A secret between sisters.

H a P p Y   B i R t H d A y   Kathleen!!!

September 24, 2009 Las Vegas Birthday Trip!  

September 25, 2009 Las Vegas!

Four years ago today I was in Vegas with my family celebrating all of our birthdays.  The trip was more than that though.  An hour before I flew from Denver  (I was living in Colorado at the time) to Nevada, my Ex flew to California.  His choice forever changed the fate of our family.  I was an emotional wreck when I landed in Vegas  (September had been a long emotionally and physically draining month.  I lost over ten pounds in three weeks), so by the time I arrived at our hotel I was literally shaking.  Somehow I knew that day, that my life would never be the same.    

I remember walking through the lobby of the Venetian and looking around for my sister Kathleen who had come down from my parent's room to get me.  When we saw one another, we literally ran and jumped in each-other's arms, laughing, crying and hugging.  It's one of those moments I will never forget.  I was finally safe in loving arms and you have no idea how good that felt.  It was raw love.  A few hours later, at exactly midnight, we rang in Kathleen's 29th birthday.  Needless to say, we had a blast!  

Throughout the years my sister Kathleen has walked by my side through many of my life changing paths.  Either there in person or in spirit, I have always been able to count on her.  She, like all my siblings, is my best friend.  Ironically, she is the reason that I am with my husband.  She was there the night we met and actually encouraged him to sit down by us.  Little did we know, how she had just had a hand in aligning the stars.

Kathleen I love you.  I love you in the purest form of the word.  We understand and feel each other's emotions in almost an indescribable way.  God had a plan in giving us one another and I am grateful for you every second of every day.

Happy Birthday Dear Sister!  I love you and hope all your dreams come true!

December 31, 2008 in Estes Park, Colorado

Side Note:  I love this picture.  It was taken while I was still living in Colorado.  We had come up on New Year's Eve to go sledding in Rocky Mountain National Park.  It was a very fun day!  We were wet and cold, but happy when we stopped in Estes Park to get some warm comfort food.  This pictures us in our own little world, almost like we were young children again, sharing a secret between us.  

Love captured in a photo

      I am going to allow my photography speak for me for this blog.  I hadn’t planned to take pictures of the girls, we had stopped by our new house to check it’s progress and we were just about to leave.  The girls were coming up the road and I quickly grabbed my camera to catch them laughing.  Ironically those photos didn’t really turn out, however I had them go play in the field next to our house and they made my job easy.  The pictures aren’t perfect, nor professional by any means, but to me they are priceless.  To witness all three of my daughters laughing and just being silly was a heartwarming sight.  These few precious days together are going to be gone in a blink, so I am very grateful for the love captured forever in a photo.  

Sisters

God made us Sisters

Life has made us Best Friends

One of my first memories of being a big sister, is when my mom let me hold my baby sister Kathleen for the first time on her bed.  I was only four and she was so tiny, but I was in love.  That love hasn't changed in 32 years and expanded when Elizabeth and Colleen were born.  

Having a sister when you are growing up isn't always easy, especially in our dysfunctional household.  Ask my sister Kathleen and Elizabeth, who were two years apart about their battles.  However, Colleen and I just talked today about the simple fact that we might disagree and argue at times, but we don't hold grudges for long and in no time all is well in the world again.  I believe it's because we can't afford, nor want to trudge this life without each other. 

My relationship with my sisters varies greatly and has taken on many different guises over the years.  I think though, the best friendship really grew strong after we were grown and becoming adults.  When I became a mother, my sisters became Aunts and they have all three really rocked that role over the years.  On dozens of occasions when all else failed, they were there, to scrub floors, sit with me, help with my older children, do whatever I needed.  I will be forever thankful for that. 

They have helped me through family issues, encouraged me as a mom, cheered me on in school, got me through a divorce and supported me when I married the love of my life.  

I love my sisters with all my heart.  I know them well and sometimes I feel like there is an invisible line between our hearts that communicates what is going on in our lives.  Miles definitely can not keep us apart.   Thank goodness for Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram!  

Tonight when I tucked in Sage and Saxton, I thought about the fact that in just two days Savannah will be here and it melted my heart.  I know what it is to love a sister and miss her like crazy.  I am blessed to have three of the best in the world and grateful that my girls have something similar.  In a few days the house will be filled with three giggling girls, bringing a smile to my face and I'm sure in September, when my own sister visits, we won't be very different.

My dear Kathleen, Elizabeth and Colleen.  Please know that I take my role as the big sister seriously and would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, nor would I tolerate it from anyone else.  You all are gorgeous, smart, funny and amazing women and I sure am blessed that you're in my life.  

As I say to my babies, I love you to the moon and stars and moon and stars and back!

Healing

Anyone who has ever gone through heartache or has come out of an unhealthy situation, can tell you one of the hardest parts of it all, is simply to heal.  I have tried so many different things, including trying  nothing at all and the truth is that it simply takes time.  Today my sister and I were talking about some pretty intense, painful feelings and God came up.  To be honest I feel like I have prayed myself into a hole.  I am trying to be a good Catholic girl and leave it all to God, but I feel like it's more than that.  My sister said something that made sense, that God isn't going to necessarily change the tough things about your life, but he is there while you are going through them.  The funny thing is after she said that, my eyes opened a bit and while we were talking, I actually felt God.  I told my sister that he gave her to me, he gave all of us (my siblings) to each other.  He knew what we would face and he made sure to give us a small army of unconditional love.

We re-emphasized what we both already knew, healing is hard.  I began to believe all the negative bull shit that was fed to me for most of my life.  It started to cover me and then slowly seep into my soul.  Removing all of that takes time, support, patience and the hardest kind of forgiveness, forgiving yourself.  My sister and I also discussed some techniques of how to deal with all of this.  As we were talking, one thing became clear; we could often be supportive to each other, to other family and friends in need, but we couldn't find the strength to give that same support to ourselves.  Do as I say, not as I do.  Forgive everyone but not yourself.  Love others, but not always yourself.  My husband also helps me with this a lot.  He reminds me that I wouldn't stand by and let someone talk bad about my children, family or friends, so why allow self deprecation?  It's something I need to continue to work on, something that many of the loved ones in my life who have been through the wringer need to work on, it's called healing.


There is a movie that my whole family loves, Prince of Tides and there is one scene in particular that exemplifies our relationship.  It's where the brother and sister (tired of all the fighting and pain in their lives) run and jump off a dock and stay under the water, where it is peaceful.

They are in their own world of quiet and harmony that only they can understand.  That is what my siblings are for me, what my sister and I experienced today.  That unbreakable bond that comes when two people truly know each other and love one another, no mater what.
That is where the healing begins.