I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

Talking with Grandma

This morning I had a beloved conversation with my grandma.  We are hundreds of miles apart, but I pretend as I listen to her voice that she's right there in the room with me.  Our conversations are a little more general these days because sadly dementia has taken it's evil grip on her mind, but our hearts still know each other and converse just fine.  At the end of our talk I told her I loved her and as she said "I love you" back, I broke down in tears.  I told her I loved her again and she said her good-byes.  I think I said it once more as she was hanging up, just for good measure.  She is so special to me, I wanted to make sure she knew.  I just sobbed as I hung up, I miss her so much.

After our conversation, as I got dressed and ready for a day of basketball and little ones, In honor of my grandma, I made myself aware, yet again, how blessed I am.  I have these six beautiful babies and a husband who I can still kiss good-night at the end of each day.  When my grandpa passed, I truly believe he took part of my grandma with him.  She misses him terrible.  

A few weeks ago, I was going through some old pictures and found this CD with images of a visit to the Albuquerque zoo with my sister and grandparents back in 2005.  Back then, they would come for a month at a time and stay with my mom (I still lived in New Mexico then) and I was fortunate enough to get to spend a lot of time with them.  I look back at these pictures and remember that day like it was yesterday.  Precious photographs, slightly blurry and out of focus, but priceless.  

Life is short and goes by in a blur.  Today, if you have someone special that maybe you haven't talked to in awhile, call them.  Even if it is to just say hi, or better yet, I Love you.  Do it in honor of my beautiful grandma!