Mother's Day, a bicycle, the beach and the struggle of a mom.

There are dishes in the sink and clothes piled up and ready to march out of the laundry room, but it's okay, it'll be there tomorrow, today is Mother's Day.  My day was wonderful, not perfect, but I am a realist and expecting perfection is setting yourself up for a let down. 

Savannah started my day off with a smile and a happy heart, she called before I was even out of bed and we were able to talk for awhile.  It is amazing how just the sound of her and Sam's voice can calm me and instantly make my heart happy.  I can imagine her smiling as she talks and I love how Sam's husky voice says, "hi mom, it's me Sam."  There are days like today that are close to perfect, the one thing that always makes them bittersweet is Savannah and Sam's physical absence, but as all mothers out there know, your children are always carried in your heart. 

Jerry had told me that it was my choice to do whatever I wanted, surprisingly this was difficult.  The idea of having a day where I could do whatever I wanted was almost overwhelming... what to do, what to do?  While I was in the shower, the place where I do some of my best thinking, I decided to go to Alki Beach and go bike riding. 

An hour and a half later, after loading bikes, helmets, Max's buggie and supplies, Jerry, Sage, Saxton, Max and I were on our way.  Our drive to Seattle was the reality part of the day, Max was cranky, battling falling asleep and the girls were cranky with one another.  Finally,  just as we were entering the city, Jerry and I reminded the girls what today was, Mother's Day.  I imagine that there are hundreds of moms out there telling their children the same thing I told mine, "It's Mother's Day, I don't want anything, just happy children and a nice day, that's all I ask."  God gave me two gifts today, gorgeous weather and two little girls who behaved like angels the rest of the day. 

We parked just off the exit of the West Seattle Bridge, got our bikes ready and were on our way.  The path to  and along Alki Beach is just breathtaking, taking you first along a panoramic view of Seattle and all the boats on the Sound and ending with a phenomenal view of the Olympic mountains and islands back dropping Puget Sound.  Today the weather was perfect and the slight breeze caused some waves, which entertained Max and provided a relaxing back ground noise.

Most of the day was spent on the beach hanging out, chasing Max and enjoying watching the littles play.  We spent some part at a rockier area and then moved later to a sandier part where the girls made a chair and buried themselves.  Max was funny and at one point made himself at home on a little boy's toy car.  He sort of snuck up on it and smiled as he took his spot behind the wheel. The boy's dad said it was fine and we laughed as for several minutes, he pretended to drive.

We ended the day with a Pizza and Salad picnic and a beautiful bike ride back to Jerry's Truck. 

Throughout the day, in honor of the holiday,  I contemplated motherhood.  It is true that babies don't come with an instruction manual and that the day I found out I was pregnant with Savannah and the day I took her home were two of the most terrifying days of my life.  I was no longer responsible for just me, I was now also responsible for someone else, this tiny little person. 

Today wasn't really about me, it rarely is when you are a mom, because the bottom line is, if your children aren't happy, you aren't happy.   Today was awesome, and a big part of that was my happy children.  Have I made selfish choices? absolutely.  I am not trying to claim that I am a perfect person, I am far from it and I am definitely not saying I am a perfect mother, but I do try and do the best that I can, with what I have.

I think the hardest part of my day to day life is dealing with the fact that two of my children are hundreds of miles away.  I can't kiss them good-night, hug them everyday or just handle the day to day with them.  The bottom line is, I wish I could.  I wish for that on every first star I see and I pray for that every night before I go to bed.  When I moved from Colorado I was at my very bottom.  I was broken and in a very bad place.  At that point I needed to difuse a very volitile situation and bring some sort of calm to the lives of my four children.  Before I left, I was sleeping on my neighbor's couch, I was not the strong mother my children needed me to be, not until I said no more and left my Ex.  I will prove and say with all the truth in my soul, I left my Ex and all the pain that had come crashing down, I did not leave my Savannah and Sam, they have a home here and I would take them full time in less than a heartbeat.

On that note, one conversation that Jerry and I had early on was concerning the fact that I had four children when we met.  One of the most endearing things about Jerry is the fact that together we have six children and he is fully supportive of my love for Savannah and Sam and all that dealing with them being away entails.  As a mother I needed to find someone who loved me, but also loved my children, all of them and I am blessed to have a man that does.

As I fumble through this amazing journey of motherhood, as I try my hardest to make good choices, one person who I am truly blessed to have, is my own mother.  As I grew up, I watched her struggle to deal with my father, his poor choices and his alcholism.  Often times we had to team up in order to get through each day.  Sometimes my mom, sometimes my friend, she has done her best to be there for me and when she couldn't, she admitted her mistakes with a humble heart.  No mother is perfect, but what I love and respect the most about my mom is that she loves with her whole heart, her whole soul.  She has stood by me and taught me that I am worthy of love, respect and happiness.  It's funny, she often says to me now that, "she has her daughter back."  She tells me that slow but sure while I was with my Ex I became lost and sometimes only a shadow of myself.  This comment rings true to me and over the last few years as I have struggled to fix my broken self, her positive guidance and love have helped me to get back to my true self. 

My mom knows me better than anyone and loves me unconditionally and her legasy is that I will swear everyday of my life to do the same for my children.  No matter what they do, what they say to me, what choices they make, I will love them.  To me they are perfect and beautiful and wonderfully made and I am blessed to be their mother.  Just as I have a place in my mother's heart, so too will they forever have a place in mine, no matter where they are, what they are doing, my love will find them. 

happy mothers day! I love you Savannah, Sam, Sage, Saxton, Brayden and Max!

And I sure do love you mom!  Thanks for being you and for all the love you have given to me!!!

Coffee Shops, Uniforms, Truth and "Face"book!

I met a friend today, another me.  Strangers?  I haven't met any, just friends I haven't made yet.  Max and I were in  Anthem Coffee & Tea today, waiting again for my car to get done at the shop.  I like this coffee shop, they are always friendly and I haven't had a bad drink yet, but my biggest draw to them is that they are tolerant of my 21 month old and the path of destruction he sometimes leaves.  (Today the barista even put a few squirts of Chocolate in his milk!) 

So little Max was in his stroller and this kind woman (Jayme) asked if I needed a place to park and made a space for me next to a table.  For anyone who is a mom of wee ones you know that sometimes navigating places with a stroller is difficult and any help is greatly appreciated.  As I sat down next to her I noticed her computer, a Mac and asked her how she liked it (she loved it) and in the next breath I asked her what she did.  I am pretty open with those I don't know, but not normally this immediately straight forward.  Jayme proudly responded, I'm a writer, both of a blog and a book.  Her blog is http://formersuburbanmom.wordpress.com/ and she is blogging about writing.  I told her of my blog and we chatted for a bit.  I like her, she gave me my idea for my blog today and didn't mind my multi-tasking between our conversation and tending to Max, who was checking things out and had a run in with a chair.

My "work" shoes!

During our conversation my "uniform" came up.  I am a mom and I wear the uniform of one.  It's funny that she mentioned that she too normally was in my uniform, yoga paints, t-shirt and running shoes, but had dressed up that day to write.  I told her I was dressed up because I had my contacts in, often times I come home and take those out and put on my glasses.  I had also showered today, granted it was because I was in swimming class with Max and I was already wet, but I was clean head to toe none the less. 

There are those moms who dress up everyday, they are the "cute moms" in jeans, possibly fancy shoes, make-up and hair that has been combed and completed in some sort of style.  That is not me. If I have on lip stick or chap stick then I am wearing make-up, I wear either flip flops or running shoes and my hair is almost always in pony tail or messy bun.  I am not judging those mom, if I was then I wouldn't be using "cute" to describe them, I just can't claim to be one of them.

I am a newly wed though (that still sounds funny) and while maybe I should be more attentive to my appearance, most of the time I am not, the truth being I am too old for that kind of bull shit (pardon my French, I couldn't come up with anything more creative to say than that.)  If my husband doesn't find me attractive in my nightgown that goes to my ankles then he's barking up the wrong tree in choosing me as a mate.  I am not saying that I never try to wear something sexy, it's just that I don't have the energy to keep up that facade day in day out.

Recently I read somewhere that people are dressing and even posing for pictures these days with the assumption that everything is going on Facebook.  It is so important to others that our "faces" are just so, in fear that maybe someone will see us in actuallity.  I have posted several times on Facebook about this, what would happen if we actually "got naked" and showed our "grandma panties" instead of our "sexy" ones?  What would I post today that was brutally honest about myself?  How much do people really want to know? 

Jayme and I were discussing how far do you go in your blog?  Believe it or not, I have actually been holding back.  I do have four children and I am trying to be considerate of the fact that they will be reading this.  Is that the best choice though?  How much do they need to know?  If I am truly being real in this Blog then do I owe it to myself to reveal all?  What if there had been Facebook when certain ugly events had taken place with my Ex, would I have smiled through that or would I have posted what was actually happening?

What would my post have been when my Ex came home and told me about some shenanegans that had taken place between him and a co-worker starting when Saxton was only four weeks old?  Instead of going on a walk and calling my friend Meagan, would I have gotten on my non existent smart phone and declared my heartache for all to see?  I don't think so.  The reality is that I wouldn't have, at that moment in time I was ashamed and told almost no one, especially my family.  I couldn't believe that I had been so blind, stupid to what was going on and I didn't want anyone to feel pity for me. 

There are so many little unwritten "posts" that I have not had the courage to write.  Maybe that is where this blog comes in, part of me believes so.  I wonder how many others are quietly going through some sort of hell and don't yet feel ready to be honest with the outside world.  It is so hard to say, "look at me!  I'm a mess!  My life is a mess!"  It's easier to put on airs, especially now with Facebook, after all, it's like a non-stop class reunion.  Who comes dressed in their true uniform to those?  Even I might trade in my pony tail for hair curlers for such an occasion.

But for today I have worn two things, a bathing suit and yoga pants.  Today my biggest accomplishment was getting Max to take big jumps into the pool and go under water as a result.  To most this is nothing, to Max and I it was everything!  After all, how many of us have the courage to jump, almost naked, feet first, into the unknown and come up smiling?!? 

My Ashram, my yard and my Ex.

I started my blog today while listening to music and mowing my lawn.  Today was gorgeous and I realized about a quarter of the way into my backyard how relaxed I had become, simply from the sunshine and the sound of the lawn mower.  At that point my mind began to wander to something my ex once wrote to me, a little incite that I believe still rings true today.

Three weeks before my Ex told me he wanted a divorce we went to a marriage encounter weekend up near Rocky Mountain National Park.  It was sponsored by the Catholic Church and a weekend event.  Funny enough, even though it obviously didn't work for us, I am still a strong proponent of them.  One thing that they really can teach a couple how to do, is to communicate.  Not the slinging shit kind of communication, but the fair kind, where you speak with respect and in lucky cases, love.

One of the letters my Ex and I had to write to each other was about what we like to watch the other do, my Ex wrote that he liked to watch me work in the yard.  This might sound funny, but I actually thought about that comment again today, and it caused a domino effect of past memories. 

I remember as far back as my Ex's and I first house in Indiana.  It was new construction and we had to put a yard in from seed.  What a mess.  I still remember attempting to put socks on my Basset Hound Gus so he wouldn't get mud all over my new house.  I also remember a day after a particularly rough event with my Ex, I remember mowing my yard and how as I went up and down my backyard making neat little rows, I began to feel better.

You might be reading this and chuckling.  I'm smiling.  It seems so simple and in a way it is.  When you are going through something painful it is often life saving to find something to help relax you, bring you back to your center.

My Ex commented in his letter to me how he used to hear me singing.  Yes, I admit that I often get carried away with what I am listening to.  My neighbor recently came over to tell me she could hear me from inside the house.  I apologized, but unfortunately that probably won't be the last time she hears my voice.  I can't tell you how many times that I would listen to a song and it's lyrics would really resonate with me, speak to me to the point where I want to sing along.

I remember when I read Eat Pray Love and she talked of meditating in an Ashram.  For me, my ashram is the outdoors, my yard, flowers and trees.  Outside I am able to quiet the roar in my mind and listen to what my heart is actually trying to tell me.  In all the states that I have lived, in all the climates, pregnant or with small babies watching me work I have enjoyed working outside. 

When your life is chaotic one of the hardest things to do is to relinquish control and have faith that this too shall pass and things will get better.  I don't know how many times I have gone outside upset and come back in feeling better, almost as if nature is my own secret medicine. 

I often get defensive when people assume that yard work is men's work.  For years it is a job that I have taken ownership of.  This is not to say that I haven't coerced help with projects, but it is the week to week maintenance I am proud to call my own.  However the secret is, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I bring up my Ex in this blog because for the most part he allowed me this, and even weeks before our end, he wrote kindly about this personality quirk of mine.  I think as I sort through our relationship and try and make sense of what worked and what didn't in order to become a better person, a better wife to Jerry, I have to let go of the belief that the past is best left there.  Not always.

I have brought a part of me along for this new chapter in my life, a positive part of me that I know works.  Today as the sun warmed me and the neighborhood kids chuckled at me in my yard shoes, large sunglasses and floppy sun hat, I felt happy.  I am comfortable in this role, in this part of the story.  I have had thousands of thoughts in my time working in the yard, I have sang, laughed, cried and even prayed as I have mowed, pruned, plucked, weeded, rocked, mulched and planted.  I have worked in the rain, snow and the desert sun and I have enjoyed just about every minute.

This might be an unusual post, but it is one that makes the most sense to me.  I am still searching for many answers in my life, I am still dealing with much pain, heartache and regret.  However I have found that this one aspect of me works and I have realized that it might have just been my saving grace all along.

A few Sundays ago we got home from a dinner at church and I decided to mow the grass.  I had looked at the weather and there was rain in the forecast for the rest of the week, so I changed out of my dress and into my grungies and headed outside.  The sun was starting to set and by the time I got done it was dark.  I continued to fiddle around outside planting a few things and just messing around.  When I came in I felt better and I hadn't even realized I needed to.  I have been going to Church lately looking for guidance and peace, but just maybe the guidance I have needed has been there all along, and the peace is in the dirt that ends up under my fingernails. 

Amazing Grace

Today is my baby's birthday.  My Savannah.  She is fourteen. 

I have been composing this blog in my head for days... sometimes while I am laying in bed, in the car and even during Zumba.  This blog is my opportunity to put my heart and my feelings out onto a page for her to read.  The fact that she is hundreds of miles away makes me want to write better, share my feelings in such a way that she can feel them all the way in Indiana.

When we were skyping this morning and she had to say good-bye I lost it, even now typing the tears flow.  I never imagined fourteen years ago that today I would be having her blow her birthday candle out via technology.  I hate it!  That's the truth. 

I am going to back peddle now.  Savannah's story began long before she even existed.  It began on a sidewalk in Fort Wayne Indiana across from an Abortion Clinic.  It began with the song, "Amazing Grace."  I was a senior in high-school, and president of the Pro Life Club.  We were having an all school prayer vigil and there were a few hundred of us quietly praying on the sidewalk.  All of a sudden the abortion doctor arrived.  He was surprised at our numbers that morning, normally there were only a few dozen of us, and he did something unusual, he came over to us.  We all remained quiet, I remember one of my classmates whispering to me, asking me if he could say something.  I told him we needed to remain silent.

The doctor came right up to me, looked me in the eye and said, "I will be here when you need me."  He said a few other things, but that is what I recall.  And I remember looking at him, straight in the eye and saying, "never."*** I then started singing Amazing Grace and soon all of my classmates followed suit.  I vividly remember one other thing that morning.  It was cold and gray, but the moment that we began singing, the sun broke through the clouds and I truly believed shined right down on all of us.

 ***I want to say somthing about my choice, my faith and my strong belief that only God can judge. I made my choice, but I know others that had the same choice and chose differently. I have been unfairly judged so many times in my life that I promise in my heart that I will never judge them, they had to go through their own heartache and do what was right for them. They are beautiful people and their decisions were their choice and is between them and God.

Fast forward a few years.  I was just 21, just days after my birthday and I was looking at a positive pregnancy test.  I wasn't married, living with my boyfriend and going to school.  I was working for minimum wage at a camera store.  I was petrified.  But I knew one thing, that I already loved the tiny little soul that was growing in me.  I wasn't sure what my future held, what the baby's future would look like, but I knew that I was going to keep the baby.

May 5th, 1998

The months that followed were not easy.  I am now a role model for my girls, and I am not going to skirt around the truth and tell them that I lived happily ever after, they know the truth.  They saw what I went through, they went through it with me.   But I will say that I never regret my choice, not for one second of one day.  When I looked at Savannah today, her beautiful, perfect smile, I see a miracle.

Savannah was just five when I had Saxton.  That meant I had four children in a little over five years.  That was a crazy time of my life, between working and raising little ones, days tended to go by in a blur.  But I remember Savannah's fifth birthday, clear as day.  And I remember losing my keys.

Savannah was in school, a little city run pre-school that she went to for a few hours two days a week.  They were going to celebrate her birthday and I went to Target to get a few things.  After getting everything I needed, I headed to the car to drive to her school.  One problem, I had lost my keys.  I went back inside and asked at customer service, no keys.  I began to panic, I was going to miss her little celebration at school... and it was a big deal!  She was five!  That meant she could hold up a whole hand full of fingers to show how old she was.

I began to cry.  For those of you who know me well, I am emotional, but not necessarly in the middle of Target.  If you can picture it, a pregnant lady holding a one year old, a three year old standing near, crying her eyes out because I couldn't miss my daughter's birthday song at school. 

May 5th, 2003

I called her teacher, told her to try and wait and I began searching every isle for my keys.  Soon I had the whole store looking.  I think they partially felt sorry for me and just wanted the blubbering to stop.  Finally and thankfully an employee found the keys and I tearfully thanked them and rushed to Savannah's school.  I made it!  I made it in time for her celebration and to sing her happy birthday with her class.  After all, even though I was about to give birth to my fourth baby, she was still my first and it was important to me that she knew she was important.

Today, she is still my baby and the pain of not being with her feels very much like her fifth birthday, only today I won't find my keys.  I won't be able to see her in person, only through a computer. 

She was so sweet today, I was sad that I couldn't see her and we were skyping and she said, "I'm right here, you're getting to see me."  It's not the same baby girl.  Someday you'll understand. 

Savannah and I have been on a journey.  We have grown up together and continue to do so.  Even as I watch her become this wonderful young lady, I still can't help but still see her as my baby.  I still remember sitting in the wheelchair with her as they were discharging us at the hospital.  There is a video of me somewhere, and I am biting my lip, trying to not cry, scared to death at the prospect of bringing this tiny beautiful creature home.  I was so young and looked like a child myself, but I was a mother now and this little new soul needed me.  I was fighting back the tears because I needed to be strong for her, but today that isn't going so well... the tears keep flowing.

God has a plan for us.  He had a plan for me on that sidewalk all those years ago and he has a plan now.  We just have to have faith in his plan.  My wish is that Savannah has the same faith in me and knows that I am still that mom, holding her close to my heart.  I am still scared, I don't want to hurt her or cause her harm.  I want to protect her with every part of my being. 

I love you sweetheart.  I love you to the moon and stars and back and my love is enveloping you today.  I will be thinking about you and loving you every second today and wishing and hoping that your birthday and everyday is wonderful and magical!  You are a gift to this world and to everyone you meet!  Don't ever forget that!  Happy Birthday!!!

I'm always going to pray for miracles. I can't ever allow myself to lose faith and even more importantly, hope.

 This afternoon after getting off the phone with Sam I broke down and was very upset.  I miss him and Savannah terribly and I was just feeling so sad.  I had to take Sage and Saxton to soccer practice and just as we arrived the heavens opened up and it just started pouring.  The girls ran to practice (rain or shine) and were excited to play in the rain.  I sat in the car and sorted through the emotions I was feeling, almost searching for an answer.  All of a sudden the sun started shining through the clouds and even as it was raining, the sun was shining.  This seemed to realavant to what I was feeling.  My life is exactly that, sun shining through the rain.   Everyday that I am not with Savannah and Sam my heart aches.

I wrote a message on my facebook shortly after seeing the sun, almost a message that was whispered in my ear, "I'm always going to pray for miracles. I can't ever allow myself to lose faith and even more importantly, hope."  I truly felt this.  I remember last summer, when Savannah and I were wandering around this little store at the little market in Minnesota and we came across all these messages that spoke to us about prayer and miracles.  I took this picture and everytime I look at it speaks to me in a new light.  I had all my babies with me that day and I remember how wonderful it felt.



"Hope in God"

After the rain stopped, I got Max out and put him in my pouch and we walked around the gravel path that surrounds the soccer feild.  I was feeling the sun's warmth and enjoying watching the girls play, but Savannah and Sam were still on my mind.  All of a sudden I looked down and there were these rocks with messages written on them.  I almost couldn't believe how appropriate they were to me and what I had just written on my facebook, what I had just been feeling in my heart.  


"Have Faith all is well"

All of a sudden this peace came over me.  A peace that I do need to have hope and faith and I do need to continue to pray for miracles.  I tried to call Savannah and Sam to talk with them about what I had found.  It is so important to me for them to know that I was thinking about them, almost willing them to feel my love.   

Tonight when we got home the rain started up again, but again the sun continued to shine.  I could almost hear, like a drum beat, God trying to tell me something.  A few moments later Saxton called out and said there was a double rainbow in the front of the house.  We all ran out  and just looked at them, they were beautiful, one almost a perfect shadow of the other.  Sage, Saxton and I called for Jerry and we showed him and Max these beautiful rainbows, that almost seemed like presents.  The girls and I recalled how we used to see them frequently in Colorado and we would all go and look at them, including Savannah and Sam.  I almost turned to call for them to come see too. 

I'm listening God.  I am not giving up hope.  I will continue to pray for miracles.  I only ask that you watch over my babies, and every night I am not with them, can you promise me that you will send an angel to kiss them good-night and whisper in their ear, momma loves you and always will. 

Birthday Surprises and the beautiful, naked truth.

Started Wednesday April 25th

I often write  blogs in my head and they never make it to paper.  It's hard to have the courage sometimes to be vulnerable to others, to be figuratively naked.  Another tendency I have is to wander in my writing similar to what I do when I am speaking.  Jerry, Kathleen and I discussed this when we were wandering around Santa Fe last Thursday, how we jump from one thought to another and give no forewarning.  Knowing this may help you, my reader, understand the way I write.

Thanks Elizabeth for hosting the
awesome surprise birthday dinner!!!
Thanks Kathleen for picking us up
and all your hard work!!!

A week ago I flew to New Mexico and experienced one of the most wonderful moments of my life, surprising my mom for her sixtieth birthday.  It was amazing to feel that loved, that raw of emotions.  I can imagine it, if Savannah or Sam were to surprise me sometime, that feeling of not believing that someone you love to much, miss so much, is actually right there in front of you.  My mom was so shocked that we were there, that at one point she took my hair in her hands and said, "I can't believe that you're here, but I know it's you because this is your hair."  I love you mom, so much!

On Thursday we went to Santa Fe for the day. My parents work there and my grandma lives up there, and she provided me with a beautiful life lesson.  The way my grandma looked at Max, loved him so wonderfully and thought he was so beautiful, made me realize how blessed I am. It also made me realize how short life is and how important it is to just let go and enjoy it.

My visit to New Mexico sent me home with all sorts of  incite.  After spending time with my mom and sisters, I realized that we are all trying hard to hide our feelings, mask our disappointments, look for recognition, feel love.  However, it is hard to just let go our layers that cover how we really feel, it is hard to be naked.  Friday my sisters and I surprised my mom with a massage at the spa.  Before our massages we had the ability to use a ladies only hot tub.  When we walked out to the patio there was a lady, naked.  We all got in the hot tub and I suggested that we all take off our suits, and one by one we did.  It was amazing how nervous we all were initially (I was especially amused by my sister's shyness, they have model like bodies, so does my mom!!!), but after a few minutes we were comfortable in our nakedness.  What if we were able to do this in life?

After our massages we all went in the Sauna.  There were other ladies in there and we all started chatting.  I am not sure if it was because we were all naked, but a pretty personal conversation soon ensued.  After a little while it was just Colleen and I and one other woman.  She too had been through a divorce and had three children.  A true soul sister, she understood the pain I constantly go through having to be away from Savannah and Sam and the girls when they are with their dad.  She gave me some good advice, to live and enjoy each moment, to feel the sadness when it comes but also to allow the myself to feel happiness too.  I think we can all be our harshest critics, but she reminded me to let that go.  Just be.

Friday night we went to dinner and later on Jerry and I were sitting outside talking as well as having moments of silence.  I realized something, that my sisters and I all live very different lives, have very different perspectives on things, but yet we are all very similar.  We are sensitive, emotional and defensive, but we love hard and with all our heart no matter what.  Growing up in dysfunction and walking down all the paths we have chosen have caused us at times to be broken.  But that doesn't mean  we can't fix ourselves.  After everything we have been through we also have a huge gift, each other.  I love my mom, sisters and brothers with my whole heart, we know each other, inside and out and there is a certain comfort in that.  No matter what choices I have made, they know me and still love me.

Saturday morning Jerry, Max and I kidnapped my mom and took her on the tram to the top of the Sandias.  It was a beautiful, perfect day.  As we walked along the narrow path that held views of the edge of the mountain and breathtaking cliffs I realized something, I felt at home.  I could hear my mom declaring in delight at how beautiful everything was and getting excited at each gorgeous picture and I realized again that I am mother's daughter.  I see beauty everywhere and it excites me.  I am comfortable in my own skin, I am happy at how my mom raised me.

The Limo Ladies! 

Saturday was surprise limo and party day.  My mom made every moment that day unforgettable.  Her expressions and gratefulness were heartfelt and awesome.  My biggest wish is that she knows how special she is to all of us, to me, my siblings, my dad Dave, our family and all of her friends.  My mom loves with her whole heart, and brings an excitement and joy to life that many people lack.  If someone doesn't like my mom, then there is something wrong with them.  She is one of a kind.

Saturday night Jerry was walking with Max and showed him the stars.  My parents live out in the desert with very little light pollution, and you can see almost every one.  Max came up to me and pointed up, wanting me to see the wondrous thing he had just discovered.  Later that night, after all the guests had gone, my mom, Jerry and I were all sitting in the hot tub.  All of a sudden, a huge shooting star lit up the night sky, a magical giant wish.  We wondered if it was birthday gift from my late grandpa Ugo.  No matter why it was sent, it made me realize how lucky I am to have the mom I do, the family have and the husband to walk through it all with me. 

I am very thankful for my Jerry.  He was wonderful all weekend, and awesome about helping with Max so that I could spend time with my family.  Jerry, Ben (my brother-in-law) and Jed (my sister Colleen's boyfriend) were rock stars at helping to get the house ready for the party.  They were three men and a baby on more than one occasion.  My mom is a special lady, and it was a team effort pulling her surprise birthday weekend off, but she is more than worth it.  There will never be enough parties or thank yous to show her how much she is loved and that's the truth!

Max, 21 months

April 27th, enjoying frozen yogurt

Today my little Max turned 21 months old!  Wow, the time is flying by and his second birthday is just around the corner.  The funny thing is I love him so much and I miss him after he is in bed at night, I can't wait to see what he learns tomorrow! 

Life with a little one is a full time job.  Max is busy and on the go.  One second he is riding his truck or playing with a ball and the next he is out the dog door and on to his next adventure.  In fact he is the reason that Jerry and I spent days tearing our backyard apart, including taking out the little pond and re-landscaping it.  It made me a nervous wreck knowing that pond was there and Max could possibly fall in. 

New Mexico, April 19th

Max love life.  He loves his family, he loves his puppy and he loves to swim.  We go on Monday and Wednesday mornings to the YMCA and he can now jump to me, go under water, crawl along the wall all by himself and hang onto my back.  He is a hoot and a half in the water.  When we were at my mom's, his favorite thing was her hot tub.  In fact on Friday afternoon I had promised if he took a good nap he could go swimming.  As soon as he woke up, he went outside and headed straight for the hot tub!  He's my little fish!

I have said this many times and I will probably say it many more, the love you feel for your children is like no other.  The day Savannah entered my life I truly knew unconditional love and I have been blessed again and again with this priceless gift.  Tonight when Jerry came home, I was hugging him hello, when out of nowhere I received the biggest bear hug to my leg that a 21 month old could give.  It felt wonderful to be loved like that.  Soon Saxton came out of no where and our bear hug turned ever bigger! 

One other cool thing is that even though Savannah and Sam aren't always here physically, they are still a big part of Max's life.  Everyday we look at their pictures and point out Sam "Nam" and Savannah "Nana or Nan."  We Skype with them and talk to them on the phone.  (I often call them when I am in the car and have everyone there to talk.)  It has gotten to the point that every time we get in the car, Max wants to call them.  I love the fact that Max has five older brothers and sisters who love him like they do.   

Sage kissing Max good-night, April 27th

Sometimes I think all you ever need to know about life you can learn from a little one; life is simple and all it takes is one kiss or hug to make it all better.   Don't forget to drink your milk and brush your teeth (Max loves to brush his teeth!)  Puppies make everyone smile, own one!  Every outing is an adventure and even the landscaping vehicles at Chamber's Bay are exciting.  Trains and simple shows like "Thomas The Train" are awesome!  Patience is necessary, and if you have lost yours, go sit and have a time out until it comes back.  (Although Max isn't quite to time outs yet, thank goodness... this lesson is for parents.)  And at the end of the day, sleep is important and never forget to hug and kiss loved ones good-night.

This blog is dedicated to little Avery and her bucket list.  She was born 11-11-11 and has 18 months or less to live, but she is hitting life full steam and achieving greatness in her little life.  Her story has inspired me to just be a better me!!!

http://averycan.blogspot.com/