Dave Matthews and a Grey Street to divorce.

"Oh how she wishes it was different

She prays to God most every night

And though she swears He doesn't listen

There's still hope in her He might

She says I pray

But oh that they fall on deaf ears

Am I supposed to take it on myself

To get out of this place"

Dave Matthews - Grey Street

Four years ago today began the first days of the rest of my life.  On Sunday we had arrived back in Colorado from Indiana visiting family and friends, as well as getting Sage and Saxton baptized.  Monday was my wake up call that my Ex wanted a divorce.  He had told me as much in Indiana, however being home the reality had finally set in.  Fast Forward

Last Sunday my baby sister Colleen, her husband Jed, my husband Jerry and I went on a road trip to the Gorge to see my beloved Dave Matthews.  (I have seen him several times before, the first being March 7th, 1995 in Fort Wayne, Indiana.)  As I have mentioned before, he is my favorite, the soundtrack to my life.  As he sang each song, my smile grew larger, the lyrics rolled effortlessly off my tongue and my body danced a silly dance... I was truly content.  (The Head and The Heart and Lord Huron opened and they were both wonderful!!!)

Dave Matthew's Set List for September 1st, 2013 courtesy  of Dave Matthew's Band Website

 1.  One Sweet World 

 2.  Squirm 

 3.  The Best of Whats Around 

 4.  When The World Ends 

 5.  Recently 

 6.  (Water Into Wine) 

 7.  Gravedigger 

 8.  If Only 

 9.  Lie In Our Graves 

10.  Gaucho 

11.  Kashmir 

12.  Digging a Ditch 

13.  Drive In Drive Out 

14.  Lover Lay Down 

15.  Pig 

16.  Crush 

17.  Snow Outside 

18.  Funny The Way It Is 

19.  Pantala Naga Pampa 

20.  Rapunzel 

-------- ENCORE -------- 

21.  Some Devil *

22.  You and Me 

23.  Grey Street 

Show Notes:

* Dave Solo

 (song name) indicates a partial song

  indicates a segue into next song

Dave never disappoints and sang for close to three hours,  ending with a spectacular encore and a song very close to my heart, Grey Street.

Over thirteen years ago I met a special friend on a Mom's Website called Babycenter.  After logging hundreds of hours on the phone and sharing our lives via the internet,  we finally met each other in New York City in 2005 (I still remember braving the streets of NYC with my four littles ones, aged 1, 3, 5 & 7 and her 3 & 5 year old).  Then in 2006, she came out with her two little ones to visit me.  Unfortunately my Ex overstepped his bounds with her and I lost her friendship for several years.  (We have since become friends again, all in part to my getting divorced.)  This re-connection was a positive step for me as she was one of the first people in my life to really encourage me to leave, to quit tolerating what was going on.  Also a huge Dave fan, she brought to my attention how "Grey Street" was almost a mantra to my life, even sent me a bootlegged version she had come across.  Looking back now, I can only thank her for letting me know that I did have a choice to "kick out the windows" and get out. 

After the concert Jerry and I (My sister, who is now almost 13 weeks pregnant and her husband headed home a little before us) walked with the mass of Dave fans who like us, were also camping at the Gorge.  It was so much fun to be with a literal swarm of people who were jovial and happy, some singing at the top of their lungs.  Our campsite was awesome and I fell asleep listening to the hum of the campground and the occasional firework.  As I though back to the final song, I realized that the emotions that flooded me as I listened to the words of Grey Street were endured in my past and it was time to put those feelings to rest.  I chose to instead think back how many of the other songs made me feel... cheerful and at peace, I held on to that, to carry into my future.  

Side Note:  Today begins another 30 days of posts... it's my dream to write and I won't get there if I don't start here.  This post is dedicated to my friend and our mutual love for DMB.  

    

        

Lost Love

I don't often post about specific details from the days leading up to my move here, but today an old soul prompted me to do so.

As I was heading through the woods this evening on a bike ride, I saw a huge Great Dane.  He was in the middle of the path and because there were people everywhere, I assumed he was with someone.  However, on my way home, he was there again, this time all by himself.  So I stopped, tried to get him to follow me and he did for a minute, but then he just seemed nervous.  Two young girls came riding along and with their help, we got him to trust us enough to read the number on his tag.  I called it and as I waited for his owners to come, my mind went back to my Great Dane, Athena.  When they came to pick him up and we chatted about Danes, I had to leave because I became choked up.  I missed my sweet girl.
 
This wasn't the first time I've had this reaction, it's happened several times before. A few weeks ago while at the Puyallup Farmer's Market with the girls and Max, I wrote on twitter, "Just saw a Great Dane that looked like my old Athena and it brought me to tears.  The past can really hurt.  #love #lost #divorce #sucks"  These words are so true and raw.  Divorce sucks and the casualties that come of it are truly heartbreaking.

Growing up I had always wanted a Great Dane and finally when we moved to Colorado, my dream became reality when we brought home a five month old gangly black puppy.  She was awesome from the beginning, very loving towards the kids and my best friend.  It used to crack me up how she'd follow me around, sit on the tiny rug while I brushed my teeth and even wiggle herself in with me in our tiny toilet room off our bathroom and always found a way to gracefully snuggle herself next to me on my bed.  She didn't leave my side.  One of our things was to go for late night walks, they were what kept me sane and she was my faithful partner and loved me like dogs do, unconditionally.  I cried with her, told her things that were bothering me and counted on her for protection as I walked for hours along dark paths and streets, sometimes even after midnight.  I loved her, she was my guardian angel in the form of a big, wonderful dog.

As the move date grew closer, even though I struggled to find a place that would allow me to keep her, I had hope that something would come through.  Unfortunately I never got that chance.  One night, just after I had headed over to my neighbors to go to bed, someone called to inform me that Athena was running around out front in the snow.  I went out and saw her and all her things out on the front porch.  My ex had kicked her out.  I lost it.

Things had gotten to the point that I no longer was able to sleep in my own house and I was sleeping at my neighbor's on their couch in the basement.  There are certain people who come into your lives and save you and two true examples, are my friends Liz and Brad.  Brad was kind enough to go get her things in order to avoid an episode in front of the kids (who were already very upset at what was happening.)  I was just besides myself and Brad knew I was in no condition to face my ex.

Unfortunately, She couldn't stay with me at my neighbors, although they strongly considered it, but she was too big and they had a new baby and small toddler and I was leaving for a flight the next day.  So, left with no other options, I had to let her go.  With a very heavy heart, I called Great Dane Rescue and a little while later, after one last walk, they came and picked her up.  Honestly, I've only taken Xanax once in my life, and it was that night.  My neighbor had a fear of flying and gave me one like a mother might give a child medicine in hopes to make them feel better.  My heart was broken.  The reality of what was happening to my life was so heavy and heart wrenching, that even the memory of that moment still brings me to tears.  I believe it was a culmination of the loss of my beloved companion and the realization that this was just the first of many casualties of my divorce that finally hit me that fateful night.    

Athena was well trained (we went to puppy and dog class at Petsmart and she was even trained enough for me to take her to a local retirement home.) and such a lover that she was able to find a home almost immediately.  Even knowing this, my heart still hasn't healed from losing her.  Maybe she was symbolic to all that I would lose from my divorce and was a foreshadowing of the difficult days, weeks, months and now years of being away from my two oldest babies.  What a do know, is that any memory or reminder of her still haunts me to the point where I break down on a sunny Saturday at a farmer's market or a Sunday evening in the woods.  I will always love her and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting her down, after all, she was nothing but good to me.  For this reason, after a strange meeting with a similar old soul tonight, just reminded me that sometimes a heart truly doesn't heal. Yes, the pain might fade a little, but eventually, when you least expect it, you round a curve and it's there, right in the middle of your path, waiting for you.
  

This post is dedicated to two people who also loved me unconditionally and opened their home, more than once, to a lost and scared soul. I love you guys!!! And to my Athena Momma, I hope one day we can meet again and I can say both I love you, I am sorry and thank you.  

Judgement

Judgement, we are all guilty of it. We meet someone, we hear about somebody's crazy story, relationships, choices and we pass on our own set of judgements.

"Walk a mile in my shoes..." Have a conversation with me. Talk to me. Ask me questions. I'll answer. If you have the courage to speak before judgement or in the face of it, I'll give you the promise if an honest reply.

Ask about my past. It doesn't define me, but it helped to create the person I am today. I'm not perfect. Perfection is a lie upon which people stand because they can't be honest with themselves. If you can't be honest with yourself, deal with the rawness of your true self, then no one will be able to know the true you.

Love and then forgive and then move on.

Be yourself. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others define who you are by their twisted and unhealthy perceptions.

Don't tolerate manipulation, it's a form of abuse.

Be grateful for friendship. I have been amazingly blessed by many angels who have walked through my life and literally stood by my side in my darkest hours.

Cherish family. My gorgeous, perfectly imperfect family. I love you and the unconditional love you have given to me time and time again.

My babies. I love you. I promise to never judge you, but instead, appreciate you in your most beautiful light.

Judgement. I won't tolerate it. Life is too short and I'm tired of a mis drawn conclusion without reading the whole story.

Remember... Things aren't always what they seem or how you perceive them to be.

The Naked Clam

Max headed to check out the ocean with his big brother Brayden.

A Clam culture does exist!  I was finally educated on this beloved tradition while visiting Ocean Shores this weekend with my family.  We headed up on Saturday to stay for the night at The Quinault and upon arrival noticed the clamming Woodstock that was taking place on the beach.  There were people everywhere and while they were not naked, after all the shucking that was said and done, the clams were.  I was intrigued.

After we checked in and got all our warm gear on, we headed out to the hysteria that was taking place on the beach.  The clamming craziness was in full swing.  Clammers, all decked out in huge boots, or even waders and rain gear were going at the beach with their clam guns and shovels as if they were digging for gold.  Our curiosity got the best of us and we quickly set out to find answers, first and foremost, what were these clam characters they were going after?  I looked down after the tide had drawn out and there was this strange thing wriggling in the sand.  Quickly I grabbed the strange creature and pulled it out of the soft beach, a clam!  (I later found out that just grabbing them like that was rare, normally you had to get down and dirty and dig for them.) A little while later I attempted to grab another one and tore off it's head, basically I murdered it.  Feeling terrible and not wanting to waste his life, the kids and I looked for some hungry Seagulls to share my find with.  They were more than willing to feast on my victim.

Clamming is not for the faint of heart.  It is a cold, wet and very dirty, sandy venture and all for just fifteen clams.  The Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife States:

“The first fifteen razor clams regardless of size or condition must be retained. One daily limit of fresh shellfish may be in possession. Additional shellfish may be possessed in a frozen or processed form. Razor clams may not be returned to the beach. For razor clams, holes do not have to be refilled as is required for hard-shell clam digging.”

This is serious business and I began to notice this was a family affair, even toddlers were booted up and part of the mayhem.  I asked a friendly fellow to explain some of the rules and he informed me that adults have to have a license, but children, as long as they were with a licensed adult, could also procure fifteen clams.   One father noted that this was true, however he made sure his children took part in the process and helped dig and retrieve the clams.  However, what he didn't tell me, and what I soon realized, was how hard the digging actually was.  

Saxton trying her hand
at clamming.

A clam in the sand next to clam gun.

As we headed down the beach we came across a nice woman and her nieces and nephews.  They were really struggling to find and acquire any clams.  They were really working hard and not having much return.  After attempting to help them for a little while, we all caught a break when a good Samaritan stopped and gave us a clam-digging-101 lesson on using a clam gun.  First, you need to locate the bubbling hole which is hopefully holding a clam, then face the incoming tide and prepare to stab the shore with your gun. (Facing the tide is done for many reasons, but the most important reason is so you can see the approaching rush of the sea and not get caught off guard.  This happened to us and we all got soaked. Even me in my boots.)  Next he showed us how you place the gun at an angle and proceed to swivel it back and forth as you quickly (key word) maneuver the gun into the sand. Then you plug the small hole on the underside of the handle and pull the gun (now suctioned) out of the sand.  (Truthfully, this is back breaking, muscle wrenching work.)  After you pull the gun out, you have to move with super sonic speed in order to sift through the sand for the clam and if it's not there, plunge into the icy cold hole with your hand and fish for your prize.  After I got the hang of it, all of the kids wanted to try and we actually found several for our new found friends.  At one point I looked around at all the smiling faces and was happy that each and everyone of us was enjoying themselves.   

Our new found friends.  

Not long before we found our new hobby our son Brayden wasn't quite enjoying our venture out onto the beach.  However, I noticed that after a little while his face turned from sulking to smiling.  He soon became an expert clam grabber and attacked the wet holes with a passion and helped to take more than one into custody.  Clamming was no longer an unknown culture, but now a beloved experience.  As I talked with our sitter Kate who we brought with us, she recalled her own special childhood memories with her family.  We laughed when she came to the revelation that her parents most likely brought her along in order to claim her fifteen clams.  Growing up in Indiana, the only thing I shucked was corn, and I was as grateful for this new experience as my children were.

As we watched the sun set on our day and I watched my girls enjoy the ocean and the Sunset, I was very grateful for the gifts that the sea bestows on us.  Some our tangible, and some are carried with us in our hearts.  My family and I didn't know the lessons we would learn when we headed to the shore Saturday, and I am glad.  Sometimes the best things are life's little naked surprises.        

2:44 am love letter and thank you note

Do you ever wish you could teleport yourself? I do, all the time. I have all these beautiful people spread across the country who I just would like to give a hug. I want to thank these people for walking some of the darkest paths in my life with me. Some held the light for minutes and some for months or even years. I love these wonderful people. You gave me friendship, you gave me hope, you gave me all kinds of love, even the tough kind. Some gave me a place to sleep when I was at my lowest point and needed refuge. Others traveled great distances to be by my side when I needed them. Thank you. Hopefully over time I can thank you more fully than I am right now... Just know I love you and you will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Faces of a family.

On New Year's Eve 2012, my 24 year old sister got married.  The experience of watching my "baby" sister go through the rite of passage of becoming an adult was a bit difficult for me.  After all,  I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday.  I believed she was going to bring good luck to our family because I saw a full rainbow the afternoon of her “birth” day.  While she didn’t bring luck where my parents were concerned,  she brought smiles and love into my life.  I view that as lucky.  Growing up in our family was different than most of my friends.  We didn't just go through life together, we survived life together.  My little sisters and my older brother were my life and at times I was not just their sister, but their guardian, their parent and their best friend, as they were mine.    

Proud Parents

As I watched my little 'leen prepare for her wedding, there was that moment when I realized that this was actually happening, my little Colleen was going to be someone's wife.  I wanted to go all “big sister” on her and tell her a thing or two about growing up, maturity and marriage, however I quickly stopped myself (for the most part.)  When I was 24 I had two babies and was in a mess of a marriage, what did I know?!  Maybe now I could speak from experience, from the position of being older and wiser, but I realized that she had to live through her own “24” and figure things out.  I could drop a few hints, offer up some sisterly advice on love and commitment and I did, but I needed to cap my guidance before it bubbled over and she would no longer be willing to grasp any of it. 

My sisters, my friends.

Family is funny.  I look around at mine and wonder if I met these people out in the world, if we weren’t related, would we be friends?    Honestly, maybe so, maybe not.  We are so different, on different paths that literally lead to far away places.  Yet, no matter what, we eventually come back together and when we do, it’s not always perfect, but it’s wonderful.  It’s love.  There is always that first embrace, when you are almost squeezing the life out of the other person, or maybe you are trying to squeeze all your love back in, a metaphorical fill-up.  Those moments are one of my favorites, the feelings are so raw and real, the love palpable.  I am home. 

A big kiss from my little sister.

Love full circle!

We had a lot of fun during the week of my sister’s wedding, but like all family gatherings, especially during stressful times, there were some bumps.  But the beautiful thing about my family is that we get over it, we find some understanding, hand out some forgiveness and move on.  These wonderful people may be difficult at times, but ultimately they are my family and they’re encrypted in my heart forever.  Hey, I am not perfect, I have made and I am sure will continue to make mistakes in my life.  My path has been bumpy and rough at times and through all that my family has been there for me.  They might not always agree, but they don’t judge.  They love me unconditionally, as I do them.  

My loves

My son and daughter dancing!

If I could teach my children anything, it would be the importance of family.  Throughout their lives they will need that one person who will pick them up, dust them off and right their spirit again, they will need the unconditional love of family.   

I love you my sweet family, to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back!