Finding Contentment in the Heartland.

My beautiful cousin Christi and I. 

My cousin's youngest Madeline and Ginger

I have been periodically going for walks with a friend of mine who I will identify as my "Spiritual Leader."  He might shy away from such a title, but I think it fits him.  He has been helping me to find God again.  Not necessarily in a way that my traditional Catholic ways encouraged, but more in the way I needed.  A way that led to me praying with more flourish and trust.  Isn't that what God wants of us?  To trust him with the issues and people closest to our hearts and heaviest on our minds?  I believe so. 

My baby driving me around for the first time!

My sweet Tameca.

Today my SL (Spiritual Leader)  used the analogy of a pounding surf and either allowing the problems and stresses of our life to slowly erode away our shore, or stand strong and hold our position.  To become Rocks in a Jetty of sorts.  I took to the analogy.  Anything to do with the sea and the magic of the boundary between land and water, the edge of the earth, the end of a journey or the beginning, speaks to me.  I have loved this blog, now over three years old.  I respect it and the freedom of speech that I am entitled to.   I want to be honest and sometimes that's scary and I would rather stay silent then to write empty paragraphs.

My brother Matt and sister Colleen

Lately I have been feeling the effects of the heaviness of life. I have been unable at times to shake the exhaustion that comes from carrying too much for too long.  For trying too hard to fix everything, defend my actions, make right the world.  I have to hand over the responsibility to others.   An analogy my SL gave me was how often times others will throw their anger, nastiness, issues, hatred and negativity at you like a ball in hopes you will catch it and maybe even throw it back bringing you down to their level.  I have to learn to allow the ball to drop.  Sometimes it's okay to just let the ball fall and walk away.  One of my husband's favorite sayings is, "Just because they say it, doesn't make it true."  Just because they throw it at you, doesn't mean you have to catch it, carry it or keep it.  Just let it drop.

Loving on my niece Alannah.

Sam and his Uncle Jed.

Love at first sight.

I went back to Indiana a few weeks ago to see my two oldest babies.  (I know they are no longer "babies" but I use that term of endearment because I like what it means to me.) 
            There I go defending... I even do it in my writing.  That's another thing that I wish I could free everyone from, the need to defend themselves.  It's a trap I fall into, the need to explain, defend, instead of letting the ball drop.  Getting to see my babies meant seeing my Ex, driving with him the few miles to surprise my Savannah at school.  We proved we could be civil for more than a moment for the sake of our beautiful children.  It was worth every ounce of anxiety that I previously felt to see the look on her face when she realized I was the one in the passenger seat.  To watch her drop her back pack and run screaming and crying into my arms.  It was a perfect moment.
Later I was even able to sit across from him when we went to lunch with Savannah and her friend.  I wish we could have extended the civility to the drop off, but we still have a long way to go in the healing process.  And unfortunately sometimes the situation just is what it is.

Loving on Grandma. My Angel in My Life.

Girlfriends!

Love is giving your friend a much needed pedicure

!

While I was in Indiana, I had this moment of pure contentment.  My girlfriend Leslie decided I needed a pedicure and with the help of her two oldest (who were doll babies and even gave Savannah, Sam and I their rooms for two nights), set it up right there on her back patio.  Sam was there with a grin and Savannah too, as well as another one of my dearest friends and I was just happy.  The anxiousness of traveling, flying to Chicago, driving to Indy and the stress of the unknown with my Ex just melted away.  I was surrounded by love and friendship.  I allowed myself to be happy.  I absorbed all the love I received from that trip, from my cousin in Chicago, my siblings, my family, my grandma, my beloved friends and their children and from my sweet babies and allowed myself to let go.  Take the best and leave the rest. 

A whole bunch of littles and even missing three!

I also realized yet again how incredibly blessed I am to have people envelope me in their arms, no matter how long its been.  One example is my friend Tameca.  We hadn't seen one another in years, but it may as well have been only a moment.  The love and friendship still there, still strong and she literally stood arm and arm with me as my Ex pulled up.  That feeling of solidarity that never left no matter the length of time that had passed.  Each and every hug I received, from my Best Friend Leslie's husband's famous bear hugs to my delicate embrace with my Grandma reminded me that no matter what you can count on love.  Moments such as holding my beautiful new baby niece for the first time and a middle of the night giggle fest with Savannah as we enjoyed a priceless slumber party at Leslie's, prompted me to enjoy the simple moments of contentment.  They are not something you can buy or even plan, they just happen.

My loves... Leslie, Lauri and Jen

It's ironic, as I type this the rain comes and goes, as does the sunshine and for a few moments I am able to enjoy them both.  I say this because I have learned to embrace the rain, the clouds, the storms along with the sun.  I appreciate the sound of the rain on the trees, the shade of the clouds and the way the trees sound in a storm.  These are not things to curse, but to embrace.  The rain cleans my soul and the stale air that sometimes surrounds us.  It's funny because earlier today after my SL and I said our good-byes the rain really started to fall.  I initially ran, trying to beat the drops.  But then I stopped, walked and as the rain poured over me, I prayed for the it to wash away my worries.  I have felt better since.  

Leslie's Littles!

Lauri's Littles with mine!

My wonderful Cara!  She drove with me 27 hours to help move me to Washington!

My Sam!

My tendency is to feel anxiety, to worry, to feel fearful and count on the worst.  This is what a person's past can do to them.  However, my pledge to myself is to give all that to God.  I can't foresee the future, but I have to trust that I am on the right path.  If I am, then I have to have faith that God will help me along it.  To me that is my secret to contentment, knowing in my heart that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing and trusting God with the rest.  I guess I should take a lesson from my first real driving experience with my daughter Savannah, as terrifying as it is, sometimes you just have to let go and just trust someone else to take the wheel.   

Things happen for a reason

People have told me on many occasions that, "things happen for a reason."  I think I am finally at the point where I believe them.  There are so many events in my life that I can now look back on and say, "oh, that's why that happened," or be grateful for the Lord's unanswered prayers.  One of my favorite concepts is how God either responds with a, "yes," "no" or, "not yet."  I have realized that I have gotten several "not yets" in my life.

Recently a sequence of events took place and after initially feeling anxiety, a strange calm came over me.  I truly trusted that was meant to be, would be and I listened to and most importantly, trusted my gut instincts.  Later a friend told me how she had been praying and I believed her, because I honestly felt it.

Prayer is awesome and there has been times in my life that it was all I had.  I remember during the end of my previous marriage, going to the church at my children's school in Colorado and praying my heart out each morning after I dropped them off.  Each day, my feeling of peace grew and when it finally came time to make one of the biggest decisions in my life, I literally threw up my hands and gave it to God.  Sometimes certain things are just too big for anyone to handle.

So today, while I do feel very blessed with who and what I have in my life, I am still waiting for some answers, even miracles you might say.  For this reason, I will hold on to hope, faith and prayer and the fact that things truly do happen for a reason.

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

Dreaming about Grandpa

Last night when I went to bed I was feeling sad because I was missing my Savannah and Sam. Trying to help myself feel better, I felt under my pillow for my Grandpa's Rosary and it wasn't there. Remembering I had just changed my sheets and put it up I got out of bed to retrieve it. As soon as I had it in my hand, a comfortable peace surrounded me allowing me to fall asleep.

A little back story on my Grandpa's Rosary... He passed away in January of 2010. This was particularly hard, because I was going through a divorce and had just moved (December 2009) to Washington. In addition, I had just found out I was pregnant.  Things were quite stressful and I was emotionally and physically drained.  Jerry (my now husband) was kind enough to watch the girls so I could fly to Chicago to meet up with my cousins and attend my Grandpa's funeral in Indiana.  It was a bittersweet weekend.  It was wonderful to see my family and for all of us cousins to be together for the first time in years, but very hard to say good-bye to the one true father figure that had been there for me my whole life.  In addition, it was heartbreaking to see my Grandma so sad.  One magical moment was when all of the cousins surrounded my Grandma in front of my Grandpa's casket and willed our love to heal her pain and hurt.  On Tuesday after the funeral all of us cousins were told to go pick something special from my Grandpa's Office.  I was happy to get his elephant, something he had as long as I could remember.  From there my cousins and I headed back to Chicago so they could drop me at the airport and just as we were leaving my Cousin Christi asked me if I wanted this Rosary.  I said yes and took the black beaded Italian Rosary and held it in my hand the whole way to the airport.  We didn't hit any traffic, which was a miracle and after I made it home safe and sound, my faith in the Rosary began.

Ever since then, I have spent most of my nights with my Grandpa's Rosary under my pillow.  As I progressed in my pregnancy I held the Rosary tighter.  I brought it with me to a late night Doctor visit when I began to have complications in my third month and when my belly grew I would lay it across my stomach so my Grandpa could watch over the new life I was growing.   When Max was born early and was in the NICU, the nurse hung his Rosary in his incubator.  After we brought him home I hung "Grandpa" (as I now called the Rosary) between my bed and Max's bassinet.  

"Grandpa" has gone with me all sorts of places, on Vacation, to visit family and even on my Honeymoon.  I joked with my Grandma and told her I took "Grandpa" on a Jet Ski in the Caribbean Ocean.  My Grandpa always meant so much to me and I feel that he is with me through his Rosary, as silly as that might sound.

One regret I have is that my Grandpa never met Max.  I whispered to him that I was pregnant when I said my good-byes, but that wasn't the same.  I was lucky enough to get to go back and visit my grandma last June and introduce her to Max, but sadly, there was no Grandpa there to laugh at his little quirks and to watch him share food with Grandma.

Grandpa and Savannah Summer 2006

Grandpa and Saxton

This is where my dream I had last night comes in.  My dreams are frequent and unbelievably eclectic, strange and sometimes very intense.  I often wake up and can't quite comprehend what the message was and most times, there is a fine line between a dream and nightmare, but not this morning.  Today when I woke up, I just felt happy.  I can't remember all the details, but one I do remember quite vividly,  was that I was on a path and had somehow gotten separated from Max.  I turned around to look for him and he was quite a ways back walking away from me holding my Grandpa's hand.  At first I tried to get a picture, but couldn't.  Then I just ran to them and scooped up Max in my arms, hugging him tightly.  Then both Max and I kissed my Grandpa's cheek.  It was so real, I could even feel his whiskers.  My sweet Grandpa.  I have dreamed about him several times lately, but this dream was my favorite.  He had finally gotten to meet my Max and I was able to kiss my Grandpa one more time.

I don't know the exact relationship between dreams and heaven, but I believe that sometime last night the two intertwined.  My Grandpa was with me again, loving me, meeting his youngest great-grandson and I was loving him back.


I love you Grandpa to the moon and stars and to heaven and back!    

Faith meets Fate

"...I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life..."
Michael Buble

Today my husband and I were at Chamber's Bay and via a sign or two, I was reminded that life is a little bit faith and a little bit fate. Without a proper mixture of the two we might never have the opportunity at happiness and ultimately love.

I grew up Indiana, the heartland of America. Now, I live across the country in the great state of Washington. Who knew several years ago, that such a trek would occur. That finally, I might find some of the peace that I was searching for. Surely not me.

Unfortunately, when your in the dark burrows of sadness, it's hard to see the light. Nonetheless, God had something in mind, I just hadn't known it yet. After all, Hasn't it been said, that prayers are answered in His time, not ours.

So Today, as I stood on the shore and looked at my beautiful baby boy holding my husband's hand, I smiled to myself. Blind Faith in love, had allowed me to finally see what fate had in store. Don't give up, my heart reminded me, love is all around you. Sometimes, you just have to open your eyes and look.

I heard you God, Thank you for listening.

Yesterday was a typical Washington fall day, where the rain comes and goes and when it leaves the sun comes out and warms your whole soul.  After a lazy morning and a bike ride, Jerry and I went on an errand with the kiddos and then made it home just in time for Max's nap.  The kids played and Jerry and I just relaxed.  I had been thinking all day about making a trip out to Chamber's Bay with Puppy to help get her wiggles out.  With our crazy schedule, and the fall weather moving in, her exercise time has diminished. 

So after a storm came and went and the sun showed itself again, Puppy and I headed out.  Jerry and the gang stayed back, the girls were playing and I later found out he wanted to clean the garage, a very nice surprise. :)  As I drove I actually had a pretty intense conversation with my cousin, lately we have been having more and more of these kind of talks, where you just lay it out there and get to work.  During this particular conversation, God came up.  We both discussed how sometimes doubt would sink in when it came to God and prayer.  How often times you pray for someone, something, or a situation and feel like your prayers fall on deaf ears.  It can be frustrating, it can cause your faith to be questioned.

A side conversation we had during the drive was about the weather.  When I left (the drive is about twenty five minutes) the sun was out, and it stayed out the whole way, it didn't hide it's face until I pulled in my parking spot.  I could see the wall of clouds coming the whole way and joked with my cousin about the fact that the sun would disappear as soon as I got there and it literally did.  I was bummed, having brought my camera* and hoping to get some shots of the sun setting.  Instead, big grey clouds billowed out over the water.  Then just as I was heading on the path down the hill with Puppy, and saying good-bye to my cousin, the sun squeezed through one last time and shined like a spot light on a passing ferry.  I told my cousin about it, sent her a picture.  God was letting me know that he was listening, but that I still hadn't gotten his message yet.

 Puppy and I continued to head down the hill and towards the dog park, our first stop.  She was so excited that I let go of her leash and watched her high tail it to the gate.  Even with the impending storm there were a few dogs playing and Puppy was able to run and enjoy herself for quite a while.  Then the rain drops started to fall, big and filled with purpose.  I guess at that point Puppy and I could have headed quickly up the hill, out of the rain and home.  But instead I was drawn to the water, towards the storm.

As Puppy and I walked towards the beach, we passed others heading to their cars.  I didn't even think about turning around, even as the wind picked up and the rain came down with pelting force, we kept going.  As I crossed the bridge/pier and headed to the stairs that would lead me to the water I saw a couple dressed in rain coats.  They were also braving the weather with their furry friend and it made me smile to see the bright colors of their shapes walking into the along the horizon of the dark sky.

Shortly after Puppy and I arrived on the beach the storm really picked up and we were forced to take shelter up against one of the pier beams.  Soon it was hailing and the wind was whipping across the water with flourish.  I would occasionally try to to take a photograph, but the rain would pelt my lens quicker than I could dry it.  Puppy was such a trooper and I tried to hold her to me and keep her from getting totally drenched, but I don't think she really cared, she was in her element.  Soon, I was too.  Jerry had encouraged me to take his rain jacket and I was now glad I had agreed.

After the hail stopped, Puppy and I ventured out.  It was still raining, but the sun was trying to come out across the Sound and I was waiting for the rainbow that would come of it, and eventually it did.  The rain drops pelted the waves giving a gritty appearance to the water.  It was awesome, as was the sound of the waves breaking over the rocks and pebbles.  I had long since turned off my music and this was the perfect soundtrack to this unplanned afternoon retreat. (If you look closely at the picture on the left, you can see the rain coming down.)

 

Slowly we made our way down the beach, past the abandoned building, remains of a quarry that existed decades ago, and down to an open area of the beach.  I watched the sea gulls soar by and was amazed how they didn't fight the wind or the rain, but instead seemed to relish in it.  Time flew by and I began to feel more and more at peace as the sun slowly won out over the big storm clouds.  The rainbow came and eventually went and left behind a gorgeous sunset.  I was in heaven and took turns taking photographs with my phone and my camera.  I often would watch the sun set at home or on a bike ride and wish to be here, and I was grateful today to be having the ability to watch the sun sink into the horizon and the clouds produce their art across the sky.

 

I didn't do anything except watch mother nature do her best to take my breath away.  It had been a long week and I have been worried about those close to me and I was really starting to feel the weight of life on my shoulders.  I was starting to to doubt God and then I came here, came for this walk, this experience of an impending storm, the storm itself and then the gorgeous aftermath.  I had experienced them all and appreciated each for their beauty and purpose.  All of a sudden, as I was starting to head back along the beach, as I was watching the sun sink lower into the water, I understood. 

 

The Sun hadn't gone away when I arrived, it had only been blocked temporarily by the storm. When it finally reappeared, it was the most beautiful sight, it was like heaven on earth.  Even before the rain ceased, the sun was shining and throwing light around, through the water drops and across the waves in the most spectacular way.  The clouds that were supplying art and ample photographs, would not have been as phenomenal as they were, without first being part of the storm.  God had tested me, waited to see if I would remain even when most people wouldn't have stayed.  This afternoon and early evening were meant for me, a gift, and a parallel to what was going on in my life and the lives of my loved ones.

 

I have to admit as the pieces to the puzzle that God had given to me fell into place, I began to feel tears fill my eyes.  Flooded by so many emotions, I felt almost overwhelmed.  This place was already so special to me, I should have known that it was where I needed to come to hear what God had to say.  It was simple.  Have faith.  Life is filled with storms, but they will pass and in their wake they will leave something beautiful.  I could either turn around at the first signs of the storm, as soon as the rain began to fall, I could go to someplace safe. Or, I could face the storm, walk into it, head held high and wait it out, wait to see what beauty the storm produced.  God has been listening all along, I just had to realise it, and have faith that he knows best. 

 

As I gathered pebbles for my collection and carefully picked and threw rocks, my prayers came with flourish.  For the first time in a while, my soul was calm as I was filled with the peace that God was hearing each and everyone and he was holding them in the palm of his hand.  They may not be answered today or tomorrow, but I now had a new found belief that they will be someday and I will continue to weather the storm until that time comes. 

 

*All the pictures in this post were taken yesterday while I was at Chamber's Bay.