Showing posts with label sunshine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sunshine. Show all posts

Monday, June 17, 2013

Love captured in a photo

      I am going to allow my photography speak for me for this blog.  I hadn’t planned to take pictures of the girls, we had stopped by our new house to check it’s progress and we were just about to leave.  The girls were coming up the road and I quickly grabbed my camera to catch them laughing.  Ironically those photos didn’t really turn out, however I had them go play in the field next to our house and they made my job easy.  The pictures aren’t perfect, nor professional by any means, but to me they are priceless.  To witness all three of my daughters laughing and just being silly was a heartwarming sight.  These few precious days together are going to be gone in a blink, so I am very grateful for the love captured forever in a photo.  
























Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Something Wicked is coming this Way

Someone very close to me is currently separated from their spouse with the understanding that they want a divorce.  They believe they are done.

This position sucks any-which way you look at it.  I have discussed divorce before and the bottom line is, you have to be at your rock bottom in order to put yourself through what can only be described as Hell.  As I have also said, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

On the other hand, if there is an up side to the whole process, it's the fact that if you ever doubted the person you were, or maybe lived in a fog, lied to yourself, or just plain ignored what your heart was telling you, that all has to end when going through a divorce.  Personally it was if I was waking up from a self-induced coma.  There was a healing to finally facing the reality of my life and making the choice to do something about it.    

I remember my counselor using the example of a voice inside of you, telling you what you don't necessarily want to hear.  At first it comes in a whisper, then a normal tone, then a shout and then finally it's as if someone is screaming at you to make a change, to do something.  When you finally do make that decision, your confirmation is that feeling of a thousand pounds being taken off your shoulders.  You find peace.

My message to my sweet loved one and those affected is, it does feel like something wicked has come into your life.  A dark cloud.  But I promise you, the sun does shine again.  Life is never perfect, heart ache never absent, but life is better, lighter, happier.  Your heart free and available to love truly, maybe for first time.  

Side Note:  Today was totally hectic, running here and there, literally.  Then tonight I went to Sage's band concert (Jerry was able to meet me at the school, get the boys and pick up Saxton from soccer so I could actually listen to her play.)  Anyway, at one point the stars aligned and everyone was playing on key and in unison, allowing the music to lift you up.  This is a perfect analogy to my post.  Sometimes, you just have to deal with all the chaos in order to finally find a moment of perfect harmony.  

Monday, March 18, 2013

I just lost it.

Snapchat I sent to Savannah!

This morning Max found a school picture of Savannah "sister."  He showed it to me and told me about "sister" as he calls her these days.  He even put her picture to "sleep" and then they watched Thomas together.  Then, out of the blue, he talked about Savannah and Sam coming.  He says "they are going to pick me up."  It made me both happy and sad for Max to talk about them.  I lost it though when I found Max at the front window waiting for them to come, for some reason he thought they would be there.  I too wished more than anything he was right, but knowing in reality they were hundreds of miles away.  Now I am just sitting here crying, missing my two oldest babies like crazy.


Some days are better than others, but it's times like this that I don't know if my heart can take them being gone for so long.  This week is especially hard because Sam's thirteenth birthday is on Sunday.  I can't believe he is going to be a teenager and I wish that I was able to be there with him.  This morning I found some socks of his from his toddler days and felt a sentimental pang when I put them on Max.  The sweatshirt Max is wearing was also Sam's, these are the hand-me-downs I just adore.  

The choice to get divorced in order to bring a healthier life for your children and yourself is a really hard decision and one I did not make lightly.  I believe that our quality of life has improved and we're slowly healing after what we have all gone through. Unfortunately, some of the residual pain and time away from my little ones is something I am sure I will never get over, nor get used to.  They are my heart and soul. 

Love to all of my babies and special hugs and kisses across the miles to my Savannah and Birthday Boy Sam.  I love you to the moon and stars and back!

Monday, October 22, 2012

I heard you God, Thank you for listening.

Yesterday was a typical Washington fall day, where the rain comes and goes and when it leaves the sun comes out and warms your whole soul.  After a lazy morning and a bike ride, Jerry and I went on an errand with the kiddos and then made it home just in time for Max's nap.  The kids played and Jerry and I just relaxed.  I had been thinking all day about making a trip out to Chamber's Bay with Puppy to help get her wiggles out.  With our crazy schedule, and the fall weather moving in, her exercise time has diminished. 

So after a storm came and went and the sun showed itself again, Puppy and I headed out.  Jerry and the gang stayed back, the girls were playing and I later found out he wanted to clean the garage, a very nice surprise. :)  As I drove I actually had a pretty intense conversation with my cousin, lately we have been having more and more of these kind of talks, where you just lay it out there and get to work.  During this particular conversation, God came up.  We both discussed how sometimes doubt would sink in when it came to God and prayer.  How often times you pray for someone, something, or a situation and feel like your prayers fall on deaf ears.  It can be frustrating, it can cause your faith to be questioned.

A side conversation we had during the drive was about the weather.  When I left (the drive is about twenty five minutes) the sun was out, and it stayed out the whole way, it didn't hide it's face until I pulled in my parking spot.  I could see the wall of clouds coming the whole way and joked with my cousin about the fact that the sun would disappear as soon as I got there and it literally did.  I was bummed, having brought my camera* and hoping to get some shots of the sun setting.  Instead, big grey clouds billowed out over the water.  Then just as I was heading on the path down the hill with Puppy, and saying good-bye to my cousin, the sun squeezed through one last time and shined like a spot light on a passing ferry.  I told my cousin about it, sent her a picture.  God was letting me know that he was listening, but that I still hadn't gotten his message yet.
 Puppy and I continued to head down the hill and towards the dog park, our first stop.  She was so excited that I let go of her leash and watched her high tail it to the gate.  Even with the impending storm there were a few dogs playing and Puppy was able to run and enjoy herself for quite a while.  Then the rain drops started to fall, big and filled with purpose.  I guess at that point Puppy and I could have headed quickly up the hill, out of the rain and home.  But instead I was drawn to the water, towards the storm.

As Puppy and I walked towards the beach, we passed others heading to their cars.  I didn't even think about turning around, even as the wind picked up and the rain came down with pelting force, we kept going.  As I crossed the bridge/pier and headed to the stairs that would lead me to the water I saw a couple dressed in rain coats.  They were also braving the weather with their furry friend and it made me smile to see the bright colors of their shapes walking into the along the horizon of the dark sky.
Shortly after Puppy and I arrived on the beach the storm really picked up and we were forced to take shelter up against one of the pier beams.  Soon it was hailing and the wind was whipping across the water with flourish.  I would occasionally try to to take a photograph, but the rain would pelt my lens quicker than I could dry it.  Puppy was such a trooper and I tried to hold her to me and keep her from getting totally drenched, but I don't think she really cared, she was in her element.  Soon, I was too.  Jerry had encouraged me to take his rain jacket and I was now glad I had agreed.
After the hail stopped, Puppy and I ventured out.  It was still raining, but the sun was trying to come out across the Sound and I was waiting for the rainbow that would come of it, and eventually it did.  The rain drops pelted the waves giving a gritty appearance to the water.  It was awesome, as was the sound of the waves breaking over the rocks and pebbles.  I had long since turned off my music and this was the perfect soundtrack to this unplanned afternoon retreat. (If you look closely at the picture on the left, you can see the rain coming down.)
 
Slowly we made our way down the beach, past the abandoned building, remains of a quarry that existed decades ago, and down to an open area of the beach.  I watched the sea gulls soar by and was amazed how they didn't fight the wind or the rain, but instead seemed to relish in it.  Time flew by and I began to feel more and more at peace as the sun slowly won out over the big storm clouds.  The rainbow came and eventually went and left behind a gorgeous sunset.  I was in heaven and took turns taking photographs with my phone and my camera.  I often would watch the sun set at home or on a bike ride and wish to be here, and I was grateful today to be having the ability to watch the sun sink into the horizon and the clouds produce their art across the sky.
 
I didn't do anything except watch mother nature do her best to take my breath away.  It had been a long week and I have been worried about those close to me and I was really starting to feel the weight of life on my shoulders.  I was starting to to doubt God and then I came here, came for this walk, this experience of an impending storm, the storm itself and then the gorgeous aftermath.  I had experienced them all and appreciated each for their beauty and purpose.  All of a sudden, as I was starting to head back along the beach, as I was watching the sun sink lower into the water, I understood. 
 
The Sun hadn't gone away when I arrived, it had only been blocked temporarily by the storm. When it finally reappeared, it was the most beautiful sight, it was like heaven on earth.  Even before the rain ceased, the sun was shining and throwing light around, through the water drops and across the waves in the most spectacular way.  The clouds that were supplying art and ample photographs, would not have been as phenomenal as they were, without first being part of the storm.  God had tested me, waited to see if I would remain even when most people wouldn't have stayed.  This afternoon and early evening were meant for me, a gift, and a parallel to what was going on in my life and the lives of my loved ones.
 
I have to admit as the pieces to the puzzle that God had given to me fell into place, I began to feel tears fill my eyes.  Flooded by so many emotions, I felt almost overwhelmed.  This place was already so special to me, I should have known that it was where I needed to come to hear what God had to say.  It was simple.  Have faith.  Life is filled with storms, but they will pass and in their wake they will leave something beautiful.  I could either turn around at the first signs of the storm, as soon as the rain began to fall, I could go to someplace safe. Or, I could face the storm, walk into it, head held high and wait it out, wait to see what beauty the storm produced.  God has been listening all along, I just had to realise it, and have faith that he knows best. 
 
As I gathered pebbles for my collection and carefully picked and threw rocks, my prayers came with flourish.  For the first time in a while, my soul was calm as I was filled with the peace that God was hearing each and everyone and he was holding them in the palm of his hand.  They may not be answered today or tomorrow, but I now had a new found belief that they will be someday and I will continue to weather the storm until that time comes. 
 
*All the pictures in this post were taken yesterday while I was at Chamber's Bay.