September 10, 2004 When the past becomes present.

I found an old journal of mine and contemplated on what to share.  It was hard to read what I wrote and I contemplated on what to share tonight.  I decided to play it safe and type word for word my recollections of Savannah (6) , Sam (4) , Sage (2) and Saxton (13 months).  This is typed word for word.  The side notes are thoughts I added this evening.  

May 2004 Florida:
First time in the ocean

Sam is an "ultra sensitive child."  He's rather be naked than clothed.  He has been carrying some new underwear and shorts I got him a week or so ago around.  In the am he puts them on the couch in the family room and then takes them to bed with him at night.  He is super picky about what he wears. 

Side note:  I totally remember this.  I think I have a picture somewhere of his neat bed and his little tidy pile of his stuff.  He is still that way, he has little mementos and things from years ago and takes care of them.  Sam has always been organized and conscious of his things and personal hygiene.  I remember he would change his clothes if he got even one drop of water on them.  My cute, sweet, sensitive Sam.

Sage is a sweet girl, but into EVERYTHING!  She loves my contact solution, starting baths and playing with the bath soap.  Oh and toilet paper!  Wednesday (9/8) she peed on the potty and pooped last week on the potty as well.  She loves her Bubby (bear) and now the Halloween cat I got her on 9/7.    She often takes her diaper off and tries to clean her own poop.  Messy! 

Side note:  my little seek and destroy.  She was so quiet in her antics.  All this and she was only two and a half!  i still have her Bubby, as he ended up becoming a part of our family.  It's funny, she just asked about when she became potty trained... now she can read about it.

Saxton is a wonderful baby.  Fussing mostly only when she wants food or drink.  She smiles all the time.   She can stand on her own from sitting (has been doing that for about a month), but gets nervous and drops down when you try and get her to walk.  She sucks her thumb still and likes to suck with fuzzys like Sage and will often suck with left behind fuzz from Sage.  She sleeps well and naps well.  (Now Sam is back in her room.) Sage and Savannah are together in the front room sharing a mattress.

Side note:  Saxton was a good baby.  I was really lucky to have really sweet babies.  They didn't sleep too well until they were about a year, but they were so pleasant that I overlooked that part.  I must note, that little Savannah was a bit of a stinker with bedtime, I think because she was the first and I was only 21-22 years old, so what did I know?)

Savannah is a little "grown" person.  She picks out her own outfits and even reminds me of when she needs to go to the bus.  I got her an outfit today with a pretty "S" on the front in pink because I want her to know I love and think about her.  She told me yesterday she was winning the gold star competition for reading well and quiet.  She can be a bit of a "tattler," but I rely on her a lot to help with the kids.

Side note:  Savannah has been a hoot from a very early age, maybe even birth.  She had a twinkle in her eye out of the gate and sometimes, as a little person, it was hard to tell if she was smirking or smiling, in fact that's still the case.  I tell her that some people sparkle, some shine, but she goes a step further and has an iridescence about her.  She, like all my babies, is special and I love that they all beat to their own drums.

I remember when they were all small, this age in fact and people would see me out.  They often questioned if they were all mine and I would reply yes.  Then they would inevitably say, "you sure have your hands full."  It was almost as if I was holding four pumpkins I was about to drop.  I guess I did have my hands full, but also my heart.  Today as I read my own words and replay the memories in my mind, I would do almost anything to go back and scoop each one of those babies up and snuggle them at that age again.  Then I would get my sh*t together and not subject them for five more years to the fighting and ugliness they had to endure.

Having said that, I guess the blessing is, that at least I am reading these words while finally in a stable and loving relationship.  Additionally, in just a few days, (ten days, 22 hours and 16 seconds to be exact), I can finally hug my two oldest babies close and make some new memories.  Until then, I am grateful to have found this time capsule and still up in the air about what to share.  I had a lot to say back then and shared most of it solely to journal.  Maybe it's time for some of those thoughts to go beyond the pages that up until now have contained them.

May 2004:  Walt Disney World Mickey's Playhouse.

 

Africa

I have been going through things while cleaning and packing for our move.  Yesterday I found a book with a journal entry that I wrote while I was still in Africa in June 2009:

A "hostel" greeting.  I heard them in the distance screaming and singing from their core and running at Beth their Momma Africa!  I cried out in wonder at such a massive sight of love and hugs and gratefulness... but wait!  Were they now running to me? Was I off my feet?  Were they now hugging me?  Singing and yelling with joy!  My heart was won in Africa standing there in the street!

The nets were few the people still many, my heart began to break.  It shattered down to my core to see the desperation  But they stood all day in a blazing sun, hungry babies on their back and now they go home empty handed. 


Wake up Africa!  6:30 am Bell toll, singing starts thereafter, rooster has been going already for hours.  Geese guarding their eggs, five varieties of birds discussing the long awaited rain.  Insects chattering through their bath.  The only silence comes from the bats who were up all night partying and dive bombing the mosquitos away.  

Everyone should visit Africa if you want a change of life where logs are chopped down and twigs set just so, waiting for the rain and mud to make walls and floors.  Kitchens made to stand alone, water fetched from miles, beans beat on the ground so that pods could be shucked dry.  Corn stands tall making a snack for chickens who wander to and fro.  Little ones chew on sugarcane, big ones hard at work, washing done by hand here.  Cars do not exist, a bike is a luxury, TV you must search for, but what's the point of that? Latrining, latrining what a lot of fun!  A hole behind a door outside in the sun.  You crouch and "ease" wiping away the flies.  wipe up, clean up, what a lot of fun!

I think I saw God smile today in Africa as I was walking down the road.  He was masquerading as an old woman bowing at my feet, hugging and kissing me, parading her Rosary like gold.  Or was he the child, rags hanging from her protruding belly, with bare feet mutilated from chiggers and a fly encrusted head.  She smiled at me, she laughed with me, she didn't notice my tears.  I know I saw God today in two small friends.  They held hands and giggled over a tiny little prize.  I prompted them to show me, they did without delay, unclasping such a treasure, a tiny bottle cap.


I never imagined the extent of someone else's nightmare that I would witness while living my dream.  I have never seen those with nothing, give more love than is believable. I have never seen heaven and hell all in the same day until I came to Africa.

Typing this brought back memories and tears.   I remember writing those words and I am grateful for the perspective that comes from reading them.  My life has changed so much since my journey to Africa, but a part of my heart will always remain there.  I fell in love with Africa, the people and the spirt that radiates off of them.  I am grateful to Beth and her husband Jim for bring me with them to Uganda with Think Humanity.  I am so proud of them for all their hard work and dedication to making all the refugees lives better.  For more information on how to help visit Thinkhumanity.org.