Something Wicked is coming this Way

Someone very close to me is currently separated from their spouse with the understanding that they want a divorce.  They believe they are done.

This position sucks any-which way you look at it.  I have discussed divorce before and the bottom line is, you have to be at your rock bottom in order to put yourself through what can only be described as Hell.  As I have also said, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

On the other hand, if there is an up side to the whole process, it's the fact that if you ever doubted the person you were, or maybe lived in a fog, lied to yourself, or just plain ignored what your heart was telling you, that all has to end when going through a divorce.  Personally it was if I was waking up from a self-induced coma.  There was a healing to finally facing the reality of my life and making the choice to do something about it.    

I remember my counselor using the example of a voice inside of you, telling you what you don't necessarily want to hear.  At first it comes in a whisper, then a normal tone, then a shout and then finally it's as if someone is screaming at you to make a change, to do something.  When you finally do make that decision, your confirmation is that feeling of a thousand pounds being taken off your shoulders.  You find peace.

My message to my sweet loved one and those affected is, it does feel like something wicked has come into your life.  A dark cloud.  But I promise you, the sun does shine again.  Life is never perfect, heart ache never absent, but life is better, lighter, happier.  Your heart free and available to love truly, maybe for first time.  

Side Note:  Today was totally hectic, running here and there, literally.  Then tonight I went to Sage's band concert (Jerry was able to meet me at the school, get the boys and pick up Saxton from soccer so I could actually listen to her play.)  Anyway, at one point the stars aligned and everyone was playing on key and in unison, allowing the music to lift you up.  This is a perfect analogy to my post.  Sometimes, you just have to deal with all the chaos in order to finally find a moment of perfect harmony.  

Friendly Strangers

I am making a goal, to write a blog a day for a month.  As those of you who read my blog know, my siblings and I no longer have contact with our biological father.  This honestly isn't our choice, but his.  We all hope deep down to have some sort of communication with him, but as of now that isn't possible.  So my way of coping is to look at the blessings from my father and four of them truly have saved my life at different points.  My siblings.  We may talk daily, weekly or sometimes monthly, but no matter, our hearts are always connected.  I once described the love between my all of us (including my mom)  as a root system that is so gnarled and interconnected that you can't pry it apart, it's unbreakable. 

My siblings are my support system and they have been pressuring me to write more and even publish.  I think they know me better than myself and have helped to plant the seeds of a long time dream of mine to write a book and possibly include some of my photography.  I am not sure when or if that will happen, but in the mean time I need to at least make the commitment to try.  So this goal, a blog a day is for them.  I love you all so much!

This first blog is dedicated to my family and to a new member of the club that we all belong to, called the I don't know a stranger, club.  Personally I can talk to the wall or just about anyone you put in front of me (my husband can attest to this) and apparently, my son Max is following in his momma's footsteps.  

Max and his new friend at the girl's soccer game.

Today we were checking out at Target. Max was just sitting there and out of the blue pointed to the sales lady at the next counter and said, "thats my friend."  She glanced our way, looking surprised at this declaration, but soon played along and acted as if they knew each other well.  As we were leaving they said their good-byes, but he wasn't done making friends.  At his cajoling, we stopped at  Starbucks on our way out to get him a milk.  As we were paying he turned to the couple behind us and said, "those are my friends."  They too looked caught off guard, but also quickly played along and asked him about the car he was holding.  He made sure to inform them it was "an ambulance."  Both of them laughed and asked him how old he was.  "Two," he proudly informed his new "friends."  They commented to me how smart he seemed, I smiled and took the compliment.  

I agree with them, he is smart and not just because he knows his shapes, how to count and that a truck just isn't truck, but an ambulance.  Max is smart because he knows one simple, yet very important thing, life is much better if you are friendly and treat others kindly, no matter who they are.  Unfortunately I, like many, have had to deal with my share of bullies, people just so miserable that they can't be anything but mean and judgmental.  It's been a process to realize I can't change these people, but I can hopefully raise my children to be the opposite of them; friendly, kind and not afraid to call complete strangers, friends.

One additional side comment about my biological father.  He too is a writer, a genius with his words, using them both to eloquently bolster and demolish a person's psyche.  As I have dealt with the negative people in my life who continue to try and damage my spirit, I have been tempted to share this in order to bring light to their true nature.  However, while that day may come, I am a beacon for my children and an example of how to not only act, but also react to the way others treat me.  As my husband has said more than once, just because they say it, doesn't make it true.  I will take my father's love for writing as a blessing and leave his injurious words (as well as other's) behind.  This is my story and only I can truly narrate the path I have taken as well as the journey yet ahead.      

Healing

Anyone who has ever gone through heartache or has come out of an unhealthy situation, can tell you one of the hardest parts of it all, is simply to heal.  I have tried so many different things, including trying  nothing at all and the truth is that it simply takes time.  Today my sister and I were talking about some pretty intense, painful feelings and God came up.  To be honest I feel like I have prayed myself into a hole.  I am trying to be a good Catholic girl and leave it all to God, but I feel like it's more than that.  My sister said something that made sense, that God isn't going to necessarily change the tough things about your life, but he is there while you are going through them.  The funny thing is after she said that, my eyes opened a bit and while we were talking, I actually felt God.  I told my sister that he gave her to me, he gave all of us (my siblings) to each other.  He knew what we would face and he made sure to give us a small army of unconditional love.

We re-emphasized what we both already knew, healing is hard.  I began to believe all the negative bull shit that was fed to me for most of my life.  It started to cover me and then slowly seep into my soul.  Removing all of that takes time, support, patience and the hardest kind of forgiveness, forgiving yourself.  My sister and I also discussed some techniques of how to deal with all of this.  As we were talking, one thing became clear; we could often be supportive to each other, to other family and friends in need, but we couldn't find the strength to give that same support to ourselves.  Do as I say, not as I do.  Forgive everyone but not yourself.  Love others, but not always yourself.  My husband also helps me with this a lot.  He reminds me that I wouldn't stand by and let someone talk bad about my children, family or friends, so why allow self deprecation?  It's something I need to continue to work on, something that many of the loved ones in my life who have been through the wringer need to work on, it's called healing.


There is a movie that my whole family loves, Prince of Tides and there is one scene in particular that exemplifies our relationship.  It's where the brother and sister (tired of all the fighting and pain in their lives) run and jump off a dock and stay under the water, where it is peaceful.

They are in their own world of quiet and harmony that only they can understand.  That is what my siblings are for me, what my sister and I experienced today.  That unbreakable bond that comes when two people truly know each other and love one another, no mater what.
That is where the healing begins.

         

Death by Divorce

Tonight my husband and I were playing around on Google Earth and I decided to show him my bike route from my house in Fort Collins to Colorado State.  My last semester before I graduated, I made a vow not to drive my car to class and to ride instead.  Thinking back over that I time, I remembered how much I loved those rides.  The path was beautiful and it allowed me a fresh start in the morning and a stress-decompression time in the afternoon.  Recalling memories from this time in my life, is almost like recalling a dream.  I haven't been back to Fort Collins since I moved.  This isn't because I didn't like it there, I did.  I think it is more because I needed time to lick my wounds and heal from my divorce and the pain I went through leading up to that point.

Until last June, I also had not been back to the Midwest since my last visit there with my Ex to baptize Sage and Saxton.  It was there and then that he told me he wanted a divorce.  The act of going back and reliving those, as well as other painful memories of the past was not easy.  It was as if I was dealing with the death of part of me, years of my life lost in a void of space and time.

Maybe my experience is unique in the fact that I did move so far away at the very moment that one part of my life ended and another began.  Not only that, I moved to a place where no one knew me.  They didn't know what I had been through, who my friends were, anything about the journey I had been on with my four oldest children.  It was like starting my life completely over, a clean slate.  However, it also meant the near death of my past, both good and bad, including memories of my life with my Ex and our experiences with our four children, family and friends.  You could liken it to the act of getting rid of a tumor, where sometimes you have to lose good tissue and healthy parts of yourself in order to get rid of the bad.

This "death" is hard sometimes.  I often wish to bridge the gap between my two worlds and allow some of the good to come over into my new life.  Most importantly, I don't want my children to lose their memories because of the association with the negative.  They experienced their childhood during those times and deserve to cherish special memories, as well as feel free to talk about them.  As an example, my Ex and I took several cross country road trips, spanning several states.  These unique trips are still priceless to me as I recall introducing my children to the ocean for the first time, the mountains, great cities and spectacular monuments of our country.  These are the moments that deserve to live.

Our bodies and minds are amazing things.  When we are injured, broken, our body knows to shut down and only run the most important functions in order to heal.  People who have grave brain injuries often go into comas in order to allow for this necessary healing.  I think painful emotional experiences result in a similar phenomenon.   We shut down and only deal with what we have to until we are better.  Then, as we "awake" again, we might feel pain, and have to conceptualize our injury, but hopefully we have had enough healing time in order to deal with it.

I still have rough days as a result of what I have been through and continue to go through,  but thankfully the good far outweigh the bad.  I am finally able to begin to look back and bring life to those memories.  I believe this is all part of the healing process and hopefully someday I can permanently bridge the gap between my pre-divorce and after life.  Until then, I'll liken the process to my rides back in Colorado, and I'll remember the joy of the experience instead of the dips in the road.

A post regarding my biological father.

On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the God and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

John Mayer-Daughters

The hardest part of being at a wedding, or watching one on television is the father-daughter dance.  Every time my chest tightens and I bite my lip and struggle to fight back the tears, to no avail, they always come.  I wanted that.  I wanted to have the opportunity to dance in the arms of my father while listening to the lyrics of a song exemplifying a daddy's love for his little girl and to have those words mean something.  I imagine every daughter wants that.  

The prompt for this blog was a phone call I received a few days ago from my sister Kathleen.  She had gotten a letter in response to her Christmas Card, from our biological father.  I am not going to share the details, only that it was hurtful and ultimately a sign to not only her, but all of my siblings and I that he really had no intentions of having a relationship with us.  Not only that, but that he must really be in a negative space to feel the need to respond in such a condescending way.

What he doesn't realize is that there is nothing he can say to us that we haven't already thought of.  One thing we all learned very young, was how to break ourselves down.  We are all our toughest critic.  Knowing this, my response to the letter was that of a protective big sister.  Initially I was angry at the hurt he caused my beautiful, kind, sweet Kathleen, at the hurt he has caused all of my sisters, my brother, my mother and myself. Then that anger turned to sorrow, I felt sorry for him, for all of us.  What a loss in his life to not have a relationship with all five of his biological children, as well as our families.  

I told Kathleen that she should share the letter with my siblings.  Since he had cut off communication with all of us a little over three years ago, we had all attempted to contact him; a call on his birthday, a message to announce a wedding, the birth of a new baby and received no response.  Finally, after this letter, we had a tangible grasp at his mental state and could now give up hope that he had any intention of deciding to be in our lives.  In a way this letter was a blessing, the old adage:

"Waiting is worse than knowing. 

 Grief rends the heart cleanly; 

that it may begin to heal; 

waiting shreds the spirt."   

Morgan Llywelyn

The ironic thing is that we all wanted him to come around, all wished for a return phone call or a surprise visit.  My siblings and I are not perfect, but one characteristic that we all manifest, almost to fault at times, is our impressive ability to forgive and love.  I often imagined my father showing up on my doorstep and me inviting him in and introducing him to his youngest grandson, showing him how he walks just like his grandpa.  I even had a dream the other night that I looked up and there he was sitting on a bench.  At first we looked at each-other, like strangers, but tentatively we began to speak to one another.  I woke up as I was introducing him to his grandchildren.

My parent's are divorced and my mom has since re-married (they celebrated their thirteenth wedding anniversary this past August).  We all love him and have embraced him as our "dad."  However, I believe this is a hard concept for my biological father. But, what he doesn't realize, is that there is enough love for everyone.  I too am divorced and have remarried.  My Ex and I had three gorgeous daughters and a handsome son together.  Over the past few years my new husband and I have navigated our way through the uncharted territory of our roles as step-parents (he has a son from a previous relationship).  Ultimately, we emphasize the fact that they have the benefit of two sets of parents that love them and that there is always enough love to go around.  Both my husband and I have no desire to replace the biological parent in our children's lives, just to add more love and support.

http://picturesquotes.com/why-a-daughter-needs-a-dad/

One thing I have learned from growing up in a dysfunctional home and dealing with the emotional heartache of not having my dad there when I needed him, is the effect it had on me when making life choices.  I am not here to blame my father for my mistakes.  However, I do wonder sometimes where I would be if I wasn't always running away from the painful memories and events of my childhood and looking for love in all the wrong places?  I greatly take this into consideration when dealing with my own children, especially my oldest daughter who has begun to navigate the world of romantic relationships and love.  The most important thing I want her to know is that she is always loved.  No matter what happens, no matter what choices she makes or mistakes, she and all her siblings are always welcome to come home and I will be waiting with open arms.  My love is unconditional.  It is the one promise that I will never break.

There is a special relationship meant to be between a father and daughter.  He is meant to be her first love, to show her how she deserves to be treated.  I also believe that the relationship example set by parents, forever imprints on a child.  One of the main reasons that I am divorced, is that I wanted to break the cycle of disfunction.  I wanted to put an end to the unsuitable environment that my Ex and I were providing for our four children.  When I was young, I prayed for peace in my home.  I hated the fact that my friends were scared to come over and I had to walk on eggshells in order to survive.  This environment is unacceptable.  Children deserve better, a loving home is a parent's ultimate responsibility. 

As I finish this post I wonder if given the opportunity, would I forgive my father, would I allow him into my life again?  I am not sure.  I think for now I will concentrate on all the good in my life, all those that I love and love me back.  As I attempt to raise my own children I will try to learn from my parent's.  I know that I have made mistakes and will continue to do so, but I hope that as long as my children know that I love them, we can make it through anything.  I will do my best and most importantly, I will never give up on my babies, no matter what.  That is a pain that I have lived with in my own life, and it is one that pray my children will never have to feel.

I love you Savannah, Sam, Sage, Saxton, Brayden and Max to the moon and stars and back.