Finding Contentment in the Heartland.

My beautiful cousin Christi and I. 

My cousin's youngest Madeline and Ginger

I have been periodically going for walks with a friend of mine who I will identify as my "Spiritual Leader."  He might shy away from such a title, but I think it fits him.  He has been helping me to find God again.  Not necessarily in a way that my traditional Catholic ways encouraged, but more in the way I needed.  A way that led to me praying with more flourish and trust.  Isn't that what God wants of us?  To trust him with the issues and people closest to our hearts and heaviest on our minds?  I believe so. 

My baby driving me around for the first time!

My sweet Tameca.

Today my SL (Spiritual Leader)  used the analogy of a pounding surf and either allowing the problems and stresses of our life to slowly erode away our shore, or stand strong and hold our position.  To become Rocks in a Jetty of sorts.  I took to the analogy.  Anything to do with the sea and the magic of the boundary between land and water, the edge of the earth, the end of a journey or the beginning, speaks to me.  I have loved this blog, now over three years old.  I respect it and the freedom of speech that I am entitled to.   I want to be honest and sometimes that's scary and I would rather stay silent then to write empty paragraphs.

My brother Matt and sister Colleen

Lately I have been feeling the effects of the heaviness of life. I have been unable at times to shake the exhaustion that comes from carrying too much for too long.  For trying too hard to fix everything, defend my actions, make right the world.  I have to hand over the responsibility to others.   An analogy my SL gave me was how often times others will throw their anger, nastiness, issues, hatred and negativity at you like a ball in hopes you will catch it and maybe even throw it back bringing you down to their level.  I have to learn to allow the ball to drop.  Sometimes it's okay to just let the ball fall and walk away.  One of my husband's favorite sayings is, "Just because they say it, doesn't make it true."  Just because they throw it at you, doesn't mean you have to catch it, carry it or keep it.  Just let it drop.

Loving on my niece Alannah.

Sam and his Uncle Jed.

Love at first sight.

I went back to Indiana a few weeks ago to see my two oldest babies.  (I know they are no longer "babies" but I use that term of endearment because I like what it means to me.) 
            There I go defending... I even do it in my writing.  That's another thing that I wish I could free everyone from, the need to defend themselves.  It's a trap I fall into, the need to explain, defend, instead of letting the ball drop.  Getting to see my babies meant seeing my Ex, driving with him the few miles to surprise my Savannah at school.  We proved we could be civil for more than a moment for the sake of our beautiful children.  It was worth every ounce of anxiety that I previously felt to see the look on her face when she realized I was the one in the passenger seat.  To watch her drop her back pack and run screaming and crying into my arms.  It was a perfect moment.
Later I was even able to sit across from him when we went to lunch with Savannah and her friend.  I wish we could have extended the civility to the drop off, but we still have a long way to go in the healing process.  And unfortunately sometimes the situation just is what it is.

Loving on Grandma. My Angel in My Life.

Girlfriends!

Love is giving your friend a much needed pedicure

!

While I was in Indiana, I had this moment of pure contentment.  My girlfriend Leslie decided I needed a pedicure and with the help of her two oldest (who were doll babies and even gave Savannah, Sam and I their rooms for two nights), set it up right there on her back patio.  Sam was there with a grin and Savannah too, as well as another one of my dearest friends and I was just happy.  The anxiousness of traveling, flying to Chicago, driving to Indy and the stress of the unknown with my Ex just melted away.  I was surrounded by love and friendship.  I allowed myself to be happy.  I absorbed all the love I received from that trip, from my cousin in Chicago, my siblings, my family, my grandma, my beloved friends and their children and from my sweet babies and allowed myself to let go.  Take the best and leave the rest. 

A whole bunch of littles and even missing three!

I also realized yet again how incredibly blessed I am to have people envelope me in their arms, no matter how long its been.  One example is my friend Tameca.  We hadn't seen one another in years, but it may as well have been only a moment.  The love and friendship still there, still strong and she literally stood arm and arm with me as my Ex pulled up.  That feeling of solidarity that never left no matter the length of time that had passed.  Each and every hug I received, from my Best Friend Leslie's husband's famous bear hugs to my delicate embrace with my Grandma reminded me that no matter what you can count on love.  Moments such as holding my beautiful new baby niece for the first time and a middle of the night giggle fest with Savannah as we enjoyed a priceless slumber party at Leslie's, prompted me to enjoy the simple moments of contentment.  They are not something you can buy or even plan, they just happen.

My loves... Leslie, Lauri and Jen

It's ironic, as I type this the rain comes and goes, as does the sunshine and for a few moments I am able to enjoy them both.  I say this because I have learned to embrace the rain, the clouds, the storms along with the sun.  I appreciate the sound of the rain on the trees, the shade of the clouds and the way the trees sound in a storm.  These are not things to curse, but to embrace.  The rain cleans my soul and the stale air that sometimes surrounds us.  It's funny because earlier today after my SL and I said our good-byes the rain really started to fall.  I initially ran, trying to beat the drops.  But then I stopped, walked and as the rain poured over me, I prayed for the it to wash away my worries.  I have felt better since.  

Leslie's Littles!

Lauri's Littles with mine!

My wonderful Cara!  She drove with me 27 hours to help move me to Washington!

My Sam!

My tendency is to feel anxiety, to worry, to feel fearful and count on the worst.  This is what a person's past can do to them.  However, my pledge to myself is to give all that to God.  I can't foresee the future, but I have to trust that I am on the right path.  If I am, then I have to have faith that God will help me along it.  To me that is my secret to contentment, knowing in my heart that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing and trusting God with the rest.  I guess I should take a lesson from my first real driving experience with my daughter Savannah, as terrifying as it is, sometimes you just have to let go and just trust someone else to take the wheel.   

Things happen for a reason

People have told me on many occasions that, "things happen for a reason."  I think I am finally at the point where I believe them.  There are so many events in my life that I can now look back on and say, "oh, that's why that happened," or be grateful for the Lord's unanswered prayers.  One of my favorite concepts is how God either responds with a, "yes," "no" or, "not yet."  I have realized that I have gotten several "not yets" in my life.

Recently a sequence of events took place and after initially feeling anxiety, a strange calm came over me.  I truly trusted that was meant to be, would be and I listened to and most importantly, trusted my gut instincts.  Later a friend told me how she had been praying and I believed her, because I honestly felt it.

Prayer is awesome and there has been times in my life that it was all I had.  I remember during the end of my previous marriage, going to the church at my children's school in Colorado and praying my heart out each morning after I dropped them off.  Each day, my feeling of peace grew and when it finally came time to make one of the biggest decisions in my life, I literally threw up my hands and gave it to God.  Sometimes certain things are just too big for anyone to handle.

So today, while I do feel very blessed with who and what I have in my life, I am still waiting for some answers, even miracles you might say.  For this reason, I will hold on to hope, faith and prayer and the fact that things truly do happen for a reason.

There goes my heart.

I don't know if I knew what true heartache was until I had my children. The feeling I have right now as I sit and stare at a plane that carries two pieces of my heart must be heartbreak. I bite my lip and blink back tears, feeling pain in my chest and in my heart. I hate this part, after the good-byes (they were quick today, the steward took the girls right away), when I have to wait for the plane to take off. I know these beautiful little people, my joys, are on that plane, but I can't get to them. I always imagine breaking through the door and running to them, holding tight and not letting go. I wonder if the gate attendant would think I was crazy if I asked him to tell them, "mom loves you," one more time. I know I'll see them soon and God willing, I'll see Savannah and Sam a week from today. But right now it just hurts and makes me hate the fact that my family is split up. Divorce sucks. Split parenting sucks. I never imagined how hard this would be, these heart wrenching goodbyes at an airport. I still remember hugging (clinging for dear life might be more accurate) Savannah and Sam this summer, I just didn't want to let go. I don't think I will ever get used to watching my babies walk away. I know my heart will ever accept their leaving. So right now I let the tears fall and just pray to God and all the angels in heaven to keep each and everyone of my babies safe. I watch your plane leave the gate and I just feel so lost. Please know my loves... I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to hold you again soon! Love, momma.

I heard you God, Thank you for listening.

Yesterday was a typical Washington fall day, where the rain comes and goes and when it leaves the sun comes out and warms your whole soul.  After a lazy morning and a bike ride, Jerry and I went on an errand with the kiddos and then made it home just in time for Max's nap.  The kids played and Jerry and I just relaxed.  I had been thinking all day about making a trip out to Chamber's Bay with Puppy to help get her wiggles out.  With our crazy schedule, and the fall weather moving in, her exercise time has diminished. 

So after a storm came and went and the sun showed itself again, Puppy and I headed out.  Jerry and the gang stayed back, the girls were playing and I later found out he wanted to clean the garage, a very nice surprise. :)  As I drove I actually had a pretty intense conversation with my cousin, lately we have been having more and more of these kind of talks, where you just lay it out there and get to work.  During this particular conversation, God came up.  We both discussed how sometimes doubt would sink in when it came to God and prayer.  How often times you pray for someone, something, or a situation and feel like your prayers fall on deaf ears.  It can be frustrating, it can cause your faith to be questioned.

A side conversation we had during the drive was about the weather.  When I left (the drive is about twenty five minutes) the sun was out, and it stayed out the whole way, it didn't hide it's face until I pulled in my parking spot.  I could see the wall of clouds coming the whole way and joked with my cousin about the fact that the sun would disappear as soon as I got there and it literally did.  I was bummed, having brought my camera* and hoping to get some shots of the sun setting.  Instead, big grey clouds billowed out over the water.  Then just as I was heading on the path down the hill with Puppy, and saying good-bye to my cousin, the sun squeezed through one last time and shined like a spot light on a passing ferry.  I told my cousin about it, sent her a picture.  God was letting me know that he was listening, but that I still hadn't gotten his message yet.

 Puppy and I continued to head down the hill and towards the dog park, our first stop.  She was so excited that I let go of her leash and watched her high tail it to the gate.  Even with the impending storm there were a few dogs playing and Puppy was able to run and enjoy herself for quite a while.  Then the rain drops started to fall, big and filled with purpose.  I guess at that point Puppy and I could have headed quickly up the hill, out of the rain and home.  But instead I was drawn to the water, towards the storm.

As Puppy and I walked towards the beach, we passed others heading to their cars.  I didn't even think about turning around, even as the wind picked up and the rain came down with pelting force, we kept going.  As I crossed the bridge/pier and headed to the stairs that would lead me to the water I saw a couple dressed in rain coats.  They were also braving the weather with their furry friend and it made me smile to see the bright colors of their shapes walking into the along the horizon of the dark sky.

Shortly after Puppy and I arrived on the beach the storm really picked up and we were forced to take shelter up against one of the pier beams.  Soon it was hailing and the wind was whipping across the water with flourish.  I would occasionally try to to take a photograph, but the rain would pelt my lens quicker than I could dry it.  Puppy was such a trooper and I tried to hold her to me and keep her from getting totally drenched, but I don't think she really cared, she was in her element.  Soon, I was too.  Jerry had encouraged me to take his rain jacket and I was now glad I had agreed.

After the hail stopped, Puppy and I ventured out.  It was still raining, but the sun was trying to come out across the Sound and I was waiting for the rainbow that would come of it, and eventually it did.  The rain drops pelted the waves giving a gritty appearance to the water.  It was awesome, as was the sound of the waves breaking over the rocks and pebbles.  I had long since turned off my music and this was the perfect soundtrack to this unplanned afternoon retreat. (If you look closely at the picture on the left, you can see the rain coming down.)

 

Slowly we made our way down the beach, past the abandoned building, remains of a quarry that existed decades ago, and down to an open area of the beach.  I watched the sea gulls soar by and was amazed how they didn't fight the wind or the rain, but instead seemed to relish in it.  Time flew by and I began to feel more and more at peace as the sun slowly won out over the big storm clouds.  The rainbow came and eventually went and left behind a gorgeous sunset.  I was in heaven and took turns taking photographs with my phone and my camera.  I often would watch the sun set at home or on a bike ride and wish to be here, and I was grateful today to be having the ability to watch the sun sink into the horizon and the clouds produce their art across the sky.

 

I didn't do anything except watch mother nature do her best to take my breath away.  It had been a long week and I have been worried about those close to me and I was really starting to feel the weight of life on my shoulders.  I was starting to to doubt God and then I came here, came for this walk, this experience of an impending storm, the storm itself and then the gorgeous aftermath.  I had experienced them all and appreciated each for their beauty and purpose.  All of a sudden, as I was starting to head back along the beach, as I was watching the sun sink lower into the water, I understood. 

 

The Sun hadn't gone away when I arrived, it had only been blocked temporarily by the storm. When it finally reappeared, it was the most beautiful sight, it was like heaven on earth.  Even before the rain ceased, the sun was shining and throwing light around, through the water drops and across the waves in the most spectacular way.  The clouds that were supplying art and ample photographs, would not have been as phenomenal as they were, without first being part of the storm.  God had tested me, waited to see if I would remain even when most people wouldn't have stayed.  This afternoon and early evening were meant for me, a gift, and a parallel to what was going on in my life and the lives of my loved ones.

 

I have to admit as the pieces to the puzzle that God had given to me fell into place, I began to feel tears fill my eyes.  Flooded by so many emotions, I felt almost overwhelmed.  This place was already so special to me, I should have known that it was where I needed to come to hear what God had to say.  It was simple.  Have faith.  Life is filled with storms, but they will pass and in their wake they will leave something beautiful.  I could either turn around at the first signs of the storm, as soon as the rain began to fall, I could go to someplace safe. Or, I could face the storm, walk into it, head held high and wait it out, wait to see what beauty the storm produced.  God has been listening all along, I just had to realise it, and have faith that he knows best. 

 

As I gathered pebbles for my collection and carefully picked and threw rocks, my prayers came with flourish.  For the first time in a while, my soul was calm as I was filled with the peace that God was hearing each and everyone and he was holding them in the palm of his hand.  They may not be answered today or tomorrow, but I now had a new found belief that they will be someday and I will continue to weather the storm until that time comes. 

 

*All the pictures in this post were taken yesterday while I was at Chamber's Bay.