9-11-01

I've thought all day about what to write about today.  9-11 has become a day to remember a truly terrible moment in our country's history and all those mercilessly killed.  The lasting effects will be felt forever.

I found my old journal of posts to a mom's board from the day after 9-11-01 and I want to share them:

Written 9/12//01
"I did not get on yesterday because of busy connections and then to keep lines open in our area... I watched in disbelief, sadness and anger yesterday.  I did not turn the tv off for over twelve hours... I finally had to make myself go to bed.  I cried many times during the day thinking of all of those lost and trapped and of their families and friends.  Those brave firemen and women as well as the police that were lost... God bless them.

I like many of you was so scared yesterday and still am today.  How could anyone do something so horrible and evil?  AS I sit here pregnant with a tiny baby, I worry what they will face.   Savannah asked why I was crying yesterday and I had a hard time trying to explain to her what happened.  She has no idea the danger that she, as well as all of us were in.  I could only pray that we get whoever did this before they attack again..."

I remember this well.  I was pregnant with Sage and had just moved to New Mexico and was living with my parents for a few weeks until our apartment was ready.  Savannah was three and Sam was 17 months.  The reality of how that day changed all of our lives is still fresh in all of our hearts today.  The immense effect of 9-11 has had an affect on so many, those that were killed during the initial attacks, those lost due to working at the site, troops lost who have been fighting over seas a battle that was waged after 9-11, then all the poor families left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives.  Not to mention the innocence that was taken away from all those who experienced the scenes of the towers falling, planes crashing, people dying.  A true wake up call to an evil that many of us hadn't met until that day.

World Trade Center Site in NYC

Written 9/16/01
"...all those angels who lost their lives this week in this hell were just living their lives.  Working for their families, doing business, vacationing, visiting friends, families... innocent people taken from a human form of the devil.  He has me feeling an anger, as do all of those people trying to hurt us, that I have never felt before.  My blood truly boiled when I heard they were taking people into custody who were possibly making other attempts.  How could they look at the devastation they caused , the heartbreak and even fathom doing more?  I saw that clip on the father looking for his daughter and he said he would do anything to hear her holler at him again, as he broke down into sobs..."

9-11 Memorial

9-11 Memorial

I came to believe back then and I still hold true to this belief today, that we can't let them win.  I remember writing God Bless the USA with my mom across the cinder block wall behind my parent's house in side walk chalk.  My mom and I also stood on a street corner and handed out red, white and blue ribbons to passing cars.  At first we did it to just show support, but people starting giving us donations without us even asking.  We ended up giving all our donations to a local bank that was sending money onto New York to families who had lost a loved one.  When we headed out that day, we didn't have a set plan, we just had to do something!  Like many, we couldn't just sit idly by and feel defeated and heartbroken.  I know that many people across the country did similar acts, many wanted to help, donate, pledge their support for NYC, DC and our entire country.  That part was inspiring and the only way for us to show all those who were in mourning that their loved one had not been lost in vain.  That we wouldn't forget and we would spread beauty and love in their memory.

Cemetery at St. Paul's Chapel of Trinity Church in NYC with World Trade Center Site in the distance.

Today 9-11-01 feels like yesterday, the emotions and images burned into my mind and heart forever.  When I rocked Max tonight and sang him lullabies I was grateful that he wasn't here when 9-11 happened, hopeful that slowly things are getting better and that he won't ever have to witness such wicked acts.  Sadly I know I am being naive.  I know better.  I know what atrocities are still happening all over the world and will continue to happen until we truly are able to find world peace.  Maybe that peace will be found in Max's lifetime, I know I will do my best to encourage him to fight for it.

Side Note:  I took these photographs while paying my respects in NYC in 2009.  

Lost Love

I don't often post about specific details from the days leading up to my move here, but today an old soul prompted me to do so.

As I was heading through the woods this evening on a bike ride, I saw a huge Great Dane.  He was in the middle of the path and because there were people everywhere, I assumed he was with someone.  However, on my way home, he was there again, this time all by himself.  So I stopped, tried to get him to follow me and he did for a minute, but then he just seemed nervous.  Two young girls came riding along and with their help, we got him to trust us enough to read the number on his tag.  I called it and as I waited for his owners to come, my mind went back to my Great Dane, Athena.  When they came to pick him up and we chatted about Danes, I had to leave because I became choked up.  I missed my sweet girl.
 
This wasn't the first time I've had this reaction, it's happened several times before. A few weeks ago while at the Puyallup Farmer's Market with the girls and Max, I wrote on twitter, "Just saw a Great Dane that looked like my old Athena and it brought me to tears.  The past can really hurt.  #love #lost #divorce #sucks"  These words are so true and raw.  Divorce sucks and the casualties that come of it are truly heartbreaking.

Growing up I had always wanted a Great Dane and finally when we moved to Colorado, my dream became reality when we brought home a five month old gangly black puppy.  She was awesome from the beginning, very loving towards the kids and my best friend.  It used to crack me up how she'd follow me around, sit on the tiny rug while I brushed my teeth and even wiggle herself in with me in our tiny toilet room off our bathroom and always found a way to gracefully snuggle herself next to me on my bed.  She didn't leave my side.  One of our things was to go for late night walks, they were what kept me sane and she was my faithful partner and loved me like dogs do, unconditionally.  I cried with her, told her things that were bothering me and counted on her for protection as I walked for hours along dark paths and streets, sometimes even after midnight.  I loved her, she was my guardian angel in the form of a big, wonderful dog.

As the move date grew closer, even though I struggled to find a place that would allow me to keep her, I had hope that something would come through.  Unfortunately I never got that chance.  One night, just after I had headed over to my neighbors to go to bed, someone called to inform me that Athena was running around out front in the snow.  I went out and saw her and all her things out on the front porch.  My ex had kicked her out.  I lost it.

Things had gotten to the point that I no longer was able to sleep in my own house and I was sleeping at my neighbor's on their couch in the basement.  There are certain people who come into your lives and save you and two true examples, are my friends Liz and Brad.  Brad was kind enough to go get her things in order to avoid an episode in front of the kids (who were already very upset at what was happening.)  I was just besides myself and Brad knew I was in no condition to face my ex.

Unfortunately, She couldn't stay with me at my neighbors, although they strongly considered it, but she was too big and they had a new baby and small toddler and I was leaving for a flight the next day.  So, left with no other options, I had to let her go.  With a very heavy heart, I called Great Dane Rescue and a little while later, after one last walk, they came and picked her up.  Honestly, I've only taken Xanax once in my life, and it was that night.  My neighbor had a fear of flying and gave me one like a mother might give a child medicine in hopes to make them feel better.  My heart was broken.  The reality of what was happening to my life was so heavy and heart wrenching, that even the memory of that moment still brings me to tears.  I believe it was a culmination of the loss of my beloved companion and the realization that this was just the first of many casualties of my divorce that finally hit me that fateful night.    

Athena was well trained (we went to puppy and dog class at Petsmart and she was even trained enough for me to take her to a local retirement home.) and such a lover that she was able to find a home almost immediately.  Even knowing this, my heart still hasn't healed from losing her.  Maybe she was symbolic to all that I would lose from my divorce and was a foreshadowing of the difficult days, weeks, months and now years of being away from my two oldest babies.  What a do know, is that any memory or reminder of her still haunts me to the point where I break down on a sunny Saturday at a farmer's market or a Sunday evening in the woods.  I will always love her and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting her down, after all, she was nothing but good to me.  For this reason, after a strange meeting with a similar old soul tonight, just reminded me that sometimes a heart truly doesn't heal. Yes, the pain might fade a little, but eventually, when you least expect it, you round a curve and it's there, right in the middle of your path, waiting for you.
  

This post is dedicated to two people who also loved me unconditionally and opened their home, more than once, to a lost and scared soul. I love you guys!!! And to my Athena Momma, I hope one day we can meet again and I can say both I love you, I am sorry and thank you.