Pregnancy Pre-Parenting and how Love ultimately wins over.

My baby sister Colleen and her husband Jed are just a little over a month away from the birth of their first child, they are expecting a little girl.   They were out of town working on Jed’s family’s ranch, so I was only able to spend a few days with them during my October visit to New Mexico.  But the day Max and I left, we went with Colleen to Target to give her some ideas on what to register for, it meant a lot to me to be able to get a little bit of time with her during the most amazing time of her life, her first pregnancy  As I looked around and took in all the baby inventory, I realized that I could give her opinions on what she’ll need for the baby, but what she had needed most, or maybe not, was a little sisterly advice. 

Earlier in the day, Colleen, her husband, Max and I went to get some breakfast burritos from Blakes Lotaburger, they are by far the best in town!   While we were driving and chatting, I was handing out my two cents on being a new parent.  I tried to not be overwhelming and reminded them to just take all the advice they get with a grain of salt, because the truth is, ultimately they will have to figure most of it out on their own. 

One example I did give (in much less detail than I’m about to give you), went back to when I was pregnant with Savannah, who is my first.  My Ex and I were just a few weeks away from her delivery and were on our way home from our birthing class.  We lived in Chicago at the time and the drive from Lake Forest (where I had her) to our apartment was quite long.  Anyway, I don’t remember how it came up, but somehow a discussion began about where Savannah would sleep after she was born.  Our chat soon turned to an argument as he informed me that she was going to sleep in her own bed in our second bedroom/office when she was a week old.  I started to cry, the idea of my baby sleeping in an office all by herself was just too much for me.  After all, she was used to being with her momma.  When we got back to our apartment I went out to this gazebo and just cried.  I couldn’t imagine myself being separated from her.  I tabled the discussion and hoped that my Ex would change his mind, although he was insistent he wouldn’t. 

On May 5^th, after getting pulled over by the police twice as we raced to the hospital, our first child and first daughter was born bright and early and full of sunshine.  I will never forget the love that flooded me and to this day the thought of her birth still brings tears of happiness to my eyes.  Our lives would never be the same. 

I remember the day we brought her home, I was anxious at the idea that I was responsible for this tiny little person and terrified that I wouldn’t do a good job being her mother.  She was perfect and immediately the best thing that had ever happened to me, I was head of heels in love.

As I was leaving, one of the nurses gave me her direct line and told me to call her if I had any issues, I took the number gratefully.  Several sleepless nights later I took her up on her promise.  Savannah wasn’t sleeping in her bed (a pack-n-play set up in our room.)  She’d nurse and fall asleep, but as soon as I’d move her, she’d wake up and start screaming.   I told the nurse that I was exhausted, but to hear her cry was heart wrenching.  Then she taught me the best trick ever, side lying nursing (see link.)  She instructed me how to lay down, my arm in such a way to prevent me from rolling on her and breastfeed her. (One bit of advice is to put a changing pad under both of you to catch breast milk.  This way you don't have to change all your sheets or sleep in a wet spot.)   

Anyway, I tried it as we were on the phone and it worked!  It was a miracle and from that point on, both of us slept peacefully, nestled together like two pieces of a puzzle.   Needless to say the whole apartment slept better and several weeks later she wasn’t sleeping in the other room, but right beside me.  By the time she was about three months and sleeping longer stretches, she moved to her porta crib, still located in our room.  When she was about five months old we moved into a house, it was only then that she did sleep part of her night in a crib in her very own room.

The lesson from this story is that until that baby is in your arms; don’t set your parenting rules in stone.  Flexibility is a must.  It’ll save you and your partner a lot of grief.  You’ll never love anything like your children, you just won’t.  Even to this day when my now not-so-little-ones leave to fly to their dad’s, I feel that same panic, heartbreak and sadness that I felt that day out in the gazebo.  I guess that would be another lesson that I will preach over and over again, no matter how old they are, your babies are always your babies.  

My "little" Savannah now. 

Karma

Karma:  "When people insult you, don't take offense, don't take it personally, but do listen to their words.  They are telling you the exact negative qualities that they possess.  "The Law of Mirrors" states that one can only see what's in them, regardless if it is what is actually present in reality or not.  
Release the need to defend or try to explain to them that you're not being whatever nasty insult they have thrown at you, but evaluate instead all of these insults, and realize that this is who they are.  Then, decide if a person with those qualities is one who you'd like in your life or not."--Doe Zantamata 

2001

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook a day or so ago and it really struck a chord with me.  On the Eve of my two oldest littles coming, I woke up excited.  Then I glanced at my phone and noticed a text from my Ex, even though we have been divorced for over three years and never see each other, he still likes to harass me via texts and emails.  Immediately I thought of this Karma quote and went about my day.  I can't change him, I can only change how he makes me feel.  There is a reason we are divorced and that I live here and I think the last line of the quote says it best and I chose, "or not."

Tomorrow my babies come!  Until next Friday when Sage and Saxton head to their dad's I will have all of them together... that's all I can concentrate on now!

"Come and relax now.  Put your troubles down.  No need to bear the weight of your worries.  You let them all fall away." Dave Matthews 

No matter the troubles of the past, I received four beautiful presents while with my Ex.  I have been missing my Savannah and Sam like crazy and I almost can't believe that they'll be in my arms tomorrow.  I won't allow any one's projected negativity to ruin that.  No way no how!

Sam's Socks

Hand me downs are bittersweet I decided today as I put Sam's socks on Max. I could still picture Sam wearing them and his cute little toddler grin. He loved new socks, new anything and would sit them neatly at the foot of his bed. Sometimes he would hold off wearing the new item for days. I smile and think of Sam every single time I see the socks or sweatshirt that were once his and in a way always will be. The time will come when the hand me downs (there are only a few) won't fit Max anymore. However, I won't be able to donate them like the other items that he no longer wears. Instead, they'll find a special place in a drawer or a box so every so often I can pull them out and remember not one, but two little toddlers who once wore them. Until then, I will smile when I pull out Sam's socks and will try to put them on his little brother every chance I get. It's not often in life that you're lucky enough to fill socks not once, but twice, with with such sweet little toddler toes.

A day in my life...

Periodically I like to blog my days.  I think back to when my oldest four were little and some of those days, weeks and even months are a blur because of how busy I was.  I wish I had noted more so I could look back and remember some of that craziness!

Today was one of those crazy days.  I woke up in a start and had the bright idea to mow the lawn and try the mulching function.  Well I didn't know that a frost covered lawn would just clump, not mulch.  Note to self, don't mow at 7:15 am when there is still frost on your grass, all that happens is a messy mow and then your dog tracks it in all over your floor.  So I quit halfway through the backyard and came in to get the girls off to school and Max and I ready for the YMCA.

I was able to get in an hour of mom time and take a circuit (aka kick your butt) class before Max's swim lesson at 9:30.  It was nice to catch up with my circuit friends.  Max did awesome in child care, yeah for him!   Swimming went well and he was excited to even get some time in the toddler pool, his very favorite thing.  Off we headed to the arctic blast locker room to freeze, shower and then freeze again.  I swear they make it super cold so we hurry faster.  He was funny and wanted to sit on a stool, naked and have his snack and then get dressed.  As I noticed all the other naked butts that used the stools for the same thing, I convinced him to stay on his clean and sanitary towel instead.

After we got dressed, we chatted with the sports director about the soccer game schedule (thankfully the girl's games are at the same field in case they have a game at the same time) and then played some soccer in the racquet ball courts for a little while.  Max is hilarious and already a really good dribbler and kicker after watching his older siblings play.

Our next stop was the collision repair.  Our little car that we have had for a whole month got bit in the back yesterday by a bigger car driven by a distracted 16 year old driver.  (We traded in Jerry's beloved truck in order to buy our house.)  He didn't see that everyone was stopped for school busses and rear ended me on the way home from getting the girls.  All were okay and he was super sad and apologetic.  Thankfully he was also insured, but I still have to go through the pain of getting the car fixed.  Max was entertained by an elderly gentleman who lost his voice and spoke through a voice box and sounded like a robot, utterly fascinating to a two year old.

After we got our estimate, we only had a few minutes until the girls got out of school (half day Wednesdays),  we headed to the house and watched as they dug our sewer line.  We have been going over almost everyday and yesterday they finally poured the foundation!  (We wrote in the cement  last night, our own little messages that will be hidden under the floor.)   Max was entertained by the "huge crane."  He loved it and was so cute!

Off to get the girls and then home to get Max to bed.  Nap for him and cleaning and some Garden Critters work for me.

Fast forward two hours and I have to call a customer back (she was super sweet and understanding that I work from home) so the kids and I can go pick up Brayden from school.

We brought our glass recycling, so after we got Brayden, we had glass throwing therapy as we catapulted several dozen bottles and jars into the bins.  The kids love it!  Everyone should try it!

After glass chucking, they talked me into getting donuts (for Max) and apple fritters (for the older three) at the Orting Bakery.  It was buy one get one free fritter day so the kids were happy and we even brought home two for tomorrow (they're huge)!

Car ride = Music time!  Can't hear exact cause of fussing when your listening to the tunes.  Embarrassed Sage at a stop light as I boogied to a tune while we waited for our go sign.  Then I blasted some Opera to embarrass them all as we pulled into our neighborhood.  Love it!

Home.  Crazyness! Wrote a much needed email, finished mowing the grass and then had to get the girls ready for their first YMCA Soccer practice at 6:30 (different teams, same time- my second trip to the Y!)  A quick dinner that dad brought home and then the four kids and I were off!  (Dad had just gotten home and I left him for some P & Q)

Soccer practice was also crazy!  I attempted to watch both girl's practice while wrangling a running two year old.  Brayden came too and was really good (other than teaching Max how to tip a goal, literally!) Side note:  Thank goodness it was gorgeous out (we topped 70 degrees today).  Anyway, we ran around the fields, up the hills, watched the girls and had several trips to the playground to slide down the slide and cause small heart-attacks for me. (I am still a nervous wreck from Max's femur break last year and climbing causes me minor cardiac episodes.)

Practice over!  Find soccer balls then head home to hit the showers.   Dad takes over so I can call a customer back and begin typing up an order. Yeah! Happy to get those!  I am just about finished, but take a break to kiss good-night and finally take a shower (the second of the day, but the only one where I actually cleaned myself... the other was after swimming and I just got more wet while I washed Max.)

Dinner for the parents somewhere around 8:30 (normally we all eat together, but not in the cards today).  Then Survivor.  Ironic, I felt like I was on my own version of the show today.

That was my crazy Wednesday... just a day in my life, but because I typed it out, I'll get to remember this one.

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.

Dear Savannah and Sam,

It's late, 1:31 am to be exact, but you are heavy on my mind and so I am typing this instead of sleeping. Jerry understands, he has been up with me, listening to me tell him how much I miss you.  I am blessed to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner who knows what you mean to me.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you, how very deeply I love you and how desperately  I want for you to be here with me.  It's no secret, I know your dad knows it because he watched me carry you, give birth to you, raise you and love you.  He knows what you mean to me.

Today we went to the zoo and it made me think of you and miss you at the same time.  As soon as we arrived, there was a peacock there to greet us and it made me think of you Savannah and the time we came and he or she followed you all the way to the entrance.  I knew you would have laughed at how Max called it a "tu-tock."  Sam, I thought of you when we went by the tigers and how he came right up to the glass and you held Max to show it to him.  You were and are so sweet.  

Right when you turned four.
At the Albuquerque zoo.
The Polar Bear exhibit
is in the background.

Savannah, I realized today why you love Polar Bears so much.  When you were little, we had a season pass to the Albuquerque zoo.  I used to take you, Sam, Sage and Saxton all the time.  You could be free there, run around and play.  We knew every square inch of the zoo and always spent a lot of time at the Polar Bears.  When Sage and Saxton were newborns, I used to go in the darker area where you could watch them swim under water to nurse.  You and Sam would stand at the glass and just watch them play in the water.  You were so cute.  Sam used to wear himself out to the point that he would always fall asleep on the way home and I still remember lifting him out of his carseat and he'd snuggle, still sleepy, on my shoulder.


I remember when you were three and Sam was just one, taking you both on Mother's Day to the zoo by myself.  We had such a great day and I have a picture somewhere of all three of us that a stranger offered to take.  I was so proud to be your mom.  You are my greatest accomplishments.

I think of you all the time, as soon as I wake up and as I'm drifting off to sleep.  I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.  We talk, Skype, FaceTime, text and even snap chat, but that's not the same.

Divorce sucks!  I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.  I too felt fear and heartbreak as a child and it was my biggest hope to shelter you from that and  I am sorry that I wasn't able to.  My wish is for your happiness now and in the future, you deserve that so much.  I wanted to break the cycle and unfortunately there is no perfect guidebook to that.

To be honest, I never imagined that we'd be apart this long, never in my wildest dream or worse nightmare.  As the days pass and weeks go by, my missing you doesn't fade, it only grows stronger.  People say that technology is breaking people apart, I say they're crazy!  Technology keeps me sane.  Every little message, phone call or picture I get brings me closer to you.  It's pure gold to me.

I believe in God and I have faith in him that he is listening to my prayers.  I can not wait to see you again and I want you to know that I love you!  I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back again!  Good-night my babies, sweet dreams.  

Sam's Birth Story

Baby Sam 2000

Preface:  When I was pregnant with Sam, I belonged to Babycenter.com and became pen-pals of sorts with a bunch of awesome ladies who lived all over the place.  I guess you could say this was the beginning of cyber relationships and pre-Facebook posting.  Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was sorting through some old papers and found several "posts" that I wrote to my friends.  One in particular, was very special.  It was my post just after Sam was born recounting the story of his entrance in the world.  I am not going to edit what I typed.  I am leaving it word for word, with even some typos because I was also nursing Sam.

Written March 27, 2000.

Sam is here!  All 7 lbs. 11.7 oz of pure joy!  He was 21 inches long and born at 1:22 am on Friday March 24th.  I had a little nubane that helped with the in between part of a total of three contractions, but the delivery overall was natural.  No episiotomy this time.  And I only needed a few stitches.  It was painful, but an awesome painful.  It was so intense and I will never forget it.  When they put him on my belly, I could not stop touching him and did not want to let him go!  He is beautiful and healthy and really here!  It was love at first sight and for some reason I feel/felt a little more protective about him than I did dd (dear daughter).  Maybe it was because I had a few more problems this pg (pregnancy) with spotting, etc... that I was more worried that he would not make it... anyway... his is wonderful.

About the labor... at about 7:25 I was coming home with dd from the neighbors and she was trying to get away, so I picked her up and had a major contraction, well just before I entered the garage I had this huge gush of fluid run down my leg, through my pants, on my shoes and the driveway.  I was not sure if I peed or if it was my water.  I went inside and took everything off and it did not smell like pee so I called dh (dear husband: these were shortcuts we used to communicate.)  He was at work and I told him I may have broken my water.  I told him to sit tight and I would call him back after I talked to the Dr.  Well after three pages I could not get a hold of him, so I call L & D and they told me to come in.  Dh came home meanwhile, he said that he could not wait and they sent him home.  He smelled my pants and also thought it did not smell like pee.  So we got ready to go.  We called mil and finally got her to agree to come over.  My neighbor came over so we could leave right away.  Dh did give dd a quick bath so that she would be all ready for bed.  

We drove to the hospital, I was having contras, but not real bad and only 5 min. to 8 min. apart.  We checked in and went upstairs.  I got undressed and the nurse checked me and said I was only 3 cm and my water had not broken.  So I guess it was pee, just not smelly pee lol. (side note:  I still think my water broke!!) Anyway she told me they would probably send me home.  Well then the Dr. came in and ripped my insides apart, said I was a good 4, he was going to break my water and we were going to have a baby.  He told us the nurses were busy and just wanted to send someone home, but this was a game and to just act like I was in pain  Well I was after they broke my water.  From 9:30 (when they broke it) until delivery, it was no fun.  Dh was a good coach.  He even had to help me go potty four times in the bed pan.  They would not let me get up in case of the cord prolapsing.  So I was in bed the whole time.  (little man is eatinng so I am typing one handed) The end was no fun because I was sitting at 7 cm and I had the urge to push.  I dilated to ten so fast and was climbing the bed with the urge.  They barely got me in the stir-ups and two big pushes later his head was out and then one more for his body  The placenta was no fun.  But was so worth it.  It was the most intense yet awesome/wonderful pain of my life!  (With dd I did have a local because of the episiotomy so this time was different with no local...)  

He is a good little guy.  He has really taken to nursing and that is going well.  Although I am so huge right now that I could feed five babies.  The hospital stay was nice, but Friday late morning little man gave us a scare.  After his circumcision, he started getting blue in his mouth and his arms and legs.  They ended up putting him in the warmer because his hr was low and his circulation was bad.  But by the end of the day and some major tlc by mom, he was better.  Except for a few short trips to the nursery for  weight and his 48 hour test, I did not let him out of my sight and would go everywhere with him.  I even had them give him his first bath in the room with me.

We got home yesterday afternoon and all is going well.  (Other than the fact that dh went golfing with the neighbor and left me with dd.) Thank you for helping me through this pg and for your friendship.  You are an awesome bunch of ladies and I glad to have you.

Lisa and Sam"the little man"Kenneth.

Postscript:  Re-typing this and re-reading it is very emotional for me.  I can replay all these memories like movies in my mind.  I remember in the middle of the night while we were still in the hospital, being all alone with Sam (My Ex slept at home).  He was sleeping on me and I was so high on adrenaline and love that I couldn't all asleep.  God had given me this perfect "little man" and I remember feeling so blessed, a feeling that has never faded.  Sam and I have a special bond.  He has always been my sweet boy and has always been such a love.  One of my favorite memories from this summer at that lake was during a late night boat ride with just Jerry, Sam and I.  We went out to look at the stars and say good-bye to the lake.  On the way back to the cabin, Sam fell asleep on me.  It felt like when he was just a little guy and would snuggle with me.  I truly felt like I was in heaven.  

I love you my sweet Sam.  You hold a very special place in my heart and I am so happy to be your mom.  Every moment I am away from you I miss you like crazy and pray to be with you again.  Happy Birthday and always remember... I love you to the moon and stars and back!

I just lost it.

Snapchat I sent to Savannah!

This morning Max found a school picture of Savannah "sister."  He showed it to me and told me about "sister" as he calls her these days.  He even put her picture to "sleep" and then they watched Thomas together.  Then, out of the blue, he talked about Savannah and Sam coming.  He says "they are going to pick me up."  It made me both happy and sad for Max to talk about them.  I lost it though when I found Max at the front window waiting for them to come, for some reason he thought they would be there.  I too wished more than anything he was right, but knowing in reality they were hundreds of miles away.  Now I am just sitting here crying, missing my two oldest babies like crazy.

Some days are better than others, but it's times like this that I don't know if my heart can take them being gone for so long.  This week is especially hard because Sam's thirteenth birthday is on Sunday.  I can't believe he is going to be a teenager and I wish that I was able to be there with him.  This morning I found some socks of his from his toddler days and felt a sentimental pang when I put them on Max.  The sweatshirt Max is wearing was also Sam's, these are the hand-me-downs I just adore.  

The choice to get divorced in order to bring a healthier life for your children and yourself is a really hard decision and one I did not make lightly.  I believe that our quality of life has improved and we're slowly healing after what we have all gone through. Unfortunately, some of the residual pain and time away from my little ones is something I am sure I will never get over, nor get used to.  They are my heart and soul. 

Love to all of my babies and special hugs and kisses across the miles to my Savannah and Birthday Boy Sam.  I love you to the moon and stars and back!

What if I told you that you could save a life for $5?

My friend Beth shared some pictures on Facebook yesterday that I took on my 2009 trip to Africa.  As we wrote back and forth concerning them, I began to remember the emotion that I felt when I first photographed this particular little girl, with Lake Albert in the background, separating us from the evil in the Congo.  The image of her will forever be imprinted in my mind and the surrounding moments will always be remembered as life changing for me.  A five dollar wake up call.  

It was taken on net distribution day. We only had a certain number allotted for this part of the refugee camp and the rest had to go to the larger distribution site.  As morning gave way to a hazy, hot afternoon and as the line grew, I started to worry that we would run out.    I watched as mostly women, children and the elderly came from miles to wait in line for one simple thing, a $5 Malaria net.  It boggled my mind at how patient everyone was, especially the children and the women, many with babies on their backs and wearing the only set of clothes they owned.  Flies were buzzing their heads, there was no water, no shade, no food.  One little girl, crippled and unable to walk, sores all over her body, spoke not a word, just patiently waited.  All we had to give them were the nets.  To them they were gold.  This $5 piece of mesh fabric represented their one shot at beating the statistics, that every 30 seconds, a child in sub-Sahara Africa dies of Malaria.  These women had already been through hell, having had to literally run for their lives with no belongings, to a new country and the reality of a refugee camp.  The idea of losing a loved one to a preventable disease is almost too much to bear.  They knew these nets were there one and only shot at defense making the uncomfortable conditions of the day a distant afterthought. 

While waiting for several hours for the allotted distribution time, I was able to get to know some of the refugees.  Fortunately, Rita, a vibrant young women with eight children in her care (one her own and seven orphans) stepped forward early on and offered to translate for me.  She spoke several languages including French and Congolese and with her help I was able to communicate with everyone.  I learned that many of these women were on their own, some of them pregnant or holding babies conceived after being raped.  It was truly unfathomable what they had been through, yet they still held it together.  Never in my life had I experienced anything even close to this.  The feelings that ran through me were ones I had never felt before.  It was like seeing both heaven and hell at the same time.  The atmosphere of love and gratitude was so raw and prolific.  At times I was speechless.

Rita wasn't my only new friend I made that day.  I also found several little people to keep me company and even join me in some songs.  The children that I met were truly amazing.  They sat so patient and while some were a little afraid of us, most were just curious.  Two little boys in particular stole my heart, Barack and Sajus.  I just loved them and one thing that fascinated me, was how they held tight to their school notebooks and kept them safe under their shirts.  To them, education was truly priceless and the only possible way out of here.  They walk miles everyday to school and don't care, in their world they don't have a choice.  The other thing that stuck out about the children was how small and malnourished they were, ten year olds the size of my five year old at the time.  However they didn't know any different, and their smiles lit up the afternoon.  

The actual distribution came and we went person by person and gave them their allotted number of nets.  For every four people or less, one net; every five to eight, two nets; nine or more, three and so on.  Orphans got a net even if they were all on their own and that is where my little girl came in.  She was wearing a yellow bracelet representing that she was eligible for her own net and was lucky enough to  receive one of the last few we had to give out.  After I handed her a net, she quickly tore off up a path leading away from the crowd.  She knew they were just about gone and she didn't want to risk having hers taken.  As I followed her, the cries from the crowd were piercing my ears, those that left empty handed were heartbroken and so was I.  All the fundraising and research leading up to this trip had done little to prepare me for what the money I was raising would truly mean to these refugees.  I broke down and let the tears fall at what such a small amount of money meant to them, $5 was the difference between life and death.  Not to sound cliche, but I remember thinking that the cost of a specialty coffee could translate into a lifesaving mosquito net.  If everyone could give up one coffee a year and donate the money instead, think of the impact it would have for these wonderful people.  It would mean the world to them.  After I caught up to the little girl I took her hand in mine and just stayed like that for a little while.  I cherish this picture, to me represents that love knows no boundaries and that at one point in our lives, we'll all need a helping hand.  

If you are inspired to give up coffee for a day and donate the money instead, then go to Think Humanity and donate $5 for a malaria net and save lives.

         

      

Dreaming about Grandpa

Last night when I went to bed I was feeling sad because I was missing my Savannah and Sam. Trying to help myself feel better, I felt under my pillow for my Grandpa's Rosary and it wasn't there. Remembering I had just changed my sheets and put it up I got out of bed to retrieve it. As soon as I had it in my hand, a comfortable peace surrounded me allowing me to fall asleep.

A little back story on my Grandpa's Rosary... He passed away in January of 2010. This was particularly hard, because I was going through a divorce and had just moved (December 2009) to Washington. In addition, I had just found out I was pregnant.  Things were quite stressful and I was emotionally and physically drained.  Jerry (my now husband) was kind enough to watch the girls so I could fly to Chicago to meet up with my cousins and attend my Grandpa's funeral in Indiana.  It was a bittersweet weekend.  It was wonderful to see my family and for all of us cousins to be together for the first time in years, but very hard to say good-bye to the one true father figure that had been there for me my whole life.  In addition, it was heartbreaking to see my Grandma so sad.  One magical moment was when all of the cousins surrounded my Grandma in front of my Grandpa's casket and willed our love to heal her pain and hurt.  On Tuesday after the funeral all of us cousins were told to go pick something special from my Grandpa's Office.  I was happy to get his elephant, something he had as long as I could remember.  From there my cousins and I headed back to Chicago so they could drop me at the airport and just as we were leaving my Cousin Christi asked me if I wanted this Rosary.  I said yes and took the black beaded Italian Rosary and held it in my hand the whole way to the airport.  We didn't hit any traffic, which was a miracle and after I made it home safe and sound, my faith in the Rosary began.

Ever since then, I have spent most of my nights with my Grandpa's Rosary under my pillow.  As I progressed in my pregnancy I held the Rosary tighter.  I brought it with me to a late night Doctor visit when I began to have complications in my third month and when my belly grew I would lay it across my stomach so my Grandpa could watch over the new life I was growing.   When Max was born early and was in the NICU, the nurse hung his Rosary in his incubator.  After we brought him home I hung "Grandpa" (as I now called the Rosary) between my bed and Max's bassinet.  

"Grandpa" has gone with me all sorts of places, on Vacation, to visit family and even on my Honeymoon.  I joked with my Grandma and told her I took "Grandpa" on a Jet Ski in the Caribbean Ocean.  My Grandpa always meant so much to me and I feel that he is with me through his Rosary, as silly as that might sound.

One regret I have is that my Grandpa never met Max.  I whispered to him that I was pregnant when I said my good-byes, but that wasn't the same.  I was lucky enough to get to go back and visit my grandma last June and introduce her to Max, but sadly, there was no Grandpa there to laugh at his little quirks and to watch him share food with Grandma.

Grandpa and Savannah Summer 2006

Grandpa and Saxton

This is where my dream I had last night comes in.  My dreams are frequent and unbelievably eclectic, strange and sometimes very intense.  I often wake up and can't quite comprehend what the message was and most times, there is a fine line between a dream and nightmare, but not this morning.  Today when I woke up, I just felt happy.  I can't remember all the details, but one I do remember quite vividly,  was that I was on a path and had somehow gotten separated from Max.  I turned around to look for him and he was quite a ways back walking away from me holding my Grandpa's hand.  At first I tried to get a picture, but couldn't.  Then I just ran to them and scooped up Max in my arms, hugging him tightly.  Then both Max and I kissed my Grandpa's cheek.  It was so real, I could even feel his whiskers.  My sweet Grandpa.  I have dreamed about him several times lately, but this dream was my favorite.  He had finally gotten to meet my Max and I was able to kiss my Grandpa one more time.

I don't know the exact relationship between dreams and heaven, but I believe that sometime last night the two intertwined.  My Grandpa was with me again, loving me, meeting his youngest great-grandson and I was loving him back.


I love you Grandpa to the moon and stars and to heaven and back!    

Reliving Childbirth.

Every year,  before my children's birthdays, I recount the hours (and sometimes the days) leading up to their birth.  I think back to what I was doing, how I felt and what the labor was like.  Today is no different.

Sage, my third born, will be eleven tomorrow.  I know that it is a parental cliche, but I truly can not believe how fast the time has gone.  As I look at Sage's baby pictures I feel a surge of nostalgia, happiness and love.  The tiny little baby that I see in the pictures is now a young lady full of opinions, ideas and gumption.


My pregnancy with Sage was pretty smooth sailing until the end.  The last few weeks were really rough with pre-term labor and even a false alarm trip to the hospital on Febuary 12th (I was four cm for almost two weeks).  I was able to time contractions down to four, five minutes apart for hours in the days before I actually had Sage.  I remember walking the hill by my apartment with my mom trying to bring on full blown labor.

The real deal finally began on on Feburary 21st.  It was a Thursday and I had attended a baby shower at my Ex's work.  When I came home, I felt a little off and I knew this was it.

After several hours of walking and watching Winter Olympics skiing (timing the contractions with the skiers going down the slopes was actually helpful), Sage entered into the world with a bang!  The last part of labor actually happened very fast and one thing I remember in particular, is that the nurse argued with me on wether she was actually coming.  She had just checked me and I was an eight, but with a quick change of position, (I had turned over and was on my knees holding on to the back of the bed for dear life) suddenly, I could feel that it was time.   She said I couldn't be fully dilated and refused to check me.  I have to give my Ex credit for what happened next, he told her I had already given birth to two other children (recently, I might add, my son was only one and my daughter three), and that I was laboring naturally, which meant no drugs, aka I COULD FEEL EVERYTHING!  After encouraging her to listen to me, they called for the Dr., (who by the way didn't have time to put on her glove.)  Moments later, with barely a push, she arrived into the world.  I was even able to help pull her onto my belly.

Sage was beautiful. Perfect.  She had this gorgeous olive skin and these black eyes that just stared into your soul.  There was barely a peep out of her and she nursed right away.  She was born just before two am, so everything was quiet and peaceful and I was left in my dimly lit world to love on my brand new baby girl.

Add caption

Eleven years later, I still remember the peace that I felt just after she was born.  I have always thought that if I had one wish for heaven, it would be the ability to relive the birth of my children (and every second after).  Having the ability to re-experience those moments, when the most amazing love-at-first-sight magically takes place, I'd know I was in heaven for sure.  Happy Birthday sweet Sage!  I love you (and all your brothers and sisters) to the moon and stars and back!  

The Naked Clam

Max headed to check out the ocean with his big brother Brayden.

A Clam culture does exist!  I was finally educated on this beloved tradition while visiting Ocean Shores this weekend with my family.  We headed up on Saturday to stay for the night at The Quinault and upon arrival noticed the clamming Woodstock that was taking place on the beach.  There were people everywhere and while they were not naked, after all the shucking that was said and done, the clams were.  I was intrigued.

After we checked in and got all our warm gear on, we headed out to the hysteria that was taking place on the beach.  The clamming craziness was in full swing.  Clammers, all decked out in huge boots, or even waders and rain gear were going at the beach with their clam guns and shovels as if they were digging for gold.  Our curiosity got the best of us and we quickly set out to find answers, first and foremost, what were these clam characters they were going after?  I looked down after the tide had drawn out and there was this strange thing wriggling in the sand.  Quickly I grabbed the strange creature and pulled it out of the soft beach, a clam!  (I later found out that just grabbing them like that was rare, normally you had to get down and dirty and dig for them.) A little while later I attempted to grab another one and tore off it's head, basically I murdered it.  Feeling terrible and not wanting to waste his life, the kids and I looked for some hungry Seagulls to share my find with.  They were more than willing to feast on my victim.

Clamming is not for the faint of heart.  It is a cold, wet and very dirty, sandy venture and all for just fifteen clams.  The Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife States:

“The first fifteen razor clams regardless of size or condition must be retained. One daily limit of fresh shellfish may be in possession. Additional shellfish may be possessed in a frozen or processed form. Razor clams may not be returned to the beach. For razor clams, holes do not have to be refilled as is required for hard-shell clam digging.”

This is serious business and I began to notice this was a family affair, even toddlers were booted up and part of the mayhem.  I asked a friendly fellow to explain some of the rules and he informed me that adults have to have a license, but children, as long as they were with a licensed adult, could also procure fifteen clams.   One father noted that this was true, however he made sure his children took part in the process and helped dig and retrieve the clams.  However, what he didn't tell me, and what I soon realized, was how hard the digging actually was.  

Saxton trying her hand
at clamming.

A clam in the sand next to clam gun.

As we headed down the beach we came across a nice woman and her nieces and nephews.  They were really struggling to find and acquire any clams.  They were really working hard and not having much return.  After attempting to help them for a little while, we all caught a break when a good Samaritan stopped and gave us a clam-digging-101 lesson on using a clam gun.  First, you need to locate the bubbling hole which is hopefully holding a clam, then face the incoming tide and prepare to stab the shore with your gun. (Facing the tide is done for many reasons, but the most important reason is so you can see the approaching rush of the sea and not get caught off guard.  This happened to us and we all got soaked. Even me in my boots.)  Next he showed us how you place the gun at an angle and proceed to swivel it back and forth as you quickly (key word) maneuver the gun into the sand. Then you plug the small hole on the underside of the handle and pull the gun (now suctioned) out of the sand.  (Truthfully, this is back breaking, muscle wrenching work.)  After you pull the gun out, you have to move with super sonic speed in order to sift through the sand for the clam and if it's not there, plunge into the icy cold hole with your hand and fish for your prize.  After I got the hang of it, all of the kids wanted to try and we actually found several for our new found friends.  At one point I looked around at all the smiling faces and was happy that each and everyone of us was enjoying themselves.   

Our new found friends.  

Not long before we found our new hobby our son Brayden wasn't quite enjoying our venture out onto the beach.  However, I noticed that after a little while his face turned from sulking to smiling.  He soon became an expert clam grabber and attacked the wet holes with a passion and helped to take more than one into custody.  Clamming was no longer an unknown culture, but now a beloved experience.  As I talked with our sitter Kate who we brought with us, she recalled her own special childhood memories with her family.  We laughed when she came to the revelation that her parents most likely brought her along in order to claim her fifteen clams.  Growing up in Indiana, the only thing I shucked was corn, and I was as grateful for this new experience as my children were.

As we watched the sun set on our day and I watched my girls enjoy the ocean and the Sunset, I was very grateful for the gifts that the sea bestows on us.  Some our tangible, and some are carried with us in our hearts.  My family and I didn't know the lessons we would learn when we headed to the shore Saturday, and I am glad.  Sometimes the best things are life's little naked surprises.