Finding Contentment in the Heartland.

My beautiful cousin Christi and I. 

My cousin's youngest Madeline and Ginger

I have been periodically going for walks with a friend of mine who I will identify as my "Spiritual Leader."  He might shy away from such a title, but I think it fits him.  He has been helping me to find God again.  Not necessarily in a way that my traditional Catholic ways encouraged, but more in the way I needed.  A way that led to me praying with more flourish and trust.  Isn't that what God wants of us?  To trust him with the issues and people closest to our hearts and heaviest on our minds?  I believe so. 

My baby driving me around for the first time!

My sweet Tameca.

Today my SL (Spiritual Leader)  used the analogy of a pounding surf and either allowing the problems and stresses of our life to slowly erode away our shore, or stand strong and hold our position.  To become Rocks in a Jetty of sorts.  I took to the analogy.  Anything to do with the sea and the magic of the boundary between land and water, the edge of the earth, the end of a journey or the beginning, speaks to me.  I have loved this blog, now over three years old.  I respect it and the freedom of speech that I am entitled to.   I want to be honest and sometimes that's scary and I would rather stay silent then to write empty paragraphs.

My brother Matt and sister Colleen

Lately I have been feeling the effects of the heaviness of life. I have been unable at times to shake the exhaustion that comes from carrying too much for too long.  For trying too hard to fix everything, defend my actions, make right the world.  I have to hand over the responsibility to others.   An analogy my SL gave me was how often times others will throw their anger, nastiness, issues, hatred and negativity at you like a ball in hopes you will catch it and maybe even throw it back bringing you down to their level.  I have to learn to allow the ball to drop.  Sometimes it's okay to just let the ball fall and walk away.  One of my husband's favorite sayings is, "Just because they say it, doesn't make it true."  Just because they throw it at you, doesn't mean you have to catch it, carry it or keep it.  Just let it drop.

Loving on my niece Alannah.

Sam and his Uncle Jed.

Love at first sight.

I went back to Indiana a few weeks ago to see my two oldest babies.  (I know they are no longer "babies" but I use that term of endearment because I like what it means to me.) 
            There I go defending... I even do it in my writing.  That's another thing that I wish I could free everyone from, the need to defend themselves.  It's a trap I fall into, the need to explain, defend, instead of letting the ball drop.  Getting to see my babies meant seeing my Ex, driving with him the few miles to surprise my Savannah at school.  We proved we could be civil for more than a moment for the sake of our beautiful children.  It was worth every ounce of anxiety that I previously felt to see the look on her face when she realized I was the one in the passenger seat.  To watch her drop her back pack and run screaming and crying into my arms.  It was a perfect moment.
Later I was even able to sit across from him when we went to lunch with Savannah and her friend.  I wish we could have extended the civility to the drop off, but we still have a long way to go in the healing process.  And unfortunately sometimes the situation just is what it is.

Loving on Grandma. My Angel in My Life.

Girlfriends!

Love is giving your friend a much needed pedicure

!

While I was in Indiana, I had this moment of pure contentment.  My girlfriend Leslie decided I needed a pedicure and with the help of her two oldest (who were doll babies and even gave Savannah, Sam and I their rooms for two nights), set it up right there on her back patio.  Sam was there with a grin and Savannah too, as well as another one of my dearest friends and I was just happy.  The anxiousness of traveling, flying to Chicago, driving to Indy and the stress of the unknown with my Ex just melted away.  I was surrounded by love and friendship.  I allowed myself to be happy.  I absorbed all the love I received from that trip, from my cousin in Chicago, my siblings, my family, my grandma, my beloved friends and their children and from my sweet babies and allowed myself to let go.  Take the best and leave the rest. 

A whole bunch of littles and even missing three!

I also realized yet again how incredibly blessed I am to have people envelope me in their arms, no matter how long its been.  One example is my friend Tameca.  We hadn't seen one another in years, but it may as well have been only a moment.  The love and friendship still there, still strong and she literally stood arm and arm with me as my Ex pulled up.  That feeling of solidarity that never left no matter the length of time that had passed.  Each and every hug I received, from my Best Friend Leslie's husband's famous bear hugs to my delicate embrace with my Grandma reminded me that no matter what you can count on love.  Moments such as holding my beautiful new baby niece for the first time and a middle of the night giggle fest with Savannah as we enjoyed a priceless slumber party at Leslie's, prompted me to enjoy the simple moments of contentment.  They are not something you can buy or even plan, they just happen.

My loves... Leslie, Lauri and Jen

It's ironic, as I type this the rain comes and goes, as does the sunshine and for a few moments I am able to enjoy them both.  I say this because I have learned to embrace the rain, the clouds, the storms along with the sun.  I appreciate the sound of the rain on the trees, the shade of the clouds and the way the trees sound in a storm.  These are not things to curse, but to embrace.  The rain cleans my soul and the stale air that sometimes surrounds us.  It's funny because earlier today after my SL and I said our good-byes the rain really started to fall.  I initially ran, trying to beat the drops.  But then I stopped, walked and as the rain poured over me, I prayed for the it to wash away my worries.  I have felt better since.  

Leslie's Littles!

Lauri's Littles with mine!

My wonderful Cara!  She drove with me 27 hours to help move me to Washington!

My Sam!

My tendency is to feel anxiety, to worry, to feel fearful and count on the worst.  This is what a person's past can do to them.  However, my pledge to myself is to give all that to God.  I can't foresee the future, but I have to trust that I am on the right path.  If I am, then I have to have faith that God will help me along it.  To me that is my secret to contentment, knowing in my heart that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing and trusting God with the rest.  I guess I should take a lesson from my first real driving experience with my daughter Savannah, as terrifying as it is, sometimes you just have to let go and just trust someone else to take the wheel.   

It's not just another day Sam, It's so much more to me, you're so much more!

Sam on his fifth birthday 3/24/05

Today my oldest son Sam turned 14.  While I was lucky to be able to Facetime with him quite a bit, he did say something that made me sad, he said that today was just another day, downsizing it's importance.  I quickly told him otherwise, that today is one of the best days of my life.  Today marks the birthday of one of my first true loves, my sweet Sam.

 

In honor of my Sam's birthday, I want to tell you a story that exemplifies his kind heart.  This past summer Sam and Savannah we here (with Max) and were our major helpers in our move.  (Sage, Saxton and Brayden were all gone.)  After doing the majority of moving ourselves, we were all exhausted.  A few nights into our new home, I commented how I was so tired that I wished someone would just carry me to bed.  That is just what Sam did.  My almost six foot tall son scooped me up and laughing the whole way, just about made it up the stairs and too my room.  Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.  That's my Sam's heart. 

Sam's a rare breed.  He's a defender, a love with your whole heart and soul, do what you can to make people happy kind of guy.  He's a love bug who has always loved to snuggle.  He's a hard worker and a loyal friend.  He's a diamond in the rough.  He's amazing.  I'm so lucky he's my son.  

To quote Sam's favorite artist, Bob Marley
"Some people feel the rain, others just get wet"

My dear Sam, continue to march to the beat of your own drum.  The world is full of people that can be defined as "popular" "normal" "part of the crowd."  Don't be them, be you.  Be that little boy who wore slacks, a dress shirt and a sweater vest to kindergarten.  Be different, spectacular and most important be yourself.  "Unique" is a compliment.  "Weird" is a badge of honor, because it means you are living your life thinking outside of the box, dancing to the music you love in the soundtrack of your life.  Happiness is feeling the freedom to be who you are no matter what.  As your integrity and sincerity becomes apparent to those around you, you'll shine in a room full of darkness.  Remember the Bob Marley quote and the day that you, Savannah and I ran in the rain, laughing the whole while.  That's the secret to life.

 

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, I love you more than you know, I love you to the moon and stars and back.
Love, Mom

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. - Bob Marley - See more at: http://quotesnsmiles.com/quotes/20-classic-bob-marley-quotes/#sthash.AjOM5xO2.dpuf

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. - Bob Marley - See more at: http://quotesnsmiles.com/quotes/20-classic-bob-marley-quotes/#sthash.AjOM5xO2.dpuf

"To Build A Home"

"Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees"

The Cinematic Orchestra 

I've always loved music, but even more I love the messages told through the lyrics.  I love when you can't find the words and then a song comes on and helps you to express exactly how you feel. There are also those times when a song can dive so deep into your soul that you didn't even realize such a place existed.  That's what happened last night when I heard a song that Savannah had mentioned on her twitter.  She was "obsessed" with it and I wanted to know why.  

When Savannah, Sam and I have moments that are just us, we immerse ourselves in songs and discuss their meaning, or sometimes we just let the message roll over us.  (Maybe because they're a little older and because all we've been through, our music taste is mutual.)  The majority of these moments are in the car, maybe just driving from the airport or most likely we're on an adventure, like when we drove to Forks this past summer.  Savannah, Sam, Max and I drove away from most everything and wound up in far NW Washington at the edge of where the ocean meets the sea.  During times like these, music is almost heard as a soundtrack, and gives special meaning to the moment.  As we laugh and talk and explore the literal or figurative uncharted territory in our lives, music enhances our journey.

"Where are you going
With your long face
Pullin' down
Don't hide away,
Like an ocean
That you can't see
But you can smell
And the sound of waves crash down.
I am no superman
I have no reasons for you.
I am no hero,
Aw that for sure,
But I do know one thing,
That's where you are is where I belong.
I do know
Where you go, 
Is where I wanta be."

Dave Matthews 

Dear Savannah and Sam,

Always let the music you hear, 

Help the constant healing in your heart.

Love you to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back.  Love,  Momma 

Pregnancy Pre-Parenting and how Love ultimately wins over.

My baby sister Colleen and her husband Jed are just a little over a month away from the birth of their first child, they are expecting a little girl.   They were out of town working on Jed’s family’s ranch, so I was only able to spend a few days with them during my October visit to New Mexico.  But the day Max and I left, we went with Colleen to Target to give her some ideas on what to register for, it meant a lot to me to be able to get a little bit of time with her during the most amazing time of her life, her first pregnancy  As I looked around and took in all the baby inventory, I realized that I could give her opinions on what she’ll need for the baby, but what she had needed most, or maybe not, was a little sisterly advice. 

Earlier in the day, Colleen, her husband, Max and I went to get some breakfast burritos from Blakes Lotaburger, they are by far the best in town!   While we were driving and chatting, I was handing out my two cents on being a new parent.  I tried to not be overwhelming and reminded them to just take all the advice they get with a grain of salt, because the truth is, ultimately they will have to figure most of it out on their own. 

One example I did give (in much less detail than I’m about to give you), went back to when I was pregnant with Savannah, who is my first.  My Ex and I were just a few weeks away from her delivery and were on our way home from our birthing class.  We lived in Chicago at the time and the drive from Lake Forest (where I had her) to our apartment was quite long.  Anyway, I don’t remember how it came up, but somehow a discussion began about where Savannah would sleep after she was born.  Our chat soon turned to an argument as he informed me that she was going to sleep in her own bed in our second bedroom/office when she was a week old.  I started to cry, the idea of my baby sleeping in an office all by herself was just too much for me.  After all, she was used to being with her momma.  When we got back to our apartment I went out to this gazebo and just cried.  I couldn’t imagine myself being separated from her.  I tabled the discussion and hoped that my Ex would change his mind, although he was insistent he wouldn’t. 

On May 5^th, after getting pulled over by the police twice as we raced to the hospital, our first child and first daughter was born bright and early and full of sunshine.  I will never forget the love that flooded me and to this day the thought of her birth still brings tears of happiness to my eyes.  Our lives would never be the same. 

I remember the day we brought her home, I was anxious at the idea that I was responsible for this tiny little person and terrified that I wouldn’t do a good job being her mother.  She was perfect and immediately the best thing that had ever happened to me, I was head of heels in love.

As I was leaving, one of the nurses gave me her direct line and told me to call her if I had any issues, I took the number gratefully.  Several sleepless nights later I took her up on her promise.  Savannah wasn’t sleeping in her bed (a pack-n-play set up in our room.)  She’d nurse and fall asleep, but as soon as I’d move her, she’d wake up and start screaming.   I told the nurse that I was exhausted, but to hear her cry was heart wrenching.  Then she taught me the best trick ever, side lying nursing (see link.)  She instructed me how to lay down, my arm in such a way to prevent me from rolling on her and breastfeed her. (One bit of advice is to put a changing pad under both of you to catch breast milk.  This way you don't have to change all your sheets or sleep in a wet spot.)   

Anyway, I tried it as we were on the phone and it worked!  It was a miracle and from that point on, both of us slept peacefully, nestled together like two pieces of a puzzle.   Needless to say the whole apartment slept better and several weeks later she wasn’t sleeping in the other room, but right beside me.  By the time she was about three months and sleeping longer stretches, she moved to her porta crib, still located in our room.  When she was about five months old we moved into a house, it was only then that she did sleep part of her night in a crib in her very own room.

The lesson from this story is that until that baby is in your arms; don’t set your parenting rules in stone.  Flexibility is a must.  It’ll save you and your partner a lot of grief.  You’ll never love anything like your children, you just won’t.  Even to this day when my now not-so-little-ones leave to fly to their dad’s, I feel that same panic, heartbreak and sadness that I felt that day out in the gazebo.  I guess that would be another lesson that I will preach over and over again, no matter how old they are, your babies are always your babies.  

My "little" Savannah now. 

Our little, big Max.

Whoever knew the nearly proper pronounciation of the word elephant would make the kids and I so sad today. Max can say "el-phant" versus "ela-fa-nent." He even properly said truck... versus the explicative version he's only ever said before.  As the kids quizzed him on other words, we all realized that our little Max is growing up. 

Today I signed him up for big boy swim lessons.  After almost three years of parent child classes I'm sad to be seeing my little guy moving on.  But he was ready, proudly swimming the whole length of the pool by himself last Wednesday, with only the aid of a puddle hopper.  Way to go Max!

Tonight after soccer, Sage was telling me how she was sad about her baby brother becoming a big boy.  When we arrived home, she raced upstairs to see if he was awake.  He was in bed, but not sleeping, so she snuck in his room.  We could hear the two of them giggling, sharing little secrets all their own.   

A little later, after she headed to bed and he called for me, I had my own snuggle time.  I rocked and sang him a few lullabies, including "sister Savannah's song." Yes, he might be growing up, but like his older siblings, he'll always be my baby. 

Good-night to all my babies.  I love you to the moon and stars and back.  

Hit the Target and Found Footies For Savannah

You could probably hear our laughter all through Target's dressing area.  Jerry said he could hear me across the whole store.  The funny thing is, that one of the people laughing was literally hundreds of miles away.  Thanks to technology, my daughter Savannah and I were both hootin' and hollering at the selfie I had just sent her of me posing in footie pajamas.

My Savannah has homecoming next weekend and as part of the festivities, they have a Throwback Thursday during spirit week.  So yesterday she asked me if I could get her some footie pajamas and send them to her.  Having sadly missed out on getting her a homecoming dress, I was grateful to be able to participate in some way, even if it meant purchasing giant size footies.

So via snapchat, we narrowed it down to a couple different styles and I decided to surprise her and put them on to check sizes as well as model them for her.  I tried on a small because that was the closest that was going to fit her and I wanted to see if the pjs were going to even be close.  They fit snug, but my gosh they were the most comfy things I think I've worn since I was a toddler and actually wore footies on a regular basis.  I was so jealous of Max that he got to sport such comfort every night and later told my husband I want a pair.  (If you want a pair visit Target.com)

Anyway, that's where the giggles and uncontrollable laughter cues in.  I called her and told her I sent a snapchat of them on me and the second that Savannah saw the picture, she lost it.  However, I knew I was in trouble when I saw she took a screen shot.  It was only a matter of seconds and she had shared it with her best friend and boyfriend.  What I have to admit, is that I loved every minute of it.  I loved being able to feel like we were actually together, school shopping of sorts, bonding over homecoming attire and laughing the whole time.  I say it frequently, but I am going to say it again... I miss her and Sam like crazy.  Maybe that's why I found myself, in Target's fitting room, in Max's pajamas, taking dreaded selfies.

I hope you like them Savannah Banana.  Maybe I will get another pair for me and we can be twins the next time we're together.

Good-night, I love you both, to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back!

Update:  My Savannah in her Snuggies!!!

Sunflower for my sister

A sunflower for my sister.

I photographed this sunflower today with my sister in my heart and on my mind.  She's going through hell right now, so it's important that she knows that I'm here, her big sister has her back.  

A sunflower is special in that it can grow almost anywhere, under all kinds of conditions.  In tough situations it blooms beautifully, withstands the rain, then opens it's face and welcomes the sun.  

My sister, you're amazing and resilient, this too shall pass and I have faith in you.  I love you to the moon and stars and back.  

  

9-11-01

I've thought all day about what to write about today.  9-11 has become a day to remember a truly terrible moment in our country's history and all those mercilessly killed.  The lasting effects will be felt forever.

I found my old journal of posts to a mom's board from the day after 9-11-01 and I want to share them:

Written 9/12//01
"I did not get on yesterday because of busy connections and then to keep lines open in our area... I watched in disbelief, sadness and anger yesterday.  I did not turn the tv off for over twelve hours... I finally had to make myself go to bed.  I cried many times during the day thinking of all of those lost and trapped and of their families and friends.  Those brave firemen and women as well as the police that were lost... God bless them.

I like many of you was so scared yesterday and still am today.  How could anyone do something so horrible and evil?  AS I sit here pregnant with a tiny baby, I worry what they will face.   Savannah asked why I was crying yesterday and I had a hard time trying to explain to her what happened.  She has no idea the danger that she, as well as all of us were in.  I could only pray that we get whoever did this before they attack again..."

I remember this well.  I was pregnant with Sage and had just moved to New Mexico and was living with my parents for a few weeks until our apartment was ready.  Savannah was three and Sam was 17 months.  The reality of how that day changed all of our lives is still fresh in all of our hearts today.  The immense effect of 9-11 has had an affect on so many, those that were killed during the initial attacks, those lost due to working at the site, troops lost who have been fighting over seas a battle that was waged after 9-11, then all the poor families left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives.  Not to mention the innocence that was taken away from all those who experienced the scenes of the towers falling, planes crashing, people dying.  A true wake up call to an evil that many of us hadn't met until that day.

World Trade Center Site in NYC

Written 9/16/01
"...all those angels who lost their lives this week in this hell were just living their lives.  Working for their families, doing business, vacationing, visiting friends, families... innocent people taken from a human form of the devil.  He has me feeling an anger, as do all of those people trying to hurt us, that I have never felt before.  My blood truly boiled when I heard they were taking people into custody who were possibly making other attempts.  How could they look at the devastation they caused , the heartbreak and even fathom doing more?  I saw that clip on the father looking for his daughter and he said he would do anything to hear her holler at him again, as he broke down into sobs..."

9-11 Memorial

9-11 Memorial

I came to believe back then and I still hold true to this belief today, that we can't let them win.  I remember writing God Bless the USA with my mom across the cinder block wall behind my parent's house in side walk chalk.  My mom and I also stood on a street corner and handed out red, white and blue ribbons to passing cars.  At first we did it to just show support, but people starting giving us donations without us even asking.  We ended up giving all our donations to a local bank that was sending money onto New York to families who had lost a loved one.  When we headed out that day, we didn't have a set plan, we just had to do something!  Like many, we couldn't just sit idly by and feel defeated and heartbroken.  I know that many people across the country did similar acts, many wanted to help, donate, pledge their support for NYC, DC and our entire country.  That part was inspiring and the only way for us to show all those who were in mourning that their loved one had not been lost in vain.  That we wouldn't forget and we would spread beauty and love in their memory.

Cemetery at St. Paul's Chapel of Trinity Church in NYC with World Trade Center Site in the distance.

Today 9-11-01 feels like yesterday, the emotions and images burned into my mind and heart forever.  When I rocked Max tonight and sang him lullabies I was grateful that he wasn't here when 9-11 happened, hopeful that slowly things are getting better and that he won't ever have to witness such wicked acts.  Sadly I know I am being naive.  I know better.  I know what atrocities are still happening all over the world and will continue to happen until we truly are able to find world peace.  Maybe that peace will be found in Max's lifetime, I know I will do my best to encourage him to fight for it.

Side Note:  I took these photographs while paying my respects in NYC in 2009.  

"That not me", life with a toddler.

Tonight as Max and I headed upstairs, him holding my hand and both of us walking in the dark, he said to me out of the blue, "Monsters are scary.  I hate monsters.  Storms are scary, I hate them.  I like the dark, but I hate it to."  Words to live by.  When we got to my room, I asked him what he liked, he said, "I like frogs and grap-hoppers."  Just hearing his pronunciation of grass-hoppers made me smile and the whole conversation reminded me of why having a three year old is fun... sometimes these reminders are necessary at the end of a long day.

Earlier my husband opened the freezer and laughed out loud.  I asked him what he was laughing at and he had me come look.  There inside was a small black hand print, about the size of our little Max.  When we asked him about it, he said, "that not me."  Never mind that just minutes before I had caught him with a Klondike bar that he wasn't to have, just before dinner.  Life with a toddler.

My days are full, busy with housework, work-work, errands and running here and there.  But nothing keeps me busier than my children, but most especially my three year old Max.  He is up at dawn and off to the races.  He keeps us on our toes and while he can exasperate us (especially his siblings at times), make a lot of noise and scare us with his daredevil nature, he mostly makes us laugh and always makes us grateful that we have him in our lives.  Max has a way of looking at us with his crooked grin and a smile that radiates across his whole face, instantly melting our hearts.  He's my fifth three year old, but he reminds me of my first.  Savannah and him would have had a ball if they had been twins.  I guess in a way they are, just spread apart almost thirteen years.  My two little sprites, my two wild spirits.

I love all my babies and I feel blessed they are in my life.  Good night little ones, I love you all to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back!

  

Dave Matthews and a Grey Street to divorce.

"Oh how she wishes it was different

She prays to God most every night

And though she swears He doesn't listen

There's still hope in her He might

She says I pray

But oh that they fall on deaf ears

Am I supposed to take it on myself

To get out of this place"

Dave Matthews - Grey Street

Four years ago today began the first days of the rest of my life.  On Sunday we had arrived back in Colorado from Indiana visiting family and friends, as well as getting Sage and Saxton baptized.  Monday was my wake up call that my Ex wanted a divorce.  He had told me as much in Indiana, however being home the reality had finally set in.  Fast Forward

Last Sunday my baby sister Colleen, her husband Jed, my husband Jerry and I went on a road trip to the Gorge to see my beloved Dave Matthews.  (I have seen him several times before, the first being March 7th, 1995 in Fort Wayne, Indiana.)  As I have mentioned before, he is my favorite, the soundtrack to my life.  As he sang each song, my smile grew larger, the lyrics rolled effortlessly off my tongue and my body danced a silly dance... I was truly content.  (The Head and The Heart and Lord Huron opened and they were both wonderful!!!)

Dave Matthew's Set List for September 1st, 2013 courtesy  of Dave Matthew's Band Website

 1.  One Sweet World 

 2.  Squirm 

 3.  The Best of Whats Around 

 4.  When The World Ends 

 5.  Recently 

 6.  (Water Into Wine) 

 7.  Gravedigger 

 8.  If Only 

 9.  Lie In Our Graves 

10.  Gaucho 

11.  Kashmir 

12.  Digging a Ditch 

13.  Drive In Drive Out 

14.  Lover Lay Down 

15.  Pig 

16.  Crush 

17.  Snow Outside 

18.  Funny The Way It Is 

19.  Pantala Naga Pampa 

20.  Rapunzel 

-------- ENCORE -------- 

21.  Some Devil *

22.  You and Me 

23.  Grey Street 

Show Notes:

* Dave Solo

 (song name) indicates a partial song

  indicates a segue into next song

Dave never disappoints and sang for close to three hours,  ending with a spectacular encore and a song very close to my heart, Grey Street.

Over thirteen years ago I met a special friend on a Mom's Website called Babycenter.  After logging hundreds of hours on the phone and sharing our lives via the internet,  we finally met each other in New York City in 2005 (I still remember braving the streets of NYC with my four littles ones, aged 1, 3, 5 & 7 and her 3 & 5 year old).  Then in 2006, she came out with her two little ones to visit me.  Unfortunately my Ex overstepped his bounds with her and I lost her friendship for several years.  (We have since become friends again, all in part to my getting divorced.)  This re-connection was a positive step for me as she was one of the first people in my life to really encourage me to leave, to quit tolerating what was going on.  Also a huge Dave fan, she brought to my attention how "Grey Street" was almost a mantra to my life, even sent me a bootlegged version she had come across.  Looking back now, I can only thank her for letting me know that I did have a choice to "kick out the windows" and get out. 

After the concert Jerry and I (My sister, who is now almost 13 weeks pregnant and her husband headed home a little before us) walked with the mass of Dave fans who like us, were also camping at the Gorge.  It was so much fun to be with a literal swarm of people who were jovial and happy, some singing at the top of their lungs.  Our campsite was awesome and I fell asleep listening to the hum of the campground and the occasional firework.  As I though back to the final song, I realized that the emotions that flooded me as I listened to the words of Grey Street were endured in my past and it was time to put those feelings to rest.  I chose to instead think back how many of the other songs made me feel... cheerful and at peace, I held on to that, to carry into my future.  

Side Note:  Today begins another 30 days of posts... it's my dream to write and I won't get there if I don't start here.  This post is dedicated to my friend and our mutual love for DMB.  

    

        

"You are missing from me"

Savannah tweeted this picture today and reading it literally brought tears to my eyes.  The words speaking volumes.  

I'm not sure who wrote this, but I thank them for describing a feeling that sometimes is too immense that even I have a hard time expressing. 

"You are missing from me."

Savannah and Sam, when you are not here that is how I feel.  A part of my heart, my soul is gone.  

The other day Saxton and I had a conversation about how each of your children hold a special place in your heart.  One can't replace another.  The only time I truly feel whole is when they're all with me, under one roof.  

That's heaven.  

Some days are harder than others, but most days the wishes are simple, to see Savannah smile in the way that truly lights up her whole face and brings sunshine to a room and to my life.  To have Sam there to just hug and share a quiet moment.  He's always been a momma's boy and I miss him like crazy!  They're my babies and my heart truly aches every second they're gone.  

I love you my sweet Savannah and Sam to the moon and stars and back...

Silent Noise

I beleive The sea allows for a peaceful quiet by creating an immortal lull.  

After we arrived last night, we quickly unpacked so we could attempt a long awaited visit to the ocean.  It was just before dark and the marine layer was heavy.  As we came through the dunes, an erie mist prevented a clear view of the water, but the constant crash of the waves told us we had arrived. My heart was happy, my soul was calm.

As I stand here, the tide slowly buries my feet.  The only sound that is playing, is my favorite one of all.  With the hectic pace of life left behind, I literally feel the last remnants of stress being washed away out to sea.  

I love that this summer I have been blessed to bring all my babies to the ocean.  Hear their laughter and witness their smiles.  Life is better by the ocean and I'm grateful for the gift it has given to me. 

Love of a family

Today after a long chat with my sister, before we hung up, we told each other how much we loved one another, how grateful we were that we had siblings.  After all, things aren't always easy and life can break your heart.  What keeps you going is those people in your life that can pick you up off the floor, or better yet, are able to get down on the floor with you and just be. 

I can only speak on the behalf of my family, but to me the word family represents an almost indescribable unconditional love.  The kind where a voice can melt sadness and a smell elicit tears. 

Recently when my parents arrived at the airport, we played out a familiar scene of squeals, dancing hugs and happy tears.  Their visit went way to fast and their absence hung heavy.  There is always an sadness felt when family leaves, but the gift left behind is their presence in your heart. 

During their visit, I took a picture of my four youngest that I believe exemplified how a family can form into this wonderful little unit.  No matter how siblings come to be, love trumps all.  I love the photo because it was spontaneous.  We were at dinner with my parents at Max's favorite restaurant, The Hanger Inn.  After a beautiful day of hiking on Mt. Rainier we were all relaxed and now full.  The kids were checking out the planes and while at first the picture included just two, it slowly blended into all four.  Their smiles were genuine and their happiness clear.  They were "love."

Families can be complicated and unusual.  There is no one definition for what truly makes up a family, it's just a combination of many things and in the end always includes love.  My family is scattered over several states, but no matter where we are, we still feel one another's presence.  As I have told my Savannah and Sam, love can cross mountains, hills and seas, love will always find you.  

Good night my family, I love you all to the moon and stars and back!

Dinner and a movie.

Have you ever needed a break and you didn't realize it until after you received it? That's how I felt tonight at dinner.  It wasn't planned, just last minute because of a meeting with our real estate agent and the fact that most our house is packed in boxes.  So after I took a shower (it had been a couple days and my hair was in a perma bun on top of my head) and a trip to the house, we went to the Ram and had a yummy dinner and actual conversation. Just looking across the table at Savannah and Sam made me smile.  I just love that they're here!  Plus, Max was awesome and entertained himself by eating a massive bowl of Clam Chowder (that I think was originally Savannah's.) This may all sound simple, but the end result was a relaxed momma who was able to spend quality time with my littles and my honey.  

Afterword, at Savannah's request, we watched The Call and I'm not so relaxed anymore. (That was a scary movie, of which I really don't watch anymore and now I remember why.) Although I have to admit, the junk food binge and snuggle time with Savannah and Sam made the terrible nightmares I'm about to have all worth it.

Hike for Love.

I took this of Savannah hiking in the trees.

There is currently a virtual race on Facebook called a Run for the White House for Childhood Cancer.  I have blogged about it previously, but wanted to bring light to it again tonight, because as I was running this evening, I realized just how much it has become a daily part of my life, even affecting the choices I make.  

A good Samaritan took a picture of all four of us.

This was the case yesterday when instead of heading home, we decided to stay and hike down to one more beach in our spontaneous visit to far Northeastern Washington.  I had found out that in order to get to this particular beach, we had to hike almost a mile through rain forest.  Part of the reason behind my stopping is because I did the math and I knew with all three of us hiking (Max was in a pack on my back), it would add at least four and half miles to our total for the day.  With my oldest two here and having to pack my house for our hopeful move next week, I have not been able to get as many miles in and that has bothered me.  (I joked today that I need to get a pedometer because of how much I'm on my feet and making trips up and down the stairs.)

Sam hiked out to this rock!  He loved it!

 So we decided on the hike and I am so glad we did, the forest was gorgeous and the beach was stunning.  I remember walking through the waves with Savannah and telling her about the virtual walk and it being the deciding factor for doing this hike instead of heading home.  We both stopped and said a little prayer for the little ones we are running/walking/hiking/biking for.  With them as my inspiration, they gave me the gift of an unforgettable memory.

Sam took this of Savannah, Max and I.  He's kissing my cheek!

It is often said to not let the suffering of a child (or anyone for the matter) to be done in vain.  Instead, hold them in your heart as a reminder to not take life for granted and that each day is precious.  My experience at the ocean also taught me to cherish the moments where life surprises you and pauses for a moment of pure joy.  Thank you Brian for being a beacon to so many in your quest to help bring light to the tragedy of Childhood Cancer.  This hike is in honor of you, your son and all the little ones battling cancer.       

Savannah capturing a bit of the sea and sand to remember the day.