Thoughts on Estes Park and The Big Thompson River in Colorado.

These Pictures were taken by Either me (upper left) or the kids in 2003.

I first fell in love with Estes Park and the Big Thompson River back in September of 2003.  We had decided to drive from Albuquerque, up through Colorado and onto Chicago when Saxton was just six weeks old (you can barely see her where laying on me in bottom right hand picture), Sage was 18 months, Sam three and Savannah was just five.  I remember the drive from Loveland up the canyon like it was yesterday.  The canyon was awesome and years later, in 2006 when we actually moved to Colorado, became one of my favorite parts of the drive up to Estes and on to Rocky Mountain National Park.  I loved the reaction I would get from guests as we entered the mouth of the canyon. As I wrote earlier today as a reaction to a video that showed the flooding on Facebook, "This is normally one of my favorite parts of the drive... Where you just start to enter the mouth of the canyon and are soon sandwiched between two sheer rock walls and the river. I called it God's country and Nature's art the way The Big Thompson river ran through it, strong enough to carve ancient stone."

I took this of the canyon in August of 2009.

I have dozens of pictures of the canyon, the river and Estes Park, unfortunately some were lost in the divorce and many are on my old computer that is still packed from the move.  I am hoping to find some of them to share, but in the mean time I wanted to take this opportunity to share my love and sadness for what I have seen over the past two days and the effects of the flooding on several of the rivers in Colorado.  I have driven along all of them, camped by them, swam in them with my kids, hiked and photographed them.  I saw my first ram on the cliff edges of The Big Thompson and found peace driving through the canyons the river wove it's way through.

Enjoying ice cream in Estes Park

My sister Kathleen was with us and we actually decided after falling in love with Rocky Mountain National Park and Estes Park to hold off leaving for Chicago for another day.  After finding a cabin right on the river, we ventured back into Estes Park to look around.  The small mountain town is quaint, the people friendly and the environment gives you the feeling of something out of a movie scene when you walk along the shops on main street.  I was in Love.  Later that second day, my sister and I and the kids (my Ex was golfing) spent the afternoon laying by The Big Thompson.  The sun was out and the nearby mountains and the sound of the river provided an unforgettable backdrop. I remember little Saxton sleeping on my chest, my sister there to keep me company and the little ones playing nearby.  Truly heaven on earth.

We take for granted that certain places will always be there.  While we appreciate them, fall in love with them, we don't often think that a beloved park, river, scenic byway or mountainside might not always be there for our enjoyment, that memories can literally be washed away. Or that mother nature might turn something from beautiful to deadly in a matter of hours.  It all just speaks to the fact that we truly do have to live in the present, appreciate beauty in the moment and respect the laws of nature first and foremost.  I am still in shock and truly heartbroken at seeing towns I love, a state I will always claim as one of my homes, in such disastrous conditions.  My prayers and thoughts go out to all those affected and my doors are open to anyone in need of a place to stay.  

This blog is dedicated to my friends in Colorado, who no matter what, were always there for me and whatever they need, I will be there for them.

I took this of Saxton and Sage strolling down the main street in Estes Park, Colorado 2006.

         

  

I always knew he was full of sh*t!!!

Today has been an emotional day for many reasons, however, right now, I am literally dealing with sh*t.  All day today my ex and I have been going back and forth about a fall break visit and now Christmas.  These exchanges are never easy and truly stress me out.  It's hard for me to admit how stressful they are because I know that he reads my blogs.  I don't want to give him any more ammunition than he already has.  But I'm so over dealing with his literal bullish*t!

Tonight, while texting back and forth about confirming dates for Christmas, he sends me not one, not two, but three pictures of his excrement.  Yes, you read that right.  My ex is 39 years old and acting like a child.  Even worse, because if any of my children did such a thing they would lose their phone.  What he sends to his friends, ect... is his business.  But what he sends to me during a discussion about our children is supposed to be at least an attempt at civility.

What chance in hell do we have of ever coming to some sort of arrangement with our four beautiful children if this is what our conversations entail.  I am not perfect by any means, but this is ridiculous.  I am so over this song and dance.   Normally I keep this kind of crap (no pun intended) private... but this time I am done.  You want to know another time we got to see his feces?  When we were in the hospital with Max in the NICU!!! He sent a picture to my husband.

I know we are divorced.  I know WHY we are divorced.  However, we have four children together!!!  We both had to take classes on how to co-parent and I am absolutely sure that this is not okay.  How can twelve years of marriage come to this?  Wow.  I don't even know what else to say.  I look to this blog for many things, but now I am looking for advice.  How do I even deal with this?

I have told all of my children many times, "he is your dad and I want you to have a loving relationship with him."  My biological father doesn't talk to my siblings and I and it sucks.  I absolutely don't want my kids having to go through that.  However, accepting such behavior and knowing that this person is raising my children is almost too much to bear.  I had hoped that someday we could at least have some sort of civil, respectful relationship for the kids sake, obviously that is never going to happen.  What a shame, not for me or even him, but for Savannah, Sam, Sage and Saxton.  They deserve better.

Side Note:  Unfortunately this blog, if read by them, will not be new to my children.  They were with him and he showed them the text he sent to my husband when Max was in the NICU and I was still in the hospital.  They all know he does this.  I did have the decency tonight not to share details of the text and actual images that my Ex sent... because yes, it does get worse.

9-11-01

I've thought all day about what to write about today.  9-11 has become a day to remember a truly terrible moment in our country's history and all those mercilessly killed.  The lasting effects will be felt forever.

I found my old journal of posts to a mom's board from the day after 9-11-01 and I want to share them:

Written 9/12//01
"I did not get on yesterday because of busy connections and then to keep lines open in our area... I watched in disbelief, sadness and anger yesterday.  I did not turn the tv off for over twelve hours... I finally had to make myself go to bed.  I cried many times during the day thinking of all of those lost and trapped and of their families and friends.  Those brave firemen and women as well as the police that were lost... God bless them.

I like many of you was so scared yesterday and still am today.  How could anyone do something so horrible and evil?  AS I sit here pregnant with a tiny baby, I worry what they will face.   Savannah asked why I was crying yesterday and I had a hard time trying to explain to her what happened.  She has no idea the danger that she, as well as all of us were in.  I could only pray that we get whoever did this before they attack again..."

I remember this well.  I was pregnant with Sage and had just moved to New Mexico and was living with my parents for a few weeks until our apartment was ready.  Savannah was three and Sam was 17 months.  The reality of how that day changed all of our lives is still fresh in all of our hearts today.  The immense effect of 9-11 has had an affect on so many, those that were killed during the initial attacks, those lost due to working at the site, troops lost who have been fighting over seas a battle that was waged after 9-11, then all the poor families left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives.  Not to mention the innocence that was taken away from all those who experienced the scenes of the towers falling, planes crashing, people dying.  A true wake up call to an evil that many of us hadn't met until that day.

World Trade Center Site in NYC

Written 9/16/01
"...all those angels who lost their lives this week in this hell were just living their lives.  Working for their families, doing business, vacationing, visiting friends, families... innocent people taken from a human form of the devil.  He has me feeling an anger, as do all of those people trying to hurt us, that I have never felt before.  My blood truly boiled when I heard they were taking people into custody who were possibly making other attempts.  How could they look at the devastation they caused , the heartbreak and even fathom doing more?  I saw that clip on the father looking for his daughter and he said he would do anything to hear her holler at him again, as he broke down into sobs..."

9-11 Memorial

9-11 Memorial

I came to believe back then and I still hold true to this belief today, that we can't let them win.  I remember writing God Bless the USA with my mom across the cinder block wall behind my parent's house in side walk chalk.  My mom and I also stood on a street corner and handed out red, white and blue ribbons to passing cars.  At first we did it to just show support, but people starting giving us donations without us even asking.  We ended up giving all our donations to a local bank that was sending money onto New York to families who had lost a loved one.  When we headed out that day, we didn't have a set plan, we just had to do something!  Like many, we couldn't just sit idly by and feel defeated and heartbroken.  I know that many people across the country did similar acts, many wanted to help, donate, pledge their support for NYC, DC and our entire country.  That part was inspiring and the only way for us to show all those who were in mourning that their loved one had not been lost in vain.  That we wouldn't forget and we would spread beauty and love in their memory.

Cemetery at St. Paul's Chapel of Trinity Church in NYC with World Trade Center Site in the distance.

Today 9-11-01 feels like yesterday, the emotions and images burned into my mind and heart forever.  When I rocked Max tonight and sang him lullabies I was grateful that he wasn't here when 9-11 happened, hopeful that slowly things are getting better and that he won't ever have to witness such wicked acts.  Sadly I know I am being naive.  I know better.  I know what atrocities are still happening all over the world and will continue to happen until we truly are able to find world peace.  Maybe that peace will be found in Max's lifetime, I know I will do my best to encourage him to fight for it.

Side Note:  I took these photographs while paying my respects in NYC in 2009.  

"That not me", life with a toddler.

Tonight as Max and I headed upstairs, him holding my hand and both of us walking in the dark, he said to me out of the blue, "Monsters are scary.  I hate monsters.  Storms are scary, I hate them.  I like the dark, but I hate it to."  Words to live by.  When we got to my room, I asked him what he liked, he said, "I like frogs and grap-hoppers."  Just hearing his pronunciation of grass-hoppers made me smile and the whole conversation reminded me of why having a three year old is fun... sometimes these reminders are necessary at the end of a long day.

Earlier my husband opened the freezer and laughed out loud.  I asked him what he was laughing at and he had me come look.  There inside was a small black hand print, about the size of our little Max.  When we asked him about it, he said, "that not me."  Never mind that just minutes before I had caught him with a Klondike bar that he wasn't to have, just before dinner.  Life with a toddler.

My days are full, busy with housework, work-work, errands and running here and there.  But nothing keeps me busier than my children, but most especially my three year old Max.  He is up at dawn and off to the races.  He keeps us on our toes and while he can exasperate us (especially his siblings at times), make a lot of noise and scare us with his daredevil nature, he mostly makes us laugh and always makes us grateful that we have him in our lives.  Max has a way of looking at us with his crooked grin and a smile that radiates across his whole face, instantly melting our hearts.  He's my fifth three year old, but he reminds me of my first.  Savannah and him would have had a ball if they had been twins.  I guess in a way they are, just spread apart almost thirteen years.  My two little sprites, my two wild spirits.

I love all my babies and I feel blessed they are in my life.  Good night little ones, I love you all to the moon and stars, moon and stars and back!

  

The crooked Path

I often look to nature, to photography in order to find symbolism in my own life.  Tonight's blog was inspired by a photograph of mine that I took in Ocean Shores of the route that we took to get down to the ocean.  At one point the wood gave way to a bumpy path covered in shards of sea shells.  I remember walking back from the beach, my feet bare, sandy and wet from the ocean.  Instead of putting my shoes back on I chose to walk without, feeling the sharpness of the shells and stones, yet at times the softness of the sand.  What life is teaching me almost daily is that even though I still feel pain, discomfort and unevenness on my path, it is still beautiful.  I could lace up the next time in order to make it a little easier, but that's not me.  Ever since I've been little, I've always prefered to go barefoot.  

The Banshee

A banshee is a part of Irish folklore and represents impending death.  My biological father used to tell stories about banshees when I was young, only now can I see the irony in that.

Tonight while on a walk near our home, Jerry and I heard this unrecognizable screech sound just over our head.  However, despite the fact that we both looked up immediately, neither of us saw anything.  I hadn't thought of banshees in forever, but at that moment they immediately crossed my mind.

Today was an odd day, a mixture of happy and sad.  I won't go into details, just one of those days you'd like to only relive part of.  (Like a Seahawks win and later watching my little ones laugh while swimming for the last time this season at Wild Waves.)  

But like the Irish folklore, who come out of nowhere bringing fear and even death, life is full of it's own symbolic banshees that we all must deal with.  Figurative demons, that swoop into our lives unannounced and unwelcome.  I am left wondering, how do we even fight such things and is it even possible?

I suppose tonight's blog was more along the line of a question, versus a statement.

Dave Matthews and a Grey Street to divorce.

"Oh how she wishes it was different

She prays to God most every night

And though she swears He doesn't listen

There's still hope in her He might

She says I pray

But oh that they fall on deaf ears

Am I supposed to take it on myself

To get out of this place"

Dave Matthews - Grey Street

Four years ago today began the first days of the rest of my life.  On Sunday we had arrived back in Colorado from Indiana visiting family and friends, as well as getting Sage and Saxton baptized.  Monday was my wake up call that my Ex wanted a divorce.  He had told me as much in Indiana, however being home the reality had finally set in.  Fast Forward

Last Sunday my baby sister Colleen, her husband Jed, my husband Jerry and I went on a road trip to the Gorge to see my beloved Dave Matthews.  (I have seen him several times before, the first being March 7th, 1995 in Fort Wayne, Indiana.)  As I have mentioned before, he is my favorite, the soundtrack to my life.  As he sang each song, my smile grew larger, the lyrics rolled effortlessly off my tongue and my body danced a silly dance... I was truly content.  (The Head and The Heart and Lord Huron opened and they were both wonderful!!!)

Dave Matthew's Set List for September 1st, 2013 courtesy  of Dave Matthew's Band Website

 1.  One Sweet World 

 2.  Squirm 

 3.  The Best of Whats Around 

 4.  When The World Ends 

 5.  Recently 

 6.  (Water Into Wine) 

 7.  Gravedigger 

 8.  If Only 

 9.  Lie In Our Graves 

10.  Gaucho 

11.  Kashmir 

12.  Digging a Ditch 

13.  Drive In Drive Out 

14.  Lover Lay Down 

15.  Pig 

16.  Crush 

17.  Snow Outside 

18.  Funny The Way It Is 

19.  Pantala Naga Pampa 

20.  Rapunzel 

-------- ENCORE -------- 

21.  Some Devil *

22.  You and Me 

23.  Grey Street 

Show Notes:

* Dave Solo

 (song name) indicates a partial song

  indicates a segue into next song

Dave never disappoints and sang for close to three hours,  ending with a spectacular encore and a song very close to my heart, Grey Street.

Over thirteen years ago I met a special friend on a Mom's Website called Babycenter.  After logging hundreds of hours on the phone and sharing our lives via the internet,  we finally met each other in New York City in 2005 (I still remember braving the streets of NYC with my four littles ones, aged 1, 3, 5 & 7 and her 3 & 5 year old).  Then in 2006, she came out with her two little ones to visit me.  Unfortunately my Ex overstepped his bounds with her and I lost her friendship for several years.  (We have since become friends again, all in part to my getting divorced.)  This re-connection was a positive step for me as she was one of the first people in my life to really encourage me to leave, to quit tolerating what was going on.  Also a huge Dave fan, she brought to my attention how "Grey Street" was almost a mantra to my life, even sent me a bootlegged version she had come across.  Looking back now, I can only thank her for letting me know that I did have a choice to "kick out the windows" and get out. 

After the concert Jerry and I (My sister, who is now almost 13 weeks pregnant and her husband headed home a little before us) walked with the mass of Dave fans who like us, were also camping at the Gorge.  It was so much fun to be with a literal swarm of people who were jovial and happy, some singing at the top of their lungs.  Our campsite was awesome and I fell asleep listening to the hum of the campground and the occasional firework.  As I though back to the final song, I realized that the emotions that flooded me as I listened to the words of Grey Street were endured in my past and it was time to put those feelings to rest.  I chose to instead think back how many of the other songs made me feel... cheerful and at peace, I held on to that, to carry into my future.  

Side Note:  Today begins another 30 days of posts... it's my dream to write and I won't get there if I don't start here.  This post is dedicated to my friend and our mutual love for DMB.