other painful memories of the past was not easy.  It was as if I was dealing with the death of part of me, years of my life lost in a void of space and time.

Maybe my experience is unique in the fact that I did move so far away at the very moment that one part of my life ended and another began.  Not only that, I moved to a place where no one knew me.  They didn't know what I had been through, who my friends were, anything about the journey I had been on with my four oldest children.  It was like starting my life completely over, a clean slate.  However, it also meant the near death of my past, both good and bad, including memories of my life with my Ex and our experiences with our four children, family and friends.  You could liken it to the act of getting rid of a tumor, where sometimes you have to lose good tissue and healthy parts of yourself in order to get rid of the bad.

This "death" is hard sometimes.  I often wish to bridge the gap between my two worlds and allow some of the good to come over into my new life.  Most importantly, I don't want my children to lose their memories because of the association with the negative.  They experienced their childhood during those times and deserve to cherish special memories, as well as feel free to talk about them.  As an example, my Ex and I took several cross country road trips, spanning several states.  These unique trips are still priceless to me as I recall introducing my children to the ocean for the first time, the mountains, great cities and spectacular monuments of our country.  These are the moments that deserve to live.

Our bodies and minds are amazing things.  When we are injured, broken, our body knows to shut down and only run the most important functions in order to heal.  People who have grave brain injuries often go into comas in order to allow for this necessary healing.  I think painful emotional experiences result in a similar phenomenon.   We shut down and only deal with what we have to until we are better.  Then, as we "awake" again, we might feel pain, and have to conceptualize our injury, but hopefully we have had enough healing time in order to deal with it.

I still have rough days as a result of what I have been through and continue to go through,  but thankfully the good far outweigh the bad.  I am finally able to begin to look back and bring life to those memories.  I believe this is all part of the healing process and hopefully someday I can permanently bridge the gap between my pre-divorce and after life.  Until then, I'll liken the process to my rides back in Colorado, and I'll remember the joy of the experience instead of the dips in the road.