I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

A mother's heartbreak.

I'm sitting in the airport too upset to drive. I just watched Savannah and Sam's plane take off and I can't breathe. I'm a mess and getting strange looks as I sit here and cry like a baby. I don't care, my two babies just left I want to yell! My heart hurts so bad right now! Bring them back I want to beg to someone. But I know I can't, because there is nothing anyone can do.

Today when we were leaving Max, (who stayed home with Grandma and Papa while I took the kids to the airport) was crying and saying "owwee mommy" over and over. I believe he thought I was leaving again (I was gone for a week at my sister's wedding.) He was so sad and while nothing or no one was hurting him, I believe his heart hurt, like mine does right now.

They say having a baby changes everything. They're so right. You're heart changes and you're inner soul finds a love that never existed before. You find a love that overcomes all, overshadows all, forgives all, no matter what. You find unconditional love.

Last night I fell asleep with Savannah, not because I love her more than Sam, but because she was in a queen bed and he was in a top bunk that couldn't handle us both. (Smile) I was just so upset at their leaving that I wanted to be close to at least one of them. I tossed and turned all night, and at one point she grabbed my hand, similar to a newborn grabbing your finger. Just thinking about it brings fresh tears. I love her and all her siblings so much.

There are all kinds of broken hearts, but I think this kind hurts the worse. I wouldn't wish this hurt on anyone and right now there is nothing I can do to fix it. So just know my sweet babies, that momma loves you and misses you and will pray everyday for you to be back in my arms again. Until then, I love you to the moon and stars, moon and stars... And back.

And God, a prayer for you, please keep all my babies safe, when I am unable to and spread them with love today and forever!