Something's just can't be rebuilt.

Something's just can't be rebuilt.  This might sound negative, but it's the conclusion I've come to after dealing with everything that's been rattling around in my brain the last few days. Someone commented on my post showing the destruction in Colorado, they pointed out the fact that they'll rebuild the road to Estes and life will go on.  While the point is valid, it just doesn't take into consideration all the damage done in the meantime, the homes lost, the landscape that's been changed and what's happened to innocent people's lives.  All of that can't be perfectly rebuilt.  Something's will never be able to be the same.  

Today I was looking at old pictures, which is always very bittersweet and emotional.  I came across some of the kids at Estes Park (and the morning before we left) when we took my sister, niece and the kid's grandpa who were visting.  The kids all looked so little and unassuming.  Little did they know what was ahead of them, how their life as they've known it would be gone in one fail swoop of a signature on separation papers. A moment of calm before the storm.  

Yes, they'll rebuild, but in a different way.  Hopefully they will take into consideration what has taken place and how they can try to prevent the same thing from happening again.  There will be new homes, new memories made.  However the old ones will still linger, in  photographs and stories, hopefully preventing all the destruction that took place from truly taking everything. 

September 10, 2004 When the past becomes present.

I found an old journal of mine and contemplated on what to share.  It was hard to read what I wrote and I contemplated on what to share tonight.  I decided to play it safe and type word for word my recollections of Savannah (6) , Sam (4) , Sage (2) and Saxton (13 months).  This is typed word for word.  The side notes are thoughts I added this evening.  

May 2004 Florida:
First time in the ocean

Sam is an "ultra sensitive child."  He's rather be naked than clothed.  He has been carrying some new underwear and shorts I got him a week or so ago around.  In the am he puts them on the couch in the family room and then takes them to bed with him at night.  He is super picky about what he wears. 

Side note:  I totally remember this.  I think I have a picture somewhere of his neat bed and his little tidy pile of his stuff.  He is still that way, he has little mementos and things from years ago and takes care of them.  Sam has always been organized and conscious of his things and personal hygiene.  I remember he would change his clothes if he got even one drop of water on them.  My cute, sweet, sensitive Sam.

Sage is a sweet girl, but into EVERYTHING!  She loves my contact solution, starting baths and playing with the bath soap.  Oh and toilet paper!  Wednesday (9/8) she peed on the potty and pooped last week on the potty as well.  She loves her Bubby (bear) and now the Halloween cat I got her on 9/7.    She often takes her diaper off and tries to clean her own poop.  Messy! 

Side note:  my little seek and destroy.  She was so quiet in her antics.  All this and she was only two and a half!  i still have her Bubby, as he ended up becoming a part of our family.  It's funny, she just asked about when she became potty trained... now she can read about it.

Saxton is a wonderful baby.  Fussing mostly only when she wants food or drink.  She smiles all the time.   She can stand on her own from sitting (has been doing that for about a month), but gets nervous and drops down when you try and get her to walk.  She sucks her thumb still and likes to suck with fuzzys like Sage and will often suck with left behind fuzz from Sage.  She sleeps well and naps well.  (Now Sam is back in her room.) Sage and Savannah are together in the front room sharing a mattress.

Side note:  Saxton was a good baby.  I was really lucky to have really sweet babies.  They didn't sleep too well until they were about a year, but they were so pleasant that I overlooked that part.  I must note, that little Savannah was a bit of a stinker with bedtime, I think because she was the first and I was only 21-22 years old, so what did I know?)

Savannah is a little "grown" person.  She picks out her own outfits and even reminds me of when she needs to go to the bus.  I got her an outfit today with a pretty "S" on the front in pink because I want her to know I love and think about her.  She told me yesterday she was winning the gold star competition for reading well and quiet.  She can be a bit of a "tattler," but I rely on her a lot to help with the kids.

Side note:  Savannah has been a hoot from a very early age, maybe even birth.  She had a twinkle in her eye out of the gate and sometimes, as a little person, it was hard to tell if she was smirking or smiling, in fact that's still the case.  I tell her that some people sparkle, some shine, but she goes a step further and has an iridescence about her.  She, like all my babies, is special and I love that they all beat to their own drums.

I remember when they were all small, this age in fact and people would see me out.  They often questioned if they were all mine and I would reply yes.  Then they would inevitably say, "you sure have your hands full."  It was almost as if I was holding four pumpkins I was about to drop.  I guess I did have my hands full, but also my heart.  Today as I read my own words and replay the memories in my mind, I would do almost anything to go back and scoop each one of those babies up and snuggle them at that age again.  Then I would get my sh*t together and not subject them for five more years to the fighting and ugliness they had to endure.

Having said that, I guess the blessing is, that at least I am reading these words while finally in a stable and loving relationship.  Additionally, in just a few days, (ten days, 22 hours and 16 seconds to be exact), I can finally hug my two oldest babies close and make some new memories.  Until then, I am grateful to have found this time capsule and still up in the air about what to share.  I had a lot to say back then and shared most of it solely to journal.  Maybe it's time for some of those thoughts to go beyond the pages that up until now have contained them.

May 2004:  Walt Disney World Mickey's Playhouse.

 

You don't remember...

As my oldest baby nears her fifteenth birthday, I have been looking through old photographs and remembering all those sweet, precious baby days. I realize she doesn't remember these moments, but I hope the love I enveloped her in, stays with her forever.

Dear Savannah,

You don't remember, but I loved you at first sight. Nothing prepares you for the first time you see your baby, especially your first born. I say this only because its the first time you feel this kind of love, the kind that is so pure, so true that you didn't even believe it existed.

You don't remember, but I couldn't get you to sleep in your bassinet. I called the nurse after several sleepless nights and told her you'd cry as soon as I'd put you back in your bed after I'd nursed you. She suggested that I sleep with you and explained how to lay with you and nurse you in bed. It worked and you slept with me for weeks! We both slept so much better just because we were near one another. It's always so hard on my heart to be away from you.

I remember when you were three weeks old and we went to the lake with Kevin and Cara. I already felt like the time was flying by and I didn't want to put you down all day, so I carried you in my pouch, close to my heart.

I remember when you were four weeks old and you came to work with me. I was a full time nanny for three kids and had to use your dad's car with no air conditioning because my truck didn't have enough seats to drive them to horse lessons, ect... It was a hot summer, El Niño, and well over 100 degrees for several days. I had my first test as a mother when I had to refuse one day to drive the kids to the mall and elsewhere. It was too hot and you were so little. Thankfully the mom understood and agreed, but the kids moped around all day. I didn't care, I couldn't risk your health.

We were a team, you and I. I took you everywhere and loved to watch you grow and thrive. You were such a smiley baby, absolutely gorgeous and perfect in every way... Just like today.

What I want you to remember and never forget, is that I love you. You are my sunshine and I feel blessed everyday that you are mine.

I miss you! I love you! I wish you were here!

Love,
Momma

A day in my life...

Periodically I like to blog my days.  I think back to when my oldest four were little and some of those days, weeks and even months are a blur because of how busy I was.  I wish I had noted more so I could look back and remember some of that craziness!

Today was one of those crazy days.  I woke up in a start and had the bright idea to mow the lawn and try the mulching function.  Well I didn't know that a frost covered lawn would just clump, not mulch.  Note to self, don't mow at 7:15 am when there is still frost on your grass, all that happens is a messy mow and then your dog tracks it in all over your floor.  So I quit halfway through the backyard and came in to get the girls off to school and Max and I ready for the YMCA.

I was able to get in an hour of mom time and take a circuit (aka kick your butt) class before Max's swim lesson at 9:30.  It was nice to catch up with my circuit friends.  Max did awesome in child care, yeah for him!   Swimming went well and he was excited to even get some time in the toddler pool, his very favorite thing.  Off we headed to the arctic blast locker room to freeze, shower and then freeze again.  I swear they make it super cold so we hurry faster.  He was funny and wanted to sit on a stool, naked and have his snack and then get dressed.  As I noticed all the other naked butts that used the stools for the same thing, I convinced him to stay on his clean and sanitary towel instead.

After we got dressed, we chatted with the sports director about the soccer game schedule (thankfully the girl's games are at the same field in case they have a game at the same time) and then played some soccer in the racquet ball courts for a little while.  Max is hilarious and already a really good dribbler and kicker after watching his older siblings play.

Our next stop was the collision repair.  Our little car that we have had for a whole month got bit in the back yesterday by a bigger car driven by a distracted 16 year old driver.  (We traded in Jerry's beloved truck in order to buy our house.)  He didn't see that everyone was stopped for school busses and rear ended me on the way home from getting the girls.  All were okay and he was super sad and apologetic.  Thankfully he was also insured, but I still have to go through the pain of getting the car fixed.  Max was entertained by an elderly gentleman who lost his voice and spoke through a voice box and sounded like a robot, utterly fascinating to a two year old.

After we got our estimate, we only had a few minutes until the girls got out of school (half day Wednesdays),  we headed to the house and watched as they dug our sewer line.  We have been going over almost everyday and yesterday they finally poured the foundation!  (We wrote in the cement  last night, our own little messages that will be hidden under the floor.)   Max was entertained by the "huge crane."  He loved it and was so cute!

Off to get the girls and then home to get Max to bed.  Nap for him and cleaning and some Garden Critters work for me.

Fast forward two hours and I have to call a customer back (she was super sweet and understanding that I work from home) so the kids and I can go pick up Brayden from school.

We brought our glass recycling, so after we got Brayden, we had glass throwing therapy as we catapulted several dozen bottles and jars into the bins.  The kids love it!  Everyone should try it!

After glass chucking, they talked me into getting donuts (for Max) and apple fritters (for the older three) at the Orting Bakery.  It was buy one get one free fritter day so the kids were happy and we even brought home two for tomorrow (they're huge)!

Car ride = Music time!  Can't hear exact cause of fussing when your listening to the tunes.  Embarrassed Sage at a stop light as I boogied to a tune while we waited for our go sign.  Then I blasted some Opera to embarrass them all as we pulled into our neighborhood.  Love it!

Home.  Crazyness! Wrote a much needed email, finished mowing the grass and then had to get the girls ready for their first YMCA Soccer practice at 6:30 (different teams, same time- my second trip to the Y!)  A quick dinner that dad brought home and then the four kids and I were off!  (Dad had just gotten home and I left him for some P & Q)

Soccer practice was also crazy!  I attempted to watch both girl's practice while wrangling a running two year old.  Brayden came too and was really good (other than teaching Max how to tip a goal, literally!) Side note:  Thank goodness it was gorgeous out (we topped 70 degrees today).  Anyway, we ran around the fields, up the hills, watched the girls and had several trips to the playground to slide down the slide and cause small heart-attacks for me. (I am still a nervous wreck from Max's femur break last year and climbing causes me minor cardiac episodes.)

Practice over!  Find soccer balls then head home to hit the showers.   Dad takes over so I can call a customer back and begin typing up an order. Yeah! Happy to get those!  I am just about finished, but take a break to kiss good-night and finally take a shower (the second of the day, but the only one where I actually cleaned myself... the other was after swimming and I just got more wet while I washed Max.)

Dinner for the parents somewhere around 8:30 (normally we all eat together, but not in the cards today).  Then Survivor.  Ironic, I felt like I was on my own version of the show today.

That was my crazy Wednesday... just a day in my life, but because I typed it out, I'll get to remember this one.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

Dear Savannah and Sam,

I almost lost it in Starbucks today. Jerry was joking with me about my big Africa purse and I turned to him and said, "tough crowd, tough crowd." I laughed and thought of you Savannah.  I remembered  you, Sam, Jerry and I on the plane coming home from Albuquerque. It felt so wonderful to be snuggled next to you looking at pictures from the wedding. I don't remember how the "tough crowd" comment came up, I just remember us laughing about it. It became our thing.

Thoughts like this pop in my head several times a day. They are like little movies that I allow myself to play over and over in an attempt not to miss you so much.  However there is often a fine line for me between feeling happy and then possibly being choked up because I miss you so much.  Here are a few other little memories that I would like to replay...

I remember in New Mexico, December 26th, Sam and I decided to go for a walk.  It was brisk, but sunny out and we took turns taking pictures while walking/jogging.  Sam and I just chatted away and both were in awe over the setting sun and beautiful views.  New Mexico is a beautiful place and no matter the time of year, lives up to it's name, Land of Enchantment.  Every time I come back it feels like coming home (I have several "homes" in my life.)  During our walk, we were able to watch the sun set, the moon rise and enjoy the beautiful shadow art on the desert and homes.  I loved this moment because it was just you and I, unfortunately a rare opportunity, which made it even more precious.  

That night was another memory that makes me smile.  We went with your Aunt Kathleen, Uncle Ben and Grandma to the mall where they spoiled both of you by buying you clothes (Savannah) and hats (Sam.)  We enjoyed half price frozen yogurt and laughed our behinds off as Uncle Ben lessoned us in speed walking.  A simple shopping trip turned into a lot of fun because of our goofing off and laughing the whole time.  

I loved every second of your visit over Christmas; Christmas together and a slumber party with good night songs. Hunting for breakfast burritos after 11 a.m. and shopping with Aunt Elizabeth and the cousins.  Picking up Jerry from the airport with Aunt Colleen and then helping her hunt for Wedding stuff at Hobby Lobby.  Dinner out with all the family and the movies with Aunt Colleen & Uncle Jed. Going on a long walk/hike searching for and finding Wild Horses near Grandma and Grandpa's house.  

Savannah, getting our nails done and lunch with all your Aunts and cousins Liberty and Addison. Helping to get ready for Aunt Colleen's Wedding.  Driving to the Jamez Mountains and hiking in the snow along a frozen river and dealing with four wild and crazy dogs.  Having Pizza at Aunt Kathleen's and Uncle Ben's.  Breakfast with Tushar, Becky and TJ where Sam taught TJ how to balance a spoon on his nose.  Aunt Colleen's Wedding and Sam, you showing us your amazing Dance moves as well as slow dancing with me.  Our plane rides to Washington where Savannah defied logic and walked the wrong way on the people movers.

We had an awesome time in Seattle watching the sun set, walking through Pike's place, playing games and having a fabulous dinner at PF Changs. I loved being with all six of my littles together, sometimes doing nothing but just hanging out or searching for Crabs at Chamber's Bay. Sam, you and I helping Savannah and being lessoned on a teenage girl and her shopping, as well as learning what ugly things are actually in some video games. ;-)Watching Life of PI and discussing the meaning of the movie.  Savannah our bike ride, remember how good you did?  Watching the Seahawks together, and they won! Eating all of Grandma's wonderful food and celebrating Christmas together, again. 

Life isn't perfect, but these memories with you two are.  I love you both so much and miss you like crazy.  The hardest part of being away isn't necessarily the big things, but the small ones; kissing you good-night, seeing you smile and hearing you laugh, hugging you.  

Please remember one more thing, I love you to the moon and stars and back. 

Love, Mommy

Colleen and Jed's Wedding December 31st, 2012